Why would anyone become the OW?

[StillAgainstTheWind]

I am mystified as to why any woman would knowingly become the OW.

My friend's marriage was destroyed by her DH's affair last year. Why would any woman choose to sleep with a married man especially one with children?

Statiscally I imagine those affairs that end in a happy, faithful marriage between the affair partners are a tiny minority.

Getting a shag from a single bloke isn't fucking difficult. If a woman is just after sex there's plenty of options other than a married man.

And if it's the soulmates bullshit, well it takes a lot of fucking steps to get to the point of feeling that way.

The reality for most is, I would guess, a snatched hour or two of furtive fucking. Lots of time waiting around for a call or text. Being let down at the last minute.

Why would anyone settle for so little? You hear of women who wait years for the man to leave and he never does. Their whole life on hold waiting for an event that doesn't happen.

How is it justified by OW morally. The man is the one who made the vows I guess?

My friend's husband was a knob anyway and was thinking with his dick. But he didn't make the OW any promises and months later I can't see the appeal for her.

Tomato...I do have an imagination. I said in my post that I appreciate that there are circumstances where greater pain is caused but in all of the circumstances I've seen that hasn't been the case.

While I'm sorry that you feel such great pain it doesn't mean that every situation is the same as I've already outlined.

FWIW...the MM I was seeing many years ago is still with his DW. She is none the wiser. Not that it makes any difference as to any moral argument...I was the one that cut off contact and persuaded him to seek counselling to deal with his unresolved issues that were leading him to stay in the first place.

I have plenty of moral fibre. I would never, ever cheat on someone myself, I simply believe it's up to the married person to decide whether they want to keep their commitment or not.

Keep trying to absolve yourself of responsibility

Its actually scary that you think you have plenty of moral fibre

So, stumbly it's OK to deliberately set out to hurt someone. Nice!

But it's OK, if I remember rightly you do charity stuff in your free time, so that makes you a lovely person, actually.

Jones

I know, it is unbelievable

...and I still don't see the difference.

Management made a commitment to the colleague that the job was for her alone. Management actively pursued me for the job and broke that commitment. I felt no duty to decline as I had made no such commitment.

MM made a commitment to a woman that a relationship with him was for her alone. MM actively pursued me for a relationship and broke that commitment. I felt no duty to decline as I had made no such commitment.

Personally when I get married to my DP I will really mean for life but presumably MM who cheat see marriage as "a transaction which keeps going while mutually beneficial to both parties" otherwise they wouldn't be such dicks cheat?

Also I guess I don't see a relationship as someone's 'whole life'. If someone is in a relationship and there are no kids involved the breakdown of that relationship isn't a 'whole life'....what about career, friends, family, travel, etc. Again....I am not talking about your specific circumstances here...there were no children involved in my situation.

Fucking hell

Yep, sociopath.

I didn't set out deliberately to hurt someone.
That would be akin to a situation where I know someone...want to hurt them...and purposefully seduce their DH to hurt them.

Presumably its OK to knock someone down in your car but if you don't know them you can drive away knowing your own particular brand of morals is intact...?

What did I (as a cheated on wife) expect to get out of this thread?

Most of the hours awake at night in the aftermath were spent trying to figure out 'why?'.
Why would he do it, obviously, but also - why did she carry on seeing him? Why did she was she happy to be a third member of our marriage? Why did she not walk away at any point over the 10 years, when it was clear he was not going to leave me?

for all my fellow 'angry, bitter exes' on this thread!
We all keep going because we have to, we'll all get there in the end, and we are all defined by far more than who we happen to be having sex with.

Let me get this straight then...are you guys genuinely saying you have never hurt anyone or done anything in your whole lives that other people have considered wrong in some way?

Sorry, didn't answer properly - I thought I might get some insight into the 'why?'.

Jones....if you didn't set out with the specific intention of knocking anyone down then of course?!

I don't get that analogy?

Do you know what stumbly to the outside world I'm doing well. I brush it off. I'm ok. I'm getting on. I look better than I have for a while. I have a giggle.

Only my inner circle know how tough it has actually been.

I'm sure if I knew you in real life I wouldn't have shared my pain with you because you would have told me to get over myself or stop being so bitter, or told me some tripe nonsense to patronise me. So I call bullshit on your friends not actually hurting. And I stand by my thoughts about you.

Bunny....I understand. Every situation and person is different though so while you can get a little insight none of us answering here are the OW in your relationship.

I think there's been a pretty wide variety of answers.

And x-post with so many people.

I spend my life trying to be thoughtful towards other people. I am not perfect in any way but I don't deliberately do something which is likely to cause someone immense pain.

Its called being decent. Basic humanity.

Not at all Stumbly, I'm sure I've upset people unintentionally over the years - I certainly know that I have intentionally at times.

But I would not accept crumbs or be someone's bit in the side.
If I am in a relationship I expect to be adored, loved & cherished - not fitted in when it's convenient.

Honesty is also a really big deal to me, in all aspects of life.

I fancy me a bit of extra marital fun

I reckon I could take stumbly's. She won't mind. All is fair in love, war and employment.

I'm super close with my friends, I'm very supportive and godmother to a number of their children.

I don't mean this to sound rude (you can't convey tone here) but just as a fact....I'm happy with my moral code and I always live by it. I'm 100% happy with who I am as a person and to that end I don't really care what other people think (particularly not when the opinion is formed from a few posts on a forum on one very specific topic).

I think my moral code generally is pretty much in line with the 'norm' apart from this one point.

As it happens I discussed with my DP the other night and he agrees with you guys...

I'm telling Mr AF

Christina completely agree with you. I cannot get my head around why the ow wants a man she knows has a proven track record of being a liar a cheat and a coward. In hope it keeps her awake at night. Yes I'm bitter. I'm angry.
He's done the usual we weren't happy crap I expect. Well we were happy. Until he started lying and cheating. Of course that poisons a relationship. He must have felt some guilt although I've wondered about that also.
Stumble to compare the pain of being betrayed and hurt by the one person who was meant to love and protect you, who you loved and wanted to spend the rest of your life with, to the dissapoimtemt of missing out on promotion at work is frankly bizarre and offensive.

AF...well that would be setting out to do it to hurt someone specifically; I wouldn't do that.

But I said very early in the thread that if my DP cheated I wouldn't blame the OW (assuming I don't know them). Only DP has made a commitment to me and all of my substantial anger would be directed at him alone...

I don't get your job one. Kind of the point?

I haven't read the full thread but I didn't see my wedding as a transaction and who is supposed to be managing me? :o they aren't doing a very good job..

As far as the op goes, I agree. I don't understand it either but I was a child with a parent who was adulterous and it was bloody miserable for us as children. I hope when they die they get the pain inflicted on them that we had to suffer tbh