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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

social services

160 replies

nmakk · 22/01/2016 10:02

Hi,sw visited me and my children after a domestic incident to have a chat,he was happy with my children and advised I did the freedom programme and said he'd speak to his manager to confirm if the children could see their dad supervised by their grandad.He spoke on the phone to their dad to "see what his attitude was" he said he was happy foe the contact to go ahead and that the conversation went well and he'd told him he'd arranged private therapy as he takes responsibility for his part of our problem.I've heard nothing since and their dad is on bail until the end of the month I'm wondering what happens now? Like should I expect a report should I ask for one?(I'm scared to call to check incase it's seen as bad on me) or will they not do a report until after he's been to court and will the court determine if the supervision is to continue or will sw do a report based on the outcome? I started the freedom programme and it's amazing things o never clocked as anything I am now but it's shown me I do have a good man who doesn't abuse me although we have both been horrid were definitely not abusing each other and we can work through this.please helpConfused

OP posts:
mouldycheesefan · 22/01/2016 13:08

Stop bringing the kids into it. This relationship is poison. You know that now. Move on before any further damage is done.
I speak from experience, a family member was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder when a teen due to being in similar circumstances in a household with abusive and violent circumstances.
You sound like you enjoy the emotional drama and involving the kids in it.
Ypu are currently free of this individual DO NOT go back.

firesidechat · 22/01/2016 13:11

No please don't share your revelations with your friends. Something has been lost in translation I suspect

Floggingmolly · 22/01/2016 13:12

How exactly are you proposing to turn this "terrible situation" into a positive thing for all of us?
What positives do you see in all of this; for you but more importantly for your children? I can't see a single one...

Original poster
nmakk · 22/01/2016 13:13

No I said I want it to be a learning curve.As I said if ever we were told to stay apart we would and he would agree too but I'd like not to be there I'd prefer to sort it out.Yes your fully right there are issues aside from the relationship we both need to rectify and we won't consider living together until we've achieved that and can both decide with complete clarity on how we've made each other feel of we want to reconnect but I do fully believe with the outside issues sorted we would be great.Again I am fully prepared for both myself and him to reach the end and decide were better apart but I don't want to throw it away bcz it's not black and white not victim perp abuser victim but two people who need help.Is there anyone who used the freedom family course here??

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louisejxxx · 22/01/2016 13:14

To be honest I think any relationship that has gotten physical (whether one-sided or not) is not a healthy one. I have a feeling social services would see it the same way. Is that how you want your children to grow up - thinking "just a slap" is okay (whether they do it to a partner, friend or anyone else for that matter)? I'm afraid it isn't and that's the end of it.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 22/01/2016 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
nmakk · 22/01/2016 13:18

Positives for my children firstly to see that mom and dad were not acting how we should in a relationship and although unfortunately we let it get to a terrible situation problems can be overcome if the will to rectify is there and of course to show them exactly what a relationship should be like.to have their dad in their life as more than a part time thing and for me and him because we've been through some stuff (outside issues) but we do deserve to be happy and show we don't have to be a let them hurt us anymore

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ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/01/2016 13:18

Ok
If you really want to get back together you need to stay apart for st least 6 months. He can access the building better relationship course and you can continue your work with women's aid and the freedom program. If in 6 months you still want to be together you can consider it.
First hint of violence in front of the children or otherwise and you need to accept its over.

FairNotFair · 22/01/2016 13:18

Sorry, OP; you're deluding yourself.

Original poster
nmakk · 22/01/2016 13:20

I have engaged with them just don't want to ask for what isn't on the cards.No I don't want them thinking Ita ok I accept our behaviour to date has been giving that impression and I want to show them it isn't and that's why dad's gone to one be punished and too sort his part

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Original poster
nmakk · 22/01/2016 13:24

6 months is What I was thinking because I know we need time apart to focus on our individual things and yes if ever anything else I'd be gone.I myself need to change the way I am and I'm willing to give it my absolute best and if he doesn't then it's clear we can't be but from the snippets I've heard from sw and him to the kids and my dad he is taking responsibility for his part and I do feel if we both sorted ours we could be great.the good far outweighs the bad

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Original poster
nmakk · 22/01/2016 13:27

It's been a long few weeks and I've had nothing to do after the children are in bed but to think and go over my actions and his I'm worried about him being alone because we are close and I know being away from the children will be tearing him apart

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eurochick · 22/01/2016 13:27

I just can't see how there could or should be any way back from a physical fight that resulted in an 11 year old child phoning the police. Get out of the relationship for the sake of your children if you won't do it for yourself.

mouldycheesefan · 22/01/2016 13:27

The good doesn't outweigh the bad though does it? The bad involves criminal proceedings, social services, police, violence, abuse, threats, kids calling the police.

You are totally and utterly deluded. Seriously. I don't think you will gain anything from the freedom programme because you minimise everything. Your kids may end up in care. Put them first.

mouldycheesefan · 22/01/2016 13:28

You are bored and lonely is what it boils down to.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/01/2016 13:29

Minimum 6 months and in that time he lives elsewhere, doesn't sleep over, doesn't spend hours with you as a family etc.
It is possible, perpetrators programs wouldn't exist if they didn't have some success but it's limited and doesn't work for everyone. The most important thing is that you work in your issues separately.

Floggingmolly · 22/01/2016 13:30

...of course to show them exactly what a relationship should be like
He put you in hospital and your 11 year old had to report it to the police Hmm. You pair have nothing good to teach your children about relationships, absolutely nothing.

firesidechat · 22/01/2016 13:33

When did this happen op and have you posted before? It sounds very familiar.

Original poster
nmakk · 22/01/2016 13:35

How can I possibly leave the children out of it really this is a family they are part of us we are only a family because of them.I will share with my friends because it's a good thing how can wanting to share a book about signs n red flags if domestic abuse be a bad thing?? Our kids will not end up in care based I've said a few times now if they did say we can't continue this relationship we would BOTH agree.nobody's responded to my query on what you'd do if your symptoms didn't match a diagnosis list? Mine with freedom didn't am I to seek a perfect man who never has emotions or raises his voice? I'm seeing the freedom programme as a very informative link and I refuse to feel bad for seeing from it how good a man I did actually have.I went in there scared to death I'd find him being exactly as the abuser was described am I to ignore the fact I didn't n it made me realise we need help not separation

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Original poster
nmakk · 22/01/2016 13:36

I've not posted before

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NerrSnerr · 22/01/2016 13:39

Please do not get back with this man. It is not normal in a relationship to fight, have police involvement etc. I cannot imagine how terrified your poor 11 year old was. You must protect your children by not getting back with him. You need to put your children first.

Original poster
nmakk · 22/01/2016 13:40

Yes 6months at least and yes he'd have to live elsewhere for definite our relationships been affected by our things and our relationship has affected sorting our things.The best outcome for me would be one of two things,we both do our stuff and realise we do want to be together at then end of it and we use any and all resources available to help us do that or two we both sort our issues and either of us decides he wants to remain apart and will parent separately ensuring the kids and his relationship continue as it should do

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Original poster
nmakk · 22/01/2016 13:41

The fight between us scared her but nobody in this house is afraid of him her main concern right now is not having him around

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HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 22/01/2016 13:45

You want to get back with someone who is abusive to you and you abusive to them? Really? Hmm

DawnOfTheDoggers · 22/01/2016 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.