Why would anyone become the OW?

[StillAgainstTheWind]

I am mystified as to why any woman would knowingly become the OW.

My friend's marriage was destroyed by her DH's affair last year. Why would any woman choose to sleep with a married man especially one with children?

Statiscally I imagine those affairs that end in a happy, faithful marriage between the affair partners are a tiny minority.

Getting a shag from a single bloke isn't fucking difficult. If a woman is just after sex there's plenty of options other than a married man.

And if it's the soulmates bullshit, well it takes a lot of fucking steps to get to the point of feeling that way.

The reality for most is, I would guess, a snatched hour or two of furtive fucking. Lots of time waiting around for a call or text. Being let down at the last minute.

Why would anyone settle for so little? You hear of women who wait years for the man to leave and he never does. Their whole life on hold waiting for an event that doesn't happen.

How is it justified by OW morally. The man is the one who made the vows I guess?

My friend's husband was a knob anyway and was thinking with his dick. But he didn't make the OW any promises and months later I can't see the appeal for her.

*blindsider

I know what's ironic in his application he put he is sympathetic, empathetic and compassionate and can understand everyone's situation in life!!!
he has no sympathy for me and can not understand why I am so hurt and upset! and as for her she has not one bit of respect for me or my kids!

sordid

Sordid, no excuse for you to refer to women in those vile terms.

Don'tknow - I would say I fit in that third category but I can't speak for anyone other than myself. There could well be a whole bunch of other categories. Guilt is so much of my life now I'm almost used to it but I will never be able to dismiss it. I could put on here how it consumes most of my life but I know that will be seen as further evidence of what an awful person I am that I don't just walk away from him.

I've been thinking about this.

I don't think that being an OW is a sign that anyone is just intrinsically an awful person. On MN, the sanctity of the family is a really big deal which makes sense - parenting site - but I see people posting all the time about things that makes them seem horrible to me, yet folk don't bat an eyelid.

Obviously, horrible women can be OW too, but sometimes people who are lovely in many areas of their lives just don't view the relationships of strangers as their problem. And that doesn't mean they can't have good qualities, or be loyal to their friends, or contribute to society, and that one bad call doesn't cancel out all the good.

I disagree. Intentionally doing a bad thing, over a sustained period, that you know will hurt other people, often including children, is the very definition of a bad person.

And doing other stuff, that's good and kind but doesn't really take much effort or much self sacrifice at all, doesn't compensate for it.

Otherwise you could apply your argument to any situation.

Oh he's a serial killer but does lots of charity work and is kind to his dog.

Oh he pushes drugs to kids but he is very responsible at work and an accomplished painter.

It's nonsense. The only fair way to judge a person is on their choices and actions, over which they have complete autonomy.

Honestly, if I really thought that I would have cut off a lot of people a long time ago, including the people who voted Tory and gender critical feminists. And I'd still be in a psych ward on suicide watch or dead. And if we all believed that the prisons would be full and no one would receive parole.

No one is defined by their worst action, choice or opinion. No one.

Eh?

Tabsicle, I don't view the relationships of strangers as my problem either, because they're strangers.

However, if I was knowingly complicit in an affair over a prolonged period of time then the family of the man I was having an affair with are no longer strangers. They are very real people who are going to be impacted negatively at some point by my direct actions.

The married man is 100% responsible and accountable for his actions, and the impact his actions will have.
The OW is 100% responsible and accountable for her actions, and the impact her actions will have.

Every single one of us is 100% responsible for the decisions and actions we CHOOSE to make.

Bunny - entirely. I never said that OW aren't responsible for their actions. I'm saying that this whole "OW are a strange breed apart and are bad through and through seems like bullshit to me". They are people, who have good and bad in them. Like everyone.

But I think I've got a bit incoherent in trying to explain this from SongBird16's response.

'No one is defined by their worst action, choice or opinion. No one.'

I'm afraid they are. What do you know about Myra Hindley?

I'm not equating infidelity with murder, just pointing out that good intentions and 'being nice underneath' count for nothing. It's our actions that define us.

And it's not how we act when we're happy or sailing effortlessly through life, it's how we act when we're denied, angered, jealous and sad.

I think there's a famous quote along the lines of 'we're only as good as our worst behaviour'.

That's not to say that people can't change, or be forgiven, or make amends, as with your parole analogy.

THIS

However, if I was knowingly complicit in an affair over a prolonged period of time then the family of the man I was having an affair with are no longer strangers. They are very real people who are going to be impacted negatively at some point by my direct actions

AND

The married man is 100% responsible and accountable for his actions, and the impact his actions will have. The OW is 100% responsible and accountable for her actions, and the impact her actions will have

I think that makes you a pretty shit person. OW in my case refused to take any responsibility for her actions at all. Declared that she "deserved happiness" and that I was "in the way". However, had previously contacted me and offered me "support or someone to shout out" while actually living with my husband who was pretending he was sleeping in his van. She was willing to face me and pretend that she was supporting my husband while he attempted to extract himself from his evil wife and imaginary dreadful marriage and comfort me at the same time. Psycho.

A decent person would have held their hands up and said "sorry", we shouldn't have done it but we did and then have done everything they could to smooth the path. They chose not to. They chose to take the path of destruction and cause as much pain and damage to me and my children that they could. It makes them both utter pieces of shit, 100% responsible for their actions. They are NOT nice.

I think it's all about the definition of OW and the context.
This is just my take on it:

1. Someone who has had a one night stand with a MM, not knowing he was married is not an OW & bears no responsibility.

100% shithouse of a man.

1. Someone who has fleeting dalliances with MM, knowing they are married and not giving a shit about their marital state.

100% shithouse of a man for doing what he did. Woman is not an OW, just someone who is very self centred and puts their own needs/wants ahead of others.

1. Two people who meet and fall in love etc, realise they want to be together.

MM ends marriage and the new partners live happily ever after. I would say that whilst this is an awful situation for all involved, and whilst it is an OW situation there is at least some honesty in it. I would imagine that some guilt is genuinely felt by both parties.

1. Two people meet and embark on long term affair, stretching over months and years.

MM is a shit. He has no intention of leaving family, wants to have cake and then more cake on the side. This OW is knowingly complicit in causing hurt and pain to the MM's family. Willing to accept crumbs, manages to convince herself that it is true love and believes MM's lies about his family life and marriage because it helps to justify her actions to herself and to assuage any guilt she may have had re the family.

In the 4th scenario, the husband usually goes to the OW only when found out & kicked out by the wife.
Whilst the OW is initially over the moon as she has won her prize after playing the long game for years, it soon turns to hatred for the wife - not only did the wife stand in her way for so long, the bloody woman is still in the way because the MM still has parental responsibilities etc.

It is this type of OW that most posters on this thread seem to have encountered (me included).

That's interesting bunny

I realise that (3) is theoretically possible. That someone might know someone casually, never have dated them , decide they are in love with them and leave their spouse. Because I agree, the other party is totally innocent, as they have not been romantically involved with MM .

It's just I don't know anyone it's ever happened to . I've never read about it MN either .

I'm not sure how likely it is to happen, as IME unfaithful partners tend to get someone else lined up before they leave.

Most adults don't usually decide that they are love with someone they are not already involved with / sleeping with . They don't just say " oh gosh, I've decided today that I'm in love with X and I'm going to leave my wife "

It's a long process of cheating in steps. Cheater like to act as if it's a thunderbolt that struck them out the blue . Instead it's an infatuation that they fed until it burst unto flames .

All cheaters had many many chances to walk away from what they were doing . They chose not to .

It makes me angry when they act as if their lurve is something special that no one else has experienced . and that any of us who have stayed faithful to our partners have only done so because we have never been tempted . Probably because we are so old and ugly . Or dead from the waist down .

No we are not. Everyone I know has been attached to someone, however fleetingly , outside their marriage / partnership . But they decided not to act on their feelings .

They didn't engage in cosy chats at work . Texting . Secret lunches. Private emails. Sharing intimacies . Arranging weekends away, getting drunk and then ( suprise suprise ) , guess what , ending up in bed together .

Well what a shock . Poor little you. Not able to control yourself . Didn't know what you were doing . Didn't mean it to happen . Couldn't help yourself .

Im sorry, I don't think that's very honest .

I agree Kr1stina, I just meant it could be perhaps seen as more honest (if honesty was on a scale ).
It's still absolutely dishonest and it would have to have been escalated over a period of time.

I am always at the star-crossed lovers nonsense tbh, but I suppose at least those people don't carry it on for extended periods - they make the break pretty quickly.

Kr1stina - I know someone that no. 3 happened to - seriously! But.. it was only one-sided!

MM decided he was in love with a work colleague who was single and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. This is the honest truth. He started being difficult with his wife, causing lots of arguments and then one day told his wife he didn't love her anymore and was in love with someone else. He went to work and told colleague he had left his wife and they could be together. Colleague was horrified and told him she didn't want him and thought he was completely nuts. Apparently they had become friends, had lunches together and she had made comments about how lovely he was and that she wanted to meet someone just like him. And that's it! The rest was is in fantasy mind. Men can be such fickle! He went back to his wife with his tail behind his legs but acted like a victim and was still being awful. Wife dumped him anyway

Blinders - how weird is that ! What a nutter! Glad to hear his wife got shot of him anyway , it would just be matter of time before he developed an obsession about someone else .

I thought most men grew out if that " declaration of love " thing. Its a bit teenaged isn't it ?

Bunny - yes the star crossed love things makes me want to slap them . I can hardly control myself when they start threads on MN, I have to hide them .

" Oh our lurve is so beautifuuuul and speshull , it's not a sordid affair shagging in the back of his Honda , we have a good reason, it's so deep and meaningful "

almost as annoying as the " I'm doing it to help my marriage "

Well if adultery is so fun and cool and special and meaningful, just tell your part so he/ she can share in the joy of it with you

Shagging in the back of his Honda
**
**
In my case they were shagging in the back of his 307!!

Bit of class then !

Nah, no class what so ever unfortunately - there was many a furtive motorway services meet-up apparently - practically dogging!

Fucking twats.

From the two OW and one OM I know (as friends):

• one is just generally a very fucked up person, massive issues with body image and eating, family, anxiety, OCD and I think embarking on an affair with a married man at work was some kind of validation thing for her, she got close to him through work and just loved being wanted by someone. She couldn't cope with the 'normal' dating scene at. all.

• another doesn't want a conventional life: marriage, kids etc. She keeps the details of her affair very close to her chest, she doesn't know I know, but I am sure she would think it was the man who made promises not her. I think she is also very in live with him.

• The third is also hopelessly in love and has been for years. He is being strung along with promises that she will leave her DH. He has ended the relationship several times and tried to date other people and yet always gone back to her.

In all three cases the affairs have been going on for many years and I cannot see any of the married parties leaving their spouses. At least one of the spouses, possibly two, know about the OW/M.

Binders - that happened to me more or less. A year after I married DH, a younger man started working at the same office. Lots of flirting and laughing and if I am honest I enjoyed the ego boost and maybe if I weren't married it might have had legs but I honestly thought it was harmless. One day he came into work looking distracted and anxious, asked to see me at lunchtime and dropped the bombshell that he had ended it with his gf and was prepared to wait for me to divorce DH......thunk

But although it was a total overreaction on his part. I'd be lying if I said there was nothing preceding it. I now have cast iron boundaries.

However I don't beleive that falling hopelessly, life-changingly, irresisitibly in love happens out of nowhere without some crossing of lines. Anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves and trying to escape blame. We are supposed to be adult human beings not feckless children.