Crap DIL (long and possibly triggering)

[CrapDIL]

Please, please don't flame me - I feel very delicate about this

Background - PILs (moved 100 miles away a few years ago, still have a house locally which BIL "bought part of"/"invested in" (don't know, and don't care) and they visit every month or so)
BIL is over 40, lives alone in what (is? Was?) the family home, never had ANY sort of relationship AT ALL. 4 years older than DH.
ILs are extremely insular and DH has essentially been outcast anything outside of the immediate family (ie the 3 of them) doesn't exist).

Been with DH for 16 years, married for 7.

PILs have behaved questionably towards me to say the least over the years. FIL told me right at the start that he wished one of his boys would go out with one of my closest friends (ie not me). Wanted details of our financial situation (on a fairly regular basis, including inheritance that I was left by my grandparents). Talked down to DH at every opportunity. Made to sit in another room by myself when mil's family were visiting so that they could have a family meal. When my grandad died and I was distraught, comments included "why are you so upset? He was just your grandad" The list is endless and these are only off the top of my head.

I used to make a huge effort with them. Cooked a weeks worth of meals and even washed/bagged veg ready to cook when mil's dad died suddenly. Picked up packages, cleaned, offered and given lifts, entertained their relatives when they decided to go away when they visited from abroad.

Ds was very poorly when he arrived. 3 days in hospital, we desperately needed support (we thought Ds had died ), Ds in SCBU and vomited every single feed straight back up. PILs didn't bother to visit as the visiting times weren't convenient (first grandchild and PILs are retired, absolutely no other commitments).

FIL had an "event" before Christmas and was very unwell but is now recovering. I've spent a long time looking into how to support them both, looking at specialist websites etc. One of these sites has a talk forum. FIL told me that he had started posting (you can see where this is going, can't you?)

So, I happen to see a post today that blithely mentions that he would like to "swap DILs" for another poster that has been going onto this forum for support for her FIL. A throwaway comment, a passing joke. But it has hurt me very, very much. Out of DH, BIL and I, the two boys have done precisely fuck all, whereas I'm the one who has been trying to be supportive (including sending stuff via post) and to try to help.

I don't really know what I'm hoping to achieve by posting here, but I'm gutted. I've always known they don't like me but to see it in black and white feels like I've been punched in the stomach.

I'm over reacting, aren't I? (Feel free to offer a kick up the arse)

No you are not overreacting.
Stop. Start doing stuff for you instead.
You obviously have s caring nature.
Care for yourself instead.
They aren't even noticing your support so withdraw it.
It's ok to stop.

Sorry, I disagree with most posters....yes you are over-reacting. You don't know it was him that posted that.

However PILs sounds awful. I would not be doing all the things that you are doing for them and tbh I am a bit confused as to why exactly you have continued to do all these things for them. I am sorry but your post just don't make sense. You said that your DH has essentially been outcast so I am not sure how that can be if you seen to have so much contact with them. I just don't really understand. You are either outcast or you're not. I just get the feeling that all is not as it seems here. Sorry.

You sound very kind, but why are you doing so much for them when their own children don't even bother? It sounds like they will never like or accept you. In your situation I would stop making an effort for them, though I don't know if I would have the courage to say what made me decide. And perhaps concentrate on people who make you feel good about yourself rather than people who accept your efforts but treat you badly.

Do not do anything else for them, please.

I cannot understand why your husband, who they have outcast, has sat back and let you do all this stuff for them and not said anything to you, or suggested you stop. Also that he allowed his family to make you sit in a separate room for a meal . (Presumably before he was outcast...)

Do not have anything further to do with these people.

I agree with everyone so far. And I'd be tempted to respond to his post with one of my own, along the lines of 'Since you have found my (considerable) efforts and help over the last few years lacking, let's see how you get on without any of it from now on... I wonder if anyone else will want to bother?'

Although really, why bother? What a shower of c*nts they sound.

Stop trying to support them. They will ignore your efforts. Not to mention they are horrible people who do not deserve support!

Having a read of In-Laws by Susan Forward could help you out here.

You and your DH need to take a big step back from these people who have effectively estranged themselves from both of you already.

If a member of my family outed me on here and was reading my posts, I'd be very hurt, this is my private space where I can give my true feelings - not for people to "spy" on me. If he's saying things like that to flirt with people on an internet forum to be liked by strangers, leave him to it. However, I would be tempted to mention that you'd been posting on the forum asking for advice for him but that you'd changed some details so no-one would know

I'll try that link again, sorry
Toxic In-Laws:
amzn.to/1nliQBu

I'd suggest that you sit your DH down and outline (if he doesn't realize all you've done) the things you've done for your iLs to help them out in a calm, factual way. Then tell him how unsupportive and unhelpful they've been to both of you. Then show him his father's posts on that forum. The point being to show him how one-sided the relationship is.

Then tell him that from this moment on you will have nothing to do with your iLs and will do nothing more for them. That he can choose to continue a relationship with them or not, but you are DONE.

Well, you tried to win them over and failed.

Step awaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Could stop there ....... but why on earth are you pondering their future, care, support or whatever - WHY??

If you aren't hanging in there for a share of the inheritance, which I doubt, FGS step back. Not your DPs not your problem.

Do you think every female in the country takes on their own family, their own DPs, then takes on ILs and BILs as well, some never ending list of responsibilities.

Get a life, step away.

Stop helping them
Ungrateful tossers

Oh, and you don't need to have a 'show down' with the iLs or even tell them that you're stopping. You just stop. You don't owe them any explanation.

The one who needs a kick up the Arse is your FIL, what a gobshite.

That's part of the problem Captain - he needs a safe place to vent and talk to other people who have been affected in the same way. The last thing I'd want is to compromise a source of support for him, which is why I'm veering towards not telling DH.

Chilly I know for a fact that it is him. He told me he used the forum (after I'd found it myself) and his username is his RL name. His posts contain information that he has told me himself. There is absolutely no room for doubt I'm afraid.

I've stepped back massively over the years, basically because when DH moved out when we got a place together that's when they stopped involving him/us in anything. Invites were either declined or just not responded to. We're not even told when dh's very elderly nana is admitted to hospital - we find out from other sources.

I just feel so sad about it. My dad's mum disliked my mum very much and, fuck me, did she let it show. So I've done everything I possibly can to have a good relationship with my ILs.

Ds arrived in March, and since then there has been more contact than usual. No support of course, but we're expected to make more effort so that hey can see their grandson

You are not over reacting in the slightest. What mean horrible people. You poor love.

What a shock to see something written like that.

I would honestly stop doing anything for them. If your FIL asks why, I would say "I think you know the reason for that". And discuss it no further.

You need your DH's support in this. Will you get that?

They are not worth your spit OP

What a nasty pair of cretins. I wouldn't waste my time any further with them if I were you!

Sorry but I think your husband needs to step up. Having a womb does not mean that you are solely responsible for caring for people regardless, they are his fucking parents (and they are bastards) so let him or his brother deal. And if your DH was eating with 'his family' while you were in the other room then he is a massive twat

I am sorry that you are hurt but honestly, you need to say to your DH 'I can't keep on putting myself out for people who clearly do not appreciate it so I won't be doing it any more'

Why are you protecting your FIL and his source of support when he is being so vile and writing awful things about you? I don't understand why.

And why can't you tell your DH? You should be united in this not keeping secrets from each other, otherwise how can you support each other?

Fuck 'em.

Seriously, step away.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Yours, another crap not really, and neither are you DIL

you sound like a martyr.

why did you post this on here? Everyone is telling you the same thing and yet you are considering keeping this to yourself and not telling your DH. It's his family and if it weren't for him you wouldn't be exposed to them.

What do you want to hear exactly?

My dad's mum disliked my mum very much and, fuck me, did she let it show

We are influenced by our own upbringing and you seem to believe that helping, supporting and making time for an unpleasant unkind relative is some duty that you must carry out. Maybe due to your own childhood.

The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner is not specifically about your situation but it might give you some advice and is worth a read.

Stop doing stuff for the ungrateful bunch of bastards. Honestly leave them to it. They'll moan, but they moan anyway.

That's part of the problem Captain - he needs a safe place to vent and talk to other people who have been affected in the same way. The last thing I'd want is to compromise a source of support for him

You are a lovely person. Even with the way they treat you, you want to leave the old goat a place for support. You're nicer than I am. If you can, stop looking at his postings. You already know how they feel, don't rub your own nose in it. But I'll admit I honestly don't know if I could stop myself from looking.

Just out of curiosity, what does your DH think of your (both of your) relationship with his parents? Does he see the inequality?

I don't know tbh Brass. If I'm honest I think I posted almost as a reflex (NC but I'm on here a lot!)

But I do know that DH will minimise (he's been conditioned, as a poster has said ^) and it will, without a doubt, be the source of an argument. I haven't got the mental or emotional energy to deal with that ATM. I suppose I just needed to check that I'm not being ridiculous for being upset.

Unfortunately it's a bit of a family trait to put up with shit unconditionally. I/we have just gone extremely low contact 3 years ago with my aunt and her husband after years of narcissistic behaviour and general nastiness.