this hit home - bloke's blog

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

This is exactly what is wrong in my marriage.

Hadn't realised there was a nail, let alone that it needed hitting on it's head.

I am going to try to articulate to my husband why I need him to stack the glass in the dishwasher. Again. Sigh.

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

"bertrandrussell yes I am, because my MIL is void of all common sense"

Why not blame her son? Is he not an adult?

Oh yes indeed, Adrift someone who breezed in and immediately spotted everything that was a work in progress, with no appreciation of the fact that I got interrupted eleventy million times by the children as I worked. I once blew up and roared at him that there is a reason people don't take their children to work with them but this went right over his head because housework is not work. It wasn't a hobby, it wasn't a job it became clear to me that he felt that housework was what he was entitled to expect of me, and housework done to his standard, and that he felt I was accountable to him for how I spent my time.

He never accepted that getting things done at home while the children were there was a case of keeping umpteen balls in the air all at the same time. I should apparently have had the same sort of tunnel vision, task focused approach that he had.

Any time I left him with the children I would come home to find them sitting on the couch with the TV on, all very tight-lipped, with a good deal of housework accomplished. He didn't see the cost to the children of witnessing someone wield a hoover with a face contorted in anger and curses being muttered. When we were going through our divorce I found a diary of DD1's from when she was about 8, with a description of how DD3 and DS had hidden their toys from him for fear that he would throw them out, or kick them aside as he had done the previous time he had been 'in charge' and decided to give me a lesson in tidying my own home.

BR, I would blame his father too. I don't think it is unreasonable to state that children absorb their fundamental approach to family life from their home of origin.

Gosh Math, well done for taking your kids out of that environment.

I should have done it long before I did.

exH was a prime example of needing to be right and placing that value ahead of kindness.

When my DH leaves stuff lying around I just leave it. Trust me, I have had dirty cups left on the kitchen work surface for a very long time. He used to ask "why haven't you washed that?" I always answered "I thought you had left it there for a reason, you didn't pop it in the dishwasher or wash it up so I thought you where doing something special with it" And then when he got the hump I just told him I was not his Mother! He wouldn't expect a work colleague to clean up for him or, if they offered, he would say thank you! so why should I be treated any differently. I have to admit it took a while but now if he does leave stuff lying around it usually is for a valid reason.
I have had the "well I work, what do you do all day" Went on strike over that one. Did everything for myself and our boys but just left him to do his own stuff. He had no meals cooked for him, no clothes washed, no shirts ironed, etc. When he moaned I told him to go back and live with his Mother as it was her job to look after little boys. We laugh about it now but at least he knows how to use the dishwasher/washing machine/kettle etc. The iron still defeats him though!

DH has been in charge for about a week (I have pneumonia). Today I brought up the headspace thing and he agreed that it's colossal: the constant juggling of timings and resources and needs and wants.

"And I'm still doing at least half of it," I remarked.

His agreement was sort of haunted.

I don't think this episode will drastically change anything but the insight into the intellectual/mental aspects of it will hopefully stay with him and he'll get better at looking at a house and seeing what's to be done.

bertrandrussell oh I do! But she's the source. She didn't send her son as an adult out into the big wide world.
I also blame myself for a lot of things but mostly for not seeing the signs twenty ago. Too late now. We have a daughter together. I should have chosen wisely for her sake. She knows a little of what he is like too. Without one word from me.

I recognise so much of this. DH favourite saying is " you never told me that" but he also has no time to read emails ( meaning he would get the info himself) as he is so busy

No matter that I have a very busy full time job and earn more than he does - it is still my job to do the thinking.

Not sure if I will show DH as he'll probably sulk and still won't get what I mean.

What I find really difficult is that he has a go at DS for leaving clothes and shoes around, not taking plates to the kitchen etc. but that is exactly what he does!

do as I say not as I do..

DH and I share the cooking and washing up. He doesn't see why he needs to do either of them every other time, as he WORKS. I just sit around and look after our very strong-willed 3yo all day, that's just nothing.

I have pointed out to him that yes, I know he works, and yes, I am at home - but it's very important that the boys see him cooking and washing up so that they don't carry forward the idea that "only Mummies do that". He does his own ironing (because I loathe it), but I do all the laundry because I'm not having our clothes ruined through his inattention to detail. He does "get" what I mean, although I don't think he fully agrees with it! But tough nuts - he still gets to do every other dinner-cook, and every other wash-up. (I refused to go the "you cook, I wash up" route, because he can use every single sodding pan to do steak and veg, plus he never does anything after dinner.)

Question please.

My dh is just the same. Does not engage as wifey will sort it out so hasn't an effing clue what is going on at what time on what day.

Does anyone know of such a man, who does things with no prompting, who washes and irons because it needs doing and for no praise or reward??? Is there such a thing as this?

My friend has a husband who does things without asking. Fantastic I hear you calling. He drives her mad. She told me he came downstairs one morning with 4 lots of bedding, freshly stripped from the beds, and proceeded to stuff them into the washer. He said to her, I thought I'd strip the beds today. She said, but I only did them yesterday.

Things are a lot better, but sometimes, I can't quite shake off the feeling that I am an supporting character in the film of his life, and I don't have a film of my own.**
*
^^THIS. TOTALLY THIS.*

puts hand up gingerly I have an adult husband. He does all the washing up, inc wiping down the surfaces and sweeping the floor. He does at least 50% of the laundry inc one off things like changing bedding on the spare room bed for my parents coming to visit. He writes items that are running low on the shopping list. He voluntarily runs the Hoover around if needed. He doesn't do things 'for me'.

We do have a cleaner once a week by also have 3 children under three in the house all day so it gets grubby.

He was pretty much trained up by livig with his OCD mate for 2 years and then we had twins who didn't sleep and I BF constantly for hours on end. He already stepped up but that period of their babyhood was so insane that he had to step up or I would have crumbled. He works in the City (at one point he was comin home from work at midnight and taking a screaming baby from a sobbing me for a few hours before peeling himself back into work for 9am)

His kindness was what attracted me tk him and it keeps us glued together. We are a team (mainly pitted against the kids! 😄).

"Does anyone know of such a man, who does things with no prompting, who washes and irons because it needs doing and for no praise or reward??? Is there such a thing as this?"

Yep. They are called "grown ups"

But you haven't answered the question Bertrand. Is your dh one of these grown ups?

My dp is. Yes. Or I would not be with him.

Sooooo jealous you have a grown up and I have a man child.

Leave him.

I should and maybe will. But I really don't know if you have a one off there. I mean are there any more adult men besides yours?

There are lots around, Ticktack.

There are lots around.

But you are better off alone than with one who isn't.

Ah, but, you say that so easily, Bertrand.

It is easy to think "I would never allow myself to be treated with such disdain" without weighing up the "haves"

For instance (I'm the OP)

He's an irritanting, entitled, lazy arsed slob. He genuinely believes that he as he Brings In The Money that he ca relax behind his newspaper ipad and be valued because he's reliable, long thinking, financially sensible, loyal and - at heart, thinks it the 1950s.

HE doesn't understand the value of a cuddle with the kids. That they'd like for him to say "how was your day?"

Doesn't get it.

Thanks his "reward" of paying the mortgage s a lblowjob.

Feels aggrieved that I don' t much feel like dishing out blowjobs

I am lonely.

I have lots of pressures of juggling (comparatively speaking, shit payed job) an ALL the house, and ALL the kids.

BUT

LTB?

He's a slightly inadequate shit husband, but, he's THEIR dad. I don' think he's emotionally averrable for hem - but, he's better than y dad was. Who was doing his best. Which was better han his dad.

So, "well, I wouldn't put up with it" MN really pisses me off.

I wouldn't have either.

YEt, here I am ,weighing up the positives and the negatives.

This sort of shit - it's a slow burner.

I'll leave him, made my mind up years ago. I'll leave hi once the kids are settled. And, if there's an early pregnancy, or family illness, or, poor exam results, or whatever... then, I'll stay.

It's not all about me.

And,t hat was my mistake

'I am lonely' is something you should think seriously about.

Also ask yourself if the slow generational improvement you noted in your family is due to the effect of exposure to men getting away with this sort of entitled behaviour. What are your children absorbing?

If what I am about to say is too harsh, then I'm sorry.

But if how you are representing your relationship is 100% accurate, then what you are doing is teaching the next generation to be the same. Your sons are learning how to treat women, your daughters are being taught what to expect. Do you want to watch the same thing being played out in the next generation? For your grandchildren to learn the same patterns of behaviour? It's shit- but they won't know any different if you don't show them.