Crap DIL (long and possibly triggering)

[CrapDIL]

Please, please don't flame me - I feel very delicate about this

Background - PILs (moved 100 miles away a few years ago, still have a house locally which BIL "bought part of"/"invested in" (don't know, and don't care) and they visit every month or so)
BIL is over 40, lives alone in what (is? Was?) the family home, never had ANY sort of relationship AT ALL. 4 years older than DH.
ILs are extremely insular and DH has essentially been outcast anything outside of the immediate family (ie the 3 of them) doesn't exist).

Been with DH for 16 years, married for 7.

PILs have behaved questionably towards me to say the least over the years. FIL told me right at the start that he wished one of his boys would go out with one of my closest friends (ie not me). Wanted details of our financial situation (on a fairly regular basis, including inheritance that I was left by my grandparents). Talked down to DH at every opportunity. Made to sit in another room by myself when mil's family were visiting so that they could have a family meal. When my grandad died and I was distraught, comments included "why are you so upset? He was just your grandad" The list is endless and these are only off the top of my head.

I used to make a huge effort with them. Cooked a weeks worth of meals and even washed/bagged veg ready to cook when mil's dad died suddenly. Picked up packages, cleaned, offered and given lifts, entertained their relatives when they decided to go away when they visited from abroad.

Ds was very poorly when he arrived. 3 days in hospital, we desperately needed support (we thought Ds had died ), Ds in SCBU and vomited every single feed straight back up. PILs didn't bother to visit as the visiting times weren't convenient (first grandchild and PILs are retired, absolutely no other commitments).

FIL had an "event" before Christmas and was very unwell but is now recovering. I've spent a long time looking into how to support them both, looking at specialist websites etc. One of these sites has a talk forum. FIL told me that he had started posting (you can see where this is going, can't you?)

So, I happen to see a post today that blithely mentions that he would like to "swap DILs" for another poster that has been going onto this forum for support for her FIL. A throwaway comment, a passing joke. But it has hurt me very, very much. Out of DH, BIL and I, the two boys have done precisely fuck all, whereas I'm the one who has been trying to be supportive (including sending stuff via post) and to try to help.

I don't really know what I'm hoping to achieve by posting here, but I'm gutted. I've always known they don't like me but to see it in black and white feels like I've been punched in the stomach.

I'm over reacting, aren't I? (Feel free to offer a kick up the arse)

Is your husband expecting you to run around after them or is this out of some sense of mistaken obligation?

Will they even notice if you stop? Which you should btw, right now.

A risk of being accused of being racist( I'm not, far from it) Is this a mixed race marriage that you are in, and their culture is one that doesn't value women? It sounds that way.

if it's his conditioning then so be it but it isn't yours. Your feelings have been hurt over the years and only you can protect yourself. (It would be great to have your DH's total support but it doesn't sound like you are going to get it).

Tell your DH what your FIL posted and tell him finally that you are done running around after them. Then detach and stay detached no matter what.

Just stop what you are doing for them. Stop everything.

Personally wouldn't let on you know what FIL has written as he may change his user name. Forewarned is forearmed

I would have left them to their own devices right after the meal they excluded you from. You sound over sympathetic to them and they are taking full advantage of your kindness. Tell them to f... off already

Agree with Oliversmum. You poor thing. Down tools. Permanently. They're just taking from you and don't deserve a scrap of what you're doing. Sounds like you'll get the same treatment whatever you do so give yourself a well deserved break and just look after yourself and DC. Stuff like this never gets any better and it's the old definition of what drives us mad - doing the same things over and over, expecting / hoping for a different outcome. It all sounds really quite abusive to you on an emotional level. X

"I would have left them to their own devices right after the meal they excluded you from."

Well yes.

Where was your husband then & why didn't you both leave?

If you just stop doing stuff, will anyone notice?

Why do you put yourself in this position? What do you get out of it?

I'd have stopped doing anything for these awful people a long time ago. They don't like you, they don't respect you, they never will.

Step back and leave them to it.

You do loads for them.....and they think youre, let's say, a level 3 dil (10 being the best, 1 the worst). This means to even register as a mediocre 6, you'd have to double your efforts. To be a good dil, triple them. Or, just slide down to level one, and reduce your workload to zero. I think you should just give up trying to please them. If you busted your gut at a hard job to only get 1/3rd minimum wage, you'd quit!

You are not a crap DIL they are crap PILs.

Life is too short.

Enjoy yourself and your DC just point the towards their family when they want anything with an 'I can't do that ask xxx'. No explanation just a no can do.

Stop. Doing. Anything. For. Them.

Don't be a doormat

Don't spend any more of your time or effort on these ungrateful horrible gits.

You sound like a lovely and very kind DIL. If they can't see that, their loss.

I've lived with a similar situation for 32 years now and there's no winning. They won't change, you will just wear yourself out trying to change them. And waste a lot of good years, which should be spent on your own DH and your own DC.
I said some time ago that whilst I wish them no ill, I fear they are the biggest load of oddbods ever to walk this planet, and I don't want to waste my good nature on them. I am civil when we come across each other but I don't cross any roads to make that happen. I don't want to know any personal stuff. I am always 'busy'. I take the greatest pleasure, whenever there are times of trouble in DH's family, of saying to him 'just do what you need to do to enable you to sleep tonight, I'll be here when you get back'.

I promise you, on their deathbeds they won't be calling for you to beg your forgiveness - there's no codicil in the will that gives thanks for the fact they had you as a DIL. Stop being their whipping boy.

I'd advise taking a step back and withdrawing your help from your in-laws. Clearly, they're not that keen on you and don't appreciate what you do for them. They don't deserve you. Why bother?

Of course you are hurt. I would be too. Ungrateful buggers!

So it sounds as if you'll get zero support from your husband?

Then I wouldn't say a word to him. I'd just quietly start to back away and stop doing things. And have a stockpile of excuses as to why I was too busy and 'Sorry DH, I guess you'll have to do that'.

OP, beyond mentioning "conditioning / minimising" you've hardly said anything so far about your DH's view of their behaviour towards you. What exactly has his reaction been to their appalling attitude?

In particular, what did he do when you were asked to leave the room for their "family meal"? Forgive me if I'm mistaken but it sounded as if you were left sitting alone ... please tell me he didn't remain with them??

I thought you might have been conditioned to this role. Just take a step back
Be 'busy' a lot. No need to argue with dh. Detach. Get a hobby if needs be that you can use as an excuse

Above all do this for your kids. They watch and learn just like you and dh did. Dont teach them to be doormats

Personally I would just go up to your dh and say
'Btw, I am done with your parents. I won't answer the phone, cook them meals, go out of my way for them and anything else I have done. You now have sole charge of all interactions with them. You talk to them, but them presents, organise everything. '

If he asks why, tell him. But let him know it isn't for discussion. There is nothing to discuss. Decision made. End of.

DH is very much of the opinion that "that's just how they are". He has stuck up for me in the past (eg I was 17 when we started going out and FIL wanted me to quit college, get married and give him grandchildren. DH told him to quit it -I continued education to masters level! - and FIL basically started cutting him out from this point onwards). He will do anything to keep the peace, even arguing that their behaviour is normal, and basically will do anything not to upset the apple cart.

For those who asked about the meal, DH and I had been together for about 6 months, he was packing to go back to where he was based 100 miles away (he came "home" at weekends). He was summoned to dinner and I had to stay in his room.

Apart from the obvious conditioning DH is surprisingly normal. Again, another reason for them to cut him off.

but pretty shitty of him to leave you in his room alone while he went to eat with them.

it would never be allowed to happen here and not just a girlfriend. I wouldn't dream of having anyone in the house kept out like that while we ate. I would manage another plate of food somehow.

Does your DH expect you to do all this stuff for them?

Show your h the thread. Tell him that you absolutely won't want anything said or done about it, but that as of now you're stepping back, accepting that it is what it is and that no matter what you do or don't do, it'll never meet with their approval, so that's it.

No anger, no words, confrontation, nothing, but you won't be marginalised again, you won't present yourself for anything again. You won't do anything else for anyone who adds nothing to your life, of that of your family. He can do gifts, cards, invitations, but you won't be cooking, wrapping or going anywhere on their behalf.

If anyone asks, you're busy, it's not convenient, what a shame, another time eh.

That is crap.
This is a great place for
"No."