Am trying to make sense of something I don't understand about me.

[Lanark2]

Hello,
I am trying to understand something about me that frankly I can't seem to get right, or get help from family or friends over, and I really would be very grateful for input from people here.

The problem is, that I don't feel appreciated, but its worse than that, it that I don't feel that anybody knows or cares who I am. Its not a weird emotional state, its just kind of true.

By that I mean that I can't remember the last time I had a conversation about things I am passionate about, out one of those end of week debriefs that reset your view of humanity, but on top of this, my e employer thinks I don't have skill in advance of my role, yet I have run projects that are bigger in scope than the department. I have had brilliant relationships, that seemed to just end, either when I was discussed too much by my partner and her friends, or that just fizzled out, and now I am often viewed as 'not boyfriend material' yet I always feel that I am in love with commitment, shared vision, would desperately love a family, and am without exception supportive of my partner, perhaps more than I am supportive of myself.
In my group of friends, I used to be viewed as the successful one, yet in the last six years have been bullied out of three jobs, sometimes aggressively, sometimes passively, and I can't put my finger on why so many things for me go the opposite to the way they go for others.

The relationship thing is the most puzzling, as my last relationship ended up with my partner being in a constant power struggle with me without my playing back, which just deflated everything.

any help or suggestions welcome.

It's embodied entirely by this desire/assumption of yours IMO;

a new partner who makes me feel comfortable with being me. Trouble is, that the expectation on an older man is not to be a great guy that shares our vision and helps build it, but someone who has a chunk of asafe vision that a partner can plug into.. I am still seeking that shared dream-making..

The only thing emotionally healthy women tend to really want in a man of any age is that he is comfortable being him. They might have circumstances that mean relationships with certain men are impractical or inadvisable but that's what they want.

They don't want a man who had built a ready made life for them to plug into.

They won't be averse to sharing dreams just because they have built their own life unless their own dreams for themselves happen to be incompatible with yours.

What you describe is extremely controlling. You want to build a life that 'women want' (even though you have decided that what 'women want' is tiresome and dull) in preparation for being in a relationship. You want to put your life on hold until a woman agrees to commit for life. You don't want a woman who has her own life and dreams and you want each of your lives to only begin when you get together.

You are 42...

Some women will have grandchildren by your age... My eldest will be 21 by the time I am your age.

It's a bit creepy, it's not attractive at all for a woman looking to date you and really what you are expecting is not likely to be possible anyway.

And FYI the advice will be the same in the morning. Women don't get all pissy after dark or whatever weird sexist assumption you are trying to imply...

Wouldn't it just be more sensible, rational and logical to consider that your attitudes are actually the issue and therefore entirely resolvable?

I think you sound depressed with life.

I think you need to consider loving yourself before moving forward. You also sound like you could have anxiety

See I thought it was all men unless they have a life we can 'plug into' and then we'll tolerate them for the cash you see cow all women are basically prostitutes always that women on MN are mean't to pick on...

Those poor misunderstood Nice Guys...

Its true, its the same state that makes you think a clean house is A FUCKING TIP and get jealous of TV programmes and XBox for getting more attention than you, everybody knows!..

I haven't read the book. Are you looking for daylight?

Do the wine comments refer to us or you?

You don't have to respond to my questions about what you could do about your situation; to be honest I was mainly asking as a thinly veiled attempt to get you thinking in a more productive manner! Hopefully the thread might at least give you some ideas about how we non-mindreaders might interpret things. I'd also recommend therapy as another way to get some fresh, outsider views of your situation. I've done it myself and it's very interesting. These days it is becoming less stigmatized, and rightly so, as it is just another way to take care of your health. Obviously it might require you to tackle the cash flow problem first.

Ah, this is one of those threads. Ok. I understand now.

I'm not sure what is going on now.

Have you had a bit to drink Lanark?

Sometimes alcohol is the last thing you need if you are depressed.

Everyone is the common denominator when they ask for advice

That's the sort of thing that so reminds me of my son. It's logical enough, but it's not helping you to look at things that way.

It's at least equally possible (and logical) that you might unintentionally be doing things that piss people off. Finding out what those things are might help. In fact, that's what you asked for help with in your OP.

It's also sounding quite likely that you deliberately piss people off if you think they are bastards or otherwise undeserving subhumans. Bad habit. Don't do it.

Cross-posted.

Errm.

Did your last relationship by any chance founder because you were playing on the XBox and not listening to your partner telling you to do your share of the housework?

Yes, I think it is FolkGirl...

OP you've had lots of good, thoughtful advice on here. I think you need therapy. See your GP as a starting point. If that doesn't get you anyhere then try to get some money together for private or subsidised treatment.

What I get from your posts is a huge amount of resentment coupled with disdain for other people. Those things are not attractive in friends or partners. I was bullied horrifically as a child and it has influenced my entire life. However, I see my recovery from that as my responsibility. It's not up to friends, family or partners to fix me, although their support can help.

As for wine o'clock, I haven't had a drink in 27 days. Neither do I exhibit werewolf tendencies after 6pm. (I am vile in the early mornings though.)

Agree with Offred. No wine here either but I am getting a headache. Sorry if this sounds harsh but your whole post makes you sound very self centred.

and

Are you taking the piss or do you have special snowflake-itis? I can't quite tell.

I know you've had kind and patient advice from very many people (strangers to you) and you're answering like a dope-smoking 22 year old who think life owes him glitter and unicorns.

Stop the riffing and introspection. Sit down with a pen, write a list of what you would like to change in your life, write an action plan for how you can do this. I know this may all seem far too prosaic for someone as special as you but that's how the rest of us mere mortals make changes and yes, get the things we want.

Good luck - I really mean that.

If I had wine I would have just spat it out reading that!

Oh I feel for you, Lanark2 😕 No matter the root cause, it must feel awful to carry around those emotions and disappointments.

I think sometimes it's good to take stock of life and think about what is important to you. My DH originally trained in Graphic Design. For a good while he pursued the 'golden dream' that he'd been sold at university. Fortunately, for him, he discovered quite early on that his personality just wasn't suited to a competitive, cutthroat industry, where your reputation is only as good as your last won bid for a contact.

For a while, after a job finished, he was unemployed - still chasing the perfect job. He was finally convinced to just get a job, any job, so spent time delivering parcels. I married him when he was doing that: I admired his diligence. I admired the fact that he never came home until he had attempted to deliver all his parcels. I admired that he'd stop for a cuppa with a lonely old lady and chat with her about her week. I admired that he took pride in organising his route efficiently.

Now, he is a father to 3 children and a school caretaker. I admire that he's willing to unblock toilets and clean the school, keeping it safe for the children. That he will spend an hour scraping glue off a table so that the children have nice work spaces. That he crosses the children across the road so that they arrive school safely....

My point is that I adore my husband for the man he is, not the status he holds. His qualities aren't constrained to a salary or a job title.

You are mistaking what matters. What matters is what you show yourself to be, not what you say you are. Frankly, the fact that you see those who have the things you desire as unworthy and can't understand it, speaks volumes.

It's all a bit Elliot Rodgers TBH...

Not being funny but is OP a female?

Choc, what makes you think that? Just curious.

Much as that would explain him being referred to as 'not boyfriend material', I don't think so, Choceclair.