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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

social services

160 replies

nmakk · 22/01/2016 10:02

Hi,sw visited me and my children after a domestic incident to have a chat,he was happy with my children and advised I did the freedom programme and said he'd speak to his manager to confirm if the children could see their dad supervised by their grandad.He spoke on the phone to their dad to "see what his attitude was" he said he was happy foe the contact to go ahead and that the conversation went well and he'd told him he'd arranged private therapy as he takes responsibility for his part of our problem.I've heard nothing since and their dad is on bail until the end of the month I'm wondering what happens now? Like should I expect a report should I ask for one?(I'm scared to call to check incase it's seen as bad on me) or will they not do a report until after he's been to court and will the court determine if the supervision is to continue or will sw do a report based on the outcome? I started the freedom programme and it's amazing things o never clocked as anything I am now but it's shown me I do have a good man who doesn't abuse me although we have both been horrid were definitely not abusing each other and we can work through this.please helpConfused

OP posts:
Offred · 22/01/2016 17:22

You want to get back with him though.

Offred · 22/01/2016 17:23

And physical violence does not come out of nowhere. There will have been other escalating abusive behaviours leading up to the physical violence starting.

SassyPasty · 22/01/2016 17:26

The fact your pondering putting your children through this again (you know, just in case you two have 'changed' Hmm ) is pretty abhorrent. What happens if it all kicks off again? Oh well, at least you tried. And the kids? Well, they only witnessed a bit more violence eh?

Original poster
nmakk · 22/01/2016 17:26

I fully acknowledge it's been damaging them and I want to sort it out I don't want them to have that In mind over the fun loving parts of us.we also haven’t had any loud disputes for a long time before this.

OP posts:
SassyPasty · 22/01/2016 17:27

*you're

thejanuarys · 22/01/2016 17:28

You have to find your 'line in the sand'. It should be the most recent incident and the one you are now getting help for.

However, if you ignore this, and continue in your misguided way of wanting the 'happy' family to continue - something that has not been there for at least the last 8.5 years - then something more serious will happen in the future. And more of your children's innocence will be stolen.

You are not the first person to go through this cycle, and you will not be the last. Just recognise that children deserve to be brought up in a safe and secure home. And that can happen with parents who are separated.

But be sure of this, it can never happen with parents who are under the same roof and who have a proven history of abuse - whatever the percentage of blame for either party.

You sound as if you have good social services involvement - use this opportunity well for the sake of your children.

Offred · 22/01/2016 17:28

But you NEED to have that in mind in front of the happy things...

Offred · 22/01/2016 17:30

You want your children to take from this 'it's ok to forget about physical violence in a relationship because there have been nice times'?

Original poster
nmakk · 22/01/2016 17:31

Indeed offred your right and without the freedom programme I'd have kept missing them over and over.I want us all happy be that apart or together as I said the question of reconciliation would ONLY arrise if we were both in a different place and it wouldn't be OK move back in it would be back to basics see of it progresss but a much longer period of getting to know eachother again would come first.My family are supportive of us and my friends agree we need help separately before anything else but I'm wondering now if my whole life's been spent with abusers and victimsConfused I just don't want them to feel if they do wromg that's it their done for

OP posts:
Original poster
nmakk · 22/01/2016 17:33

Not forget no but I don't want them thinking if they act badly there forever stuck with it can't change or move on

OP posts:
Original poster
nmakk · 22/01/2016 17:35

I've told the social worker I'm fully intent to take any and all help he can give us because it's needed I'm a little dismayed I hadn't come across the freedom programme myself beforehand

OP posts:
happygoluckylady · 22/01/2016 17:35

This is like an episode of the Jeremy Kyle show. OP, you must know that all of this is very wrong and not a normal or safe environment for your children.

Kr1stina · 22/01/2016 17:35

I can see that you have spent a great deal of time trying to think of reasons why it would be best for your children if you and their dad got back together. .

Offred · 22/01/2016 17:38

It certainly sounds as if you may have gone from a really bad abusive relationship into a less bad abusive relationship.

The way your children will learn that you don't stay or end up in abusive relationships is by you showing them that there is life without abuse.

You are half right, they need to learn there is life after abuse but it is much more likely the children won't be in an abusive environment if you don't get back with your x ever and if you work on really understanding how you have ended up in two relationships that are abusive for most of your life.

Hedgehogsdontbite · 22/01/2016 17:40

I've been with my husband for 20 years. We have had disagreements but we talk about them. He has never so much as raised his voice to me. Your perspective is so warped you don't even recognise how far from normal your relationship is.

Offred · 22/01/2016 17:41

Fixing it rarely involves going back in time and pretending it never happened. When they do bad things there will be consequences, things will change and life will move forward.

Ideally you don't want the things they end up doing to be as bad as this.

Floggingmolly · 22/01/2016 17:44

But you and your partner haven't changed or moved on in 8 fucking years! You've already taught your children a very unfortunate lesson Hmm

mum2mum99 · 22/01/2016 18:11

A few incidents where it got physical IS an abusive relationship. Your perspective has changed at the end of the freedom program. I hope you can both become better parents as your children deserve. Well done for posting and we are here to help.

Atenco · 23/01/2016 04:53

If I understand right, OP, you consider that you are as much at fault as your partner in the incident that happened and that he is otherwise a good father and partner. You want to find a way to repair the relationship for the good of everyone and particularly for the good of your children who love their father and so that they can learn that relationships that go so badly wrong can be repaired.

I don't say that you cannot repair your relationship and learn to live without violence, but, as for teaching your childrent that these types of relationships can be repaired, you are actually the first person who I have ever heard of who refers to the abuse being mutual, so teaching your children that relationships like this can be repaired, is like teaching them that lead can be turned into gold. You will be setting them up for accepting abusing relationships.

I can see how much you care about your children but I do think you underestimate how terrifying it must be for your children to see the two people they love and depend on totally going at it hammer and tongs. My dgd's father is otherwise lovely, but can be violent and shout. A couple of days ago he can here shouting at my dd and when he left my dgd was inconsolable. And that was just a bit of raised voices.

emmiebelle · 23/01/2016 16:18

Oh my god woman!
what is wrong with you????
I grew up in a house with a violent dad..
he would punch holes in the walls and doors..
throw things , scream, bash my pet dog, beat me
I was so afraid of him.. I would wet my knickers and shake when I heard his car pull into the drive way.
I would beg my mum to leave my Father.. which she refused to do
as I result I haven't talked to her in 10 years.
I cannot put into words how much damaged it caused me to live in a home like that.
I ended up at 15 in a mental ward with self harm, anorexia and suicide attempts.
you do not deserve kids if you allow them to live in an environment where they feel afraid of someone.
You need to put them FIRST
not yourself.
do what is best for THEM
not what is best for you.

Original poster
nmakk · 23/01/2016 17:10

So you shouldn't speak to her shame on her not getting out beforehand my children are not scared of their dad and he's kind to animals that's a res flag that I've always have if you can hurt an animal anything goes.I'm not with him I wanted to know about a flipping report is all the ONLY reason anything else came up was because I answered a question this isn't and never was about me and him getting back together but about social services protocol of which I have no knowledge simple.

OP posts:
startrek90 · 23/01/2016 18:50

They will send the report when they are done. Tbh I feel for you and your children. Neither of you know what a normal loving relationship is like.

I am going to ask a personal question: Is English your first language op?

Original poster
nmakk · 23/01/2016 19:49

Yes it is.I guess I'd agree with you there as from an adult it's all been about realising most I thought I knew and even could remember was bs,but not my kids they are happy clever kids who know their loved and wanted from being told multiple times everyday they have their routine (obviously it's been threw a little now with dad out) and they know what to expect when the four year olds been reading for over a year and is excelling in maths the oldest is doing fab too and the youngest is already trying to use big words such as disgusting or amazing,disputes are usually taken outside this time it didn't happen but it was a part of us not our defining point.Thank you for answering my question before posing your own you are in a minority.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 23/01/2016 20:18

Yes you will get a report.

You need to find out under which section of the Children Act your children are being assessed - Child protection or child in need?

Unfortunately and I mean this kindly, you cannot seem to understand the gravity of the situation or grasp the dysfunction of you and him together, although I think you are trying.

Do what your SW tells you and be honest with him.

startrek90 · 23/01/2016 21:30

Op I mean this in the nicest way but you can tell a child that they are loved and cherished till you are blue in the face but that needs to be backed up with action.

Right now your kids are living in a home with violence that is so bad THEY have had to call the police.

I was your 11 year old. My dad told me that he loved me but he still beat my mum and that scared me. Of course I loved him and clung to him but really that was to keep on his good side so that he didn't hurt me.

That's what your 11 year old is doing. I know that you are going to say 'hes never harmed them' but that will change. I can promise you that. I have scars that prove it and my little sister has pins holding her arm together.

You think you would feel guilty for breaking up their family now? That is NOTHING compared to the guilt you will feel when your kids end up seriously hurt and damaged. My mum has never forgotten or forgiven herself for not taking the violence seriously. For just blaming both of them. For essentially making all the arguments you have made on this thread.