Perspective please - am I overreacting to what DH did?

[Whywhywhywhy39]

I need some perspective please...

DH and I have been together for 21 years since we were 19. We have 2 DC, primary school age. We both work full time. Overall we have what I've long regarded as an incredibly lucky life - comfortable home, no money worries, close to our extended family, strong relationship ourselves.

On Sunday DH told me he has herpes. He got it from a strip bar. He went there at the beginning of Dec, was going out with friends but the evening didn't happen for some reason. Instead of comming home, he found this bar and went into a booth. Long story short, he paid some woman to give him a blow job and both touched each other.
A week or so after that the herpes appeared. He was diagnosed on 23 Dec.

We had a lot of family visiting over Christmas and into the new year, all staying with us. The last ones left last week and Sunday was the first quiet night we had together, so he told me.

I feel sick, and so so so let down. Perhaps betrayed? I don't know. Why would he do this? To us, to me, to let this horrid thing into our lives. And by "horrid thing" I mean buying sex from someone. The herpes isn't nice, but if he had got it from a previous partner with a cold sore I guess it would just be one if those things. But like this!

To be clear, visiting strip bars is entirely out of character. He's no saint but this is just way beyond normal for him, for us.

But am I over reacting? Is it just a strip club, hundreds of men go to them every night. I've tried telling myself that, but I still feel sick and shaken every time I think about him in that booth.

I could go on and on. Why? And why and why. I don't know if that question can ever be answered. But please, perspective, am I over reacting?
(FWIW he has not suggested I am, this is me trying to work thru in my head.)

Fifi yes, I would loathe the idea of such a man bringing up the DDs, but he may force his parental rights through the courts and bring them up anyway. OP can do little to stop that.g

Offred yes, sadly DCs are going to be affected one way or another. The question is what will be worse, divorce or reduced marriage? Only the OP will know, but asOP is a catholic there may be more pressure to stay.

I really don't know what to say. But in response to your question asking are you overreacting?
HELL NO!!

OP has he told you exactly where he went and the 'strippers' name?

I'm sorry that your lost your mother and I understand that you really miss her now . If this happened to my daughter I would so hurt and distressed for her and so very VERY angry at my SIL.

I get that you need time to work out what you feel . And what you think is the right thing to do . these might be two different things.

Take time. You have been together 20 years and have a whole life together. You can't explain the intricacies of a whole life by a few posts on a forum. You will still be shocked too.

I think perhaps you might need to find someone in RL to talk to though. x

You're definitely not overreacting OP. I don't know if my relationship would be strong enough to withstand that. I wish you the best of luck with your marriage if you decide to work at things with your H.
Just wanted to say, if it's type 1 on the genitals, there is a good chance he will never get another outbreak. If you google there is information to back this up.
I have had HSV-1 genitally, caught during oral sex with an ex partner when he didn't realise he had a cold sore coming on his lip. I have never had another episode since, I do also get cold sores on my face, from the same ex partner (hmm, wasn't he a joy! ).
Hope that if you do stay and work at things together that eases some of your worries. Best wishes to you, sorry you're going through this.

It's naive to suggest that it is not possible for it to be a strip club because strippers don't solicit for sex and no clubs allow/pressure for them to do this.

Some do. It is not allowed. That makes it improbable but not impossible.

What makes the story most unlikely is that it doesn't actually make sense for a lot of reasons.

As I understand the op he claims to have got herpes from touching the stripper and her touching him and after reading up on herpes she has decided it may have been a BJ.

His story is just a load of crap and it is more than likely he had actual sex and more than one time. Presumably he would be likely to see a sore on the person's face but not necessarily if they had sex etc.

He's made a story up about haphazardly wandering into a strip club and getting carried away touching a stripper...

Who knows what he did, but that's not the truth.

Staying in an unhappy marriage with a lying cheat IMO would be much worse. Children learn how to handle relationships from their parents. What love looks like from their parents. Daughters learn what is acceptable from what their mother accepts.

And yes there is a good chance he may never have another outbreak, a chance you could avoid being infected, but I'd not be able to have sex with him anyway.

Your absolutely not over reacting. If my husband came out with this ridiculous story (no way is it true) We would be finished that day. Sorry your having to go through this OP

I agree Offred. Especially regarding the children.

His affair partner has infected him is my guess. Was he generous with presents over Christmas? Was it absolutely going to be great? Everyone together, big family gathering?

I think you will find a lot of support from this website:

www.survivinginfidelity.com/

I agree with most posters. He is probably lying to you. You don't know the full story and you really need to know it. You must demand to see his phone and throughly go through it. Is he on his phone a lot? I would even consider getting a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hiding it in his car. You need to know what has been going on. Stay strong.

I would show mine the door right away. He will have to go through counselling, proper and through self reflection even to come near my home again. I do t know how men think they can get away with it? Would he be fine if it were you and the situation was reversed ?

Tbh, I just don't know what I would do, as I haven't ever been in this situation. I would be reeling, I would want him to go, but want him to stay to grill and interrogate and rage against him. My strong instinct would be to show the door. But, there's a marriage and children and a home probably in OP's thoughts, together with all the other emotional turmoil

I would talk to your brother, you may well be surprised at the support you receive.

Have concrete evidence it's grade one herpes?

Bloody hell OP no way are you overreacting.

I'm not sure how much it matters where he actually got it from (although you absolutely have a right to know) What would concern me more is that he is almost certainly lying about it being a one off, possibly lying about the circumstances and that he only told you at all because he got herpes.

You are right to take your time, you don't need to make any decisions right now: you are in shock. Do think about whether you'd prefer him to move out while you do your thinking though. And I hope you can find someone to talk to in real life (perhaps a counsellor if you can't face telling friends?)

I read your thread earlier this am but didn't get a chance to post. I did wonder at the time why/what made you think you were over-reacting, what you would consider a normal reaction? But reading your latest posts it does sound like you are in shock.

And understandably so, he's just thrown this life changing bomb in to the middle of your family. No matter what you decide big things are going to have to change.

You say you are someone who needs to think a while before acting, that's fine, but make a list of things you have to do such as STI check.

How is he acting? Is he assuming that life will carry on as normal?
For me a lot of what happens next would depend on that.

However for me I would have lost the plot at him and kicked him out straight away as I cannot believe that this was his first time, never mind that he fully knows my opinions on cheating/strip club/ sex workers.

This board can be very supportive, yes there will be those who will want you to act NOW, but there are others that understand that you need to set the pace.

And don't ever let him try to place any blame on you, no matter what was happening in your marriage; or what he try to say was happening (re-writing history is common) remember he made a series of decisions and actions that were his alone and only he is to blame.

I think this is vile. What a sleazy horrible business. don't think I could get past this. I'd be more likely to forgive an affair.

Yeah, he's lying.

More likely than not he's been having regular sex elsewhere, either paying for it or an affair. Sorry OP.

But I think you need to make your decision based on that reality, not this nonsense 'first time I wandered into a strip club' story.

There is generally a well worn path people who do this follow.

First it is just a kiss.

Then ok there was naked touching but he stopped because he loved you and felt guilty.

Then ok just the once.

They never tell you straight up they have been shagging anything that let's them for the entire length of your relationship.

He is a very very unlucky man that the only time he ever put a finger wrong it came back to bite him hard.

I would brace yourself for a world of hurt and lies.

Please get a complete STI check for yourself. You can't trust him.

I can't imagine having sex with someone who caught at STI whilst cheating on me. That will always be there. It won't be forgettable, regardless of how much time passes, it won't lessen. It will always be present, the elephant in the room, that he is infectious and you won't be able to have sex again without exposing yourself to the risk.

I'm not sure if he's lying about going to the strip club or if he genuinely thinks that he contracted it on that visit but actually got it on a previous visit, and just didn't notice then. Either way, he's lying to you. He's admitted the minimum, as they always do. He shows you no respect, no love.

Staying with him will be a massive compromise, and all the compromising is on your side. You'll also find that you can't trust him again because he lied so easily, and so convincingly, for so long. So you'll be accepting that not only does he have an STI, and lie to you, but he'll probably be cheating too.

I am a twice divorced Catholic not proud

However, I think he has minimised it to be "just" a blowjob rather than full blown sex. I don't believe it and I am having a hard time believing that it was all neatly diagnosed in such a short space of time. This will change your lives, all of you, it's not going to go away. Total dealbreaker for me. You must get STI checked, I had to when I found out the extent of my ex's infidelity, very unpleasant but totally necessary.

I am so sorry you're going through this OP, it's shit

Offred I think I wasn't very clear. I don't think staying means everything is swept under the carpet and OP pretends to her DDs that everything is happy and it is acceptable to stay with a lying cheat. That would be a bad outcome for OP and her DDs.

IMO there are all sorts of variations between staying and KHO. He has put them into this crisis, forcing OP to find a solution that works best for her and her pre teen/teenage DDs. KHO now and you have less options to manage that in the future.

It's good for all of us to say what we 'would' do in principle (esp as OP wanted that) but unfortunately he is the lying cheat who will always be her DDs father. So whatever OP does now, she will have to bear that in mind.