I'm not going to answer the SS question as that's been done.
I am going to ask you to consider what you are doing to your children.
Alarm bells ringing all over the place as you justify your desires by letting your children decide what happens next. Using them to say that's what they want, it must be the best thing...
I also have questions over the two adults and their roles. But only you can answer that and you want to be the bad guy? So, hey, it's 6 of 1, half a dozen of the other? And after all, it's not that bad right? Just a, err, 'scuffle', just two grown adults fighting... In front of their children. Nothing really happened right? So normal, everyone has relationship problems right?
Ok so, you're an abuser like him, that's fine. Both of you do this. Both of you stop. You can't control him so stop yourself.
You need to stop your violence and out of control behavior.
He needs to stop his violence and out of control behavior.
Then see if you can actually live like that, without the screaming arguments where you so completely lose any self control that you're not sure what damage you did to him. And be a bit confused about why there is a shoe print on your face. What world do you live in that that is ok? Or just a bit rubbish, but fine if you say sorry? Everybody does it... Right?
When you accept that there is NO excuse for behaving like that and there is NO way you can be a good parent and behave in that way. There's no excuse for this, this is not a one off or a mistake that can be explained away. Maybe then you can start being a good parent.
It's like this. A violent parent can never be a good parent. A nonviolent parent may or may not be a good parent. Not hitting isn't a definition of good parenting, it's a minimum entry requirement.
This violence is terrifying. And terror is the gift that keeps on giving, in families. Kids are amazing actors. And they know how to smile and hug and forgive whilst inside their heads, a bit of them freezes. And makes up its own reasons and ways to make this ok in their brains. And it hurts them, long after the incident itself.
You can choose whether or not to stay in a relationship, and in a wider social network where prison sentences can be explained away as just what happens. Or it was X or Y or Z and it's fine because blah blah blah...
Your children cannot choose. And you are not being truthful when you pretend they can.
Kids need the ones they love to do their jobs as adults. To protect and keep them from harm. To help them learn and understand the way the world works. To show them love and safety. When the scariest thing in their world happens in their house, by their mum and dad, something awful happens. They are begging for mummy and daddy to come home? You hear, your children need you both and hey, if they seem to care so much that you both are here, then they must know best... But kids don't know best. What they do know is mummy and daddy are the adults they need to survive. And that overrides everything. Especially when they are scared and damaged. In a really sad way they are begging for mum and dad to come save them from... Mum and dad.
So, you force them to grow up in a home where mummy and daddy beat the living shit out of each other, oh but it only happens 1 time, 2 times, 3 times, only once a year (so, 16 times before a child escapes and recreates it all themselves), or maybe twice a year, just at Christmas, just when we're stressed just when he said, she said, he wound me up, she started it, it's ok, the kids understand... It's nothing really.
Can you imagine your children looking at you with disgust and judgement. Parents protect and save children. Mine decided their own desires and pretenses were more important than their children.
And they know what you did. They look into your eyes and they know.
You decided to carry on when you and dad hurt each other, screaming and kicking and thumping and hauling each other around the room. Kids scared. Furniture falling? Adults falling. Scared.
It's at dinner time? Kids keeping their heads down, don't look at mummy, don't look at daddy, I'll make it happen more, it's our fault, it's my fault., I'll eat look, we're eating, smiling, joking... nothing's wrong, if we pretend it's ok then mummy and daddy will stop, if I eat my dinner, mummy and daddy will stop, if I smile and say i love you, we need you, don't go it's ok, come back... They truly believe mummy and daddy will stop if the kids just smile enough, show they understand enough, show they don't care about anything, it's all ok, don't leave us, we need you... And do they stop? Do they hell.
In that moment: Don't care about the kids, don't give a shit they're here, too angry, too into yourself, too into hurting the man you 'love' most in the world... Too into hurting the woman you love most in the world. Hit, kick, pull, shove, scream, shout, slam, scratch, hurt hurt hurt, hurt that fucker...
And so kids become the grown ups. This happens really early on. Kids know what they need to do to keep mummy and daddy happy. Kids try and be the grown ups, cos the grown ups, they're sure as hell not being the grown ups.
Please don't do what your kids SAY they want. Do what your kids need. Please don't ever justify your decisions as just doing what your kids are asking for. This is kids being the grown ups. And the grown ups using the kids to justify themselves.