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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why would anyone become the OW?

547 replies

StillAgainstTheWind · 25/01/2016 16:10

I am mystified as to why any woman would knowingly become the OW.

My friend's marriage was destroyed by her DH's affair last year. Why would any woman choose to sleep with a married man especially one with children?

Statiscally I imagine those affairs that end in a happy, faithful marriage between the affair partners are a tiny minority.

Getting a shag from a single bloke isn't fucking difficult. If a woman is just after sex there's plenty of options other than a married man.

And if it's the soulmates bullshit, well it takes a lot of fucking steps to get to the point of feeling that way.

The reality for most is, I would guess, a snatched hour or two of furtive fucking. Lots of time waiting around for a call or text. Being let down at the last minute.

Why would anyone settle for so little? You hear of women who wait years for the man to leave and he never does. Their whole life on hold waiting for an event that doesn't happen.

How is it justified by OW morally. The man is the one who made the vows I guess?

My friend's husband was a knob anyway and was thinking with his dick. But he didn't make the OW any promises and months later I can't see the appeal for her.

OP posts:
stumblymonkey · 08/02/2016 20:09

I do agree with bunny...

If you're not totally unhappy with your marriage then you should stop all unnecessary contact with the MM (assuming some contact is necessary at work).

The grass is greener where you water it.

BunnyTyler · 08/02/2016 20:12

Stumbly, I suppose because pain is relative and affects everyone differently.

I felt awful for weeks, bad for a few months and now (after 6 months) feel pissed off but moving on with my life.
I am also dealing with chronic illness, losing my 20 yr career due to illness and am bipolar (rapid cycling at present), and am in the process of losing the house as it is tied to my ex's job (forces).

I am still ok and getting on fine. Someone else would crumble at far less - people are different and process/are affected by things differently.

stumblymonkey · 08/02/2016 20:12

I think people get confused about commitment....it doesn't mean that you'll never find anyone else attractive, never have a strong connection or chemistry with someone else. That is all natural.

It's about acknowledging that you may have a strong connection with someone else and then choosing never to let it go any further.

I have a strong connection with a MM at work but we never do anything more than have appropriate office banter and I never would as I choose my DP.

stumblymonkey · 08/02/2016 20:14

Bunny...I understand and do try not to be judgey about people falling apart over things as it is unkind but I can't help sometimes thinking "If that's the worst thing that's happened to you you've had a bloody good life, be grateful for that"

As a total aside....I have bipolar too as it happens...

Daenerys2 · 08/02/2016 20:15

I'm not happy in my marriage. If I was I wouldn't be doing this. My H doesn't deserve it; neither does his wife. It's shitty and awful. I don't want to be in this position!!!

stumblymonkey · 08/02/2016 20:18

You have all the opportunity in the world to not be in this position.

You say it's not black and white but you have the power in your hands to make it black and white. Either leaving MM and having counselling to see if you can make your marriage better or leave DH and tell MM to do the same or leave you alone...

BunnyTyler · 08/02/2016 20:20

Agree Stumbly.
I have had really strong connections with 2 people whilst married - probably crossed the boundary between appropriate contact outwith work if I'm honest, but I didn't make the leap to sexual contact/relationship.
My husband did though, he chose to do that - no one forced him.
There is always a choice.

BunnyTyler · 08/02/2016 20:20

Stumbly, I do wonder sometimes if the bipolar gets me through - I am INVINCIBLE!!!!!

bb888 · 08/02/2016 20:37

Daenerys2

If you aren't happy why not leave?

TheFormidableMrsC · 08/02/2016 20:40

Stumblymonkey, find your dismissal of how some people are affected by these situations incredibly insulting. It's pretty difficult to come to terms with wasting 15 years of your life on somebody you loved more than anything, difficult to come to terms with realising that no matter what you did, he has spent your entire marriage shagging other people, it is difficult to come to terms with the horrific ongoing abuse I and my children have suffered at the hands of these two malicious c*s, let alone being left to bring up an autistic 4 yo at 46 years old. You really have no idea. I am unlikely to ever come to terms with what has been meted out to me and indeed my children, although on the surface you would see that I am absolutely fine. It has nearly destroyed me actually.

withaspongeandarustyspanner · 08/02/2016 21:12

I didn't ever talk about how 'awful' it was or wet the bed or let it impact me.

Hmm Are you sure?

I said upthread I thought you were an unreliable witness (I think it was you - apologies if I've got the wrong name), and I still stick by that. Not only do you feel no remorse, you can't see what the problem with getting divorced is. I think what happened to you affected you more than you realise. You seem really cold, emotionally. Or maybe that's just how your posts come across.

Daenerys2 · 08/02/2016 21:20

I have told my H countless times I want to split up. H won't leave the home as he will miss the children. I am not goin to leave my children either. He is a decent person and I'm struggling with what I'm doing. I want the feelings I have for the OM to be the ones I have for my H.

BunnyTyler · 08/02/2016 21:23

MrsC, you will get over it eventually but you have to let yourself.
You're own circumstances are infinitely harder than mine - my kids are 10 & 13 so are older than your DS, they also don't have the additional needs that your DS does.

I found this picture when I was having a particularly difficult moment in the aftermath of finding out about my husband's affair and it is so true.
You haven't just got to deal with the pain of what he did to you by his shagging around, you've also got your daily struggles, and also him and his latest conquest treating you appallingly.

Be kind to yourself and let yourself be angry, sad, numb etc - you are going through a grieving process and you have to ride the wave until the end.

Lots and lots of love to you, and Thanks

BunnyTyler · 08/02/2016 21:30

Also, my 10 yr old wet the bed a few times after it all came out about his dad, so it is not uncommon.
Both boys went through a period of sleeping in my bed afterwards too.

It came as a huge, life-changing shock to the pair of them - their happy family split up in the blink of an eye and their questioning everything about their past memories.
(We were very happy, and did loads together, he was just messaging/shagging someone as well as me Hmm).

bb888 · 08/02/2016 21:32

Daenerys2

There must be a way out? Does your H know that you are having an affair? That might help him understand that it is really over in your mind, and start to think about how things can work out going forward.

confusionoftheillusion · 09/02/2016 12:48

formidablemrsC - your ex sounds like an extremely nasty man and i am sorry you had to go through that. The point i was trying (unsuccessfully!) to make was that the "forsaking all others" part of the marriage vows seems to be the one that it is NEVER ok to break but people (both men and women) seem to forget that there are the other vows which are just as important. It's not just about loving someone, but about showing them they are loved - both for them men and women. It is a shame you are going to let your ex's behaviour define the rest of your life though. Be the bigger person, don't let your anger and bitterness affect the kids.

confusionoftheillusion · 09/02/2016 12:50

Strawberry - if you want to be with you MM tell him he leaves his wife or you're no contact and the affair is over. You are worth so much more.

If he leaves then you can move on together, if he doesn't then you have saved yourself a lifetime of feeling "second best" .

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/02/2016 13:15

confusionoftheillusion. The ONLY person who forgot the vows in our marriage was my ex-husband. Bitter, no? Glad to be rid of the fucking arsehole. What upsets me is the effect on my children and the mindblowing cruelty of him and his vile sidekick. You are very trite in your comments about vows and their importance given your own affair! Huge double standards. Please don't patronise me with "be the bigger person" comments, perhaps you ought to go and read my threads and see exactly what I have had to deal with before you advise me on how I should be moving forward. Damn right it's a "shame". My ex knew how much he was loved. He told me quite clearly it "wasn't enough". No, he needs Godlike worship. Prick.

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/02/2016 13:22

...following on from which, how DARE you suggest that my "anger and bitterness" as perceived by you affects my kids. What do you know about my kids? The only person who has affected them is him. Me, my wider family and indeed his have done everything to support me and ensure my children are happy, loved and secure. I fought tooth and nail without a solicitor to keep the roof of their heads and won, when he was happy to see us homeless. He does nothing absolutely zero to support me with my ASD 4 yo. He wrote vile letters to my daughter. Yet somehow you are of the opinion that I am failing them in some way? Fucking hell......

FellOutOfBedTwice · 09/02/2016 13:27

TheFormisableMrsC I'm very sorry for how you've been treated. Whilst I stand by that I don't think life is black and white and that not all mistresses are amoral whores and not all affairs are the result of evil people banding together to get their kicks, you've been treated appallingly and from reading your other threads it sounds like your ex is a sociopath with no morals or emotions. It sounds like you're doing a damn good job under the circumstances. Flowers

FredaMayor · 09/02/2016 13:37

Be the bigger person, don't let your anger and bitterness affect the kids.

What a fatuous comment. Nobody tells the injured party what to do or how to feel but him/herself.

It may be common, but there is still no justification, no mitigating circumstances for homewrecking. The OW can sit and bitch all she likes about how things are not going her way when all she was doing was saving him from his shitawful marriage. Yes, he was a dog to cheat but that doesn't make OW some sort of innocent party. Suck it up OWs of the world, it's you next.

BunnyTyler · 09/02/2016 13:46

It's not just about loving someone, but about showing them they are loved - both for them men and women.

How trite,
The poor, poor MM who just needs to feel loved. The wife who isn't giving her all to her 'man'.
Yawn.

It is a shame you are going to let your ex's behaviour define the rest of your life though. Be the bigger person, don't let your anger and bitterness affect the kids.

Wow. How thoroughly patronising.
'My' OW said I was 'coming across as bitter' and 'needed to be the bigger person, accept what had happened, move on & stop playing the victim' (she said this to me 3 weeks after I found out about them).

Wouldn't it have been better though, for my husband to have been all of those things and just been honest with me?

Why is it the shit upon party that has to be so fucking upstanding and moral?

Ffs.

confusionoftheillusion · 09/02/2016 13:51

Sorry mrsC - I wasn't saying that your anger and bitterness was affecting your kids! Just that in experience most people's does so I was encouraging you not to let yours do that. But great for you that yours doesn't. Your kids are very lucky to have a mum who can do that!

My ex H physically attacked me as well and my DPs ex emotionally abused him - definitely NOT excuses for an affair but whenever this is brought up on mumsnet people will always minimise it - or predicatably say that of course his ex didn't EA him... that he was just saying it to get his end away. My point here is that 4 people in the marriages broke vows but the people who are characterised as the villains are the ones who broke the "fidelity" vow.

Anyway - i think our discussion and situations perfectly highlight the fact that there are a myriad of situations where people have affairs and many different types of OM and OW.... You can't put people into a pot and characterise them all in the same way.

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/02/2016 13:53

FellOutOfBedTwice, I didn't at any point say that all mistresses are amoral whores at all...in my own family there has been one specific situation that I have huge sympathy with. However, it is a decision you make...despite knowing the devastating effects on that person's family...and that goes for OM's aswell. You have total control over how you behave and the path you tread. I do get a little bit tired of those who appear to think they have no control over their genitals and they "can't help it". You can. At least have the decency to end your marriage/relationship first and realise that the other person's whole life has imploded, thus treat them with some decency and respect. Three of my friends in RL are going through this at the moment, it is horrific to watch. I like to think that they can see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that you do find a way through. As angry as I get about this, I am much much happier now. I know that I am better off without the nasty POS, however, some scars just don't heal.

confusionoftheillusion · 09/02/2016 13:56

bunny - i can't believe she told you to move on after 3 weeks.
That is really ridiculous.

Yes- your husband should have just left you and been honest that he didn't want to be with you any more.

You don't have to be upstanding but the problem is that everyone else moves on so when the party who was "left" is still being bitter and angry it doesn't hurt anybody except themselves. It's really hard I get it but wouldn't it be better for yourself to try and not have so much negative feeling.

You're well shot of someone who didn't love you. It's total shit that it happened to you but you really don't have to let it define the rest of your life.