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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I making too much of this? sorry may be tmi...

164 replies

HashTagYesYes · 24/01/2016 08:49

I have been seeing a guy for a few months. In general he is quite affectionate and tactile which is fine, but I don't like it when he uses a very "light" touch, I find it tickly and annoying I have told him this several times, but he still insists on doing it, and actually seems to do it on purpose as he thinks it's funny to wind me up. It's starting to piss me off now.

In bed he is usually great - very unselfish and skilled. BlushHowever this morning he had ahem been stimulating me manually and brought me to orgasm. I thought it was pretty obvious that I had come but he carried on so I attempted to push his hand away, however he carried on. (He is 6'4" and strong) he then moved me into a different position and I thought perhaps we were going to have sex, but again he continued rubbing away and tbh it was uncomfortable and I really didn't like it. So I told him to stop another couple of times but he had me held quite tightly so I shouted for him to stop and heaved him off me so that he was in no doubt, he then tried to move me into a position to have sex but I wriggled out from underneath him and said no I didn't want to, and he stopped trying. I rolled over and lay there in silence and we have gone about our day as if nothing has happened.

I am wondering wtf did happen? He is meant to be meeting my dd this afternoon for the first time, but I don't know wtf to do now... Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Catnuzzle · 24/01/2016 10:25

It's seems funny he's chosen to behave this way just before meeting your DD for the first time. Like he's testing to see how you will react to his assault (and yes this was a criminal assault).
If you introduce DD to him now, he knows he can get away with treating you like shit.
I think he's deliberately chosen his timing to reveal himself to you.
Thank him as you say goodbye.

WickedWax · 24/01/2016 10:25

Why are you still even entertaining this creepy fucker being in your house after that?

CityMole · 24/01/2016 10:26

Who gives a fuck about train tickets. He has carried on touching you against your wishes, he isn't listening to you when you tell him not to touch you in certain ways. It can be easy to make a mistake when sussing out boundaries but having been told you've overstepped a line, the thing to do is studiously avoid that line- not go straight back to it. He isn't listening to your cues, and you've already given him a chance. Time for a serious chat. Personally,this would turn my stomach and I'd have to cut ties now, but if you still want to salvage something, then he needs to realise how serious to is and to dramatically change his attitude. I think for today, at least, he needs to leave.

Costacoffeeplease · 24/01/2016 10:26

But he's still there making coffee and running a bath, so he obviously doesn't know you're fuming - or doesn't care - are you not going to dump him?

Waltermittythesequel · 24/01/2016 10:27

So you're staying with him??

Not attacking, just asking.

Original poster
HashTagYesYes · 24/01/2016 10:30

Funnily enough he has been the one putting pressure on me to meet dd and I have remained firm up until now, the only reason I have arranged it now is that I thought we were ready and it made sense logistically. But then last night he was saying he felt nervous about meeting her it was big deal etc! Well no shit, I have been saying that all along!

I am going to confront he properly. But I am just having a bath and building up my courage/working out what to say. I just feel I need to get my head straight.

OP posts:
FrancesNiadova · 24/01/2016 10:31

Why don't you sit down at opposite sides of the table, where you can discuss what happened & why it happened.
You can tell him calmly how you feel & how he's creeped you out & how abusive that behaviour is.
If he tries to brush it under the carpet, or gets aggressive when you call him out on his behaviour, then you'll know that you have to end the relationship.
Hope you're OK & that you get this resolved, 1 way or the other. BrewFlowers

Original poster
HashTagYesYes · 24/01/2016 10:31

No I have no intention of staying with him

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 24/01/2016 10:33

Ah ok, good Smile it was just the way you said he mustn't touch you again, made it seem as though you were trying to set a boundary for the future relationship.

HopefulHamster · 24/01/2016 10:34

He's just done it again to you? Okay not the sexual thing but tickling is pretty bad. He will be saying to himself (or even out loud to you) it's 'only' tickling, but it's still a physical action against your consent that is upsetting you, yes? So what does he get out of it? It can only be upsetting you and feeling powerful.

I'm sorry you are feeling attacked, it's prob because this is all making you confront it and you don't want to rush to do that.

But please bear in mind we are supporting you.

Letting him get away with it is telling him it's okay.

And it's really really not.

You need to make sure he knows how serious you are. Escalate the shit out of it.

Either he somehow doesn't get it, and is being a genuine fool.

Or he's a massive bellend.

80/20 to bellend at the moment, sorry.

Cleensheetsandbedding · 24/01/2016 10:36

You need to open your eyes.

Yo actually care more about this weirdo than your own feelings. He carried on making you sexually uncomfortable yet you don't want to tell him to go home because of train costs. Confused

He has just over stepped your boundaries again.

Let's just hope he doesn't do that with your child hey?

QuiteLikely5 · 24/01/2016 10:36

Urghhh he's been putting the pressure on to meet her has he?

This story makes me feel sick......

cailindana · 24/01/2016 10:37

He assaulted you, then acted 'hurt' when you challenged him about. He's one very small step away from a rapist.

No need to confront, just get him out of your life asap.

Cleensheetsandbedding · 24/01/2016 10:37

All you say is .

'You need to go home. I'm not ready for you to meet dd''

You dont owe him nothing. He fucked up - not you

Cleensheetsandbedding · 24/01/2016 10:38

This reply has been deleted

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MadamCroquette · 24/01/2016 10:38

You can get out of this situation and make sure he doesn't meet DD.

What he did was criminal. You asked him to stop and he didn't. At that point it became sexual assault. Just as it would be rape if you said no to sex and he did it anyway.

I'd be a bit scared of him so I would let ex know something serious has come up and to keep DD until you can get there, and then I'd call the police to remove him. You don't have to have someone staying with you who has assaulted you. Once police are there, tell him it's over and you don't want to see him again. Call off the trip. It can all be done.

IMO this man is the type who will get a power trip from overriding your wishes and doing what he likes with your body (and probably other aspects of life). He's testing you now to see what you will put up with. If you let this go, I'd predict it will get worse.

He doesn't live with you, you don't have DC together –get him out now.

HopefulHamster · 24/01/2016 10:40

How old is your dd?

Good luck OP.

NoahVale · 24/01/2016 10:52

that is awful Thanks

Theimpossiblegirl · 24/01/2016 10:52

OP, this must be hard for you, but there is a saying on MN- when a man shows you who he is, believe him. This is a massive red flag and for your sake and your DD's, throw him out today. Can you go on the break with DD or a friend? if not, a bit of money lost is nothing compared to the loss to your confidence, self esteem and happiness if you put up with his shit.

Have a you got a RL friend you can call for support?

Original poster
HashTagYesYes · 24/01/2016 10:52

He has not been putting pressure on me to meet her per se, just asking to stay at times when he knows I have her.

This is real, I have no idea why you'd think it wouldn't be? I have already said I am not going to let him meet dd, so I don't know why I am getting all the vitriol. I thought mumsnet was meant to have a culture of "we believe you" and no victim blaming. Anyway I am locked in the bathroom feeling sick and about to go out and tell him I want him to go. I have texted a couple of my real life friends and said that I don't think me and him are going to work out and are they available for a chat later. One of them I know is on annual leave as well and was asking what I was doing. So I am gong to see if she wants to go on the spa break with me (I booked and paid for it)

OP posts:
HopefulHamster · 24/01/2016 10:54

hey, most of us are being supportive. Have a virtual hug and a shot of courage and we will be on your side.

Theimpossiblegirl · 24/01/2016 10:54

OP, ignore the not-so-subtle Trollhunting from Cleensheets. We are here to support you.

Original poster
HashTagYesYes · 24/01/2016 10:55

I know - big thanks to all that are being supportive Thanks

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 24/01/2016 10:57

Perhaps have your friend come around in, say, 30 minutes?

At least then you'll know you have someone on the way.

pocketsaviour · 24/01/2016 10:57

OP, the fact you are seeing "vitriol" in posts where actually people have been very supportive (apart from one person who was troll-hunting, which is more to do with the plethora of trolls we've had lately and much less to do with you) makes me think you're suppressing your actual feelings of trauma and fear from last night, when you were sexually assaulted.

Do you have a friend you could call to come over while you tell him to get his shit and go home?

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