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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why would anyone become the OW?

547 replies

StillAgainstTheWind · 25/01/2016 16:10

I am mystified as to why any woman would knowingly become the OW.

My friend's marriage was destroyed by her DH's affair last year. Why would any woman choose to sleep with a married man especially one with children?

Statiscally I imagine those affairs that end in a happy, faithful marriage between the affair partners are a tiny minority.

Getting a shag from a single bloke isn't fucking difficult. If a woman is just after sex there's plenty of options other than a married man.

And if it's the soulmates bullshit, well it takes a lot of fucking steps to get to the point of feeling that way.

The reality for most is, I would guess, a snatched hour or two of furtive fucking. Lots of time waiting around for a call or text. Being let down at the last minute.

Why would anyone settle for so little? You hear of women who wait years for the man to leave and he never does. Their whole life on hold waiting for an event that doesn't happen.

How is it justified by OW morally. The man is the one who made the vows I guess?

My friend's husband was a knob anyway and was thinking with his dick. But he didn't make the OW any promises and months later I can't see the appeal for her.

OP posts:

JonesTheSteam · 09/02/2016 20:45

You intentionally had an affair with a MM. You thought his wife would be OK with that????

Christinayangstwistedsista · 09/02/2016 20:46

So if AF accidentally fell onto his knob, that would be okay

AnyFucker · 09/02/2016 20:46

I don't know you, stumbly. If I hurt you it doesn't matter one jot. You are nothing to me.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 09/02/2016 20:48

You are shagging someone's husband and you don't think it will hurt them

JonesTheSteam · 09/02/2016 20:51

Let me get this straight then...are you guys genuinely saying you have never hurt anyone or done anything in your whole lives that other people have considered wrong in some way?

Of course I have. The difference is I feel bad about it! I can think of lots of examples, one of which more of less ended a close friendship, and I still feel wracked with guilt for my stupidity!

Christ, I once started seeing someone and it transpired he had a girlfriend. He finished with her and we went out a few more times but I felt awful and we only went out a few more times before I ended it... I was 22 at this point... And I feel bad thinking about it now. And I didn't even know her....

stumblymonkey · 09/02/2016 20:52

Yes....if AF or anyone for that matter tripped up and 'accidentally' fell on my DPs dick I would have no beef with them as long as they didn't know me.

I would have a lot of beef with DP as I am very anti-cheating and would be very hurt and angry as you would expect. With DP only.

Alchemist · 09/02/2016 20:52

OH! It's the justification of these great loves that really gets my goat.

jillyarmeen16 · 09/02/2016 20:52

Stumble it doesn't take much for sight or compassion to realise that if you shag someone else's husband that someone is very likely to get very hurt.
I do blame him first. But she knew about me. I would never ever do to another woman what she has been a part of doing to me. No grey areas at all I wouldn't do it. Maybe because I have more respect for myself than to want a liar and a cheat.

JonesTheSteam · 09/02/2016 20:53

AF. What's your husband like? I know you're MN royalty and all, but I don't actually know you or anything.... ;-)

stumblymonkey · 09/02/2016 20:55

Oh....so it's okay if I feel bad about it then?

I actually think the whole guilt thing is a cop out...how can you feel guilty about something you knowingly did?

Surely if you thought it was wrong you shouldn't have done it...not do it and then wring your hands and think that makes it okay...?

JonesTheSteam · 09/02/2016 20:56

^ this ^

It's not OK. End of. Whether you know someone or not!

I found it interesting what you said early on.

He was married, but you knew him first and had always had a connection with him.

So fucking what. That makes him unavailable even if he's a twat who tries it on with you.

jillyarmeen16 · 09/02/2016 20:57

That's what you're not getting stumble. Nothing makes it ok. Ow feeling guilty or not doesn't take the hurt and betrayal away.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 09/02/2016 20:58

I am very anti cheating

Oh, you mean when it affects you...got it now

JonesTheSteam · 09/02/2016 21:00

Nothing makes it OK.

But how can you not feel guilt and shame looking back and thinking it was a shitty thing to do to someone.

Owllady · 09/02/2016 21:01

I think stumbley is saying it's the man's fault, first and foremost, not the ow. Which is true
But knowingly becoming the ow (which not all ow do - as they don't know) is making a decision to commit to something that is morally, to most people, reprehensible. If you are unable to acknowledge that, you are lacking somewhat

stumblymonkey · 09/02/2016 21:01

Like I said. We have different views and moral codes in this specific area.

No amount of backwards and forwards will lead me to think any differently about it and I'm sure you feel the same.

I've explained where I was coming from the time and various other bits and pieces. I don't think I've got anything new to add without just repeating myself.

I am genuinely sorry that you guys were cheated on, I am very anti-cheating and think your ex's are arseholes.

JonesTheSteam · 09/02/2016 21:05

I am very anti-cheating

If that were true you wouldn't have shagged a MM. Yes, he was the married one, but you were basically like an accessory to a crime.

As bad as one another. And you don't even care that you did it.

As I said before, nice.

jillyarmeen16 · 09/02/2016 21:05

That's what I don't get. Ow knows he's a cheating arse hole. He knows she's one too. They both know what the other one is capable of. She knows he was pushed when I found out rather than jumped to her. Why would anyone start a relationship on those foundations?

AnyFucker · 09/02/2016 21:10

I am not a cheated-on wife, but I still don't like the sound of you stumbly. You sound completely without empathy.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2016 21:12

Jones, he's quite tasty. I wouldn't mind a bit if you climbed aboard. No beef at all here.

Owllady · 09/02/2016 21:14

I've not been cheated on either :)
I'm most probably in denial innit

SongBird16 · 09/02/2016 21:32

'Let me get this straight then...are you guys genuinely saying you have never hurt anyone or done anything in your whole lives that other people have considered wrong in some way?'

Not on fucking purpose stumbly, no, no I haven't.

The fact you appear genuinely surprised is quite frightening really, but answers a lot of questions about the mentality of the other woman I guess.

It amazes me that you feel that the ow is absolved of guilt because the mm is the main culprit. Of course he is, but aided and abetted by women like you. Women who think 'the wife will never find out' while some poor cow wanders round her house going quietly mad wondering what's changed, and why, and what did she do wrong.

Or women who think the wife deserves it, or doesn't deserve him, or is turning a blind eye without thinking that this man, this known proven liar, is...well, lying.

Or women who feel pleased that they're winning a competition that the wife didn't know she was in.

I don't know why anyone would want to be involved in any way with the breakdown of a marriage, or the breakup of a family, the pain is like nothing else. If he's going to do it with someone, let it be someone else, not you. Live a life where you can look yourself in the mirror, you only get one.

Think you love him like no one else can? Reckon his kids love him more.

Think everyone involved 'gets over it and moves on'? Wrong. People pretend, for the kids, so they don't bore their friends, so their ex doesn't have the satisfaction of seeing the devastation.

Bloody hell, I wouldn't want to be in your head for a million quid, there's not enough bleach in the world.

sempereadem1 · 09/02/2016 21:48

Songbird, I wish Mumsnet did 'likes' for posts. Absolutely spot on.

tomatoplantproject · 09/02/2016 21:52

Songbird that was beautifully said

sempereadem1 · 09/02/2016 21:53

I've been that poor cow wandering round my house wondering why my Dh is always angry and disinterested. That sinking feeling if losing somebody but cannot put your finger on why other than the busyness of life with a 5 and 2 year old and financial strains. Trying my hardest to understand but pulling back myself in resentment that we aren't working as a team no matter how hard I try. That just made him justify what he and the Ow were doing even more. Makes sense now but at the time I thought I was going mad

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