Husha, I pushed for our separation after discovering the mother of all betrayals but even so it completely and utterly floored me. Three years later Im better than Ive been for years. I still have some very dark times but they're not so often now and they don't last long, a couple of hours perhaps, and I always know there's light at the end of the tunnel so I put my head down and get through them. Yesterday was a bit dodgy so at 10.30 am I was in the Cinema on my own. It was great and took my mind of something else.
I think however its would be honest to admit that me and the children will never get over whats happened and I think its because of the length of time we were together as a family, and the reality of the life my husband now leads. There are 3 generations involved here, its a lot of people who's lives have been taken apart.
But that said, we're all happy. Its what happens when you live your days without a persons nonsense and what the persons nonsense brings into your life.
We don't talk to each other about 'moving on' although we have in the past. In fact I hate this 'moving on' malarky because its seem to imply there's a weakness in people if they're not jumping up and down somewhere saying thank god I got rid of the bastard and Ive 'moved on'. So as a family we live with the reality that our lives have improved since I took the hands my children were holding out to me and I eventually jumped when they said - come on mama, just jump! Me staying in the situation for the sake of keeping us together as a family after a lifetime as a family was in actual fact destroying us as individuals as well as a family that in reality consisted of mum, children, and grandchildren. It had gotten to the stage where my children's home lives and relationships were being affected by it all so I was basically told - we cannot help you stay in this in any longer, its destroying all of us, but we can and will do everything to help you put together a new life if you take the hands we're holding out to you and you jump. So I did. Eventually.
Life is now as it should be. I now have the family and life I was flogging a dead horse for with my husband. Oh and I like me, the woman I now am. I'd kind of got lost along the way and to be honest there are times when I say or do something and I think - get you, was that really you just then?
And on a completely ridiculous note - I now wear shoes with quite a heel on them. I was always the same height as my husband at 5'9" so I never wore much of a heel - but I do now.
And I travel. I now go off alone on adventures and on my last trip I went away Whale watching in Alaska. Not that Im going on holiday alone this year because two friends have each said - Im coming with your this year. So in a few months its the length of Italy with one friend by train stopping where ever we fancy, and later on this year its back to the Caribbean then a week at Disney World with another. I love Disney. My brother and his wife took me there months after my separation though I'd spent a life time saying I'd never go to 'that place'. I went and I loved it. And this will be the third time Im going back.
Life can and will be good for you again though I understand that right now you feel it never will be again.
We've lived most of our life and we owe it to ourselves to enjoy the rest of it. It really would be terrible to be sitting there 25 years from now saying - where has my life gone?