this hit home - bloke's blog

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

This is exactly what is wrong in my marriage.

Hadn't realised there was a nail, let alone that it needed hitting on it's head.

I am going to try to articulate to my husband why I need him to stack the glass in the dishwasher. Again. Sigh.

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

Werksallhourz yes!

I actually thought that was a long and self-indulgent piece of writing. Of course his wife wanted to not have to deal with him on the level of a child all the time.

The real problem was that he didn't care enough to listen. Sooner or later in life you just have to go 'well, if I don't do X then Y will happen' - there is no magical thinking around it. Sidestepping and saying 'oh I didn't get it' is crap. He didn't care enough to try to get it.

yy to just getting on and cooking it. And not texting me while I'm at work "what should I make for tea?" - I don't know- I'm. At. Work. I realise it's borne of me being a bit control-freaky in the past and the fact that I usually do plan what we're eating for most meals - but honestly, is looking in the fridge and making an educated guess so difficult?? And even if he got it 'wrong' I've lost the ability to be uptight about that these days, I'd be pleased if he just put food on the table - any food!

I liked that he took responsibility for taking her for granted. A bit too late, assuming that's really the cause of their marriage breakdown, but, it's very refreshing to get the bloke's side of things.

And, there's some pointers for me - I do nag. I do huff. I do withdraw sex because I feel like he doesn't care for me.

Communication, that's all it boils down to.

And, learning how to not martyr myself. I'm quite bad at that one.

On the up side, if we ever do separate - I'll be fine. I can run a house and look after kids and juggle work and finances. He'd have be totally fecked on a steep learning curve. Every cloud.

Really good blog and brillaint post by werkz. Just emailed it to husband now, though really he's pretty good. But the early years had their moments.

The blog made me tearful my divorce occurred because my ExH had an affair. He still to this day makes no connection between expecting me to do organise everything to do with food, house and child with me becoming exhausted ( I work long, long hours in 24/7 role) and not feeling like having sex with him.
He will never get that feeling unloved and not respected does not make you want to have sex with someone. If you add total exhaustion so bad to wept whilst asking for help at one point it is a recipe for disaster.
I hope one day I might meet someone else who will treat me with the respect and compassion I deserve:

I'm worried

I'm the wife and a woman but I'm the man you guys are referring to.

My friends always say my husband would make someone a good wife one day.

The problem with us is - he's naturally tidy and i'm a naturally not. I only think about hoovering when the floor crunches. I'd fill the sink until I have a dishwasher load and then load it.

the problem is I'm 39 and have been trying for 20 years to change but I can't.

You can, but you know your dh will do it so you don't think about it.

'Womens' work is so ingrained in society. My Mum is a typical example. If she babysits she will often kindly bring the washing in. But its always 'Lots' washing. My OH often comments 'did you leave mine on the line then?'

My OH still asks me what we are having for dinner though GRRRRR

Actually, I've only been with my husband for 6 years - I was like that for the previous 14

stealtheating lol at "every cloud" - I often wonder if I was away/ill for any period of time whether it would be a wake-up call for DH in terms of realising the full extent of what I do to keep everything ticking over...

And you're right about communication - DH and I are crap at that because I'm conflict averse and he, well, he probably only realises there's a problem with anything when it gets to the point where I'm having a (rare) meltdown!

I do the martyr thing sometimes but I've seen my mum do this and it's not an attractive quality so I really try to pull myself up on that one - I suppose that's why I usually just get on with it and do the tidying up that he doesn't.

I haven't got sons but I think part of it is raising them to clear up their own crap (though I certainly also teach my daughters to tidy up, a war of attrition but gotta be fought). Too many kids are/have been indulged by martyr parents

I have just read this and instantly called the kids down to pick up various items that were dumped on way in from school. It's a start of making them more responsible. Posted blog on facebook so could be interesting to hear dh's response -I will bet he misses the point completely and say "but you don't like me loading the dishwasher"

Part of the "wifework" problem is not just actually doing the wifework, but having to think about the wifework.

this

My DH would be on here arguing that he does housework etc and yes he is not completely useless or lazy but whilst we share the housework he does not cook at all, I do all food shopping, lunches for all of us, even have to order the sodding takeaway (and decide what we are eating and from where) BUT I am exhausted, I make decisions for people in work all day long, I makes decisions for kids. I plan ahead to decide what food I have to buy to prepare the meals. I don't want DH to sit there on the evening and say so whats the plan tonight then, I don't want him to sit there and say so what shall we watch then - just make a sodding decision. I definitely don't want him to come in the kitchen and ask if he can help with anything just as I am dishing up but most of all I just want him to stack the saucepans away in order so I don't have to take everything out of the sodding cupboard before I can even start.

just make a sodding decision

This 100%

There is a mental exhaustion I find, when you are the be all and end all in the family. And sometimes, often in fact, you just need the other supposedly responsible adult in the house to make a fucking decision.

I remember in the early days H asking me if the chicken was done. As he was standing next to the oven. I told him to take a look and see. Oh my did he kick off. An immature brat, who went from his mothers house, to his first wife's, to a serviced apt, and then to my home.

I did tell him once, I can see why xW left you.

One of the most infuriating for me is if he has to take DC to dr or sports etc, I'm expected to give him the detailed directions of how to get there, where to park, who to see etc, rather than just the time and address of the appt. Lazy, thoughtless and inconsiderate.

It would probably do many men a lot of good to live alone for a few years and learn how to run a house before they foist themselves on a partner.

wooly I'm a bit like that myself. When your DH is naturally tidy and you're not, trying to keep up with his level of tidiness can feel like being controlled. When you're bad at what is generally known as 'women's work' you do feel guilty and (irrationally) not like a 'real woman' when your DH fills in the gaps. I had to stand back from all the gendered stuff and work out a few things for myself. (1) I quite like things tidy, if I'm honest with myself, or I'd never have married DH; (2) I had to start taking responsibility for doing the drudge stuff around myself and the kids when it was needed; (3) it's OK not to do the tidying/cleaning perfectly, but it's not OK to not do it at all and (4) if he's reasonable, he'll know that you're pitching in to the best of your ability, but if he insists that you stack the dishwasher exactly how he does it and no other way is acceptable, then he is a controlling bully.

I might be flamed for this...I agree with the blog post and think it's a great post.

I also think someone could write a version from the female side...

My DP doesn't give a monkeys about the kitchen surfaces being cleaned between our usual weekly cleans. I do. So sometimes I remind myself that I'm cleaning it because I'm the one that wants it IYSWIM.

Like everything in a relationship it's a bit of give and take...

I often see relationship dynamics where one partner (usually but I guess not always the female) takes charge of the house and wants things done 'a certain way' and stamps their authority over 'the way things should be'. This leads to the other partner taking a more passive role...partly because they don't have the same standards and partly because they are treated as incapable.

I'm very close to not thinking ahead about lunches and dinners at the weekend (when we are both off work) and seeing what miraculously turns up on the table for the family to eat. I'm close to breaking point at having to think what's the next meal and to check and make sure the food is actually there to be cooked. I feel exhausted at the moment.

He does stuff certainly. But he'll put a wash on but not always remove it dry in etc. or he'll put on several loads one after the other with no thought that this means pikes of wet washing that needs to be dried in a house that can't take three loads of dring at one time.

I so sick of asking, planning and organising.

I do think the answer is to step back a little....I believe we (women, generalising massively!) sometimes do too much because we've been socialised that a 'good woman' runs her home well.

I think that's why we tend to be more uptight about standards than guys because if things aren't running well we worry what that means (what will people think?!).

So stepping back means we have to become comfortable that things won't be the way WE want them all of the time. They won't necessarily be to OUR standards.

Herroyal.....this. Exh could not be trusted to get kids to activities/parties/whatever without step by step instructions and phone back up. If he struggled he has no initiative it drove me insane. Dp makes lists based on ramblings. He sets reminders on his phone and notes dates in his phone calendar when I tell him about an event. He thinks it's a bit strange how grateful I am for this behaviour. He thinks it's just adult obligation not a super power!!

I haven't got sons but I think part of it is raising them to clear up their own crap

mine are being TAUGHT that. No option. No more cleaning after lazy presumptuous men for me, and I'm passing that on.

Right now I've tried being nice for a long time with our oldest one and it's not worked.

So he gets 2 reminders to clean his stuff up and if it's not done within 15 mins then whatever it is goes either into a box for a month or into the bin.

The thing is that you would have to do everything and think about everything if you lived on your own. Male or female. So men need to think about their environment just as much as women do, and the fact that they don't says very clearly that they don't see it as their responsibility, ie it's wife work. So every time your dh doesn't do something, it's because he sees it as your job, even if he doesn't realise that that's what he thinks. And the same is true if he offers to do something (even more so if the 'for you' is added). He wouldn't offer to do the hoovering if he lived alone, he'd just do it.

So both people need to think about what they would do if they lived alone, and then just do it. Then the negotiation is more to do with finding an acceptable compromise over how often something needs to be done (putting dirty clothes in wash basket - every time; hoovering - every day or every week etc), but both people are coming from the same place, 'it needs doing and I will do it'. Very different from 'it needs doing and I could help you', or 'does it need doing, I didn't know'?

I had the RAGE the other week.

DH peering into the fridge...I knew it was coming...he sighed...I could feel my wrath bubbling up to my eyeballs...then the daft eejit said in an exasperated voice "where's the butter?"

Standing in front of the fridge. Half his body in the fridge. Frowning because the butter was not in his field of vision. Sighing loudly because "someone" had camouflaged the butter.

"Are you seriously asking me to come over there and point at it?"

He muttered about how I'm so moody and mean and who hides butter in the fridge anyway?

Never has that man been less attractive to me than when he lost his butter.

Poor bloke.

Imagine being married to a control freak who gets stressed about trivialities and expects you to be a mind reader.

He's better off out of it.

Expecting someone to clear up after themselves is being a control freak? Really?

I don't expect a man to be a mind reader. I expect him to be able to just do housework, like a grown up.

Bonnie F

Knowing that cups/glasses need to be put inside the dushwasher for them to actually be washed is now mind reading?!