Why would anyone become the OW?

[StillAgainstTheWind]

I am mystified as to why any woman would knowingly become the OW.

My friend's marriage was destroyed by her DH's affair last year. Why would any woman choose to sleep with a married man especially one with children?

Statiscally I imagine those affairs that end in a happy, faithful marriage between the affair partners are a tiny minority.

Getting a shag from a single bloke isn't fucking difficult. If a woman is just after sex there's plenty of options other than a married man.

And if it's the soulmates bullshit, well it takes a lot of fucking steps to get to the point of feeling that way.

The reality for most is, I would guess, a snatched hour or two of furtive fucking. Lots of time waiting around for a call or text. Being let down at the last minute.

Why would anyone settle for so little? You hear of women who wait years for the man to leave and he never does. Their whole life on hold waiting for an event that doesn't happen.

How is it justified by OW morally. The man is the one who made the vows I guess?

My friend's husband was a knob anyway and was thinking with his dick. But he didn't make the OW any promises and months later I can't see the appeal for her.

The whole sorry situation is icky, I was just trying to reinforce that, I doubt my words are any more icky than the actual reality of having sex with two women at the same time.

My friend found out she was the OW after being together 3 years and having a child together.
She never met his family because he told her his parents were dead and he was an only child.
The friends of his that she met were all friends that he had made in her town not the town where he lived with his wife and other child.
He "worked" funny hours which included going away and weekends.
Neither of them were on any social media for various reasons.
She had a huge shock when she noticed some red flags and thought he was cheating on her with an OW only to find out that she was the OW.

Well Rascals you've really managed to interpret my words in a way that suits your agenda. I hope he never feels the need to go elsewhere, if he does I'll deal with it. If he were open if deal with it well, if he deceived I'd feel betrayed of course.

Can no-one else separate sex from love. I appreciate that they frequently go hand in hand. But having experience of couples succeeding in open relationships I don't think it's unusual to be able to keep the two apart.

My H's OW became the OW because she adored him, and nobody ever could love him the way she did like his four kids, for example

I think she thought they were Meant To Be. Star-crossed. He was only delighted with himself, to have the benefits of the home game and the away game. I think she was naive, greedy and deluded. But ultimately - selfish. Really selfish.

This is NOT me ok but I have a friend who is married and has 'an arrangement' with a married man where they meet up occasionally for sex.

Neither of them wants to leave their relationships although they are both in 'staying for the kids' type situations. There are cultural/ religious issues which make it harder for them to leave and certainly on her part she doesn't secretly want to be with MM or need him to love her. She is very realistic that he would 'probably be as bad as this one' if she was actually married to him. She says she has no sex life with her husband and that it makes her feel good to be desired even if it is on these terms.

I am not saying this is ok. They are both lying and cheating on innocent partners (well I actually suspect her DH is not very innocent at all anyway) but I don't feel I can really say to her that she should stop for her own sake IYSWIM. The arguments about it being demeaning to her don't seem to apply. I can only say that it is morally wrong which she is quite well aware of and chooses to ignore. We don't talk about it anymore and I wish she had never told me. Perils of being a good listener.

Only thinking about your own needs. Being selfish basically.

Believing he will not get caught out and therefore nobody will get hurt and no harm done.

Attraction developing from friendship and you have an emotional attachment before you know it. At that stage you want it to progress and better judgement, morals are cast aside.

My STBXH's OW is 18 years younger than him. She was 26 when she met him. She wanted him because he had proved he could "make babies" and that men of her age would not show any commitment and there an older man was attractive. The fact he was still married to me was irrelevant. My STBxh was very fluttered that a 26 year old fancied him whilst his wife was working FT and looking after two young children so was far too knackered to have sex on a regular basis. Oh well she is welcome to him.

I know of an ow who mainly goes after married men because she doesn't want a ltr, it's suits her that they have someone else. She is totally detached from their family and wife - she said they are his responsibility not hers, she's not the one lying to them.

Lady I think you have made one very crucial miscalculation

The raison d'etre of most of these grubby liasons is the secrecy, the danger and the thrill of not getting caught. Someone who boosts their own ego by getting one over on the person they are supposed to love most in the world is not going to ruin the frisson by coming clean are they ?

And no, I'm not a bitter spurned wife.

Some OW are married too.

I never understand the whole ow thing! I have just been left heavily pregnant and with a 2 year old for ow!!
I just don't understand how people think it's okay to do it and well the men are even worse!! my ex saw the appeal of not having the responsabilities and having free time to himself to go out and enjoy himself!

I often wonder if these 'cheaters' will ever settle.

My DH exW keeps hoping from affair to affair. Never leaving the one relationship before starting the next.

Because they are self centred, attention seeking, egotistical slap@#^ without an ounce of respect for themselves or others. My "father" had an affair and it totally destroyed my family causing EXTREME consequences. Zero tolerance for such wh#%•!

I would also like to know the answer to this.

When I texted the OW, now ex OW, her reply was, .. He's not the only man in the world... So why go there in the first place.

Thanks very much, been to hell and back. Only one good thing came of it .. Weight loss, whoo hoo

I have been the OW, a situation I honestly never ever thought I would get involved with, one I'm not proud of and one I will never ever get into again!

I first found out about his partner after he left my place of work and we had just been texting nothing else, he offered me a trip abroad to where he was then working, not long after I got a call out the blue from a lady telling me she was his GF and step dad to her children. From that day I had no more contact for a year

Cue him returning to my place of work, he chased me again, telling me how unhappy he was, how he didn't love her and was still only there because of the children, he was leaving, they didn't have sex etc etc and I stupidly let my feeling for him get in the way and believed him, he was very convincing he even had me help him looking for houses to rent n this area so of course I really thought he was leaving sooner rather than later!

Out affair lasted 6 months, his gf found out and on his request I denied anything happening because he didn't want her/her family/friends to think badly of him and it would be kinder for him just to leave and her knowing anyone else wS involved.

She wasn't stupid it was the second time my name came up and she did try and get my admittance over the first few weeks but still I denied it and from the day his gf found out he has totally cut me off, he hasn't discussed it with me at all and hadn't spoke to me since despite working together, and I'm certain they are bavk together, within 4 weeks of it all coming out he brought the gf and the children to our place of work for lunch.

So why did I do it, because I liked him more than I have ever liked anyone and have from day one and I believed every word he said 100% looking back I can now see I was stupid, I have been left heartbroken and for the first time in my life I am on anti depressants, I'm not in a good place!

Oh and my dad and his ow were very happily married for nearly 20years until he died. Far happier than he amd my mother ever were.

My dad really did marry the wrong woman.

Because they are amoral and careless of the devastation they wreak.

Or maybe they are just with the wrong person and when they meet the right person, they want to be with them.

Yes, I was the OW though didn't know it at the time or for several years after I was married. We've been together nearly 30 years - they had barely lasted 6 months. So yes can work out.

Marrying the wrong person initially is all well and good, I'm sure that happens - but does that give you the right to cheat? How about ending it before you go off with your 'soulmate'?

Not directly aimed at anyone on the thread btw, but I just think it's a poor excuse for causing a shit load of hurt. I'm saying this as a child of a marriage which ended because of a parent's affair.

My dad is still with his ow, 20 years later. It doesn't cancel out the behaviour of both of them at the time, and he was also a serial cheater before then anyway.

I was an OW. We were both married for just over a year before we started seeing each other.
We both ended our relationships quickly and eventually remarried. We have now been together for nearly 8 years and married to each other longer than we were to our first partners.

I'm not proud. Nor am I ashamed.

We married the wrong people initially. We are happy together. Will it last forever?? Will one of us cheat??? Who knows. Since when did marriage come with those guarantees? ?
Happy and very much in love. That'll do me.

Lots of affairs occur and the spouse never finds out so no hurt is caused.

I don't agree with this.

While an affair is ongoing the cheater is taking time, attention, good will and possibly money away from the family unit. The cheated-upon will be possibly be confused, aware that something is wrong but not what and trying to cope with a partner who is absent, distant and not pulling their weight physically or emotionally. They may distance their own self from the relationship as a protective reflex, thus unknowingly pushing the star crossed lovers closer together.

if that isn't "hurt" I don't know what is

I nearly ended up being an ow in my 20s.

The reasons were excruciating loneliness. Nobody single ever paid me any attention. All my friends were with somebody.

I had low self esteem anyway which was why decent men gave me a wide berth.

After years and years and years of being single, along came a man who was attracted to me, found me interesting, seemed to 'get' me, wanted to spend time with me. There was no queue of single men behind him

Somehow I walked away but it was really really hard. I was so lonely.