social services

[nmakk]

Hi,sw visited me and my children after a domestic incident to have a chat,he was happy with my children and advised I did the freedom programme and said he'd speak to his manager to confirm if the children could see their dad supervised by their grandad.He spoke on the phone to their dad to "see what his attitude was" he said he was happy foe the contact to go ahead and that the conversation went well and he'd told him he'd arranged private therapy as he takes responsibility for his part of our problem.I've heard nothing since and their dad is on bail until the end of the month I'm wondering what happens now? Like should I expect a report should I ask for one?(I'm scared to call to check incase it's seen as bad on me) or will they not do a report until after he's been to court and will the court determine if the supervision is to continue or will sw do a report based on the outcome? I started the freedom programme and it's amazing things o never clocked as anything I am now but it's shown me I do have a good man who doesn't abuse me although we have both been horrid were definitely not abusing each other and we can work through this.please help

Just read your post. Very complicated. Feel you need to clarify things in your own mind first. Actions / who started it / reactions / where the children are / what the result is etc. Once you clearly think about what the situation actually is then you will be able to work things out. At this moment it seems that you are mourning the loss of a relationship which you wished would have gone well because you have children together. (And hey, everyone wants to be in a good relationship - just happens that some aren't!) The sooner you realise that this is what is holding you back from taking positive steps to make your children a priority and safeguard them from the chaos created by their father then the sooner you will be able to stop the cycle of abuse to you and to them. Learn to make your children your priority.

Sorry but you are trying to minimise this incident and even play it down for the children. Your poor dc did the right thing and the fact that their father is on bail and facing charges should make you realise that this is unacceptable. Maybe you did initiate the argument but the violent behaviour of you both was beyond control. If you think otherwise I suspect this may not be the first such incident and that over time your sense of perspective has become distorted. For your dc sake I hope ss do continue to be involved. What do you want from this thread?

N the fact it's public is why I'm here all you said don't change the fact the ONLY question I asked isn't being answered jist opinions being thrown.I want to know if a reports due simply so I know when to expect it before or after court the sw was happy with my kids and house and alot more positive than most on here today!

my actual question which remains unanswered - am I not to expect a report of the visit ?

You have already been told that you will get a report when they have finished their investigation.

People choosing to share their opinions and attack my intent to better myself and their dad, when I asked for facts on the matter . Opinions are fine - great, we all have our own but if you have no intentions to assist me with my query I fail to see the point responding [ my punctuation ]

Well I guess that's the difference between you and most posters . For you, it's about you and your partner "bettering yourselves" .

For most people who have replied, their concern is for your children and their welfare . And then for your physical safely . And then for your mental wellbeing .

I have to add that if you take this rather belligerent stance with the agencies who are trying to protect your children, it will not go well for you.

If ud read all my posts you'd have answered your own question

The social worker said it's always better if both sides see errors and want to and seek change.The kids are my first thought if they weren't he'd be here now but they need to see a difference in us not just their dad being punished for our arguments how long before they get resentful because they know it was a two way thing not dad abusing mom.I can't have them think I didn't do my all

I must have missed that I'll look back through now thank you

Would you prefer me play the victim and throw him in jail get a restraining order block access etc?

No. I'd prefer you to recognise that your children are the victims and to never expose them to your toxic, abusive relationship again.

They won't be so am I getting this right you guys don't believe people can change for the better and I should treat him as the bad one leaving him to his devices whilst somehow explaining to the kids why he's bad enough to be banished and not worth sorting his issues?

You each should accept responsibility but even if you both do, it doesn't mean that you have a future as a happy family. If you are volatile as a couple that will never completely disappear. Do you want your dc to live in fear that something happens, maybe worse next time, but they cannot voice that concern for fear ss split your family up.

No definitely not but I also don't want them to feel it's ok to throw away and ignore problems if I'm so very wrong for wanting them and us to be possibly reunited why does the freedom programme do family courses?? They must work else they would be no such thing same for the probation one

I think as a minimum you should accept that you shouldn't be in a relationship with each other, that you bring out the worst in each other, that you create a toxic and unsafe environment for your children.

Then start from there.

If he is the amazing father you say he is, you'll work out access and contact no problem. But you shouldn't be together. Because you hit each other.

Thank you for calling us a volatile couple rather than me an abused victim I appreciate it

He really is and that's what I feel most guilty about the fracture to their relationship

You state in your second post that you've had arguments (including physical) for 8.5 years, including one arrest and charge of common assault approx 6 years ago. Why haven't you sought help for this before? You only are now because SS are involved I think. Poor kids. 8.5 years of parents who abuse each other. What hope is there for them to ever recognise a normal, respectful relationship? And don't bother spouting any rubbish about 'the kids never heard/saw it', people who say that are deluded.

This isn't about one incident, this is a pattern of abuse that is your children's everyday life, their 'normal'. Break that pattern or break your children. The choice is yours.

It doesn't really matter who hit who or in what way when you are thinking about whether this relationship should ever continue.

What matters is that there has been violence. That the children witnessed and intervened in. He has now been prosecuted twice for violence against you.

You are now on SS' radar.

You can choose to give the relationship another go and wait to be told that your children will be removed if you don't separate but at that point everything your children would have witnessed will have damaged them forever. Why would you deliberately do that?

It is not a good sign that the children want him home. That means that they have already been traumatised by living in an abusive home - no matter who is 'to blame' for the abuse.

Think really hard about why you really want him home.

There are plenty of 'Mr right' men who have never fought with you. There are plenty of 'Mr Right' men who would never fight with you. The fact this man has is what makes him 'Mr wrong'...

If a stranger started a fight with you in the street would you think the way to deal with that was to be friends with them so that your children learned to sort out problems?

The way of sorting out a problem with physical abuse is to get out of the relationship no matter how much you love/like the person - that's the lesson they need to learn.

I did do I went to see a councillor n ended up talking about my mum n me,he's been in dential about how all his issues were affecting him and then us,perhaps I'm only pondering on us sorting us and perhaps reuniting bcz he's (so far as I heard) sought his own help finally,he might not want me at the end he may not want me now but I'd love to hear of anyone who can say they've always been I'm full control of their emotions and never acted badly because I don't know anyone personally who can tell me they've never had a loud argument that the kids can hear yes for us it was more than that but it remains nobody is perfect and to go through life thinking nothing can improve is sad

Telling you to separate or lose your DC would be your very, very last chance as far as SS are concerned. It would be because they have exhausted all other options in trying to safeguard your DC and are planning to begin care proceedings unless you recognise that the relationship is damaging them.

The situation you describe is very far from perfect and yet you still try to normalise it.

I think 8.5 years with no change (in fact escalation by the sounds of things) is enough to prove you two won't change. And carrying on risking your children's emotional wellbeing is about one of the most selfish things I've read on here.

If a stranger started a fight with me in the street I'd not hit back I'd call the police and follow through sp the persons punished ,because it's wrong always it never helps anything to hit or get angry I have to teach them along with myself the right way why is it wromg for them to know change can happen? All they have learnt I'm determined to replace with the right way.I don't want to give it another go because it doesn't need repeating it was wrong it doesn't mean I can't learn different and shouldnt mean he can't.I want them to know anything at all that happens to them there's help to sort it any problem you just have to want it

Your 11 year old calling the police after 8.5 years of violent arguments and a previous arrest and prosecution is not Something you reply 'have you/your partner never handled anything badly?' to...

This IS your relationship. Violent arguments that result in children calling the police, hospital treatment and criminal prosecutions... That is 8.5 years of your 11 year old's childhood and I'm guessing all or virtually all of your other children's.

That's the reality.

I didn't say our whole relationship has been this way at all that's how long we were together.again another talking about carrying on we ARE apart I've not tried to contact him an nor he me we are complying with social services advice fully.

IMO you can have non-violent relationships with other people but not with each other and I don't know what you are thinking if you'd risk trying...

8.5yrs of your children's lives...