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Original poster

Perspective please - am I overreacting to what DH did?

405 replies

Whywhywhywhy39 · 22/01/2016 08:36

I need some perspective please...

DH and I have been together for 21 years since we were 19. We have 2 DC, primary school age. We both work full time. Overall we have what I've long regarded as an incredibly lucky life - comfortable home, no money worries, close to our extended family, strong relationship ourselves.

On Sunday DH told me he has herpes. He got it from a strip bar. He went there at the beginning of Dec, was going out with friends but the evening didn't happen for some reason. Instead of comming home, he found this bar and went into a booth. Long story short, he paid some woman to give him a blow job and both touched each other.
A week or so after that the herpes appeared. He was diagnosed on 23 Dec.

We had a lot of family visiting over Christmas and into the new year, all staying with us. The last ones left last week and Sunday was the first quiet night we had together, so he told me.

I feel sick, and so so so let down. Perhaps betrayed? I don't know. Why would he do this? To us, to me, to let this horrid thing into our lives. And by "horrid thing" I mean buying sex from someone. The herpes isn't nice, but if he had got it from a previous partner with a cold sore I guess it would just be one if those things. But like this!

To be clear, visiting strip bars is entirely out of character. He's no saint but this is just way beyond normal for him, for us.

But am I over reacting? Is it just a strip club, hundreds of men go to them every night. I've tried telling myself that, but I still feel sick and shaken every time I think about him in that booth.

I could go on and on. Why? And why and why. I don't know if that question can ever be answered. But please, perspective, am I over reacting?
(FWIW he has not suggested I am, this is me trying to work thru in my head.)

OP posts:
Bambambini · 22/01/2016 15:28

Lot of crap on here about herpes. About never being able to have spontaneous sex and haveing to have seperate towels etc.

". It's a virus that will cause intermittent contagious symptoms his whole life which means you will now have to closely examine him every time you want to have sex, to make sure he has no blisters and could infect you. Even if you get over the lying and infidelity I would really struggle with the STI."

I've had herpes for about 18 yrs. it can be upsetting but i've never had an outbreak in well over 12 yrs and even then there were only a few. we have spontaneous sex, share towels etc. Fuck off with your unclean and diseae ridden crap.

Twinklestein · 22/01/2016 15:31

or he does this so regularly that he knows which clubs have "girls" that offer extras

Sure. But he'd have to know which girls in which clubs & they have a high turnover, and it's still not going to happen at the club so that bit's a lie.

Elendon · 22/01/2016 16:01

Bambam was your partner aware of your life long sti? If yes, then that's all fine and dandy. Would you dry down your child on a towel you had used? Leave it on the towel radiator for them to use later?

I bet you take precautions. I'm sorry you have herpes but this must be on the back of your mind. Fine if you're with someone else who has it - then sex can be spontaneous. But to infect someone deliberately? I bet you would never do that.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/01/2016 16:09

Would you dry down your child on a towel you had used? Leave it on the towel radiator for them to use later?

It has literally never occurred to me not to do that because you can't pass on herpes through sharing towels

Please don't scaremonger

JessicasRabbit · 22/01/2016 16:10

Elendon, I've had cold sores (herpes) since I was a teen. I absolutely do share towels except when I'm having an outbreak. I also engage in spontaneous kissing. Some of the scaremongering and stigmatising about herpes on this thread is ridiculous. And taking away from the far more significant fact that the OP's husband paid a stranger for sex.

Elendon · 22/01/2016 16:24

Cold sores are different. And I have cold sores since childhood and would never share towels, my towel is my towel - who the hell shares towels? Never kiss anyone spontaneously when I had an outbreak (which is once a year), and certainly I wouldn't kiss anyone who had a cold sore. I've never had it transmitted to my genital area, despite having cold sores for decades.

NameChange30 · 22/01/2016 16:28

If someone got herpes before you met them it wouldn't be a big deal. You'd find out the necessary precautions and take them. IMO the problem with someone getting an STI through cheating is that it adds insult to injury. It also makes me wonder if they would have admitted to the cheating if it wasn't for the STI.

Offred · 22/01/2016 16:31

Cold sores TBF are usually HSV-1 which is the type the OP's H has had transmitted to his genital area.

Him having HSV-1 sores in his genital area would indicate that he's (most likely recently) had a blow job or oral or vaginal sex with someone who is infected with HSV-1 and was shedding the virus at the time - asymptomatic shedding (random shedding with no symptoms), prodromal shedding (when the virus is activating) or when they had active sores.

Elendon · 22/01/2016 16:32

And cold sores are fecking painful and obvious. However, I do use treatments on the first sign, which does the trick.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/01/2016 16:32

From bitter experience I agree with most PPs that there's practically no chance if this being a one-off. Sadly they only admit to what they have to, claiming that "they didn't want to hurt you" with more - conveniently forgetting that they could have avoided that hurt in the first place

Unfortunately, lying suggests he's not remorseful, accepting of responsibility or anything else you'd need in order to get through this. The best you'll probably get if you stay is a gradual drip-feed of "truths", each of which will hurt you anew; the worst is the corroding effect of the total loss of trust, which can drive you mad in the end

I'm desperately sorry this is happening to you at all, Whywhy and really hope you can find a way through which works for you

Offred · 22/01/2016 16:32

And yes, the major major thing would be every time I thought about having sex with him I would think about catching herpes and him having cheated and lied.

Offred · 22/01/2016 16:34

*a blow job or anal or vaginal sex

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 22/01/2016 16:43

He walked into a club in Soho, for the first time ever, and found someone willing to give him a BJ?

And then she had an STI?

Pull the other one, it has bells on. Not a chance. I've never seen a strip club in London without a security team and cameras watching every inch.

Bambambini · 22/01/2016 16:48

"Bambam was your partner aware of your life long sti? If yes, then that's all fine and dandy. Would you dry down your child on a towel you had used? Leave it on the towel radiator for them to use later?

I bet you take precautions. I'm sorry you have herpes but this must be on the back of your mind. Fine if you're with someone else who has it - then sex can be spontaneous. But to infect someone deliberately? I bet you would never do that."

No it's not on the back of my mind. The only time I think of it is when I read comments like you and others have posted. I caught it from my husband although he doesn't have genital herpes so could catch it. He doesn't seem worried in the slightest.

And we do share towels in my house, I'm sure my children use whatever towel is lying about.

Sorry, it's not a lot more dramatic and disease ridden for the readers here.

Elendon · 22/01/2016 16:56

Well each to their own Bambam.

My children have their own towels and they are washed regularly.

Herpes isn't bad, no sexually transmitted disease is, you have what you have and then you adjust your life accordingly. I'm not judging. However, I would insist on special care when it comes to children, and I did often wonder how I ever got herpes/cold sores, I made sure my children wouldn't have the same. So far, so clear. Two are adults now, and that's their decision.

Headagainstwall · 22/01/2016 17:00

Hey OP, sorry you're going through this :(

So if it was just this one time, can he show you the transaction where he paid for this? And can you compare it to the rest of his bank statement to see that it happened in isolation? He should be happy to show that, to at least put your mind at rest that there's nothing else. Then you can concentrate on how you feel about that.

Jux · 22/01/2016 17:12

You poor thing Flowers

Tell him to go to Ronnie Scott's next time he's alone in Soho and wants something to do. Or Mme Jo Jo's if he's feeling a bit reckless.

BolshierAryaStark · 22/01/2016 17:22

I'd struggle to believe his sorry story tbh, You don't just happen to wander into a strip club & end up with your cock in the mouth of one of the girls that work there. He must have been familiar with the club & girls to request the service-there isn't a sex menu, not in a strip club anyway, a brothel is obviously a different story.
I honestly think you're under-reacting, I'd have gone nuclear & would no longer be under the same roof as him. Just vile behaviour.

Offred · 22/01/2016 17:26

Oh FFS, towels are completely irrelevant. The OP's children are likely to catch HSV-1 at some point in their lives and it is usually in the form of cold sores. They are NOT going to catch it from towels...

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/01/2016 17:35

Cold sores are herpes

Bambambini · 22/01/2016 17:37

Elendon - you can't make sure that your children won't catch cold sores or herpes though of course you can be aware and take some precautions.

MilkshakeMonkey · 22/01/2016 17:39

You poor, poor lady, you must be feeling awful Sad

I hope the clinic was ok this afternoon.
I have been in your shoes of being lied and cheated by someone you love. It still hurts (2 years on) , but we're still together. PM if you need a chat Chocolate

Elendon · 22/01/2016 17:42

How would they catch HsV-1 in their lives?

TooSassy · 22/01/2016 17:43

Oh OP. Poor you.

The reality of the situation is really clear here. There is NO way your DH walked into random strip bar and received a blow job. Not. A. Chance. Cameras are EVERYWHERE in these clubs, and they simply would not risk their licences. They earn an absolute fortune with punters paying their girls to strip and charging a ridiculous price for drinks.

I'm so sorry to say but he's telling you a total lie.
I'm also afraid to say that it's unlikely he's contracted an STD as a one off encounter.

I'd start by looking at all bank accounts and in particular looking for cash withdrawals.
Random one off largish amounts. Or withdrawals with more of a pattern. (I.e every Thursday night or once a fortnight on a Thursday).

The problem with something like this is you genuinely don't know if he's done this once, twice or 100 times. And you will never know because he will never tell you. Equally that detail is irrelevant. He bought home an STD because he cheated on you.

Awful. Listen you will be ok OP.

Fionajsd · 22/01/2016 17:45

Really sorry for you , what he's done to you is devastating and I doubt I could forgive.
However going back to the herpes , it can lie dormant in your system for many many years and u can indeed be a carrier without ever having a flare up.
He could have become infected many years ago and never have realised but it's now flared up because of stress etc. It's not a dirty disease its just unfortunate and anyone posting on here could be a carrier. You can be tested for it either till u have a flare up.

I wish you well and send much strength