Why would anyone become the OW?

[StillAgainstTheWind]

I am mystified as to why any woman would knowingly become the OW.

My friend's marriage was destroyed by her DH's affair last year. Why would any woman choose to sleep with a married man especially one with children?

Statiscally I imagine those affairs that end in a happy, faithful marriage between the affair partners are a tiny minority.

Getting a shag from a single bloke isn't fucking difficult. If a woman is just after sex there's plenty of options other than a married man.

And if it's the soulmates bullshit, well it takes a lot of fucking steps to get to the point of feeling that way.

The reality for most is, I would guess, a snatched hour or two of furtive fucking. Lots of time waiting around for a call or text. Being let down at the last minute.

Why would anyone settle for so little? You hear of women who wait years for the man to leave and he never does. Their whole life on hold waiting for an event that doesn't happen.

How is it justified by OW morally. The man is the one who made the vows I guess?

My friend's husband was a knob anyway and was thinking with his dick. But he didn't make the OW any promises and months later I can't see the appeal for her.

Because some women (and people generally) really are just horrible and selfish. They know the man is married and has children but they don't care. They want the man and the trappings he brings, and they go out their way to get it.

Lots of reasons but I imagine it's not a decision that's taken lightly.

Lol at people saying 'there are plenty of single men'. I don't think it feels like that to many single women, especially age 35 plus. I was single for years and struggled to meet someone until I did online dating.

I'm going to take the bait here. I was an OW- and my kind of mitigating circumstances now are that I was very young when it started (16) and he was my teacher- but I did know he was married and I slept with him and had a relationship with him for a couple of years. I wasn't entirely blameless. But my rationale was- a) I really loved him, was head over heels for him b) he told me he was miserable in his marriage and had never been in love til he met me c) I was naive enough to take both a) and b) as reason enough to have an affair.

Looking back I laugh at how deluded I was and am pretty certain I wouldn't be that deluded now. Also, in my thirties, I have the life experience to know that getting swept up etc isn't always a great idea. But perhaps there are women in their 20s and 30s who believe a) and b) above just as much as a 16 year old- be it because they're naive, don't have much experience or because they're a but dim.

It certainly wasn't a self asteem issue for me. I've never been low on that and wasn't then.

No it isn't always the case, my friend is married and shags other married men. It's just illicit, thrilling sex on her part as she finds her DH boring and unattractive in the bedroom. She does entertain me with with tales of her latest conquests as I would never contemplate doing the same being too knackered with a 50 hour working week and commute plus 2 kids.

^ does the husband now. If I was her friend, I'd find that so awkward!

*know

I was an OW for a while. I had zero interest in him leaving his wife. We had a physical connection. I'm not proud of it but I don't regret it either. She never found out about me, I got lots of excellent quality no strings sex, and when I was done and found a partner that I wanted to be with properly we had a chat and stopped fooling around.

I have excellent self esteem and what he gave me served my needs at the time. Purely selfish.

I have known women who get a thrill out of, as another poster mentioned, being too 'desirable' for a married man to resist. I have also known a married woman who basically wanted no-strings fun and decided a married man would be a 'safer' bet. Both wanting the same things I suppose.

I could never do it to another woman personally

Seems to be an assumption that the OW herself is single. In my experience that's often not the case.

^ mine too

Sometimes they have low self-esteem and there's nothing quite so appealing as a someone's else's relationship, particularly if you think you can have it for yourself.

I'm firmly in the "not happy then leave" boat but amongst the people I know it has generally been that both partners have been married, have generally "good" marriages and don't want to leave, both just after a different connection and a bit of titilation on the side. Married men less likely to tell, safety in that both are in the same boat etc.

Lady, you sure are selfish, no doubt about that, devoid of a conscience too I'd imagine.

You're just like the OW that sent my mum into a mental breakdown cos she had the exact same attitude as you - she used my dad and didn't give a fuck about my mum or the five kids - so glad I am not like this.

Not at all Jan. I have a conscience. But in this particular instance, at that particular time, it was what happened. I would have drawn a line if he had kids. He didn't. So it's not right but it could've been worse. It was also ten years ago nice changed a lot since then. For a start I'm married and have a family. I can appreciate what that truly means now.

All just excuses I'm afraid, when you got to the point of him entering your body, that's when you lose any credibility as far as I am concerned.

There's something decidedly icky about any person sharing another's woman's cock iykwim..........and you say you wouldn't have gone there if he had kids - so it was alright to hurt the wife but not the kids - that makes no sense to me, and tbh, I don't even believe you.

Statiscally I imagine those affairs that end in a happy, faithful marriage between the affair partners are a tiny minority.

I have no idea about the statistics, I know there are plenty of serial adulterers who treat it like some sort of ego-boosting hobby but I also have known many, many couples who are married or in long term committed relationships, have children etc., who first came together as the result of one of both of them having an extra-marital affair. My DH and I are one such couple and we've been married for 25 years.

Sometimes people just marry the wrong people first time around.

Jan what don't you believe. You sound very bitter. The OP asked why people do it. I explained what happened with me. You seem to have taken personal offence. But I seriously doubt you were the guys other half.

Surely some OW don't see a married man as a bigger conquest and believe it proves how attractive they are if they can tempt a married man into bed. Did I read it right? Staggering.

Referring to 'another woman's cock' is beyond icky. I love my DP but I don't own him, and I certainly don't own his cock.

What he chooses to do with it is entirely his lookout, I don't expect other women to police him for me.

Just out of Interest lady and I'm not criticising or anything as these things happen in life but what would you do if your Husband had an affair now with say a younger single woman? Would it be a case of well these things happen or would he be out on his ear because he was the one who broke his vows? If the latter, Would all your anger would be at him rather than the OW?

Lady, I don't believe you wouldn't have taken up with him if he had had kids - I am not bitter at all, bitter about what, women who think it's alright to shag another woman's man - disgusted, not bitter but each to their own, you're happy with it so all is good.

Morris, you've not understood my point, never mind.

I knew someone who had a series of relationships with married or attached men. My own cod-psychology theory is that deep down she did not feel 'good enough' to deserve someone to herself.

However, I can't get past the fact that someone would act out their own neurosis in a way that is harmful to other people beside herself.

If my H felt he needed more than I could give from our sex life I'd want him to talk to me. I could live with him having just sex with someone else as long as it was upfront and I knew. It's an emotional relationship that would be a betrayal.

Sex and live are separable to me. If he needed that I'd hope he'd talk to me. I'd be more likely to forgive a secret shag than an emotional affair by text or email to be honest.

What was your point then, Jan?