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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Crap DIL (long and possibly triggering)

166 replies

CrapDIL · 26/01/2016 14:00

Please, please don't flame me - I feel very delicate about this Sad

Background - PILs (moved 100 miles away a few years ago, still have a house locally which BIL "bought part of"/"invested in" (don't know, and don't care) and they visit every month or so)
BIL is over 40, lives alone in what (is? Was?) the family home, never had ANY sort of relationship AT ALL. 4 years older than DH.
ILs are extremely insular and DH has essentially been outcast anything outside of the immediate family (ie the 3 of them) doesn't exist).

Been with DH for 16 years, married for 7.

PILs have behaved questionably towards me to say the least over the years. FIL told me right at the start that he wished one of his boys would go out with one of my closest friends (ie not me). Wanted details of our financial situation (on a fairly regular basis, including inheritance that I was left by my grandparents). Talked down to DH at every opportunity. Made to sit in another room by myself when mil's family were visiting so that they could have a family meal. When my grandad died and I was distraught, comments included "why are you so upset? He was just your grandad" Sad The list is endless and these are only off the top of my head.

I used to make a huge effort with them. Cooked a weeks worth of meals and even washed/bagged veg ready to cook when mil's dad died suddenly. Picked up packages, cleaned, offered and given lifts, entertained their relatives when they decided to go away when they visited from abroad.

Ds was very poorly when he arrived. 3 days in hospital, we desperately needed support (we thought Ds had died Sad ), Ds in SCBU and vomited every single feed straight back up. PILs didn't bother to visit as the visiting times weren't convenient (first grandchild and PILs are retired, absolutely no other commitments).

FIL had an "event" before Christmas and was very unwell but is now recovering. I've spent a long time looking into how to support them both, looking at specialist websites etc. One of these sites has a talk forum. FIL told me that he had started posting (you can see where this is going, can't you?)

So, I happen to see a post today that blithely mentions that he would like to "swap DILs" for another poster that has been going onto this forum for support for her FIL. A throwaway comment, a passing joke. But it has hurt me very, very much. Out of DH, BIL and I, the two boys have done precisely fuck all, whereas I'm the one who has been trying to be supportive (including sending stuff via post) and to try to help.

I don't really know what I'm hoping to achieve by posting here, but I'm gutted. I've always known they don't like me but to see it in black and white feels like I've been punched in the stomach.

I'm over reacting, aren't I? (Feel free to offer a kick up the arse) Sad

OP posts:
stiffstink · 26/01/2016 18:27

How did the conversation arise where he told you he was posting? Given the form he has for being a hurtful shit it sounds to me like he knew you were looking on these sites/forums and he's deliberately done it to hurt you knowing you would be on the forum.

The RL name is just too glaring, he wanted you to see it when you were on there

cosytoaster · 26/01/2016 18:28

Just stop bothering and making any effort with them, you really, really need to toughen up and stop trying to please them.

Jux · 26/01/2016 19:30

Just stop. Let them look after themselves, and let dh bear the brunt of whatever he decides to do for them.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/01/2016 19:46

(DH) will do anything to keep the peace, even arguing that their behaviour is normal, and basically will do anything not to upset the apple cart

Even at the expense of all this hurt to his wife? Oh dear ... Hmm

QuiteLikely5 · 26/01/2016 19:57

You need to understand that whatever you do will not make these people like or accept you.

Please don't lend too much of yourself towards them, they seem abusive and you seem to be keen to please them.

It will never happen. They are dysfunctional.

Distance yourself. For your own sanity

Your Fil, now you told him you knew of a forum, he then went and slated you on there knowing full well that if you saw it you wouldn't dare mention it otherwise, he knows he can accuse you of spying on him!!

Original poster
CrapDIL · 26/01/2016 21:00

Ive told DH Sad

He's furious at his dad, thankfully not at me Sad

I've begged him not to say anything and that his dad needs somewhere safe to vent - has agreed that he won't "for now"

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 26/01/2016 21:43

I know for a fact that it is him. He told me he used the forum

He most definitely did this on purpose, then. This man is a very nasty piece of work.

RedMapleLeaf · 26/01/2016 21:48

Why do you put yourself in this position? What do you get out of it?

Original poster
CrapDIL · 26/01/2016 22:22

I don't know Red. I'm just so desperate to have a good relationship with them that I'll do anything to try to make them like me.

Interesting that people reckon he knew I'd be on there - really does put a different slant on things Sad

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 26/01/2016 22:24

I'm just so desperate to have a good relationship with them that I'll do anything to try to make them like me.

That makes me wonder two things. Firstly, has it worked? And secondly, whether it has or not, at what cost to you?

Bogeyface · 26/01/2016 22:28

I'm just so desperate to have a good relationship with them that I'll do anything to try to make them like me.

How many more years are you going to take of being treated like shit before you cotton that that just ain't going to happen, not now, not ever.

By being such a doormat you are giving them permission to treat you exactly as they please, knowing full well that the next time they want something you will go running. So dont.

You are not gaining one single thing from your relationship with them, so stop bothering. Lets face it, they can hardly treat you any worse than they are doing.

Costacoffeeplease · 26/01/2016 22:30

Why?

Original poster
CrapDIL · 26/01/2016 22:31

True. Very true Blush

It hasn't worked and its cost my sanity and dignity.

And yes, they will just carry on doing what they always have. I don't know why I expect/hope for a different reaction - isn't that the definition of insanity?

OP posts:
BombadierFritz · 26/01/2016 22:34

What are you teaching your kids here??

Bogeyface · 26/01/2016 22:34

Yep. I believe was Einstein that said doing the same thing over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

And its true isnt it? Look at the state you are in over this. Do you think that they lose one second in thought over how they treat you? Do you think that you even cross their minds in any way until they want something?

Costacoffeeplease · 26/01/2016 22:56

I honestly couldn't give a shit what my in laws think of me - I've been married for almost 30 years - really, fuck 'em

Original poster
CrapDIL · 26/01/2016 23:27

I suppose I just know what it's like to be a grandchild where it is patently obvious that your grandmother hates your mum. And I never, ever wanted my DC to be in that position.

I don't have control over that, do I?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/01/2016 23:31

I've told DH ... He's furious at his dad, thankfully not at me

OP you're honestly beginning to worry me here - why on earth would you be thankful DH isn't angry with you?

What possible reason would you have to feel that way?

ouryve · 26/01/2016 23:33

You have control over whether your DC get to witness their grandparents despising their mum.

My grandfather was a curmudgeonly git who said "get that thing away from me." when my mum turned up to visit him with me, her first baby, in her arms. I never did meet him again and, for that, I am thankful. I did have some envy for other kids with lots of loving grandparents, but that didn't stop me from being glad that I didn't have to spend time with an unkind one.

Costacoffeeplease · 26/01/2016 23:52

No - you don't and unfortunately you can't change it - hey ho, that's life

Pico2 · 26/01/2016 23:53

I agree with previous posters. He told you that he posts there with the intention of you reading his unpleasant words about you. I think it's a form of controlling behaviour. He's got you to look at what he's said and is effectively staring you out, because he thinks that if you mention it, he'll win.

I think you shouldn't mention reading the forum. Just quietly disengage and leave him and you MIL to live without your support and efforts.

Bogeyface · 26/01/2016 23:54

You cant control them hating you, but you can show your child that you wont take it.

At the moment you are showing your children that if someone treats you badly you should take and go back for more. What you should be teaching them is that you can try to be polite and kind and generous, but if someone constantly treats you badly then its ok to say "I will not accept this treatment anymore" and walk away.

Do you generally avoid all conflict OP? I am wondering if there is more to this than you are saying (I noticed your worry about DH maybe being angry with you as a PP did), or whether you are so desperate to avoid any kind of argument of conflict that you allow them to treat you like that in order to avoid your DH getting cross about it.

TendonQueen · 27/01/2016 00:03

I'd be so tempted to reply just with 'Perhaps the feeling's mutual' on the forum. But it's probably best just to walk away and do no more for them. I wouldn't be making big efforts to take your son round either.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/01/2016 00:11

There's a saying I learnt whilst dealing with my brother's alcohol abuse. But I think it applies to any situation where things are beyond our control.

You didn't cause this.
You can't control this.
You can't cure this.

And it's true. You can only beat your head against a stone wall for so long before you bash your own brains out. And you're still never going to move that wall.

Give up. Really. Just stop. For a while you're going to feel 'bad', even though you shouldn't. For a while they're going to kick off because you no longer do X, Y, or Z for them. But it'll stop. Or if it doesn't you won't really care because you won't be around to hear about it!

BombadierFritz · 27/01/2016 03:22

You do have control over that because they dont have to see that. You are letting them see that. The other choice is to protect them from seeing that. You cant make them like you but you can stop being their whipping boy. It isnt really normal for people to take 16 years of abuse off a boyfriends then husbands parents. It sounds like you were almost 'groomed' to take this abuse by your own family? Dont let this pattern repeat in the next generatiin

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