Perspective please - am I overreacting to what DH did?

[Whywhywhywhy39]

I need some perspective please...

DH and I have been together for 21 years since we were 19. We have 2 DC, primary school age. We both work full time. Overall we have what I've long regarded as an incredibly lucky life - comfortable home, no money worries, close to our extended family, strong relationship ourselves.

On Sunday DH told me he has herpes. He got it from a strip bar. He went there at the beginning of Dec, was going out with friends but the evening didn't happen for some reason. Instead of comming home, he found this bar and went into a booth. Long story short, he paid some woman to give him a blow job and both touched each other.
A week or so after that the herpes appeared. He was diagnosed on 23 Dec.

We had a lot of family visiting over Christmas and into the new year, all staying with us. The last ones left last week and Sunday was the first quiet night we had together, so he told me.

I feel sick, and so so so let down. Perhaps betrayed? I don't know. Why would he do this? To us, to me, to let this horrid thing into our lives. And by "horrid thing" I mean buying sex from someone. The herpes isn't nice, but if he had got it from a previous partner with a cold sore I guess it would just be one if those things. But like this!

To be clear, visiting strip bars is entirely out of character. He's no saint but this is just way beyond normal for him, for us.

But am I over reacting? Is it just a strip club, hundreds of men go to them every night. I've tried telling myself that, but I still feel sick and shaken every time I think about him in that booth.

I could go on and on. Why? And why and why. I don't know if that question can ever be answered. But please, perspective, am I over reacting?
(FWIW he has not suggested I am, this is me trying to work thru in my head.)

I'm on my phone and so not good at posting links. As far as I can work out "minister" isn't used instead of priest. It describes people working within the church, some of them not ordained. Of course, the internet is not always right but if you put " Catholic minister" into a search engine you get quite a few explanations. Anyway, I'll leave it there. I feel like I've derailed enough!

I actually think you have handled this well, what a way to drop after a lovely Christmas. Good for you getting yourself checked out and for recognising that you don't want your life being read online like the Truman show. You sound like you have the inner strength to find your way.

Jux - we must be the same kind of Catholic then - never hard a catholic call the priest minister.

Oh what the heck. The OP seems to have gone so I don't suppose it matters if I derail the thread a bit more. The op said her H was going to see the minister. Within the context of the Catholic church that would NOT necessarily mean the priest. It would be someone, not necessarily ordained, who works for the church. I think it may be more a US thing but nonetheless, there are ministers within the Catholic church BUT minister is not synonymous with priest.

Gabilan - you have said you don't really know or mix with Catholics. Several life long Catholics here who have been through the whole Catholic Church and education system etc are saying we don't say minister - I guess you know better though seeing as you googled it.

No real view to offer apart from one of support. If its any help, I don't think I know / knew what is or isn't on offer in a strip club. Thinking of you. I may be tempted to do small things of revenge, for example eating his piece of cake, making sure that you are only doing the bare minimum for him so he's aware its not business as usual.

Another Catholic here. You know those people who give out communion in mass? Eucharistic Ministers. HTH.

What's this preoccupation with it being a minister or a priest? Just take the OP at face value. There are various denominations and sects which have a connection to Catholicism in countries all over the world. We can't go through them all trying to find out which one the OP was referring to. Also the OP might have said Catholicism as an attempt to deflect away from being Anglican, Presbyterian or orthodox so as to make herself unrecognisable to people who know her? Regardless they are a religious family and part of a religious community which holds acts that hurt others or destroy the sanctimony of marriage as bad.

I was thinking the same Custard, Eucharistic ministers, Liturgical ministers etc. There are many ministries within the church that lay people undertake such as sacramental preparation, taking communion to the sick etc.

I really hope the OP finds a way forward in her own time. Her H has been awful and this could well be the tip of the iceberg. Good luck OP.

Bambambini I think sometimes when you know a lot about something it can be harder to be receptive to knew information because you know this stuff. Whereas it struck me as really unfair that people were questioning the OP's integrity because she used the "wrong" word.
Some PP got hung up on the idea that the OP had referred to a priest as a minister. It didn't take me long to work out that there are ministers in the Catholic church and that they aren't priests. Am I claiming to know better than a Catholic what the Eucharist means? No, of course not. But sometimes you get a better view from a distance, rather than close up.

As it's causing so much confusion, here is the priest v minister explanation. DH is going to see a minister from a local Protestant church. He heard him speak at an event he went to with a friend about 18 months ago and was very impressed. Our parish priest is, shall we say, not in the first flush of youth and he doesn't feel speaking to him would be productive.

He has been on best behaviour all weekend, making meals and doing homework and sorting washing etc. Which is lucky as I have felt like I'm underwater all weekend - dazed and distant from the world. I went completely the wrong way driving to my father's house tonight.

I can only deal with this the way I that makes sense to me, and that's by going slowly and evaluating what he's done against a 20 year relationship that means a huge amount to me. I don't think he's a regular visitor to lap bars but I also don't think he was entirely unaware of what he was signed up for that night. For now though, the first hurdle is Friday when I get the results of the STI tests. If anything comes back positive he will be out immediately.

Very strange but I still haven't cried. Life falls to bits around your ears and you just sit there watching the dust cloud.

I'm not sure why it makes a difference if you have caught something or not. His betrayal is still the same imho

Also, s someone said up thread, you will not get a positive on the herpes test unless you have an active outbreak. Which, if it were your first, you'd probably know about. Alternatively you may have been carrying the herpes virus for years without knowing it. I think your focus on the Sti is a bit of a distraction because no matter what the result he can spin it either way (although I obviously hope you are aok)

I'm not going to castigate you for doing what you think is right. But just remember, this marriage that is so important to you, was not important to him that night. And I would still bet my mortgage that you don't know the truth - or the whole truth - and that that will eat away at you. You cannot work through this without full possession of the full facts.

I'm not sure why it makes a difference if you have caught something or not. His betrayal is still the same imho

Also, s someone said up thread, you will not get a positive on the herpes test unless you have an active outbreak. Which, if it were your first, you'd probably know about. Alternatively you may have been carrying the herpes virus for years without knowing it. I think your focus on the Sti is a bit of a distraction because no matter what the result he can spin it either way (although I obviously hope you are aok)

I'm not going to castigate you for doing what you think is right. But just remember, this marriage that is so important to you, was not important to him that night. And I would still bet my mortgage that you don't know the truth - or the whole truth - and that that will eat away at you. You cannot work through this without full possession of the full facts.

Sorry about the double post. I got an error message first time

For all those creating a hoo haa in regards to the ops life choices. She asked for opinions. Not direction. A fact that many on here seem to have difficulty getting there head around. She didn't just hand you a virtual set of puppet strings to do with how you see fit. Her life. Her decisions. The incredulous gasps of shock horror that she hasn't hung drawn and quartered him already once again highlights the dangers of sites like this. You don't know her(or him) from Adam so are in no position to make assumptions in regards to her choices in light of his indiscretions. According to op it was out of character and most likely an isolated offence. To disagree with this and claim otherwise just makes you look stupid. Fortunately she seems intelligent enough to gloss over the BS and hysteria. Unfortunately I fear there's quite a few in other posts that aren't.

Have you finished telling us all off johnthomas?

Johnthomas are you the 'DH'?

FWIW, I think the comment down thread was spot on. Did he think the special meant it came with chips?'

So, he's now helping out with the washing and housework and making all the right noises about talking to a minister? Maybe he should've done both these things before breaking his marriage vows?

I also feel that the herpes thing is not the be all and end all, even if you haven't got it, he still did what he did. Also, like many have said would you know had he not been caught out? Why hasn't he already gone to the minister the moment he'd acted so dreadfully? The remorse is very delayed!

Good luck OP, I think you're going to go through a lot of heartache no matter if you do stand by him or not.

It is worth thinking about is he sorry he was caught or sorry that he did it? Of course he feels uncomfortable now seeing you in distress. But he could have predicted that his actions could cause you pain, yet that was not enough to stop him.

It's all very easy for us to sit behind our screens and shout LTB, but in practice it's not that easy and a 20+ year marriage is your life so to have it shaken the way your H has done is a real shock to the system. I think it's typical he's now on his best behaviour, how long do you think that charade will last before it's business as usual again?

Thanks so much Johnthomas! Thank God we have a man to curb our silliness and hysteria

You are so right - we don't know this man who fell into a 'strip bar' and accidentally landed with his knob in a prostitute's mouth.

We are all old enough, wise enough and experienced enough to know life ain't black and white and people don't generally fall neatly into 'good' or 'bad' cateogories.

Most of us know that a man who will be unfaithful and bring home a serious STI is one that has massively turned his wife's life upside down.

And that she will struggle hugely with this for a long time. And that she cannot, with the best intention in the world, know if he is telling the truth. The problem is that most women on this board who have been in similar situations know that is very very likely not the truth.

That's because you are in shock Why. I suspect the tears will come. I think I might feel the same. Year ago, when we found out that DF had been having an affair, we all went into this strange parallel universe, all going about our daily business and normal routines, while DM decided what she might do, they had been married over 30 years. I can get how you are feeling.

I don't know if you have already, but speaking to someone in RL would be a good idea I think.

again.

He has been on best behaviour all weekend, making meals and doing homework and sorting washing etc.

That's "best behaviour" in your house?

Who does it when neither of you has brought as STI home?

I don't think he's a regular visitor to lap bars

He didn't visit a lap bar. He visited a prostitute, according to his own (highly implausible) story.

And it certainly wasn't the first time. And he wouldn't even be pretending it was going to be the last if he had't caught herpes.

to make assumptions in regards to her choices in light of his indiscretions. According to op it was out of character and most likely an isolated offence. To disagree with this and claim otherwise just makes you look stupid

Assumptions? Indiscretions?

It's one hell of an 'indiscretion' to go into Soho into a sex club/brothel, pay your money, get your dick out and stick it in a paid sex worker's mouth catching herpes in the process (if the 'it was only a blow job' story is even true, which I don't think it is for a moment).

It is the fact that the OP, you or or anyone else on here sets any credibility by his claim that it was the first and only time he did anything like this 'an isolated offence' as you put it, that I find astounding.

This poor misguided chap stumbled into Soho, stumbled into a sex joint, stumbled into handing over money for a 'special', accidentally put his dick in someone's mouth and on the very first and only occasion he did it he caught herpes? And he was befuddled and 'unaware' of what he was doing while all this was happening? Yeah right and I'm the next Miss World.

And he is now paying penitence by sorting the washing and doing the cooking? I've heard it all now!

If it was my husband he'd be flying out the door with my boot up his arse, 20 years or no 20 years, but heyho we are all different. The OP is free to make her own choices about what she does and where she goes from here but it is the sheer gullibility that has me (and I suspect most of us) in disbelief.

Good Luck OP,what ever you decide is best for you I hope it all works out.

I can't believe, what some women will put up with.

This is so sad.

20 years or no - this man's behaviour is so disgusting.

I left a 20 year relationship for less. He cheated. But even he wouldn't have gone in to a seedy strip club and paid a whore to suck his dick. And then, the cherry on the cake - bring an STI home.