My friend has been really rude to my DS

[Greedylittlehamster]

My DS (17) owed his friend (18) £10 from several months ago and had forgotten to pay it back. His friend had reminded him once a few weeks ago by text and DS said that his friend could drop round sometime and get the money. DS was hoping to see the friend and spend some time with him if he dropped by as they haven't seen each other in ages. My DS clearly wasn't viewing the problem as important as he says him and all his friends always borrow money off each other and it all evens out in the end as they buy things for each other.

DS's friend's mum is one of my friends and we meet up each week with other friends as a group. She had reminded me a couple of times that my DS owed her DS money and I had reminded my DS and told him to prioritise paying him back as it was obviously a concern. Thinking back I should have just given her the money but I felt my DS should take responsibility.

A couple of days ago, I was out and my DS was in the house on his own in the shower and he heard a very loud hammering on the front door. It must have been loud as he was in the shower at the other end of the house with music blaring out. He ignored it as he was in the shower and then he heard the house phone ringing and ringing so he got out of the shower and answered it. It was my friend at the door. She demanded that he get dried and dressed and come to the door and pay her DS back the money even though it would mean he would not have breakfast and may be late for work. Once he was downstairs and opened the door she really laid into him saying it was a disgusting way to treat his friend and how unacceptably he had behaved and accused him of getting back in the shower and leaving her waiting. She ranted on for a bit. DS did not have the money in the house so she made him get in her car and she drove him to the cash point. Both of her DS's were also in the car watching all of this. DS then had to drive 45 minutes to work and do an 8 hour shift having eaten nothing until his break much later. DS was very upset about the whole thing but kept his temper in front of her.

DS was in the wrong for not repaying the money and he admits that and I hope has learnt a lesson but I feel my friend's reaction was very over the top. If my DS owed someone £10 at 18 years old, I would not get involved. My son (17) has been very shaken by her aggressive manner and I will now have to meet her later in the week and am worried what I say to her and if I should stick up for my son even though he should have paid the money back in the first place. She is bound to say something when we meet as she is likely to feel pleased with herself. She also upset one of the other friends in our group before Christmas when she phoned my friend and told her off for her DS not contacting her DS regularly and how bad it was after all her family had done for my other friend. My other friend was very upset about this as it was the second time that it had happened and her DS is feeling forced into a friendship with the other young man by the actions of his mother.

I don't want to upset my friendship group but I do feel she is overstepping the mark.

"If It had been me in the house ... I would have been scared."

Of course you would be! You'd ring the police FFS.

Mental woman.

She's overreacted massively however had your ds paid back the money several months ago when he borrowed it there wouldn't be several months of festering resentment about the principal of borrowing money and not paying back to fuel the fire. Next time your ds should not borrow what he can't afford/be bothered to pay back as ultimately that laissez faire attitude to other people's money has led to this situation. As for your friend she's doing what mums do, that is stick up for their offspring, maybe over enthusiastically it would seem. It would be a shame if your relationship broke down over you both taking stances over a situation caused by your ds some months ago.

I leant £10 to a friend when I was in my early twenties. I asked for it back several times and it didn't materialise. When I turned up the pressure he got another friend to pay me and was heard saying "he doesn't need it anyway" (I did)

In your shoes I'd have either made sure he paid him in an acceptable time frame or paid his mother on his behalf.

At the very least you need to confront her about the way in which she handled the situation. She shouldn't have taken matters in to her own hands in quite a manner given your "friendship"

Funnily enough I just posted on another thread about how hard it is to cut out someone when they are part of a friendship group.

I am in a similar position to you OP ( for different but equally anger inducing reasons) and am torn between just keeping my icy distance and biting my tongue, or going nuclear and potentially isolating myself from this group.

In your case it does sound as though other members of the group are vexed with her, so maybe you will get support if you have it out with her?

DS's friend isn't a best friend. They were closer at one time but they've both made other friends over the past 2 years and only see each other occasionally. My friend is desperate that my DS, her DS and my other friend's DS maintain the close group of 3 that they all had a few years ago but they've all moved on. Her DS has one particular new friend that he spends a lot of time with but they are up to things my DS doesn't want to get involved with. My friend keeps pestering my other friend's DS to spend time with her DS and this is what she upset my other friend about before Christmas. Interestingly, my DS says he feels sorry for her DS and has been texting him since the incident. He says he will stay friends with him but he will never go round to her house again. My DS wants to text my friend to say how he felt after the incident at the weekend. I asked him to wait a couple of days to calm down and he is thinking of doing it tonight.

It became your battle when she got involved.

Hormone city.
I would mention in a civil way that I thought the door hammering was a bit full-on given that nobody had stolen a car etc. Then I would cool down the relationship for a bit.

She was indeed over the top. And I'd probably distance myself from her.

But...
He has form for it. He had been reminded several times. He dad the gall to tell his friend to go and collect the money some time.
It was unfortunate that he couldn't answer the door at the time, but I can see how it looks from the point of view of his friend and his mother that he won't answer the door or his phone. Particularly after avoiding paying it back for so long.
To be honest, he does deserve a good kicking up his arse regarding his casual attitude towards money he owes.
I hope you are so angry with him as with your friend.

So you were not even there and are hearing your son's version of what happened, you maybe need to speak to her to find out what her story of it is...?

BTW, I hope your DS has apologised to his friend about the money in addition to feeling sorry for him and for himself.

So you were not even there and are hearing your son's version of what happened, you maybe need to speak to her to find out what her story of it is...?

^ this

She sounds quite mad, but frankly your son should have paid it back. He didn't pay, the friend had to ask, he still didn't pay, just told friend to come and collect it which is pretty rude, she even mentioned it to you and nothing happened. It must have seemed to them (as it does to me) that he had no intention of paying and that you're ok with that. Maybe she thought this was the only way to get back the money your son seemed reluctant to pay.

I think she should allow her adult son to sort his own life out. Your son should have paid it back sooner, but she is absolutely ridiculous. I would absolutely tell her what I thought and have nothing more to do with her.

Actually I do have some sympathy with your friends DS. My DD (17) bought a birthday present for a friend recently for £90 - a group of them were all putting in £10 each. It took a while for some of her friends to pay up and 1 still hasn't! My DD should have got the money in advance, I know ....and now she knows. I know where the unpaid girl works part-time and I have been very tempted to say something to her!

Even if you DS NEVER paid it back it was still not the place of this howling lunatic woman to come knocking your door down and forcing your lad to a cashpoint. Isn't that called kidnap in some circumstances? Fuck the friendship group - seriously - as a PP said you need to grow a spine and stand up for your DS here. There is no planet on which her behaviour is acceptable and she/the group needs to know that.

She was well over the top. But your son was in the wrong and had ignored the situation for months and then put the onus on his friend to come and collect.

If it was only £10 then why didn't he just pay it back? He could have done a transfer using online/mobile/telephone banking but didn't? I'm with Lweji - he deserves a kick up the arse but the other boy's mum's reaction was weird.

And you don't need to be so precious about not having breakfast, I'm pretty sure he coped. Especially as he had a break later.

You and your son are out of order. Poor mite didn't eat his breakfast? Ffs. Both your friend and her son have been politely asking for the payment and have been brushed aside. Your son is rude and good on your friend for teaching him consequences. I'd be apologising to her not going mental because your 17 year old couldn't be arsed to pay back what he owed.

Greedy

Yes, your DS should have paid up sooner, however, he did ask this friend to come around who then didn't.

He, handled this situation well and I would also feel sorry for this other boy who is 18 (so an adult) with a very overbearing mother. I think you need to support him and I would ask to see her or text and tell her in no uncertain terms that her behaviour was uncalled for batshit and that she was to stay away from your son/home.

Also, what is it with her trying to force these boys to best friends...? It's very overbearing I feel sorry for any significant other this friend has, I can imagine she would demonstrate similar behaviour if she didn't agree with something.

Well your DS was in the wrong for not paying back the money, but if it's a situation that's normal between him and his friends, then this woman was bang out of line for doing what she did. Even if it's not normal, she was still bang out of order for intimidating a 17yo in his own home like that.

The main thing that worries me in your posts is that your Ds feels that she stuck up for her son, but that you won't do the same for him, you'd rather keep her sweet than stand up to her over this. That's not good. (And he's right, to be fair, even though he was in the wrong to start with - as I said, if it's normal for him and his friends, he probably didn't realise how important that tenner was).

The insistence that this woman has, that her DS and yours, and this other woman's, should all stay close friends is going to ruin her DS's friendships, as well as her own. You can't force friends.

If I were you, I'd still stand up for my son - not because of the tenner but because she intimidated him - there was no need for that. And I wouldn't keep her on as a friend either.

My friend is very interfering. In the past she has annoyed me and other friends my stepping in and telling our DCs off for things that have nothing to do with her before we have had the chance to do it ourselves. Her DS has done all sorts of things to my DSs over the years particularly my younger DS who is 5 years younger and I have been very careful how to handle the situation so as not to upset the friendship. If her DS didn't receive a party invitation at primary school she would contact the mother and ask if there was a mistake. It happened to me and I felt obliged then to invite him. I wonder if she might have had problems with bullying and friendships at school and didn't want her DSs to suffer the same. I wasn't close to her until about 2 years ago when me and my best friend (who she also upset recently) started to meet her and another friend (who is very nice) weekly.

I think I will speak to the other 2 friend tonight and see how they feel given they know her history too.

Greedy- I don't think you need to involve your friend tonight. Just tell this woman she had no right to bang at your door and yell at your son, and that you won't be discussing this matter again .

She has totally over-reacted but as others have said, this has been festering for a while so you have to look at it from her point of view. Her DS has probably been venting his frustration that despite asking for the money he wasn't getting it back. This sounds like it was a last resort, nuclear, inappropriate reaction, but probably fueled by her annoyance at having to get involved at all.

In your place I would feel the need to point out that her reaction was inappropriate/OTT/needlessly aggressive or whatever, but I would start by accepting that it was my DS who was in the wrong in the first place and that he has not behaved well. I don't see why, at 17 or 18 parents should not get involved to the extent of pointing out what is or is not acceptable and giving appropriate guidance to young adults in this situation. That can also extend to politely speaking to the person who owes the debt or their parent if that debt is not paid back. That's what she should have done.

The fact that she dealt with it in the way she did must have been upsetting and shocking for your DS. But, it will make him less careless next time and he will realise that behind such unacceptable behaviour there might be very real anxieties about money, friendship, taking people for fools etc. and that when one treats people like he did her DS, one doesn't know what resentments one might provoke, so we ignore personal debts at our peril I'm afraid OP.

From your later posts, she sounds mad, I'm afraid.

I'd be steering clear - after telling her how rude and inappropriate her behaviour was. Loon. And let your other friends know exactly what happened before she tells them her version!

All this over a tenner???