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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

social services

160 replies

nmakk · 22/01/2016 10:02

Hi,sw visited me and my children after a domestic incident to have a chat,he was happy with my children and advised I did the freedom programme and said he'd speak to his manager to confirm if the children could see their dad supervised by their grandad.He spoke on the phone to their dad to "see what his attitude was" he said he was happy foe the contact to go ahead and that the conversation went well and he'd told him he'd arranged private therapy as he takes responsibility for his part of our problem.I've heard nothing since and their dad is on bail until the end of the month I'm wondering what happens now? Like should I expect a report should I ask for one?(I'm scared to call to check incase it's seen as bad on me) or will they not do a report until after he's been to court and will the court determine if the supervision is to continue or will sw do a report based on the outcome? I started the freedom programme and it's amazing things o never clocked as anything I am now but it's shown me I do have a good man who doesn't abuse me although we have both been horrid were definitely not abusing each other and we can work through this.please helpConfused

OP posts:
SlippingOnIceIceBaby · 22/01/2016 13:47

You see mum and dad learning not to physically hurt eachother as a family learning curve?

Wow.

Learning not to abuse eachother is not a family learning curve. Please protect your children from all this OP.

DrE678 · 22/01/2016 13:47

As a PP said it definitely sounds like something has been lost in translation here. You seem to be seeing the things you are learning in very black and white terms. Very few people are all good or all bad but it doesn't mean that what happened is ok. It frightens me that this early on in your 'time apart' that you are justifying getting back together. You both have lots of work to do.

Original poster
nmakk · 22/01/2016 13:51

I agree there's also a difference between two people equally being at fault and one being abused I'm not being abused.I had to use a male support page to get anything other than he's a monster bad dad get rid etc is society really so one sided and against people wanting to right their wrongs? Seems so lately sadly.I miss him yes lonely not so much I have family nearby who now know of the situation and who support us both if Change is what we want they know him and me and can see it's not simply victim and abuser but a natter of us letting it get too bad without asking for help I feel so guilty for not seeking it out prior to this

OP posts:
MsGee · 22/01/2016 13:51

I suggest you tell social services what you have 'learned' from the freedom programme and how you think this is an opportunity for your children to learn about relationships.

Original poster
nmakk · 22/01/2016 13:52

No I see myself as half to blame for this mess

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 22/01/2016 13:53

Yes what dawn said. You shouldn't need SS to be judge and jury on your relationship. If they end up telling you to split for the good of your kids, it's gone way too far already.

You're the parent. Step up.

firesidechat · 22/01/2016 13:55

You might think you aren't being abused, but you are definitely in an abusive relationship which is on ss radar. Hopefully they will do the right thing.

MorrisZapp · 22/01/2016 13:59

If you're half to blame then what steps are you taking to learn about appropriate parenting, and safeguarding your children?

Original poster
nmakk · 22/01/2016 13:59

I'm not saying it's ok never have done it's wrong were wrong.I'm not justifying getting back together I'm trying to get some advice on the otherside the joint responsibility not one victim one to blame I also wasn't battered we had a fight why is everyone so intent on looking at it one sided why is it such a bad thing to want to put it right.My children already have an entire family missing bcz they're the wrong colour plus their paternal nan's a narcissist nightmare so had to cut her outafter seeing she would use my kids in her madness so I'd hate to feel they don't even have a dad home either because I or he took the easy option of resolving nothing and walking away.It's going to be a long time before us getting together is even a question but is it really so wrong to want the issues resolved and our family back together in the long run?

OP posts:
Original poster
nmakk · 22/01/2016 14:04

Well I've started the freedom programme and fully intend to make sure our girls take the information needed so they pick up on the flagswhen their older I did read they're trying to get it taught in schools but not yet so my girls are ahead from me having it now I can teach them what little things I misses infact what it showed me was my first partner was abusing me to the point of attempted rape (which I left him for) but he was showing all the signs n back then I didn't have a clue the Mr right Mr wrong would have pointed it right out I only wish I'd found it sooner.I'm also trying to access councilling for myself for the things freedom won't touch upon

OP posts:
Original poster
nmakk · 22/01/2016 14:06

And I've had many talks with my children about how we all need to be nicer to each other as a whole and how im doing my best to change how I am because how ice been with dad is wrong and totally not acceptable

OP posts:
Shutthatdoor · 22/01/2016 14:06

You see mum and dad learning not to physically hurt eachother as a family learning curve?

Wow

Learning not to abuse eachother is not a family learning curve.

Well said.

Both of you are violent. You are a toxic mix together.

It is not ok for him to slap or hit you. It is not ok for you to slap or hit him.

If you don't end this. I can see SS becoming even more involved.

It is not healthy.

Original poster
nmakk · 22/01/2016 14:07

*maternal nan

OP posts:
Original poster
nmakk · 22/01/2016 14:09

It is ended as I said I intend on sorting my issues for as long as it takes and only IF we have both sorted our own would I consider us coming back together for the foreseeable future were not a couple we have alot of work to do before the question arrises

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ricketytickety · 22/01/2016 14:12

Abuse is hitting/slapping/scuffling//pushing/pulling. He was abusive. You need to recognise that in order to work out how to move forward.

Watching said abuse was very frightening for your children and is a form of abuse in itself as it is designed to show them who is boss and what happens if they disagree.

Floggingmolly · 22/01/2016 14:15

Your girls are ahead of the pack due to you attending this freedom programme despite the fact that all it's taught you is that you didn't realise what a gem this thug really is????

You are quite frighteningly deluded, op, and your poor kids will be the ones to pay the price. Sadly.

Original poster
nmakk · 22/01/2016 14:18

Ok I can't refute that yes it is abusive but I need to be clear it was most definitely us no display of boss and what happens when we disagree.The children have routines agrees by us both we both share chores on a weekend he works in the week but does help out we fake turns bathing telling bedtime stories cooking school runs if he's off work I could go on yes we've been abusive to eachother equally no we don't think it's right but please what is so very wrong with having engaged with the help and having hope for rectification?

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Peevedquitter · 22/01/2016 14:21

I think what your trying to say is you don't want just him blamed and that you are both abusive and you want to change because the way you both behave makes you bad for each other.

Many people get in to situations where they make terrible errors but they are so caught up in everything they make bad decisions. You have insight now having done the programme, you actually know it would be very wrong to EVER get back with this man. You are attempting to delude yourself that it could work out.

You are hoping for enlightenment for both of you but what you are doing is grossly unfair on your children.

Just because your previous partner was even worse does not make this one better.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 22/01/2016 14:21

I've phoned the police because my stepfather was hitting my mother.

I don't even have the words to tell you how scared I was that night.

I don't have the words to tell you how I grew up in fear.

I don't have the words to tell you how little I respect my mother for staying with a man who hurt her.

I don't have the words to tell you how much I want to kill my SD for the abuse me and my mum suffered. How everytime he says 'hiya Wilson' I want to shout 'die you evil bastard' in his face.

My mum at least has some excuse - times were different, she wasn't supported, there was no freedom programme, the police came and went again after things calmed down.

What's your excuse?

I think you're addicted to the drama. I think you put your relationship before your children.

I think I've been where your daughter is and my life would have been better if I'd been taken into care.

Funinthesun15 · 22/01/2016 14:28

I think what your trying to say is you don't want just him blamed and that you are both abusive and you want to change because the way you both behave makes you bad for each other.

That about sums it up imo.

Bottom line is you are both abusive to each other which means you shouldn't be together.

ricketytickety · 22/01/2016 14:36

It most definitely is a display of who is the most powerful. That is exactly what a physical fight is. Moving forward may well mean not being together in order to give your children a happy, stable, violence abuse free home. Make that your aim, not getting back together.

ricketytickety · 22/01/2016 14:37

I mean make the happy stable violence free home your aim. Getting back together is not necessarily part of that. Especially as you are minimising the abuse and the affect on your children.

WildeWoman · 22/01/2016 14:49

When you say 'scuffle', what do you mean?

You also say that you are equally as responsible. What does that mean? What did you do?

You refer to 'outside issues' - what are they?

How did your daughter know to call the police? Has she had to phone them before? Had you told her the number to call if needed?

Where was the other child?

Shutthatdoor · 22/01/2016 14:51

You also say that you are equally as responsible. What does that mean? What did you do?

OP states in one of their posts that she has pushed and slapped him in the past.

Original poster
nmakk · 22/01/2016 15:03

A violent free upbringing and home is my main aim yes and I can't say what I did to him as we've not been able to speak so I don't know I do know I didn't lay there and get hit we were fighting by scuffle I mean grabbing and shoving eachother I think we were connected at some point it happened so fast I couldn't say who hit who how,my daughter knows how to call the police not because she's had to before but because she's 11yeara old and surely to God there's kods child out there these days that don't know 999 is for police etcConfused the children were eating at the table I misunderstood what I heard upon coming in the room and it went from their my daughter has told me since that he wasn't telling her off when I thought he was hence ny dispute to it,I did try talking away from them but as I was in the wrong and he felt attacked by my interpretation of the situation he refused to speak I got mad at that feeling hw should be because I chose to speak away but he shut down I started the shouting I pushed it we fought

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