Crap DIL (long and possibly triggering)

[CrapDIL]

Please, please don't flame me - I feel very delicate about this

Background - PILs (moved 100 miles away a few years ago, still have a house locally which BIL "bought part of"/"invested in" (don't know, and don't care) and they visit every month or so)
BIL is over 40, lives alone in what (is? Was?) the family home, never had ANY sort of relationship AT ALL. 4 years older than DH.
ILs are extremely insular and DH has essentially been outcast anything outside of the immediate family (ie the 3 of them) doesn't exist).

Been with DH for 16 years, married for 7.

PILs have behaved questionably towards me to say the least over the years. FIL told me right at the start that he wished one of his boys would go out with one of my closest friends (ie not me). Wanted details of our financial situation (on a fairly regular basis, including inheritance that I was left by my grandparents). Talked down to DH at every opportunity. Made to sit in another room by myself when mil's family were visiting so that they could have a family meal. When my grandad died and I was distraught, comments included "why are you so upset? He was just your grandad" The list is endless and these are only off the top of my head.

I used to make a huge effort with them. Cooked a weeks worth of meals and even washed/bagged veg ready to cook when mil's dad died suddenly. Picked up packages, cleaned, offered and given lifts, entertained their relatives when they decided to go away when they visited from abroad.

Ds was very poorly when he arrived. 3 days in hospital, we desperately needed support (we thought Ds had died ), Ds in SCBU and vomited every single feed straight back up. PILs didn't bother to visit as the visiting times weren't convenient (first grandchild and PILs are retired, absolutely no other commitments).

FIL had an "event" before Christmas and was very unwell but is now recovering. I've spent a long time looking into how to support them both, looking at specialist websites etc. One of these sites has a talk forum. FIL told me that he had started posting (you can see where this is going, can't you?)

So, I happen to see a post today that blithely mentions that he would like to "swap DILs" for another poster that has been going onto this forum for support for her FIL. A throwaway comment, a passing joke. But it has hurt me very, very much. Out of DH, BIL and I, the two boys have done precisely fuck all, whereas I'm the one who has been trying to be supportive (including sending stuff via post) and to try to help.

I don't really know what I'm hoping to achieve by posting here, but I'm gutted. I've always known they don't like me but to see it in black and white feels like I've been punched in the stomach.

I'm over reacting, aren't I? (Feel free to offer a kick up the arse)

Tell him you understand why he may not be able to see it the way you do because he grew up with them and it may be 'normal' to him but you believe if he thinks about some of the specific incidents you feel he should be able to understand how DS will see them - the mother he loves being kept upstairs whilst everyone else eats and she starves etc and that this is not healthy behaviour for him to learn is normal.

crapDIL please change your user name!

Please note you have also identified a location in your post.

I am sorry things are so hard at moment.

Please get your dh to see that he is not piggy in the middle he is at serious risk of being piggy put of his marriage and family. Marriage and parenthood creates a new commitment and bond. Usually these settle well with existing family ties but when there is a massive clash like this his DUTY is to his wife and child, unless you 'demands' were utterly unreasonable, which they are not!

This is going to sound harsh but STOP reading your FIL's comments. You are boiling your own blood forno conceivable benefit. Just step away!

Out of his marriage not put!

I would do nothing for them at all from now on, they are your husbands parents not yours and u don't owe them anything particularly when they can't even be civil .
Time to give back as good as your getting
I'd have been tempted to post back on his post about your shit fil!

I have stepped away from reading but tbh fil has stopped posting since he found out I'd seen his posts. Definitely for the best.

After DH hung up on me he spoke to mil at length. Apparently she is devastated and they have never hated me. Fil is quite unwell ATM (quelle surprise) and keeps vomiting. He's had to have his medication changed apparently. Didn't see hat one coming, no, not at all

Mil apparently won't talk to fil about this as he's too unwell. But communication isn't their strong point - apparently despite DH talking to mil and keeping her updated with Ds's condition, as fil didn't get text messages from DH that meant that he didn't have sufficient information

What DH fails to realise is that I don't care what they think of me (well, I do but it isn't uppermost in my mind). The issue for me is that they are nasty, selfish, hypocritical cunts who expect everyone to rally round when they couldn't give a shit about anyone but themselves.

I don't know whether to suggest separation to him or not.

And Ds hasn't left me alone all day, cried when I tried to put him in his high chair, won't play and so he's only just finished his lunch. He's been off his food for the last week anyway (chicken pox) so now not only am I a crap dil and Dw, I'm also a crap mum too. Well, at least I've got a full set now

Sorry, I'm drowning in self pity tonight

Just read the whole thread. I think you are a remarkably strong women and an amazing mother, you are fully prepared (rightly) to start ww3 and the fallout that entails to protect your child. If that's not good parenting I don't know what is.

I am no contact with my mother in law she's toxic and I've realised that what ever I do it will never be good enough.
Hugs xx

No you're not.

But stop doing it. Please. You're going to wear yourself down.

Where he's mentioned about swapping DIL's, YOU mention on the site that he's being very ungrateful and you see that you're not appreciated so you're not going to do any more for them.

I've stepped away completely. I only spoke to them a couple of weeks ago to update them on dh's condition. I've done absolutely nothing, no phone calls, no nothing. At all. And I don't intend to ever, ever again.

I can't get over DH going down the "they hate me" route with mil. That isn't the point right now. After so long I've accepted they don't like me, no matter what they claim. The point is that fil slagged DH off on a public forum, using his full RL name as a username, then tried to justify it. And there has been absolutely no apology forthcoming.

Oh op . You sound really lovely and not at all a failure.. It's those people, who have dragged you down. I would go and get some support from your family and while there, you will be able to read up on the toxicity and see things from a new perspective.

How can I phrase it to make DH understand hat I don't want him around the influence of toxic people?

Simple answer: you can't, because he doesn't want to see it

Sadly it still seems it's all got to be about him ... the nonsense about having supported you, the bleating about being in the middle, his worry over his (now conveniently poorly) father and all the rest. Personally I think you're right to consider going to your parents for a while; I'd hope some distance might focus his mind a little, but TBH I wouldn't bet too much on it

OP, stop giving a fuck about what your FIL says on online forums. If you expect an apology, it's not going to come (and to be honest, I'm not sure it's something reasonable to ask in this case).

Stop giving a fuck about what your ILs say altogether. Tell your husband that he's welcome to have a relationship with his parents if he wants, but that you believe that they are toxic and will have nothing - NOTHING, no reading online forums, no nothing - to do with them in the future.

Definitely not a crap mum (or wife, if only your DH could see it, and certainly not crap DIL!)

It's not surprising that your DS is still under the weather and whingy - it's a normal sort of reaction to having been ill, so don't worry about that at all. He'll come round when he's completely over it. x

I am NC with my alcoholic Narc MIL. I tried to gain her approval for over 30 years. I was almost her carer - more involved than any of her 3 children in supporting her and she still continued to treat me like shit.....until one day "I took myself out of punching distance" (nice phrase I learnt on here) and went NC. Didnt tell her or my DH at the time - just did it.

My husband still is in contact - the most important thing is that we do not discuss her ever.......I did have to reign him in and set boundaries when the predictable dramas/health-scares escalated (classic "hoovering" tactic) as he was over there every night after work......really after a few months that distance gives you perspective and you think WTAF was I doing/thinking.

As others have said read up on Narcs, toxic parents and ILs so that you are informed and feel strong that your NC decision is the only way to go -- BUT dont even bother to try to enlighten you DH - he will either get there in his own time or not - but if you dont ever talk about them what is the issue? It really wont be that hard - I suspect they do hate you - and will be glad that you are not around. Keep you son away as much as possible - or allow your DH to take him to visit or meet up very occassionaly.

You might need to look at co-dependent behaviours at your end as well as this will show how you have let these toxic people pollute your life as you have v low boundaries.

I am with DistanceCall on this, you say you have stepped away but are expecting an apology. Please stop worrying about what your in laws do or do not think of you. It is meaningless. You do not value their judgment, do you? How could you! So if they suddenly turned around tomorrow and said they had had it all wrong then what would it signify! They are not the sort of people who sound like they will say something nice to you!

You are waiting for it all to change and it probably never will. So just tell your husband he can continue to see his parents, of course, but you are not going to play daughter in law anymore.

And suggest he puts the first of his effort into your marriage and family.

If appropriate consider some counselling as a couple to move on.

You are not a bad mum, at all, but you say you've got a child with chicken pox, concentrate on your son and yourself.