Perspective please - am I overreacting to what DH did?

[Whywhywhywhy39]

I need some perspective please...

DH and I have been together for 21 years since we were 19. We have 2 DC, primary school age. We both work full time. Overall we have what I've long regarded as an incredibly lucky life - comfortable home, no money worries, close to our extended family, strong relationship ourselves.

On Sunday DH told me he has herpes. He got it from a strip bar. He went there at the beginning of Dec, was going out with friends but the evening didn't happen for some reason. Instead of comming home, he found this bar and went into a booth. Long story short, he paid some woman to give him a blow job and both touched each other.
A week or so after that the herpes appeared. He was diagnosed on 23 Dec.

We had a lot of family visiting over Christmas and into the new year, all staying with us. The last ones left last week and Sunday was the first quiet night we had together, so he told me.

I feel sick, and so so so let down. Perhaps betrayed? I don't know. Why would he do this? To us, to me, to let this horrid thing into our lives. And by "horrid thing" I mean buying sex from someone. The herpes isn't nice, but if he had got it from a previous partner with a cold sore I guess it would just be one if those things. But like this!

To be clear, visiting strip bars is entirely out of character. He's no saint but this is just way beyond normal for him, for us.

But am I over reacting? Is it just a strip club, hundreds of men go to them every night. I've tried telling myself that, but I still feel sick and shaken every time I think about him in that booth.

I could go on and on. Why? And why and why. I don't know if that question can ever be answered. But please, perspective, am I over reacting?
(FWIW he has not suggested I am, this is me trying to work thru in my head.)

That should read - u can't be tested until u have an active flare up.

Elendon - most likely, since you have cold sores, from you!

Offerd, my children have never had cold sores. So I got it from my parents? But how?

Any chance you guys could take your general herpes chat to another thread ?

We have a devastated OP here.

It's not likely you will ever know who you got it from.

You most likely caught it from kissing someone who was shedding.

By your parents or anyone with herpes virus (usually cold sores) kissing you or just touching you or you touching them wh n they have an outbreak or even the start of one when it's not obvious. Why do you think it's so common and so easy to catch?

You could develope genital herpes yourself as you already have the virus.

50% of herpes carriers never have a symptom

I agree AF but the OP is being given crap info in regard to some STI that she might develope and the scaremongering and OTT false information here could be upsetting to her.

OP, so so sorry for you to go through this. What a terrible situation to find yourself.

I have to agree with pps and say that he has most likely not told you the full story and is now drip feeding you the minimum he can get away with.

I would ask him to leave for a while while you sort you heart and head out and come to terms with what he has told you. I must stress you should visit your GP asap and get tested yourself.

Personally I don't think forgive what he has done and I'd be telling him to leave. I wouldn't be able to share intimacy with a person who has so little regard for my health and wellbeing as well as no respect for the marriage as such.

I know Bambam. But hopefully she is getting the correct info and support at the sexual health clinic this afternoon.

I give up. Purely because this is turning out to be a derail.

The OP is being tested for an STI this afternoon. And that in itself must be devastating.

I'm so sorry you are going through this op, I'm sure you spent this afternoon at the clinic thinking how the hell did I get here? Your world has been turned upside down, however it hasn't happened because of some tragic event, the person who you love, have had children with and built a life with, has put you here. Please don't forget that

Oh OP what a horrible horrible shock.

I'm afraid I also agree that this is very unlikely to have been a one-off. Id say you are either goingto be lied to to your face, or you are going to uncover a whole much bigger heap of pain. I'm so sorry

OP, my heart goes out to you, what an unbelievable and painful shock.

I won't speculate at all, I just wanted to say that I hope your tests come back OK for your physical health and that you find the strength to get through this. You must feel that your world's been exploded and rightly so. Please don't doubt yourself over the enormity of what's happened and the fallout.

Do nothing in haste, gather your support and consider your and your DCs long term future

I went to the clinic today, and I will have test results in a week. They don't test for type 1 herpes as so many people have it (it being the cold sore type). So no conclusive answer there, just be wary of catching it.

I am about to leave work. I plan to speak to DH this evening to ask exactly what happened that night. And I have concluded that he intended to get away with it as he didn't tell me immediately but only when ill.

I have not decided what to do about it all.

When he first told me he said he would stop going out or have a curfew or whatever I wanted. I said I wasn't going to impose anything as then I'm "punishing" him and months down the line it becomes "the wife won't let me" and my fault. I said he needed to decide how to change his life so this doesn't happen again, that he must do something and must tell me what. I'm still largely of that view. But I want answers to questions I hadn't thought of.

This thread has made me realise how naive I am - I thought you could get a BJ in a strip club, had no idea it wasn't standard. So I would never have questioned that. And obviously once you know it's not standard, you have to ask how you knew to how to arrange it. Etc etc down dark corners I never thought I'd go.

Thank you for your support today, and opening my eyes to some things. I can't say I'm looking forward to the answers but at least I'm not going in as an innocent abroad.

and

Why, you are doing brilliantly. Take each half and hour as it comes and get through each one. You are stronger than you even imagined.

Good that you said that, keep control. We are all here for you. Threads rarely touch me, but I can't even imagine what I would feel, being married similar periods and with teen DC, so you've touched a chord.

See if you can get your answers. Then make decisions from there. x

I said he needed to decide how to change his life so this doesn't happen again, that he must do something and must tell me what

Even at such a time you show utter wisdom, Whywhy. You're absolutely right of course that the need to address this behaviour lies entirely with him - whatever you do please don't let him weasel out of that

I also wish you the very best with trying for truthful answers, though frankly I don't hold out much hope; it just isn't what they usually do, and besides he's now had time to think about what to say. Stranger things have happened though, and my fingers are firmly crossed for you

Good luck OP. Find out which club he went to and Google them/email them posing as a guy asking about 'extras', see what they say. I'd bet my bottom dollar he didn't get his cock sucked by a stripper the first time he accidentally, by suprise ended up in a strip joint, no way.

Very dodgy story have u considered he may actually have had ONS or has been having an affair? He's a very good liar.

Why, I am so full of admiration for you after that post.

OP well done for getting to the clinic.

Keep posting here for support.

When you sit him down to talk to him, prep yourself for what possibly may happen.
Listen he could break down and confess all.
He could remain calm and stick to his story.
He could equally get very uncomfortable and potentially angry.

I got the last one. A lot of people here get the last one. If he responds with anger your default reaction may be to back off and leave well enough alone. Which for tonight may be the smart thing to do. But watch for what his reaction is...it will be very telling.

Good luck.

OP, you sound like a marvellous woman. I hope you know your own worth. Find it, and hold on to it.

It will serve you well in the next little while.

Do not believe strip club. I bet it was a brothel. on his own? Definitely. And he's obviously been before. What he's told you is bullshit and down playing it big time.
I would say nothing and uncover the truth. Bet start checking those bank accounts for large cash withdrawn.
Just stumbled in did he? Bastard.

I would sit down with him tonight and ask him to be totally honest. After he had finished I would calmly request his phone(s) tablet laptop etc and I would check through them. In front of him. I would want complete transparency - he owes you this at least.

If there was something in there which led me to beleive he hasnt told you the whole truth it would be the end for us. If there is nothing more on there, I would explain that you need some time to think about things and ask him to go stay elsewhere for three or four nights.

Can we stop the speculation and support Why please? She's doing brilliantly, and needs to do this in her own, wise way.