Perspective please - am I overreacting to what DH did?

[Whywhywhywhy39]

I need some perspective please...

DH and I have been together for 21 years since we were 19. We have 2 DC, primary school age. We both work full time. Overall we have what I've long regarded as an incredibly lucky life - comfortable home, no money worries, close to our extended family, strong relationship ourselves.

On Sunday DH told me he has herpes. He got it from a strip bar. He went there at the beginning of Dec, was going out with friends but the evening didn't happen for some reason. Instead of comming home, he found this bar and went into a booth. Long story short, he paid some woman to give him a blow job and both touched each other.
A week or so after that the herpes appeared. He was diagnosed on 23 Dec.

We had a lot of family visiting over Christmas and into the new year, all staying with us. The last ones left last week and Sunday was the first quiet night we had together, so he told me.

I feel sick, and so so so let down. Perhaps betrayed? I don't know. Why would he do this? To us, to me, to let this horrid thing into our lives. And by "horrid thing" I mean buying sex from someone. The herpes isn't nice, but if he had got it from a previous partner with a cold sore I guess it would just be one if those things. But like this!

To be clear, visiting strip bars is entirely out of character. He's no saint but this is just way beyond normal for him, for us.

But am I over reacting? Is it just a strip club, hundreds of men go to them every night. I've tried telling myself that, but I still feel sick and shaken every time I think about him in that booth.

I could go on and on. Why? And why and why. I don't know if that question can ever be answered. But please, perspective, am I over reacting?
(FWIW he has not suggested I am, this is me trying to work thru in my head.)

The holes in the story are mine, apologies.

He has a reckless streak but it's never been destructive like this

You have no idea how often he's done this.

You now know he's the sort of man who thinks it's OK to pay vulnerable women to avoid having to get proper consent.

You thought he was someone who didn't go to strip clubs.

But he is.

There is zero chance that he wandered into a strip club as an uninitiated man and ended up buying sex.

That didn't happen.

He was acting all normal the next day, because this is his normal.

Cheating on you and then coming home.

Forgiveness is a gift which has to be freely and willing given. It cannot and should be forced. No person is better than another just because they are able to forgive. Trying to live with something that you genuinely can't forgive is a recipe for unhappiness IMO.

ah sorry i thought he was telling you two different things as you started to question him! Still...to voluntarily leave his two friends who he was out with, and wander into a strip club alone..seems odd?

You're really not stupid. At all.

You simply had faith in your h, that he wouldn't lie, cheat or risk your health.

That is very normal and healthy - to trust and to believe in someone.

He, however, is extremely stupid. He's just lost everything.

You may well decide to stick together and work through it all. It's hellish though because you will never really trust him again.

I would at the very least ask him to leave - even if it's temporary, he doesn't need to know it's temporary. This is so you have time to gather your thoughts, evaluate the situation without him scrabbling around, trying to tell you his story and to convince you to stay together.

I would try to let the shock subside before you make any decisions.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I'm glad to hear you've been to the clinic , although I'm sure it wasn't a pleasant experience ( no offence to the staff who I'm sure do a great job ) .

I'm so sorry, what you are going through is horrible. It makes you look at everything differently doesn't it ?

Has your husband offered you complete access to his phone etc? Obviously you need to do this without prior warning, so he doesn't have time to delete anything .

Does his work or social life give him opportunities to cheat without detection ?

How does he say he caught herpes from the stripper?

If I have it correct he said initially it was from touching and you looked it up and decided because it was HSV 1 it was likely from a BJ.

Did he then say he paid for a BJ?

I don't think wandering into SOHO and then into a random strip club you didn't intend to visit and being offered a BJ happens TBH.

I also don't think you would get herpes from touching a stripper - that's quite misogynistic as well as a ludicrous lie.

Bear in mind that all alcohol does is lower your inhibitions. It makes you more likely to do things you would like to do but think are a bad idea. It doesn't turn you into a different person. It doesn't make a non sex industry using man into a paying for a BJ dickhead.

"So it wasn't stone cold sober. Enough to drink to be reckless I guess. He has a reckless streak but it's never been destructive like this - either comes out in adrenaline sports or in enormous nights out with the boys (maybe twice a year)."

So he was drunk. So what? That's no excuse. Do you want to be worrying every time he goes out drinking?

How are things at the moment? Are you two sleeping in separate beds? I don't think I could bear to sleep in the same bed.

There are 2 types of men that go into strip clubs. the first type are those going in as a big group for a "bit of a laugh" or a "mens night out" . the second are those that go in on their own habitually knowing that they are looking for something more.

he went in on his own. he wasn't coerced. it wasn't part of a stag night.

I am really sorry but he isn't telling you the truth. he really, really isn't. there is no way that this is the first time. ask him questions. really deep probing questions like how much did you pay, what did you drink in there. how long were you there for. the more he answers the more the lies will be exposed.

I feel really so sorry for you. this is horrible to have to deal with without the added STI. you have 2 choices. you either leave him or you stay and try to pick up the pieces. either way is going to be just as horrible and just as difficult. he needs to be in absolutely no doubt that because of what he has done things will never be the same again.

He is your partner so you know him better than MNetters do but I honestly don't think this comes across as reckless. it comes across as very calculating. I would be looking at his bank records because this wont be the first incidence. no one goes out for the evening and completely out of the blue thinks oh I know Ill go on to a strip club and have a blow job. it just does not happen whatever he says.

you do need someone in real life to confide in and who can give you support.

I find it hard to believe that on his first ever visit to a strip club, he was unlucky enough to catch an STI. I think you know it wasn't a one off but he's had to tell you this time because he caught herpes.

He cheated. Whether or not you stay with him is up to you, it depends where your line is. I couldn't.

IF he did go to a strip club and he did pay for some kind of sex then he has done it before, he is a regular in the clubs, he knows which clubs do extra and has the confidence to negotiate with the right women.

If he texted his mates to come with him as he said it could well turn out that he is the strip club/sex industry using knobhead who eggs on his friends to join him so he feels better about himself and that all his mates know about it too.

I don't think the person you described before this event would wander into a strip club just on an immediate whim. Even if it was the first time (which seems very unlikely), there has to be some element of thinking about it, planning it. If I were a man, and left a couple I was on a night out with (why?), I'm not sure I'd just wander into Soho, and then 'see' a strip club, and then wander in, even though it's not my thing, and then wander into paying for whatever. A lot of steps are missing here. The story doesn't make sense.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

You are certainly not stupid. Rather your H is stupid for putting your sexual health at risk, for potentially destroying your family life. And for what?

I don't think him being drunk, whether very or just a little, is any kind of excuse at all. I'm sure he's been drunk previously during your relationship. Did he act similarly then - going off to find someone to shag or give him a blow-job?

I hope it goes well for you at the clinic this afternoon. I also hope that you can confide in someone in real life. None of this is a reflection on you, only on his lack of boundaries and morals, but you do need some support from someone.

And it's even less likely it was a whim if it was a club he had to pay to get into.

I don't think wandering into SOHO and then into a random strip club you didn't intend to visit and being offered a BJ happens TBH.

Agree.

They're 'no touching no extras', anything extra happens after the shift.
The private booths have CCTV (for the girls' safety but it also means management knows what's going on).

OP has DH's enormous nights out with the boys (maybe twice a year) not always involved strip clubs?

I also find it hard to believe it was a one off. I think he's done it before and is lying and has changed the story. I wouldn't trust him.

Has he suffered any consequences at all?

I thought LondonStill's post sounded sensible, as (s)he has obviously had a lot of experience of dealing with STIs.

I also agree with a PP who distinguished between strippers - people who take their clothes off for money - and prostitutes - people who perform sex acts for money. Wherever the sex act happened, the woman who blew your husband was a prostitute if she accepted money to do it.

I don't know whether it will make you feel differently, but what happened was that you husband had sex with a prostitute. The strip club is a red herring.

Lapdance and strip clubs are not brothels. The women are not prostitutes. If clubs were found to offer sex on the premises they would be shut down. They're far too business-oriented to risk losing their licence.

If you want dancing plus sex you'd have to go to Germany or Holland.

It would take ages to find a woman who'd give you extras on the premises in Soho, and a club that was slack enough.

He's either gone home with a dancer from a club, or he's seen an escort.

xpost with LaPharisienne Snap.

or he does this so regularly that he knows which clubs have "girls" that offer extras.

Has he suffered any consequences at all?

Yes he's got a disease that isn't curable that is one consequence of his actions

Consequences to his actions. Like the op telling him to leave, rather than carrying on as normal.

What a nightmare. I agree with the others, he is not a novice at this, unfortunately.

Jeopardizing my health, especially in such an ugly way, would be a total dealbreaker.

What is his demeanor, OP?

Good luck at the clinic; I am hoping they can recommend a counseling service you could try, as well. Agree with others you cannot keep this bottled up in real life, you have to talk with a couple of people. Your brother may not be objective enough to help you.

He sounds cold and detatched. I mean being able to behave perfectly normally the next day when most of us would be in turmoil. If I did that to my dp I don't think I'd want to get out of bed the next day. I'd be beside myself, I'd feel sick. That combined with the fact he actively chose to go on his own to a place where he could pay for sex. I just think that sounds really out of character for someone who's supposed to be a good man.

I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I know I'd find it devastating. I'm sorry you've got to deal with this.

Lol! Great minds, or something...

To be precise, my point wasn't that he's lying about having got a blowie in a strip joint, more that wherever he got it, if he paid for it he had sex with a prostitute.

On whether strip clubs/ strippers offer "extras", I personally have known men (one or two) who claim to have done all sorts in the back rooms of strip clubs... FWIW those men also visited prostitutes totally shamelessly (they were in their twenties - not sure they'd blithely admit that kind of behaviour now they're older and married etc.).

A friend of mine has a lot to do with sex workers as part of her day job and is single; when she meets men she starts with the assumption that they pay for sex, as there are so many sex workers she thinks it must be more normal for a man to visit prostitutes than not. I'm not so sure about it being that common (although obviously I have no idea), but ex-army friends have confirmed that it was totally the rule for soldiers and that the exceptions were few and far between. Think at the very least it is a lot more common that most women imagine/ would like to think.