Why would anyone become the OW?

[StillAgainstTheWind]

I am mystified as to why any woman would knowingly become the OW.

My friend's marriage was destroyed by her DH's affair last year. Why would any woman choose to sleep with a married man especially one with children?

Statiscally I imagine those affairs that end in a happy, faithful marriage between the affair partners are a tiny minority.

Getting a shag from a single bloke isn't fucking difficult. If a woman is just after sex there's plenty of options other than a married man.

And if it's the soulmates bullshit, well it takes a lot of fucking steps to get to the point of feeling that way.

The reality for most is, I would guess, a snatched hour or two of furtive fucking. Lots of time waiting around for a call or text. Being let down at the last minute.

Why would anyone settle for so little? You hear of women who wait years for the man to leave and he never does. Their whole life on hold waiting for an event that doesn't happen.

How is it justified by OW morally. The man is the one who made the vows I guess?

My friend's husband was a knob anyway and was thinking with his dick. But he didn't make the OW any promises and months later I can't see the appeal for her.

Confusionoftheillusion...I did not break my marriage vows, let me make that very clear. The only person who did that was my ex and indeed the amoral, utterly vile individual he is involved with now. I am sure if you have had an affair with a MM, it is easier to try and blame everybody to take away your failings.

Bunny, I am grateful for your message upthread and indeed that very moving picture. I saved it to send to a friend who is at the very beginning of this nightmare. Your OW sounds like "mine". I was told that it was my fault my husband left (not her willing vagina), that she was "bored of my pitiful bleating", that I was "the worse excuse of a loving mother that she'd ever come across", a "sad fuck", "deluded prick" and very many other utterly spiteful things. She also dismissed my son's ASD as "attention seeking and only to claim DLA". This woman works with children unfortunately. Her husband had been buried for 4 1/2 months when she moved mine in. Urgh. Yet as you say, we were the ones who were expected to just "move on", "get a life" and congratulate them on their lovely new relationship. Yet on this thread I have been accused of being angry...

Confusion, you keep telling everybody how they should be feeling, yet you destroyed somebody else's marriage! Do you have no self-awareness whatsoever?!

Yes, of course you make the decision to say yes. I accept that. And I think my situation was potentially not average anyway as I was the OW but abused by the MM. It was all a bit of a disaster. I certainly wasn't a predatory stereotype man eater anyway. But I accept women like that exist.

You are better off without him. I know it's a trite little platitude but he's a coward for doing what he's done and by the sounds of his history, a loser of the highest attitude. Some people will always say the love you give them isn't enough- that's a reflection of them not you. Some people are just weirdly deficient of love and no amount would ever be sufficient- unless you worship them as some kind of God and even then maybe not.

mrsC - i haven't accused you of breaking your marriage vows. If it seemed that way then it wasn't meant to be.

I really don't believe i destroyed someone else's marriage. I think my DP and his ex destroyed their own marriage.

Anyway - if you want to carry on being angry and quoting your ex's DP (cause she isn't the OW anymore you know - she is his DP) then i'll leave you to it!

I truly do hope you find some peace though even if everything you say they've done is true. It's horrible for it to affect the rest of your life.

How old are you confusion? You strike me (like the OP) as incredibly naive, either that or supremely unempathetic. I'll cut you some slack, and assume you are just naive . . .

Sorry, reference to OP was not intended. Confused the threads. Message to confusion is intended.

dontknow am I the naive PP? I was- not anymore!

mid 30s

i just believe that there are many different types of people, situations and that not everyone is the same.

Yes, affairs are wrong. But that doesn't mean that normal, nice, kind, empathetic women don't sometimes find themselves in situations they never would have put themselves in.

Life is complex, people are complex, relationships are complex.

It's easy to say "just don't do it" but people's situations are so diverse that it isn't that black and white all the time.

Confusion, I do see that you are trying to be nice and I am really not having a pop at you I promise - but I just want to address a few things that you wrote:

the problem is that everyone else moves on so when the party who was "left" is still being bitter and angry it doesn't hurt anybody except themselves.
I will always be bitter and angry about what happened, that will never leave.
However, this doesn't stop me moving on at all, it just is what it is - I am not hurting myself at all, just feeling a natural response towards 2 people that have caused upset to my children and to me.

It's really hard I get it but wouldn't it be better for yourself to try and not have so much negative feeling.
I am a very positive person by nature, and am very positive about me and the kids' future.^^ We are all doing well and I refuse to be made a 'victim' through no choice of my own.
I wish people would not confuse feeling angry/disappointed/let down etc about a specific thing, with being negative about everything.

You're well shot of someone who didn't love you.
Here's the thing - he did. He still does. He said himself, he wanted it all - me, the kids, our home life etc - he just got a big dollop of extra ego massage on the side by someone who was willing to hang on in there for her 'true love'.
He's with her now because I kicked him out - if he'd truly been in mad love with her and not me he'd have left years ago to live the dream.

It's total shit that it happened to you but you really don't have to let it define the rest of your life.
It doesn't define my life at all.
My identity and life are defined by so much more than who I am in a relationship with.
Sadly, the same is not true of the OW in my case - she is wholly defined by 'her man'.**

Anyway - if you want to carry on being angry and quoting your ex's DP (cause she isn't the OW anymore you know - she is his DP) then i'll leave you to it!

Wow what an utterly nasty and unkind comment.

confusion, I would have guessed you are in your 30s. I also can see you are trying to be nice, but in your belief that you are so reasonable and understanding of the grey nature of life, you come across as hugely unempathetic to those left to deal with an enormous pile of shit, and also lacking an understanding of the dynamics and love in a long term marriage/relationship. As said above, these women are not necessarily "bitter" (gack) and living in the past (more gack); they are the ones dealing with everything left behind. And I don't know about all the people you know who are harming the children, but in just about every single case of a marriage breakdown due to infidelity that I am aware of (and that's probably a lot more than you, as I'm quite a bit older), it is the left behind spouse who has behaved impeccably with respect to the children and frankly shielded them from more of the shit than they should ever have been expected to.

FellOut, I didn't mean you at all. I understand your situation is totally different from the vast majority of what this thread is actually discussing. No judgement at all from me.

Bunny...very well put.

"I truly do hope you find some peace though even if everything you say they've done is true. It's horrible for it to affect the rest of your life."

How fucking dare you? How dare you suggest the reported spiteful comments are untrue. You have written things that have left me aghast but this is one of the worst. How dare you presume that what a woman reports is untrue?

I assume you are here to goad and hurt, enough now.

No worries dontknow

I do think it's a bit much to come on a thread like this and be smug about OW status but also to suggest the cheated on spouses are bitter like its a failing. For a start, I've seen very little evidence of bitterness anywhere here but also for people like MrsC and others, I actually think there's a remarkable lack of bitterness evident in their posts. Their former husbands are tosspots but many of these women are coping like absolute troopers. Much better than I think I could in a similar situation.

I was an OW before Christmas, he was a serial cheat (been cheating on wife after going out for 6 months, married for 10 years). It was a horrid time but the excitement and emotional connection we had was mind blowing and was why we continued. I've now moved on and his wife is left knowing about it and his previous affairs but is still with him...sometimes people can't see the reality of their relationship and are willing to turn a blind eye thus allowing the affairs to happen...the problems were there long before our affair and he will continue to cheat.

Confusion You can believe what you like about the destruction of your "partners" marriage, doesn't make it true, you have a very one sided view of what happened and I imagine chose to believe whatever made you feel better.

Once the OW, always the OW no matter how much time passes.

"even if what you've said is true".... 'ang on ladies.... As always on threads we are getting one side. One side of my life from what I say and one side of any other posters' life from what they say... All I know is what my DPs ex tells us is utter horseshit as we have many mutual friends so she says things to us which we know to be BS and swears blind it's the truth.

Bunny - you have come across admirably and as someone who i really respect. I can really see what you are saying and actually throughout this thread I have done. You seem like a really strong woman and your posts don't actually come across as bitter at all. Very pragmatic i'd say given all the horrible emotions you'd have had to face.

don't know what comes next - It's great that in your RL you've seen so may ex spouses who were "left" behave so well. I only wish I'd seen the same. I've witnessed ex spouses deliberately trying to turn kids against dad and his partner and emotionally manipulating children. Maybe it's that the women I've seen have been younger and less wise than the ones you have seen.

braving spring - didn't take long for someone to tell me that the EA my DP experienced was fabricated! Good ol predictable mumsnet!!

Actually I lied! - we have one mutual friend - everyone else has seem his ex for the maniuplative horrible liar she is and this current mutual friend is in the process of distancing herself.

Sometimes there are woman who are not nice people who are the "left" wives, and sometimes there are women who are nice people who are the "left" wives.... just as sometimes there are woman who are not nice people who are the "OW", and sometimes there are women who are nice people who are the "OW.

Is it really that impossible for people to see that?

....and before i get accused of turning her friends against her - i have only become friends with these people very very recently since they'd stopped seeing his ex as i didnt think it was fair for me to encroach on her friendships. DP also stopped seeing his friends for a long time for the same reason. However over the past year or so they have stopped spending time with her as they've seen her for what she is.

Confusion I missed your bit about "if everything you say is true". I'll put you in the picture. I can prove absolutely everything I have said about my ex husband and his OW. Most of their vile spouting is in the written word. I have never been rude to OW, quite the opposite, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. There have been a lot of emotive texts, emails and letters between my ex and I, quite understandably, but I have never been vicious, rude, manipulative nor evil. Weirdly, my husband and his OW discovered my threads in relationships. They took them to court and tried to have our financial proceedings thrown out on the basis of my posts. Failed. They went to the police and tried to have me prosecuted for "trolling" and as I was able to prove my position, they failed. Indeed, they tried to have them removed from Mumsnet. Mumsnet didn't agree. So, yes, everything I said is true. Neither of them could bear that their behaviour had been exposed and indeed very many in RL now know exactly what a pair of shits they are.

I find your posts to be extremely unkind and you appear to revel in the distress of others. I do hope this never happens to you.

Confusion Where did I say your "partners" EA was fabricated?

Braving spring -
Confusion You can believe what you like about the destruction of your "partners" marriage, doesn't make it true, you have a very one sided view of what happened and I imagine chose to believe whatever made you feel better.

mrsc - i am really sorry all of this has happened to you. I don't understand why they would be so vindictive for no reason. That is really really awful. I really wasn't having a go at you but honestly not all OW are the same! I am not revelling in any distress AT ALL! Quite the opposite.

braving spring - Why the "" for my DP?

I've just read the whole thread but most of all have been gobsmacked at your posts illusion starting with your comment which must be from your '1950's housewife handbook' with the 'Ensure you greet your partner nicely dressed with a smile, a kiss and a drink at the door from his hard day at work' type of instructions. Wow! From then on, each post got seem to get worse and worse

Bunny was too kind and I am not going to list all your 'comments' but you have dismissed and minimised the effects on peoples lives, your comments have been insulting, you have made assumptions of how people feel and given advice of what they should feel like when you don't know what they have been through and been no less than completely disrespectful to some posters.

You need to re-read your posts because I honestly do believe that you don't mean to cause offence but you either have no filter or you are trying to minimise your own guilt by believing it's not that bad and if it happens, to you just get over it - don't let it get you down.