this hit home - bloke's blog

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

This is exactly what is wrong in my marriage.

Hadn't realised there was a nail, let alone that it needed hitting on it's head.

I am going to try to articulate to my husband why I need him to stack the glass in the dishwasher. Again. Sigh.

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

I showed bits of this to my DH the other day.

I'm a SAHM now. We've got two DC and a third on the way. Generally, we have agreed that I do most of the household stuff during the week (the bits I can) and we share it at the weekend (although I do the laundry because I'm very fussy about how it's folded).

He's very good at taking care of our children when I need a break, but I still need to tell him when the house needs to be vacuumed (I can't do it) or the lawns mown. I need to remind him what kind of baths the children have on which night, and whether they need clean pyjamas. He'll cook when I can't, but like others above, I have to tell him what to make.

In some ways it's not his fault. He was never taught how to do household things. He went to boarding school and his parents did everything when he came home, including making all of his cups of tea, etc. And then at university his student rooms had a bedder to look after them.

When he moved up here after university I taught him how to do the cleaning etc in his flat, and he taught himself how to cook.

But we've now been married for nearly 8 years and I still have that same issue regarding having to tell him what needs to be done and how to do it. I can't remember how many times I've said I'd like him to step up and just do stuff. Every now and then it happens.

So I showed him the bit about wanting to be his partner, not his mother, and I think it maybe finally got through to him. We'll see.

Sorry for the novel.

There are a number of references in that blog about how men don't change after marriage. Most women HAVE to change significantly after children come along. If the man is steadfastly refusing to evolve he becomes part of the children/household management. Which pretty much kills off any sexual desire and the rest is finished off by the woman being utterly exhausted.

Lack of sex drive after children is a common problem, I wonder how much of it could be solved by men pulling their weight.

Werks....I see what you mean. Maybe it's just easier for me to say certain things because my DP is fairly good.

We meal plan and grocery shop together. He is in charge of 'floors' and bins when we do the weekly big clean. Dishes and laundry are shared - I do more dishes (piles of dishes get on my nerves but not his), he does more laundry (I have tonnes of clothes compared to him so he is usually more desperate than I am).

What I end up doing more of are things he would never even consider: cleaning out the fridge, wiping down the kitchen and bathroom surfaces between weekly cleans, wiping down the front of cupboards, etc.

This just came up in my FB feed...

P just came back from a 2 day jolly, didn't say Hello, dumped his things on a chair in the living room & went a lay on the sofa. I said Hello etc, no reply... I asked him to sort out his shit (exact words) he didn't move, I asked again, as I was visibly clearing up & hoovering. He said, its not dirty, I said, well dumped in the main room is not where it should be. Nothing
I lobbed the bag into the junk room......
Yes I should have left years ago.

This is brilliant. What a great post.

got as far as

I always reasoned: “If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.”

since when does a grown man need to be told to put a dirty cup in the dishwasher? my teen knows where they go my 7 year old can actually do it (and he is a boy) even my three year old is trying so why does a "man" need to be asked/told

im not reading anymore of the self pity drivel if you have reached the age of majority and reason you can take responsibility and not expect your life partner to clean up after you

the cup doesn't mean a lot to me the fact that he thinks it's my job does

haha wonder how many mners have shared this on their fb

I have

abby the cup doesn't mean a lot to me the fact that he thinks it's my job does - yes that's pretty much what the post said. Cup doesn't matter - the fact that it matters to your partner, that matters.

abbs if you read further than that you'd see the point of that bit!

stumbly omg yes. It's all the little things like cleaning the fecking oven and the fridge and sorting through cupboards. And then when he does do it he makes such a meal of it. Remember a female stand up comedian saying years ago about how when she did the hoovering, she just did the bare minimum, and when men do it, they start moving all the bloody furniture out into the garden!

It describes my marriage perfectly - just shown my husband the article, walked off to check our boys are asleep, only to have him shout "God this article is really long!!"
FFS. Unbelievable! The wanker can't even be bothered to read the whole article - MISSED THE POINT A BIT THERE I THINK

i have the opposite problem.

Dh is the tidy freak, i am the messy person.

Quite frankly i'm more likely to leave him because he interferes in my fucking housework routine, does jobs i dont want doing, then bitches at me that he can't do a full time job AND my housework.

WELL DONT FUCKING DO IT THEN. LEAVE IT THE FUCK ALONE.

i will do it when i am good and fucking ready to do it.

He disrespects me by doing my job and then implying i'm incapable/lazy.

Part of the "wifework" problem is not just actually doing the wifework, but having to think about the wifework.

Absolutely.

I read the blog, talk about nail on head! Passed it to dh. He read it, laughing out loud as he went. It's satire innit he said, yeah its very funny. Caught me scowling at him and said, Well its not serious is it? Did.Not.Get.It.At.All.

I am so fucking pissed off with him now, I wish I hadn't bothered.

I told my dh about it. He told me to write down everything he does wrong and what he should be doing ...

.

It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this,” and then take care of whatever needs taken care of.

It's true. I don't want to be his mother. I hate doing all the thinking for him. We're equals. Great blog post.

I feel like crying reading that blog post

It sums up my life.

I do the school run each morning and dh who is retired, gets up and has a long hot bath. The place needs a tidy and the dishes need doing when I leave. When I arrive home the place remains a mess and he is in the bath reading a book and drinking tea

This happens day after day after day. I object of course, but nothing really changes. He has no respect for me does he?

Dh doesn't work and I work part time and am the breadwinner. I keep on top of the housework but it's hard sometimes and I feel used and miserable.

We have sex about twice a year and I hate him. All for the sake of mucking in and getting the work done

I should probably leave or something.

Exactly the same here, raging at husband's dismissive attitude to said article?

Ok point taken on this article - and I had an ex who was hellishly lazy despite we laying it on with a trowel so I get the pain BUT in real life quite a few people who complain about their partner being like this have unilaterally imposed very very high housework standards and then expect these to be followed. There's a difference between jobs that have to be done (bins out/washing up) and ones that don't quite so much (frequent hoovering/dusting/every meal cooked from scratch) and I do think these standards should be agreed rather than imposed. Other you are infantilising someone in one breath then blaming them for being childish the next

Like I have a friend who is cross her DH won't iron the sheets but personally I've never ironed in my life and I'm a-ok

Yes Minny I think you should. You post is so sad. Your life would probably be easier without him there, one less person to pick up after. Have you thought about getting him to read it?

DP will say 'no one cares' when I am speaking about something that needs to be done for the umpteenth friggen time
The point he never seems to get is that I care. And because I care, perhaps if he really loved me, he would want to make me happy because having abc done would make me happy.
It's not rocket science but it is a case of different standards. I know that now. Which is probably why we are gradually living separate lives

The equivalent to 'Fuck you Sally' in our house is 'This job is beneath me' - and can be applied to man/teenager doing the dishes but leaving the sink clagged up, or filling the bin to overflowing rather than emptying it, etc. Basically that's what the scivvy, ie. me, is there for.

They get very offended when I point out they must think those jobs are beneath them...they 'just didn't think' - implying their great minds are on higher things. And writing a list doesn't work - they didn't see it...I recently started writing a list then on a seperate piece of paper writing LIST ---> in marker pen.

I will NOT give up.

TBH my lot are quite well trained but if they lapse I throw them a print out of Austerity Housekeeping and tell them to fucking well get sorted. I then bugger off for a bit, and invariably they do.

I think it's about balance and appreciating that women are not born with an innate ability to do all this stuff, we bother to learn it. And if they respect women, they need to join in with that too.

Sometimes this means going along with high standards that you might not agree with, but that needs to be balanced by the other half of the relationship humouring some of your quirks as well.

Has anyone found that the more money their DP earns, the less housework they do ? Or is it just mine ?
Going back a few years my DP did far more housework and it was much more equal - but as his earnings have risen he seems to do less and less. The dish thing is a sure pointer of this too.
Maybe its just my crackpot theory though. He works full time and I work part-ime, but its only since his income has risen (mine will never) that this attitute seems to have hit.