Why would anyone become the OW?

[StillAgainstTheWind]

I am mystified as to why any woman would knowingly become the OW.

My friend's marriage was destroyed by her DH's affair last year. Why would any woman choose to sleep with a married man especially one with children?

Statiscally I imagine those affairs that end in a happy, faithful marriage between the affair partners are a tiny minority.

Getting a shag from a single bloke isn't fucking difficult. If a woman is just after sex there's plenty of options other than a married man.

And if it's the soulmates bullshit, well it takes a lot of fucking steps to get to the point of feeling that way.

The reality for most is, I would guess, a snatched hour or two of furtive fucking. Lots of time waiting around for a call or text. Being let down at the last minute.

Why would anyone settle for so little? You hear of women who wait years for the man to leave and he never does. Their whole life on hold waiting for an event that doesn't happen.

How is it justified by OW morally. The man is the one who made the vows I guess?

My friend's husband was a knob anyway and was thinking with his dick. But he didn't make the OW any promises and months later I can't see the appeal for her.

Bunnytyler- I agree, any one of us could've been the ow several times over, it's not that hard to find a dickhead married man, but some, maybe most, of us wouldn't go there for all the reasons outlined on here.

Yeh, they're easy to find. Trying to find a single man who wants a relationship is a struggle mind you.

blahblah - your story sounds very similar to mine!

formidablemrsC - your post struck a cord. I'm sorry your H cheated on you. I do think how you greet someone when they come home from a hard day at work is really important. It sets the tone for the rest of the evening. I always make sure I come to the door to give DP a big squeeze if not right away then as soon as I physically can. My DP said his ex didn't bother being nice when he walked in and just started nagging and I can see how that would just make you not want to come home to that. Not saying it makes it right to cheat but whilst being faithful is important so are the other vows... "To love and to cherish" etc... I think the little things are important.

As for wondering if DP will cheat on me....

I've always said for me he is someone who cheated on his ex, not someone who is a cheater.

I trust him. I do think however I am more mindful of the things which leave marriages vulnerable and the triggers to cheating. I think this would be the same whether I was with DP or someone else... Probably because I was the one who had an affair too.

FellOutOfBedTwice
^^
^I could have been the OW countless several times over if I had wanted to - but I didn't. That is the difference between me and people who choose to be the OW.

Oh well, bully for you BunnyTyler. Perhaps you didn't mean to be offensive, but that is^ offensive. Life isn't that black and white.

Lol at the idea that it is 'offensive' to suggest that the difference between me and OW is that, unlike them, I chose not to be!
Are you for real??
It is exactly the reason, because I said 'no' - any OW could have said no also, but chose not to for whatever reason.

Bunny fair enough. All OWs are bad people, no exceptions there. eyeroll I hope the view is nice from up there on your high horse, may you never take a tumble from it.

I never said they were all bad people!

Please do point out where I said they were all bad people.
I said that they didn't say 'no', which they didn't.

Apologies, that was how I inferred the tone of your post. If I misread, I'm very sorry.

confusionoftheillusion, thanks very much for your "insightful" post into my marriage. Of course, my ex-h absolutely deserved to be worshipped when he walked through the door. I made a huge mistake when I didn't fall at his feet while trying to stop a then undiagnosed autistic two year old smash his head open on every available surface day in and day out. I really failed there. The truth is, my ex-h is a serial, long term cheater, he has cheated on everybody he has ever had a relationship with, he has moved from one single mother to the next, to be immediately housed, he physically and emotionally abused my daughter (a fact I discovered only after his departure as she hid it from me), he chases money, has assaulted me, financially and emotionally abused us from the moment he left along with his vile bitch of an OW. Yes, I must have absolutely awful to have been loyal, faithful, looked after myself to look good for him, supported his career at the cost of my own, had a child he begged for when I was 42 years old, washed, cooked, cleaned and did everything for him while he disappeared off trying to shag anything that moved. I took my vows very seriously thank you, unfortunately he didn't. You really have spoken like a true OW.

Fwiw I do believe that nice people do bad things sometimes.
People are not just 'goodies' and 'baddies' - sometimes people meet and fall in love.

It's the whole long term affair thing that grates with me - if you (not you personally, general 'you') and someone else seriously believe you have that sort of connection and want to be together, then you should say 'no, I won't be the OW. If you want to end your marriage then end it because you want to, not because of me. Come and find me when you have sorted out yourself'.
Why hang on for years and years, waiting?

When I met my MM there wasn't any chasing, we clicked when we met but nothing happened for a good few months. My DH at the time was a bastard and we were living as flat mates really, I was in the process of leaving him anyway (I really wasn't looking for another relationship) it was only after a while that me and MM started talking and finally realised what we had in common and how unhappy we both were that something happened, never once did he bad mouth his wife but I saw how badly she treated him and he really was long suffering. Lots of people said how unhappy he was too in his marriage.

Not all OW's are bad people, I'm certainly not, I'm just someone who did a bad thing at the wrong time, had we waited until we actually split with our partners all would have been fine.

His ex-wife is still very venomous and very much plays the victim but people very quickly got tired of the act and 10 years down the line it does wear a bit thin. She's tried to split us up several times and all sorts. Unfortunately for her each time she's been proven to be a liar so who out of the pair of us is the bad one?

Confusion
Perhaps that is why my husband cheated on me then!
Because when he started I had a baby and a 3 yr old and worked full time, including shift work.

If only I had been able to dash off from work to squeeze my man tightly on his return to the home! Perhaps with a fetching ribbon in my hair or a new sweater??

BlahBlah, while I have no interest in my ex-h and his OW, they are both so full of poison they are welcome to eachother, I can totally see why the ex-w in your situation is feeling "venomous". I know that some people never recover from that sort of betrayal. I think it is very disrespectful of you to describe her as "playing the victim". It's a bit like absolutely underestimating the damage these situations do to the children involved. It is horrific. Of course, you can justify it all when it's not happening to you.

Gosh, if only I had realised that my ex-h needed a big old cuddle when he walked in and it may have stopped him from being the entitled cheating wanker he actually is . I am so well shot of him.

Hate to tell you all this but I am an OW. It's hell. I worked with someone for 7 years, went on countless nights out and even shared a taxi but nothing happened. Then last year it did. I'm in love with him but married with two children. So is he. It's a terrible situation for everyone and I wish I didn't have feelings for him but I do. It is awful.

My heart bleeds for you.

MrsC even after 10 years?!

Daenerys, here's a radical idea!

Why don't you and your paramour take a break from each other to sort out your existing marital situations, and then when you are both free you can make an honest, guilt free go of things?

Would love to.

BlahBlah...like I said, some people never recover. Unless you have been on the receiving end of something like this, you can't possibly understand or even start to empathise. A close friend's mother descended into alcoholism from which she has never been able to recover from. Her life was ruined. I would not ever want to be responsible for inflicting that on another human being. You really do have no idea.

...and then you get people like "confusionoftheillusion" spouting utterly ludicrous comments about the importance of marriage vows to the cheated on wife, when she is an OW herself. The double standards are breathtaking!!

I never thought I'd ever be in the position of comparing myself to an ow because I truly and stupidly believed my marriage to my best friend and soul mate was rock solid...
Now I know how it feels to have my H betray me I will never ever understand why or how one person can happily and willingly get involved with a married person..I don't get how someone can contribute to causing so much hurt to another person and their children..
Maybe and hopefully I don't 'get' it because I don't have it in Me to be so cruel..

So I'm going to add what will be a very unpopular opinion but I just can't see that being cheated on and getting divorced is such a terrible experience.

Don't get me wrong...I understand it would hurt a great deal and that divorces are messy and difficult. However part of me thinks "first world problems".

I suppose I say this because I went through a lot as a child....alcoholic, abusive father and everything that entailed. Having to leave in the middle of the day to escape him. On and off contact meaning ongoing abuse until 10. I didn't ever talk about how 'awful' it was or wet the bed or let it impact me.

I'm sorry but don't you just hurt for a while, get some therapy, dust yourself off and think 'well, I dodged a bullet and am glad I no longer have to be with that arse' and move on. Similarly as a child I've been through the whole broken family with much more harmful circumstances, kids are resilient and get through things.

I know I'll be flamed for this opinion but I really don't think it's the worst thing in the world.

*Would love to
*
So do it then.

Not black and white though is it.

Well it sort of is really, to be perfectly honest.

Are you happy in your marriage? If no, then separate. If yes, then stop fucking around with someone else and give your full attention to your husband and children.
The same for him.

It really is that simple.