this hit home - bloke's blog

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

This is exactly what is wrong in my marriage.

Hadn't realised there was a nail, let alone that it needed hitting on it's head.

I am going to try to articulate to my husband why I need him to stack the glass in the dishwasher. Again. Sigh.

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

I've grown to accept that my DP and I have different ideas about housework. He'd happily live in a pit all week, then do a really massive clean on a Saturday - I'd rather do bits as I go, and relax at the weekend. It's a constant source of frustration and came to a head in the Christmas holidays. He now has set "jobs" as well as the bins/recycling and equal share of cooking, and it's working a bit better, but I still despair at the bread knife being left out in the mornings and the kitchen surfaces being left un-wiped, and I still do the lion's share for the sake of my own sanity.

There's lots here I agree with. Thank goodness I'm not the only one. The most irritating thing DH says to me is 'what do you want me to do'. It drives me nuts and so often I've had the 'I'm not your mother' chat. He has improved but I fucking hate those words.
And I fucking hate hate hate dishes on the draining board. He says 'I washed them'. Washing dishes = washing drying putting away. It's all the one job!!

And totally agree about the headspace. I keep saying the direction of the house is all mine and I'm worn out from it. I think he chooses not to get this. In fairness he does do a fair bit around the house but the direction of it is still all mine. I do know there's a little plenty I do that annoys DH. It's a balance I suppose.

"I don’t care if a glass is sitting by the sink unless guests are coming over.
I will never care about a glass sitting by the sink. Ever. It’s impossible."

Hmm.....well the thing is, it's not that his ex wife literally cared about it either! She probably thought it very uninteresting. Just that sometime it has to go in the dishwasher.

It's just something that adults do.

Otherwise you eventually live in a squalid tip.

Sorry but that blog is a lot of crap - who wants to be married to someone who wants a glass washed every time it's used - fuck that.

I'm an adult in a house I pay for so if I want to leave a glass by the dishwasher it doesn't matter the reason why - I will not be bullied nor do I need pa behaviour to get me to do something YOU want done.

This has nothing to do with respect because respect is a two way street it does not mean I do what you want me to do.

I am suddenly thinking about all the street harassment freds, where a few, tersely spoken posters say things to the effect of: "doesn't bother me - what are you whingey bitches in about?"

For reasons I can't quite the explain...

The jaw-drop moment for me in that article was the bit about telling him something 100s of times doesn't mean he knows it - I've always been very open with DH about the things that make me irritated/sad/angry etc - but although he appears to listen, nothing changes because he doesn't accept my truth.

This is highly disrespectful, something else I have told him, that he also doesn't accept.

This article is perfect for me - but I won't send it to DH because he will pick up on the bits in it that show me in a bad light, not read and understand what it's actually about. And then he'd read the comments and agree with those instead. Shame, really, if only he'd open himself up to the point and content, our marriage could improve hugely. :(

I've not read the linked article yet, I will do in morning though.

I've just started reading Wifework today, I can't remember the exact figures but it says something like three quarters of divorces are initiated by women, and the reasons often stem from wifework.

I'm fascinated, angry, and cottoning on to things I hadn't given much thought to with regards to equality within my marriage. I was thinking of starting a read along/ document changes type thing for anyone to discuss the book and changes they'd like to make, but was worried I'd be on the thread alone. Dh does housework, and I don't have to ask him, but something's like signing dds homework diary is left to me, even though dh is the one who helps her with it. I don't think he's ever signed it, or her reading diary and she's in yr 6 now. Little things like that all add up and take headspace.

Dp does more of the housework and cooking than me, we both work full time, he has ds who is with us about 80% of the time. He decides what to cook, does most of the shopping. Neither of us would text to ask if something needed picking up, we'd know and just get it then text and say "I've got milk" etc.

We do our laundry separately because I need non bio powder and he thinks it doesn't get the clothes clean. So he does his and dss laundry, I do mine.
One morning he was due to give me a lift to the station for work and almost made me late because he decided to put some laundry on before leaving (this is 6am), I was later telling someone at work about how I nearly missed the train and she said "poor bloke [because he was giving me a lift] , any other time you'd be thanking him for doing the laundry for you", she was very confused when I said "it's his laundry, so no, I wouldn't be thanking him".

But the part of the article that rings true for me is the bit about how something doesn't upset him, therefore it shouldn't upset me. Dp says this all the time. I have explained to him how disrespectful and lacking empathy it is.
For example, he bites his nails all the time, sawing at them with his teeth, then clicking at them, then gets a bit in his mouth and clicks it between his teeth. I ask him nicely not to because it drives me mad. He says I am a control freak because I am stopping him doing something (something that is basically anti social and means I don't want to sit in the room with him) and that it doesn't annoy him when I file my nails (which is actually pretty rare, maybe once a month) so it shouldn't annoy me that he bites his.
I totally fail to see his logic.

I will get DP to read it ...we have just had a 'long chat' about the fact I'm not happy...feel like a drudge...and honestly it felt like a waste of time...
As usual he started off with we need a cleaning rota ...obviously I have to write it....
But ime of countless flat shares they don't work. (One or two people will always not do their job for some reason but it is ok because it gets done the next week by someone else. And this happens week after week after week. My best eg when we decided to get a cleaner, one housemate said we didn't need one, house was pretty clean -what needed cleaning? I said the bathroom - he disappeared off and came back a few minutes later and asked where we kept the cleaning stuff - he'd been living there for 2 years...we got a cleaner...).
So I say we don't need a rota - I know it is just going to annoy me - we just need to clean up after ourselves...take pots back into the kitchen, washing in the laundry bin etc.

He says we need a list on the fridge so I can write jobs that need doing - tests a white board marker - it works - but then he picks up a permanent marker by accident to write the names and columns ...it won't come off ...worse then the DCs go mad drawing on the door (with the white board marker) but he picks up some cleaning wipe he has for his car or something to clean it off ...which sets the white board marker in streaks ...it is a fucking mess... maybe I could source a new door or could paint it? .
He made me go through the house and point out what he does (or doesn't do) that annoys me... I ended up showing him all the things I've already shown him...and explaining the recycling bins ....again ....(he leaves rubbish out because he doesn't know where it goes - we have had the same bins and system for 5 years)....then he says he will put the big bins out - I just need to write on the fridge which bins need to go out every week. I give him the bin calendar - he asks me to explain it...read it FFS!
I tell him we should put the bins out at 6am...but I risk doing it about 9pm the evening before. I go round and empty all the bins in the house first. Evening in question I go round collecting all the rubbish, go to put it in the bin to find he put them put in the afternoon and they are already on the street ...so I have to carry it all to the road ...
It is exhausting and demoralising and grrrrrrrrrr......
Maybe reading that blog will make him realise he does have some responsibility and to engage his brain more often....and how I feel when he doesn't...

Dr Seth i once dated someone who had been on his own for 13 years. In his case it was like he was in limbo waiting for someone to micro manage him. I lost count of the times i contributed food (we never lived together but i did spend the odd weekend there) for the fridge and freezer only for him to let the electric meter run out a. because i didnt remind him....b. cos he was as tight as a flys arsehole which was rubber stamped by the way he used to time me in the shower screaming and moaning at me to get out when my allotted 3 mins was up. 7 years he had been in that flat and yet no carpets no washing machine not even a table to eat food off of and yet he was thousands in debt. When i tried to broach some of these problems with him he said "Well the place really needs a womans touch." So i knew he was expecting me to micro manage him. When i found out he had told a lie about something else that rubber stamped it. I ran like shit through a goose.....in the opposite direction.

Oh and he had a thing for calling me babe. I dont mind sweetheart or darling but babe really makes my teeth itch. And despite being happy to let the electric meter run out and fuck up food i had bought he would moan like hell if i couldnt make it and HE had spent money on food.

this is important: Telling a man something that doesn’t make sense to him once, or a million times, doesn’t make him “know” something. Right or wrong, he would never feel hurt if the same situation were reversed so he doesn’t think his wife SHOULD hurt. It’s like, he doesn’t think she has the right to (and then use it as a weapon against him) because it feels unfair.

“I never get upset with you about things you do that I don’t like!” men reason, as if their wives are INTENTIONALLY choosing to feel hurt and miserable.

When you choose to love someone, it becomes your pleasure to do things that enhance their lives and bring you closer together, rather than a chore.

I love your idea Dagger.

Another take would be to make a disrespectful person write a post it note in their best handwriting along the lines of 'I left this XYZ here for the maid to clean up'

We have to ask 'why do some people (mostly men for the purposes of this board and according to the blogger) simply not take what we say, in English, as truth, and why does the narcissistic element ['he would never feel hurt if the same situation were reversed so he doesn’t think his wife SHOULD hurt'] persist into adulthood when it comes to interactions with women? Do men 'not understand' what other men are saying to them?

Thumb, it boils down to wanting to feel right rather than being kind.

MinnyTheMop, No he doesn't and Yes you should.

Adrift, I am not even a messy person, but my now exH used to do this too. Horning in on my racket drove me up the wall. If I had done the chores I set out to do that day, then I hadn't done all the stuff I had left for the next day.

So picture this - on top of all the usual things (dinner prepared, lunch prepared and served, tedious reading homework out of the way, hoovering done and bathroom swiffed clean) the bedding is all washed, dried, and the beds are changed. I have accomplished this despite the attempts of three small children to stop me at every turn, one of whom has spent four hours being breastfed during the day.

ExH comes home and spits nails at the fact that the leaves haven't been raked. Does the leaves at tornado speed. I can almost see the steam rising off him, he is so pissed at me. Thanks exH, for letting me know how inadequate I am at getting every singly bloody thing done all day every single day of my life. The forecast for tonight is gusts up to 40 mph so I will just do the leaves again tomorrow.

I felt great when all of that was finally over.

stealtheatingtunnocks I feel your wrath. I feel your pain.

Yes of course I like nothing more than spending my time hiding things in fridges, drawers and cupboards so that I can watch a adult male hunt for his dinner . Do you get a little shake of the head with each sigh? That's usually when I leave the room without comment. I refuse to waste my breath answering unless it's a genuine question, and those are few and far between. My sanity is paramount, I do find that humming to myself helps.
Personally I blame my MIL. And if I had a DS I would be making damn sure that the I'm-too-lazy-to-think-for-myself trait stops right there.

Mine spent a long time living on his own too - in fact, he'd always lived alone until we got married. So, it was all a bit Sleeping With The Enemy in his flat - everything had a place and a particular angle, he bought the same food every week because he ate the same stuff on a rota. His flat was immaculate. I used to drive him nuts because I'd leave doors at "the wrong angle" and other crimes.

Obviously, at the time, I thought that was quirky and adorable.

How did Mr Make The Labels All Face The Same Direction turn into Mr Fuck It That'll Do?

I suspect it's just that he's the breadwinner. He feels entitled.

It's not quirky and adorable.

"Personally I blame my MIL. And if I had a DS I would be making damn sure that the I'm-too-lazy-to-think-for-myself trait stops right there."

Me too - and I do have 2 DSs, who will indeed be taught to think for themselves and will not leave home until they are self sufficient, which they will be before they're 18

Absolutely, Ample - the next generation are our only hope.

My sons are not leaving this house thinking that a woman will do it.

I've got a master plan, anyway. When they are old enough I will share with them that the secret to getting blowjobs is to empty the dishwasher without being asked.

That'll motivate them.

might motivate them ... once they've died of embarassment at their mum saying that, stealth :D

"I've got a master plan, anyway. When they are old enough I will share with them that the secret to getting blowjobs is to empty the dishwasher without being asked."

Sorry- having sense of humor failure. You are joking, aren't you?

"Personally I blame my MIL"

Sorry- possible further sense of humor failure- but you're blaming another woman for a man being useless???????

This blog should be printed on the back of marriage certificates.

Do you think it would be too much to print it out and stick it on the fridge?

The blog and this thread are fascinating. I have realised how tough it must have been for my mum when I was growing up. She had a partner that would do things if asked, but most of the ' Headspace' organisation, even diy, was down to her. I am a clutterer and dh is not so he gets quite frustrated when I don't deal with it. But neither of us are good at cleaning. I had a total meltdown at him while pregnant as the sink was filthy and I realised that I would have to be the one that cleaned it as he had never cleaned it. He did a big clean afterwards,and has done again since (not that often though). I do feel that ad a woman you get judged on the state of your house, so I feel that it must be cleaned when people come round etc. He doesn't give a stuff what people think, probably because he doesn't feel judged on it. I do think our upbringing has a big impact, cleaning was never a priority in our house but I remember big cleaning sprees before grandparents etc came to visit, I fall into the same pattern. What really helps me with headspace is regular planning meetings with dh. We talk about upcoming schedules, finances and jobs that need doing, and allocate them between us. It means we are on the same page about what the other is doing and what needs to be done. Saying that all admin around our daughter eg buying highchair, research on how to wean etc is done by me. If I read a book on some aspect of birth or child rearing he is not interested in reading it and I don't get why, surely both parents should lead about this stuff? He says that as I am good at research he is happy to get the edited highlights from me/ is too busy with work. But that basically means all the decisions about our child's upbringing are taken by me and I don't feel it's fair to have all that responsibility. I am well aware though that I am in a much better position than many posters however in having a dh who will listen and mostly tries hard to be a supportive partner. I was going to write 'lucky' I'm having then but then thought no luck has nothing to do with it, everyone should have the right to have a supportive partner.

I'm an adult in a house I pay for so if I want to leave a glass by the dishwasher it doesn't matter the reason why - I will not be bullied nor do I need pa behaviour to get me to do something YOU want done.

peggy are you the one who fills the dishwasher at the end of the day though? If so and the clutter genuinely doesn't get in anyone's way (it would in my house as limited worktop space) then to me that attitude is fair enough, you are simply choosing when you will be doing a certain job not leaving it for others to do for you. I would bet in most cases though that the offending party is actively leaving the glasses or whatever for someone else to clear away for them. This is the problem, it's not the same as dictating how someone does their own tidying.