Perspective please - am I overreacting to what DH did?

[Whywhywhywhy39]

I need some perspective please...

DH and I have been together for 21 years since we were 19. We have 2 DC, primary school age. We both work full time. Overall we have what I've long regarded as an incredibly lucky life - comfortable home, no money worries, close to our extended family, strong relationship ourselves.

On Sunday DH told me he has herpes. He got it from a strip bar. He went there at the beginning of Dec, was going out with friends but the evening didn't happen for some reason. Instead of comming home, he found this bar and went into a booth. Long story short, he paid some woman to give him a blow job and both touched each other.
A week or so after that the herpes appeared. He was diagnosed on 23 Dec.

We had a lot of family visiting over Christmas and into the new year, all staying with us. The last ones left last week and Sunday was the first quiet night we had together, so he told me.

I feel sick, and so so so let down. Perhaps betrayed? I don't know. Why would he do this? To us, to me, to let this horrid thing into our lives. And by "horrid thing" I mean buying sex from someone. The herpes isn't nice, but if he had got it from a previous partner with a cold sore I guess it would just be one if those things. But like this!

To be clear, visiting strip bars is entirely out of character. He's no saint but this is just way beyond normal for him, for us.

But am I over reacting? Is it just a strip club, hundreds of men go to them every night. I've tried telling myself that, but I still feel sick and shaken every time I think about him in that booth.

I could go on and on. Why? And why and why. I don't know if that question can ever be answered. But please, perspective, am I over reacting?
(FWIW he has not suggested I am, this is me trying to work thru in my head.)

I think without the "speculation" OP would still be under the illusion that she is over reacting to the behaviour of a man who just had a little blip.

Come on, fair is fair.

OP has gained a lot of new perspective here, at her her ow admission.

*own

Fair enough, but at this stage, I am not sure I would want to see my DH called a bastard on line by a bunch of strangers, it may be true, but I might not be ready for that level of honesty.

Sorry, I didn't mean all posts here.

Op, I think you said dh says he has type 1 virus, but sti clinic told you they don't test for this? Isn't it possible that he has standard type 2 genital herpes contracted via sex, and he has told you its type 1 so that he can try and fool you I to thinking its "just" from a blow job?

Ask to see a copy of all his ati results. It is also possible he has something else that he hasn't disclosed.

When you say up thread that your H paid out money to your parents and you knew nothing about it but was he using his or was it both of your saving afterwards.

This small thing which you seem grateful for is a part of his sneakiness.

Can you see what he does over the years if you broke down your relationship how underhanded he has been.
It take a certain type person to do what he does and still coldly carry on like nothing has happened.

I know you are just looking out for the op, strong

We all are. She sounds fab.

Nothing to add but I'd be snooping now for what else he might have declined to tell you

Your posts sound like a very savvy and together woman OP, although I doubt you're feeling yourself.

After your last post I just wanted to add that remember, you don't have to drive the discussion with your H, don't be afraid of the silences and don't move to fill them...silences can be very telling.

Good Luck.

Did he get tested for everything?

Does he have to go back at a later date to be tested for other stuff or will it all show by the time he went?

If they don't test for type 1 because it is so common how did he get tested and diagnosed?

OP, make a note of all the questions on this thread. For example, magoria's are very, very pertinent.

You said yourself they "don't test" for type 1 HSV. So how does your H know he has it ?

Magoria, you stole my words! How come he figured it was type 1 if they don't test? Is there a chance they don't test but do an analysis of all symptoms and tell you their diagnosis right away?
OP you need to find out this specifically. This may be one of the key points for your discussion with him. Good luck . You must be feeling crap right now. Hugs from us all

Sorry, to be clear on testing: the clinic today said the NHS doesn't test unless you have symptoms present. DH went to a private clinic initially which may also be why it was tested.

The thing is, all this sitting him down for a chat and telling him he needs to tell the truth won't work because this person is a liar. You can't believe anything he tells you. He'd never have told you this whole cock and bull story if he hadn't come out with herpes lesions.

Good luck OP, there are some very good questions here which he needs to answer. You sound like you're dealing with this really well and I hope you get the answers you deserve.

Have you actually seen his results?

You are not over reacting! I think hes done this before but since he has contracted something he feels he needs to tell you, if this was me he would be gone before he finished speaking

OP, did he kiss his god daughter? Or was he wary even then?

Perhaps her parents may be the ones for you (both??) to talk to In RL?

Wishing you strength for the future.

I think the stripper / prostitute aspect could distract from the fact that your H is starting in on Chapter 1 of The Cheater's Handbook. First he is only telling you because he got caught, second he is minimising as much as he can, third more details are only coming out as he gets cornered, fourth he is looking to you to fix it. Next (as someone else said) he will be blaming you for it and trying to rewrite the history of your marriage.

The prostitute angle just makes it so much worse.

So he was capable of getting up the next day and acting normally, even playig happy families. No apparent upset, remorse, nothing...that's quite an act, a practiced one I would imagine

About the blow job - did he tell you he had a blow job or are you surmising that because it's type 1?

If you're surmising it, don't rule out the possibility it could be from full sex too - type 1 is the common cold sore, but equally if someone has type 1 on their nether regions they can pass it on in sex too.

needastrongone
The man is married and he paid a woman to give him a blow job. Those are the facts (not speculation) and they make him a bastard. What we don't yet know, but is quite likely, is that he's minimising and hiding more transgressions, which would make him more of a bastard. But in my book, he's already "earned" the title of bastard, thanks to what he's already admittedly to.

I think the probability of his story being true is very very low, almost impossible. You need to push and push hard to find out what went on here.

Good luck OP, you sound like a together woman.

I'm so sorry, it's such a huge shock and so hard to believe your DH could do this.

I was married to a good, kind man for whom cheating would have been out of character for him too. I believed that even after I found a sexual text he'd sent to another woman. His behaviour was exactly the same as it had always been even though I was looking for signs then. No obvious guilt or a change in how he was with me.

It turned out he was having an affair and the OW was one in a long line. So he could act normal with me because it was normal for him to lie and cheat.

I posted on MN and got some wonderful support but perhaps more importantly I got a lot of insight. I was naïve and trusting and really found it difficult to think of my husband as the bastard that he was called because he had lots of good qualities and I thought it was out of character.

I am sorry but I do think, from my own experience and I am aware I am projecting, that most of the posters are right in that this is not the first time your DH has cheated on you. I also think he only told you because he had no choice with the Herpes. If he hadn't caught it I think you would still be in blissful ignorance thinking he's wonderful.

If you had cheated on your DH you would be wracked with guilt. You probably couldn't look him in the eye and he would probably sense something was up from your behaviour. Your DH was entirely normal with you. Not only did he cheat but he didn't feel guilty almost certainly because he had done it before.

I hope your DH is honest with you when you talk but they often lie and minimise and then lie and minimise some more.

Please talk to your brother. You really need some support in real life. I didn't tell anyone in RL for a while and when I did tell my sister it helped a hell of a lot.

Sorry for the essay but your post has really resonated with me.

I think you're right to take your time to decide what you want to do and I wish you all the best whatever decision you make.

Question you have to ask yourself is, do I really want to put myself at risk of catching herpes from a man that feels comfortable sitting around looking at other women instead of maybe coming home to see his wife and kids.

He sounds 'wrong', very, very wrong!