Why would anyone become the OW?

[StillAgainstTheWind]

I am mystified as to why any woman would knowingly become the OW.

My friend's marriage was destroyed by her DH's affair last year. Why would any woman choose to sleep with a married man especially one with children?

Statiscally I imagine those affairs that end in a happy, faithful marriage between the affair partners are a tiny minority.

Getting a shag from a single bloke isn't fucking difficult. If a woman is just after sex there's plenty of options other than a married man.

And if it's the soulmates bullshit, well it takes a lot of fucking steps to get to the point of feeling that way.

The reality for most is, I would guess, a snatched hour or two of furtive fucking. Lots of time waiting around for a call or text. Being let down at the last minute.

Why would anyone settle for so little? You hear of women who wait years for the man to leave and he never does. Their whole life on hold waiting for an event that doesn't happen.

How is it justified by OW morally. The man is the one who made the vows I guess?

My friend's husband was a knob anyway and was thinking with his dick. But he didn't make the OW any promises and months later I can't see the appeal for her.

Probably.
But again that wasn't my concern or my business.

why I took the time to reply to this thread was to point out an "OW" isn't always a person looking to "steal your man".

Her reasons aren't necessarily because she is desperate or devious, or scheming, or obsessed, or hoping this man in a relationship will leave his P.

Sometimes its just about having unattached, no strings, reliable good sex, with a sexy person. Sometimes it's just because it's easy.

that makes it sound worse

yuk

I think most people could (eventually at least) come to terms with their OH having their head turned by someone they fell in love with, that loved them back

but to break your vows (or assist someone else in breaking them) for something "easy" is a complete and utter punch in the guts amd makes a complete mockery of marriage vows

why get married ? Why make promises to someone ? What is the point ?

for the record, I don't go along with the "manstealing" shit

no one can "steal my man". I would happily wave him off if someone wants him and he wants a go elsewhere

FellOutOfBedTwice

You were abused as a 16 year old by your teacher. There is no way that a teacher should have had sex with a teen who had a crush on him. He used you for sex. Many men will gladly have sex with a willing 16 year old given the opportunity. I don't think FellOutOfBedTwice is the OW in the sense the op means on the thread.

Relationships have several stages. There the lust romantic stage which is great fun, and the more boring mundane living together stage. Some people are addicted to the lust phase of a relationship.

Adultery is primary the fault of the married person. Sometimes the OW doesn't know he is married.

I think if you want genuine replies you don't post such an emotional one sided thread starter. I think you just want a rant though and aren't really interested in answers to your question.
Women leave marriages for other men as well.
Sometimes marriages are less than rosy, sometimes people are less than saintly.

Not always about sex though - some OW just steal OH for an emotional affair and financial security. OW massages the OH's ego and they will do anything deceitful to the W....until they got found out & OH got kicked out! Bingo - OW gets what she wants...a man and a meal tickets for her and her kids. H will make sure the W gets nothing so he will enjoy great life style with OW....
This happens....unfortunately!

Some OW would be horrified if the man started making noises about leaving his wife - they pick married men because it can never turn into anything more. And people have various reasons for that - low self-esteem (why would anyone actually want a proper relationship with them), their own situation (want a pseudo-relationship, but maybe have children and don't want to risk anything) etc I'm not justifying it - but not every OW is determined to "steal" someone else's husband.

My friend (flat mate at the time) was OW for a time. Went on for at least a year. Man involved had no children. She doesn't have particularly low self esteem and definitely would have said (prior) that she'd never do it. He was a singer and "woo'd" her with the excitement/the angst he felt/the emotion and drama.
Sometime after it finished and he remained married she admitted how wrong it was/regretted it.
Was hard to understand even seeing it fairly close up. He came across as a twat to me and there was no fun that I could see, just drama, and no future in it.

They either don't know or they don't care

Of course they don't care - they see someone else having something good, they want a piece of that so just help themselves. Men are stupid enough to fall for their sympathy seeking, ego boosting ways to worm their way in, and men think they are heroes saving the poor long suffering OWs

A friend of mine has been OW for several years. Suits her. They go out for dinner go away to nice hotels have (by all accounts) great sex & she wants no.more from.him than that.

He's never said he'll leave his wife and she'd be horrified if he did

She has no desire to live with him but likes the 'fun' parts of their relationship

I've known women begin seeing a guy, fall for him, THEN find out he's married and carry in regardless.

Sometimes because he gives the 'I'll leave her 'spiel,sometimes because they're just too deep in, by then. Or both.

I'm finding it really hard to read some of these posts. I hate the justification of 'he was the one that made vows, not me, I owed his wife nothing' or 'it's just sex, no one's getting hurt'.

Do we not owe all fellow people basic kindness and decent behaviour?

It's an emotive subject for me given my dad's behaviour as I've said already. But given the devastation it's caused my mum, me, my sister, platitudes such as 'not my responsibility' or 'he was married to the wrong person initially' are just such awful things to say.

It costs NOTHING to not treat people like shit.

Women generally have relationships with married men for 2 main reasons:

1. They're not looking for a serious relationship, and just want to enjoy sex with someone they have strong chemistry with.

1. They develop feelings for a married man and hope (or are told) his marriage is on its last legs.

Those in the first group have no interest in their partner's relationship status. They don't feel 'second best' or 'a bit on the side'. The relationship is usually on their terms, and they end it when something better comes along. The 'low self esteem' mantra doesn't apply here.

The second group often feels in competition with the wife, because they are. Most married men in this scenario only leave their marriage when they are pushed out. If he wanted to leave, he would do it before all hell broke loose.

good question. no idea.

I could never do it because I'd be thinking of that guy's poor wife, and therefore it makes me think to some extent it requires a real lack of empathy, respect for the other woman, and moral judgement to sleep with a married man.

My ex had a married OW, so he was an OM himself. I don't think he thought of himself that way, though, as the OW was living away from her husband "temporarily" while she got a qualification. The husband didn't really exist to him. It was convenient to forget him. And of course it wasn't really a "proper" marriage as of course they had drifted apart.

Meanwhile, "my" OW was enjoying the flirting, feeling like the forbidden fruit, rolling about on the back seat of a car with tinted windows, stopping to smooch in the woods. A real-life Romeo and Juliet who Could Not Be Together. Romantic! My husband was of course only still with me because he was a doting dad who cared about his kids, awwww.

Her husband found out and so did I. So now the two of them are together forever, as Rick Astley so aptly put it.

Some of the 'justifications' boggle me (lucky upthread in particular).

Okay it's 'just sex' or 'discreet' - OW is still taking time, focus and money (?) away from existing family.

Also wouldn't have shagged if there were kids (living together but not married is one I've seen on other threads as an excuse) is just pathetic. Kids complicate any divorce for sure, but I'm afraid as OW you don't get to judge how committed the guys poor wife thinks they are, or how much hurt it will cause. 'I wouldn't be OW to a guy with kids' doesn't suddenly make you look any more moral

When my dh was younger, he was at a party. (we were married, he was out with his male school friends, they were about 25yo at the time).

A woman came up to dh and started undoing the belt on his jeans. Dh was standing with a male friend. Dh said to the woman, sorry I'm married. The woman said "don't worry I won't tell anybody" and carried on undoing his belt . So dh told her no. She then walked away and dh's mate said to him "what did you do that for?"

Another time at a conference, a female colleague knocked on dh's door. It was the week before our wedding, colleague knew this. She actually said to him "hey, fancy a night with me before getting married to purple, it'll be our secret?" He declined.

Both these women were more than happy to knowingly become an OW.

Dh never took up these opportunities. However, a decade later when we had a baby and a toddler, he got into a relationship with a (different) work colleague. This time, she did not make the offer, dh pursued her. He said the general bull that married men say, oh our marriage is dead, it was your classic "wife tending to babies, not me" sort of scenario. The irony was that this OW who took up dh's offer had already cheated on her own dh (with whom she had a dc) and what I really couldn't understand is why she would have any part in setting me up for a divorce with 2 little kids when she knew how awful it is . Plus she already had a new fiancé when she began shagging my dh. .

All I can conclude is that there are a lot of shit people around, male and female.

Actually, after reading this thread I despair.

It makes me laugh, not in a humorous way, when people talk of affairs never being found out. I just find it incredible - how would you not put the pieces together unless you had an inclination not to? Playing away always casts a 'ghost' of itself somewhere once you look, regardless of anybody's efforts at concealment.

You might think your relationship is watertight yet it seems nobody is safe from anything their OH wants to do and decides to do it because you can never really know what someone else is thinking or planning. Trust might just be an illusion, with only hindsight to validate it. What's the point of it all?

You might think your relationship is watertight yet it seems nobody is safe from anything their OH wants to do and decides to do it because you can never really know what someone else is thinking or planning.

Unfortunately, that is true.

You can believe your partner will always be faithful, but you can never know it for sure.

AF bang on. Why the fuck say vows if you break them for meaningless sex. As for OW who do it for sex. Just why? There's lots of single blokes up for FWB or ONS.

Some of the justification posted is horrid. The whole 'I don't give a fuck, not my problem' attitude. My friend's life has fallen apart due to her 'D'Hs desire for meaningless sex. Not meaningless to my friend.

I think another problem is the fact that nowadays nobody seems to give a shit about marriage and the vows it encompasses - they just want the day.

I've never been married and tbh most of the folk I know that are married are stabbing each other in the back, right left and centre, it's just horrible so although I do believe in marriage, it seems to make people cheat more, rather than less, in my experience anyway.

IME, and the experience of my friends, it is VERY rare for a woman to be the Predator.

Married men often prey on women that they know are extremely vulnerable. Women who are freshly separated/divorced and a bit upset, or, worse still, a bit temporarily unstable.

When I went through my divorce, I was propositioned by married men. In one case, the very day a married male friend found out I had left my ExH, he started bombarding me with texts, asking me if I wanted to hang out with him, in his house, when his wife was at work, and how we could have sex etc. WTAF? Obviously, I declined. I do know though, that he had another freshly divorced woman there. Someone who was reeling from a betrayal of her own.

When a woman is at an all time low, I can see how kind words from another person, would catch you out when your guard is down. We are all only human. Not excusable of course.

When I was in my 20's, my ExH and I were part of a group of 4 married couples who socialised together every weekend. We also went away together for weekends and holidays. We were close friends for several years. The 4 wives were blissfully happy, making lovely homes and starting to have babies. Depressing as this is, NOT ONE of these husbands was faithful. Obviously, us wives never had a clue at the time, but over the years, the truth has been gradually revealed. 3 couples split (I left). One wife chose to forgive. How fucking depressing is that?

Anyway, I suppose my point is, that when a wife that is cheated on, she often blames the OW. The easiest thing to think, is that the OW was Predatory and caught her DH off guard. This, is utter bollocks. It's far more likely that her DH saw a woman who was in a low place and decided to pursue. No-one wants to think that though, do they?

The blame lies with the DH, not the OW. Maybe with them both. But the DH made his vows with his wife.