Re: Feeling so down after husband has left me for another woman after 30 years

[Hushabyemountain98]

I posted yesterday but was a bit too detailed.
I am feeling so down and tonight I found myself sobbing out load.
I am finding this so hard. Even though I have a supportive family and friends.

Having a better day than I did yesterday x

Hello Hush.How are you today?Have been thinking of you.I hope anger starts to kick in for you soon.It so helps.Lose the word (why) from your head,instead put the word F**r.I am not one for swearing but it helped me,made me laugh.In a funny way,gave me backbone.Also realise,its nothing you have done, maybe like me you did too much.Do not undermine yourself,or let him.Put his stuff in a binbag and when he next comes hand it over at the door.Tell him contact only through your solicitor.That will give him something to think about.Be good to you.x

Hello Timetosay58.
Thank you for your message.
I am better today than I was yesterday. I was so low. I got some sleep last night.
You made me laugh too! I have to find my anger!
As you say I did do too much.
He is coming to collect stuff tomorrow but I want him to go as soon as possible.He will not be able to take all his stuff tomorrow so he will be back again. If I put stuff in a bin bag he will have a fit!
I have to take some control of this situation.
Thanks again x

Is it possible for you to be out and someone else be in the house when he comes to collect his stuff? This must be agony for you.

So he has a fit.So what.Not your problem.Stop thinking of him.Think of YOU Hush.He is only thinking of himself.He knows how to play you.Time to let him be aware thats not happening anymore.Please,do whats best for you.Let him see you will not be walked over anymore.x

I am so sorry this has happened to you. It is totally devastating. And the best advice I was given was it's okay to 'just get through the day' at this stage.
I was taking each day as it came, dealing with my young children the best I could.
Some days I could barely function but as time went on it did get easier.
I am 10 months on and I am not going to lie I do have wobbles from time to time, mainly in the evenings when the kids are in bed but the next day is always better.
Please look after yourself though, eat properly as I didn't and it ended up with me I hospital for a week.
The pain will ease, I promise.
And people here are fantastic they brought me back from a very dark place on many occasions. Keep talking and just take each day as it comes for now.

It takes a while for the anger to kick in as you are literally so shell shocked but eventually it will come ..put the stuff in the bin bag - sod him !

Thank you Morganly for your message.
I really need to be here. A friend is coming to be here with me.
You are right, it is agony for me x

Thank you again Timetosay58 for your message.
The thing is we are not just talking about clothes.
Trust me I don't want to cross him x

Thank you Sweetsecret for your message.
I am sorry that you have had to go through this.
I have been told just to take a day at a time or even a few hours!
Yesterday was a really dark day for me and I am not looking forward to tomorrow.
I am trying to eat something now as I was not eating at all. I cannot afford to end up in hospital. I am sure you couldn't either.
There are so many great people on here including yourself.
I hope all goes well for you.
Many Thanks x

Hello Eamonn. No bin bags yet! Maybe later!
Just got to get through tomorrow.
Waiting to put my angry pants on soon! x

Good Afternoon. I got through it without crying or shouting! Still very hard x

Feeling really upset again. I feel so lonely. I cannot do this x

You can do this, yes it's hard but honestly you will game out the other side. Have you phoned a solicitor yet ? You need legal advice about how to gonfirward.

Thank you notapizzaeater.
Yes I have a solicitor.
I have just been dumped and he doesn't care one bit. He has what he wants.
Now I've got to grow old on my own x

Hello Hushabye, I'm so very sorry this has happened to you. It's so hard that they don't seem to care about the devastation they caused isnt it. I went no contact with ex for quite a while because it brought me so low to see him/speak to him.

Just wanted to tell you a couple of things that helped me, which were walking or swimming (seemed to help with the horrible churning feeling in my stomach.). And I wrote about how I felt in a journal. I had counselling too which was fantastic. There were also a couple of books/websites that helped - can let you know details if you're interested.

And take extra good care of yourself because you deserve it. Will be thinking of you.

You can do this, and you will. If it was not this woman it would be someone else, the man is incapable of staying faithful. Do you really want to live like that? Accepting some crumbs of comfort when he decides to be nice to you for five minutes?
It's just uncertainty and worry about the future that is making you upset, you have your friends and family around you, you have your sons support.

Yes, you're right he doesn't care, he's not the man you married, he's a selfish, insensitive bastard. But you can't change that, you can however change how you react to this going forward. You either stand or you fall. The best revenge is to live well. You will not be alone, eaten by cats, you will be a new woman, independent and living happily, maybe with another partner if that's what you want.

But for now, you are still grieving the future that you expected to have, it's very early days. You are still in shock I believe, the pain is still so raw for you. I'm holding your hand, hush my lovely, I've been there and have the particularly shitty t-shirt. It just takes time to get through this.

I also felt paranoid when i first posted on MN. You can make identifying info indistinct. Who is going to see this and recognise it? There are any number of people, sadly, who are going through similar - I guarantee no-one is going to recognise it as long as you leave out eg where you live etc. Even then, not everyone is on MN!

You sound terrified of him, that he's in your head, knows what you're doing. He doesn't! He isn't your owner, your dad, your boss, your headmaster.

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? Do take a look xx

Hello Change2013 thank you for your message.
I'm sorry that it happened to you too.
I hope you are in a better place now?
I don't think they do care!
Hopefully I won't have to see him for a while.
Thank you for your helpful tips. I go for walks with my dogs but even that is hard work at the moment.
Another friend suggested keeping a journal.
I had counseling when I went through this before.
Could you please let me know the details of the books/websites that helped you?

Thank you x

Thank you again Hobbitwife001.
I know what you are saying is true. It is so difficult though as it was like he was a stranger and we have been together for over 30 years.
I think you are right about the uncertainty and worry about the future.
Yes I have the support so my family and friends and my two wonderful sons and caring people like you on MN.
I am sorry that you went through a really rotten time. Thank you so much. I just wish I could stop crying. You must think that I am a really weak person.
Xx

Thank you again springydaffs.
Yes I think he has controlled me for years.
He has put me down constantly and now he has dumped me(again).
So I am at such a low ebb. I have no self esteem or self confidence left. I feel totally worthless.
I haven't heard of the Freedom Programme. I will take a look.
Xx

Of course I don't think you are weak, hush my love, it's just awful those first few months, and I was just as devestated as you. I just don't want you to think that it the end of everything, it isn't, but you are still in the depths of despair and I want to tell you that the pain will end and you will come through this. Sending you every good wish, xx

Thank you again Hobbitwife001.
Thank you for all your understanding. That really helps.
You are right I am still in the depths of despair. I need to find a way to climb out of it. I looked at the knife block again tonight but I cannot do that either because of my sons.
I just hope that as you say the pain will end and I will come through it.
Thank you so much xx

It will my love, I promise you that. I think you need to go back to your gp, if you are having thoughts of harming yourself. You need some more help.

They should have asked you this when you had your last appointment. He really isn't worth your distress. You will look back and be astonished at how low he brought you. I second the freedom programme and also contact women's aid, they can be a great help.

Dear Hush,
Sending you strength - it's a hard journey that you're on. For what it's worth, I live alone in my 60s after the break up of my relationship and, as others have said, it can be a good life. I am far happier than I ever thought I would be. I didn't choose to be alone but have learnt that it is possible to live happily (and a very new puppy has helped!!)
I know that at the moment you are in the middle of utmost despair, but you can and will get though it in time.
Do talk on here - I have seen the most fantastic support that some people have received.