Perspective please - am I overreacting to what DH did?

[Whywhywhywhy39]

I need some perspective please...

DH and I have been together for 21 years since we were 19. We have 2 DC, primary school age. We both work full time. Overall we have what I've long regarded as an incredibly lucky life - comfortable home, no money worries, close to our extended family, strong relationship ourselves.

On Sunday DH told me he has herpes. He got it from a strip bar. He went there at the beginning of Dec, was going out with friends but the evening didn't happen for some reason. Instead of comming home, he found this bar and went into a booth. Long story short, he paid some woman to give him a blow job and both touched each other.
A week or so after that the herpes appeared. He was diagnosed on 23 Dec.

We had a lot of family visiting over Christmas and into the new year, all staying with us. The last ones left last week and Sunday was the first quiet night we had together, so he told me.

I feel sick, and so so so let down. Perhaps betrayed? I don't know. Why would he do this? To us, to me, to let this horrid thing into our lives. And by "horrid thing" I mean buying sex from someone. The herpes isn't nice, but if he had got it from a previous partner with a cold sore I guess it would just be one if those things. But like this!

To be clear, visiting strip bars is entirely out of character. He's no saint but this is just way beyond normal for him, for us.

But am I over reacting? Is it just a strip club, hundreds of men go to them every night. I've tried telling myself that, but I still feel sick and shaken every time I think about him in that booth.

I could go on and on. Why? And why and why. I don't know if that question can ever be answered. But please, perspective, am I over reacting?
(FWIW he has not suggested I am, this is me trying to work thru in my head.)

OP, so sorry you are going through this. Just wanted to make sure you are aware that there a Catholic marriage counsellors around. I'm not sure there is much difference between them and secular counsellors, as my aunt said she never felt under any pressure to remain in her marriage after her husband's affair.

You are not over reacting at all. You may choose to stay with him, you may choose not to. But I honestly don't think you can make a proper decision until you have all the facts.

Does your husband often go out for nights with friends ? Most married men of 40 with two kids don't do this very often, so you must know when it was in early December .

Do you know the friends he was going out with and why was it cancelled ? Don't any of them have a mobile phone to contact each other?

What did he tell you that night when he came home ? How late did he come home ? By his account , his mates stood him up, so he fell into a strip club, fell into a booth and bought a BJ. How long did that take - an hour ? I'm assuming that strip clubs don't let you sit there all night nursing one drink .

So what did he do for the rest of the evening ? I assume you would remember if he went out for a night on the town and came home at 10pm ? Does he usually get drunk on a Night out and how was he that night ?

This all sounds very implausible to me .

Another one here who thinks he's minimising this. He's chosen to say things that show him in the least bad light. So he wasn't looking for sex, he fell into a strip club. He didn't have full sex, only a BJ. It wasn't someone he was in a relationship with, it was a stranger.

I don't believe in coincidences, either. All of this is too coincidental.

I'm not sure whether you'll ever know what happened. He's clearly a very good liar. He was in your bathroom discovering he had herpes then came out and acted completely normal. He came home from a sexual encounter with another woman and acted normal. I couldn't help but think he was a practised liar and this is just the first time he's been caught out.

I think it would be huge mistake not confide in someone outside of your marriage. If your only support is the very person who betrayed you horribly that is not a good situation.

I agree with AF. If you are close to your brother and you trust him to give you good advice, why not talk to him?

For the avoidance of doubt, I am not suggesting that the OP is lying, I'm saying that I think her husband is lying to her .

And I'm not saying that the Op should post the answers to my questions here, I'm saying that these are things that I would want to know if I were the OP. As others have said, she needs to know the facts ( as far as she can ascertain them ) ,before she can decide what to do .

The one thing that almost every poster is agreed on is this - this isn't the whole story .

I'm so sorry OP, you and your beautiful children don't deserve any of this .

I'm m sorry OP, you don't deserve any of this

whywhywhywhy39, I'm a bloke and I'm 'no angel' But I would never think..Oh, my mates have stood me up. I know, I'll nip into a strip club and get a BJ. I went to strip clubs a couple of times as a teenager with my uncle (I was 16/17). Loooong time ago, never been in one since. And I definitely wouldn't go in one now, with or without my friends, as my friends aren't immature idiots. I can't imagine even thinking about going in one alone.

As others have said, I think the strip club line is a lie. I think he's either a regular user of prostitutes or is having an affair.

Either way that's beyond 'no angel' sorry

Wish you strength.

Or a regular at the strip club.

OP, do you have separate bank accounts? Would you notice if he was spending more?

Although I agree with everyone on leaving him, let's juSt clarify that's it's virtually impossible to get herpes off a towel. I've just Googled as I freaked out about public toilets and apparantly it has to be skin to skin contact. The virus dies off very quickly so toilet seats and towels are pretty safe!

Of course he can be a good person, sometimes good people do bad things, or make very grave errors of judgement. I wish I could be as confident as some on here about what really happened, no one except him really knows, but the bottom line is he has been unfaithful, at least one and tried to keep it secret. That is what you are dealing with – sometimes easiest to reduce it to simple facts.
I don’t think you could really be expected to decide at this very moment what to do, your relationship clearly has had many positives, he is not an out and out day by day utter bastard, but he has hurt you very badly and totally betrayed your trust. I believe your decision should unfold over time. For now I’d agree you need time on your own and he should leave for the time being. Longer term you might chose to try again, in a way that demands more courage that the “LTB” cliché.
You need to put yourself in a place where you can weigh up the situation objectively, we are all flawed people in one way or another and there are many good things about your relationship you might not want to end.

Well, I haven't said KHO, the OP hasn't asked for advice on what to do. She asked for advice on whether she is overreacting and I have outlined reasons why I think she isn't.

I disagree though that asking him to leave would be final. As it happens I think asking him to leave so she can have some space to think things through without him in her ear is what I usually think is best.

I think anyone should bear in mind that it is the actual marriage they have that their children will learn about, not the marriage they'd wish to have or believe they have but the actual marriage they do have.

Each of us is complicated, and changing - I don't think what the OP's H has done writes off the years of loving family life they have shared. I would not find this a deal breaker, either. And yes, I have a high opinion of myself, so this isn't about being grateful for crumbs etc. I'd be raging and destraught, and I'd find him repulsive for a while - but I would not find it a deal breaker, necessarily.

So very much depends on how he is NOW - contrite? reflective? accepting responsibility for what he's done? Or is he minimising, bullshitting and diverting? It is how someone behaves to me after they have done a serious wrong that ultimately would influence how I would respond long term. There are no saints, no perfect people, we all make shitty decisions, do stupid damaging crass selfish things.

What the H has done is awful, hurtful, damaging, painful. But it is NOT unforgivable, and it does not have to mean the end of the relationship.

I'm certainly not religious in any way, but the OP presumably is, and I suggest she might want to spend time - weeks, months possibly - thinking about what the Church says about forgiveness, not throwing the first stone, etc. as there may be a route there for her back to her marriage (personally I don't like the Church at all, but it may well have a really positive role to play for them as a couple now.)

All this shit about 'unforgivable' makes me angry - check out theforgivenessproject.com/ to see what people can actually forgive.

And neither way requires more courage, that's just crap. Leaving or really committing to trying again requires courage. You might say trying again might require more suffering but that isn't the same as courage and isn't always a good thing.

Sweeping it under the carpet doesn't require courage but results in more heartache IMO.

Again, I think Offred is spot on with the final comment.
Maybe this is simplistic however, what differentiates partners from great friends, is the sex. He's chosen to let another female engage with his love length. Of course she isn't over reacting

And that old crap about forgiveness

You don't need to forgive something to move on or to behave well to others - treat them with love and respect. I think people who push themselves to forgive things that they actually can't are just storing up trouble for the future and avoiding dealing with reality very often.

Forgiveness is not required to be kind.

It's not required to treat someone with respect or to be fair.

Forgiveness is not something you are required to do before you can move on and in many cases you may only be able to move on if you accept that you will never be able to forgive IMO.

It sounds like the OP is in shock still. She's aware that this is big but needs time to soak it in and think about it properly. She may decide she wants to try and salvage something or she may sit and think and act decisively. That's up to her.
I also think it's unlikely that he went for a night out that was cancelled and then presumably sober, wandered into a nearby strip club which didn't call security when he suggested a blow job and a fondle and then contracted herpes. Not to mention a rapid recognition of the symptoms and diagnosis.

So sorry you're going through this OP.

When I was at uni, a good friend of mine worked behind the bar at a strip club. She said that some of the girls did offer sex acts, but it was very hush hush as if they made any extra money and didn't give the club owners their cut, they'd get fired on the spot. So although it's possible he got a BJ at a strip club, it's unlikely. And he would have had to have asked for it and negotiated - they wouldn't offer it.

Also, my friend said one of the strippers where she worked got herpes once and they shut the club down for a day so that they could deep clean all the poles and everything (rank, I know) as a herpes outbreak amongst the staff would've been a disaster and possibly sent the cub under.

Hope this helps arm you with a bit more info.

Hi OP, firstly I'm really sorry that you are in this position. I think that you are in shock and unfortunately I think it's going to get worse. He has drip fed you information only when absolutely necessary and I suspect that you have only seen the tip of the iceberg.

Apart from getting yourself checked out you don't need to do anything right now. Silence is your friend whilst you take the time for this to sink in and to find out the truth.

You are probably in for a very tough time as the truth emerges and I hope that you can find some RL support. In the meantime MN is here.

I knew someone who stripped/lapdanced at various central London places including Spearmint Rhino.

According to her some girls offer extras, but generally after their shift. If it gets out that sex acts are routinely offered on the premises then the club could lose their licence - it would effectively be a brothel. So management tell girls what they do after their shift is not management's business.

That's not to say that individual girls don't offer extras onsite, from what I've heard they do.

While it's possible to get herpes from oral sex, I think it's more likely he's had full sex. As with others, I highly doubt this is the first time.

Thank you all again.

I have the pleasure of a visit to the NHS sexual health clinic this afternoon. That's just what I wanted,

He was drunk that night. Went out with 2 ex-colleagues (one guy, one girl, I know them both and both are lovely). The big news of the night was that she is pregnant. Also meant it was not a huge drinking session. He says he left them, decided he felt like staying out longer and texted some mates. Everyone was home or else somewhere too far/whatever. So he wandered into Soho and then into this club. And then.....
So it wasn't stone cold sober. Enough to drink to be reckless I guess. He has a reckless streak but it's never been destructive like this - either comes out in adrenaline sports or in enormous nights out with the boys (maybe twice a year).

And the next day we went to see very close friends. He's godfather to their daughter who is 9 months, and he was happily playing with her and our girls. Normal stuff that normal people do. Not horrid fumbling in a booth with a stranger. How could he DO this.

That's great you've got an appointment-well done.

So what you going to do about your DH?

so in your first post he had told you the evening didnt happen, now it did happen then he left them of his own accord (it wasnt them going home early or anything, he just wandered off by his account) and went to a strip club...and paid for a blowjob as you do?
Holes just keep appearing in this story, im sorry but i agree he seems to be minimising and saying whatever he thinks sounds the best to get him out of a bad situation.

so in your first post he had told you the evening didnt happen, now it did happen then he left them of his own accord (it wasnt them going home early or anything, he just wandered off by his account) and went to a strip club...and paid for a blowjob as you do?
Holes just keep appearing in this story, im sorry but i agree he seems to be minimising and saying whatever he thinks sounds the best to get him out of a bad situation.