Why would anyone become the OW?

[StillAgainstTheWind]

I am mystified as to why any woman would knowingly become the OW.

My friend's marriage was destroyed by her DH's affair last year. Why would any woman choose to sleep with a married man especially one with children?

Statiscally I imagine those affairs that end in a happy, faithful marriage between the affair partners are a tiny minority.

Getting a shag from a single bloke isn't fucking difficult. If a woman is just after sex there's plenty of options other than a married man.

And if it's the soulmates bullshit, well it takes a lot of fucking steps to get to the point of feeling that way.

The reality for most is, I would guess, a snatched hour or two of furtive fucking. Lots of time waiting around for a call or text. Being let down at the last minute.

Why would anyone settle for so little? You hear of women who wait years for the man to leave and he never does. Their whole life on hold waiting for an event that doesn't happen.

How is it justified by OW morally. The man is the one who made the vows I guess?

My friend's husband was a knob anyway and was thinking with his dick. But he didn't make the OW any promises and months later I can't see the appeal for her.

it doesn't matter whether the spouse ever finds out or not

the relationship is still damaged

if only by the contempt that the cheater must have to develop for their partner in order to dupe them in this way

if that isn't "damage" I don't know what is

I am sensing some justification going on here, isitanaffair

your name might also be a clue

Availability. Because he's there. Because he's willing and able. Because he won't get in the way of the rest of life.

I agree with ''isitanaffair''.

Also, although I didn't have sex with that man, I think another consideration was that not having had children at that point, I really had no comprehension of the sacrifices his wife would have made for him. I just didn't understand the family unit, the dynamics, the economics, the investments in to it.

From what I can make out, my H's OW is basically a dirty slag with no standards. Up for anything & offering herself on a plate. Probably grabbing attention where she can.

I'm sorry, you probably wanted a more sophisticated answer.

Are you staying with your husband, Santa ?

I only found out about the affair 48 hours ago, but no, I'm 95% sure he won't be coming back.

Actually, yes reading those two posts together moves it up to 99.9% again!

If I did take him back, I'd be taking back someone who put the woman described above before me & 20 years of marriage.

What an idiot that would make me.

well, it would make you someone who called the OW a slag and forgave your husband for equally disgusting behaviour

early days for you though

My friend was an ow, (yes it was really my friend) she came to me for advice when it all went tit's up and he went back to his wife and children.
She honestly thought he was the one for her when in fact they had had a few seedy meet ups in hotels, he had promised her the world and then went back to his family. My friend was devastated I found it really hard to offer support or a shoulder to cry on because all I wanted to do was say you got what you deserved. Terrible, I know.
The thing is she seemed to have everything fabulous friends family, beautiful, great social life etc. So I always wondered why when she had so much opportunity to meet men she would go for a married one and a family friend at that. So it was extremely messy.
I love her dearly but haven't looked at her the same since. She is now married (to someone else) so might have an idea of what his wife went through.

Yes, very true. He is a slag too - any many other things besides. I do blame him, he's the one that cheated on me. Yeah, she wasn't innocent by any means, but she wasn't the one who stood next to me in a suit & said "forsaking all others".

Yes, early days. I'll stop now before I derail the OP's thread!

Take care, Santa x

I think a lot of people don't know how they would react in a situation until it presented itself. In my early 20s there were a couple of guys I dated (using the term loosely) that were definitely hiding something and now I look back I think one was definitely married. I was young and a bit naive and it was very shortlived. After this I always assumed I would be the sort of person that would fall for a bad chat up line. Recently though I was chatted up properly and my reaction was embarrassment (I was a bit curious after the event).

I think my point is that there isn't necessarily a type of person who does it - it is more the time of your life when someone might be vulnerable.

As a last point I bet there are loads of women on here who have at least been tempted, even in a relatively happy relationship, they just won't admit to it.

Thank you AF.

Only thinking about your own needs. Being selfish basically.

I agree.

In DH exW case so much so that she puts men before her own DC, hence why the are now living with us full time

Firstly, apologies but I have not read the thread only your OP - I just wanted to give my gut answer before reading.

I found out in 2011 (after 10 yrs of marriage) that my husband has been seeing someone else for the past 6 yrs. it started not long after our youngest was born, and continued as long distance emotional with snatched physical when we moved away about a year after it started.
When I found out, we split for app 6 months, attended marriage counselling etc and agreed to give out marriage a second chance (he had finished with OW as soon as I found out about it).

Last summer, I found out that they were together again and had only in fact stopped seeing each other for a couple of months back in 2011/12.
We are now in the process of divorcing and they are still together.

I believe that from my husband's side, it was the fact that he 'felt sidelined' after the baby was born , and she was available, undemanding, adoring, ego massaging and willing to play second fiddle.
From her side I believe that she has shockingly low self esteem and self worth and she appears to be the type that defines herself by her relationship status (i.e. feeling that she is worth 'more' with a man, especially as she was 'desired' more than his wife).

I truly believe now that if she had not been so readily available to him that there would have been more than just her tbh.

I did actually speak to her on the phone 3 weeks after finding out, I asked her why and she said she owed me and the kids nothing, including why she had carried it on. She said that he had always loved her and never me and that I needed to "stop playing the victim and move on".
My husband said he carried it on mostly because it was habit.

I obviously blame my husband 100% for his actions, but as an adult woman she is also responsible for her own actions - she knew from the very start that he was married with a toddler and a new baby.

She doesn't figure in my head at all now, she's nothing to me and I honestly couldn't give a rats ass about their relationship, but I am still bewildered as to how someone can be so lacking in any sort of self respect or compassion/empathy/sympathy and so unbelievably self absorbed.

My (STBX) husband is a good man in many ways, but is also clearly a very selfish and self serving person, with a very inflated sense of entitlement.

I think your reasons are spot on.

I dontvhave to justify myself either but i can lookbback and identify the loneliness and low self esteem that put me in the path of cheaters. Also perhaps yes, intimacy issues.. good sinxere men scared me

This isn't really a good place to try and debate in generalities, because it is a support forum for people going through some horrendous crap. So quite rightly the 'other side of the story' isn't really dwelt on.

I'm married and even though we get on well and in general are happy, we had no physical relationship for over 3 years. There was no real reason for it and my wife just didn't want to discuss it. She didn't want to split up, and I didn't want to put my physical wants above the family life for my kids (if we were arguing or there was an unpleasant atmosphere I would have thought differently).

But that doesn't mean it's easy. I got chatting to a woman online who was in a similar position. She wanted something she wasn't getting at home bit didn't want to split up her family. We came very close to meeting up for sex, and it would have been relatively easy to do with no one knowing, but I decided I couldn't. I'm not saying this to illustrate how great I am. The 'right' thing to do would have been to not put myself in that position, or split up with my wife. But there are no easy decisions. Life is crap sometimes, and people make bad choices as a result.

For the same reasons someone might become the OM, I suppose.

They might fall in love?
They might fancy the person a lot?
They might not consider it their moral responsibility to stop their affair partner betraying his/her own wedding vows?
They might take a spiteful pleasure in wrecking marriages?

The possibilities are as endless as the people involved. It isn't true to say that it never works out for people. I have numerous friends and close family members who were the OM/OW, who are now happily married to their (then) affair partner. They aren't all universally hated. I guess one has to judge each situation on its own individual merits.

My experience was very much like Lady's

I had FWB who was very hot and we got on very well. Lots of laughs and great sex. I had no interest at all in a more committed relationship with him (or anybody else at that time for that matter). In fact even if he wanted more of a relationship with me I wouldn't have wanted that - I know for a fact he's a cheater for goodness sakes.

He wasn't married but I think in LTR. It really wasn't any of my business- it was his business. I didn't make any promises to his P, and I didn't know anything about their relationship, nor did I want to know anything.

He came around, fixed stuff for me from time to time, and we shagged and had a laugh. Good fun. I never cooked for him, or did anything domestic. And he went home in the wee hours.

As far as I was concerned that was perfect. I didn't want to go out and find a different person for sex if I felt horny. I wanted good sex with someone I knew I would have good sex with. Just took a text. And the rest of the time I like my own company and had a very busy active life. There was no thrill, or chase or feeling I was getting one over anyone at all.

When I did embark on a relationship I stopped sleeping with FWB. It's not my style to shag around on a P of mine. Once I became single again, he was there if I wanted him. He did have a child with his P about 12 years ago and I stopped sleeping with him. We still keep in touch.

Nothing exciting, nothing mysterious, certainly no cloak and dagger on my part. Picking up people in bars or clubs has never been for me and this was an easy reliable way to have good sex with a friend while I was single.

I do think there are lots of people who have similar liaisons.

Do I think his relationship with his P is damaged? For sure. Her P has never been, and probably never will be, a faithful man so it has probably always be damaged.

and if it wasn't you, it would be someone else... ?

Bingo

I think I have slept with someone who had a long term GF. I'd known him on and off and they had broken up before. I think they had got back together bu he told me she was still his ex. He made it clear he was single.

I realised later, something he said and i was horrified. I would never do it deliberately. I dont know why anyone would.

I've been cheated on and I would hate to knowingly be a woman who wrecks someone elses life.

I have been an OW twice. Literally for two nights.

I do regret both. In both cases I didn't know the wife. In the first case I think I was basically his rebound - he and his wife were fracturing badly after the death of their child. I started as being someone he could talk to and because I was young and stupid I began to feel responsible. He kept saying I was the only person he felt he could to about his child and I thought I had to listen and provide support because that was being decent and didn't realise that we were getting way inappropriately close until he messaged me and said he needed to get away. He turned up on my doorstep and said he didn't love his wife anymore and could I help him find somewhere to stay. We did sleep together after that, and he was still married although separated. I still feel bad about that and have always worried I contributed to their marriage break up although he said that it was really over years before he met me (child died 5 yrs before we met and he said it never recovered from that).

The second time I took sleeping pills at a camping event and woke up naked. Still no idea how that happened as I have no recollection. His wife totally blamed me and told everyone she knew I knew and sent me a long letter telling me what a foul and worthless slut I was and how her husband now saw me for the worthless whore I was and wouldn't see me again.

I spent a long time being messed up about that. Weirdly, in the immediate aftermath he got in touch with me and my impulse was to cling to him because he was being nice to me and I just wanted someone to tell me she hadn't been accurate in what she had said about me. Despite, you know, the fact he'd cheated on his wife and had probably taken advantage of me pretty badly as I really wasn't in much of a place to consent. But I was so fragile by that point.

I don't know if this helps at all. I don't really have any very clear reasons.