Re: Feeling so down after husband has left me for another woman after 30 years

[Hushabyemountain98]

I posted yesterday but was a bit too detailed.
I am feeling so down and tonight I found myself sobbing out load.
I am finding this so hard. Even though I have a supportive family and friends.

Thank you again Hobbitwife001.
I may go back to my GP.
I have to get myself out of this pit.
Thank you xx

Dear louisa,
Thank you for your kind message.
I am glad that you are happy again now.
Good luck with the puppy. I have two dogs and they are good company.
Thank you for your support. Xx

Hush,
I see you go for walks with your dogs - I find walking the dog a real help. I can chat and smile at others if I want to or just rage and rant through the wind and rain like a mad woman . I know he needs to get out so that's taking a bit of responsibility for someone. At your stage in this process, it really is taking tiny minute little steps at the moment.
Have you read some of the threads on this board from others in a similar situation to you? I wonder whether you might find them helpful?

Thank you louisatwo. Yes it is good to get out and walk the dogs. I always talk to them when I am out and as the younger one does not do as she is told I shout too. I used to talk to people when I was out with them but at the moment I try to avoid them if I can.
A lot of people have told me to take a few hours at a time at the moment.
I will read some of the other threads on this board.
Thanks again xx

Hello Hush, just wanted to say hello and that I'm thinking of you. Sorry that it's so hard. Please believe it will get easier.

Thank you Chiconbeige for your kind message.
Thank you for thinking of me. I really hope that it will get easier soon.
Xx

Hushabye, I intended to come on and sympathise with you and your plight but I don't! You will come through this a happier and stronger woman - and the life that you will lead in future will have the merit of being an honest life.

Which, from the sounds of it, it never was before!

You're better off without your ex, who seems to me has lost much more than you have - in that he has lost the respect of his sons, which I doubt he'll ever regain.

I've been happily married for 45 years and we have two children - the thought of losing their respect is not something I want to contemplate.

All the very best to you!

Hello Hush
I hope that you are managing to get some sleep at this moment.
I'm 10 months in from my husband walking out from me and our two young children without any prior discussion or warning. We were together for 28 years and had known each other well for at least ten years before becoming a couple. The shock was traumatic and devastating, I simply could not believe that this man who I loved unconditionally and completely trusted could do this and then move in with the other woman almost immediately.
I simply hadn't a clue. The only way I could ignore the thumping in my chest was to keep moving. I walked for miles. And if the weather was too awful to
walk outside I'd pace up and down in the kitchen and hall. When the children were asleep I'd walk a figure of eight in the garden. Anything to ignore the thumping in my chest. The first time I managed some sleep after he had left was about four days afterwards, when I woke up 2 hours later I thought that I had actually died and had woken up in some sort of afterlife! I can laugh about it now.
But slowly, slowly things have got better. The kindness and compassion of friends and strangers has really been incredible. To the point where tonight three friends and myself have been drinking wine and dancing to my records in my living room. And having a proper laugh. Something that ten months ago would have seemed unimaginable. I can now see that a future without my husband will probably be better for me than with my husband, a thought that would have previously been inconceivable.
If I'm honest, deep down inside I would still like him to come back home but I realise that is probably very unlikely, and actually for many reasons not for the best. But it's taken ten months to get to this stage, and there's a lot more soul searching to go!
It does get better Hush it really does. And it takes as long as it takes. There is no fixed time for this. Lurking about on Mumsnet has helped, reading old threads let me know that I am not alone and that sadly our husbands are as cruel, callous and plain nasty as many others. I can't see too far ahead in the future, it's a bit of a void. But that's ok for now.
We just have to keep trundling on at our own pace till we get to a better place. And it will be a better place.
Take care my lovely x

Feeling really upset again. I feel so lonely. I cannot do this

Husha, I know its hard not to look at the years in front of you and wonder how you'll manage but the reality is that the years ahead of you aren't important for the time being. Whats important now is breaking the day down into small bits and getting to the next part of it the best way you can. I used to go to bed and think 'ok, tomorrow morning when I get up Im going to get through the first two hours by doing x, y, or z, and if I can do that Im then going to try the next hour doing such and such. And its funny because Ive always been a very early riser who jumped out of bed as soon as her eyes were open but Ive now found that I prefer a much slower and gentler start to the day. I get up, have a wee freshen up, get my breakfast sorted then go back to bed with it all and read the paper, my emails, and watch something on catch up. I love it and once I get up properly, about two hours after I first got up, so about 8am, I then get showered etc and start my day. Where I live people are at work from about 7am so me getting up properly at 8 is a bit of a late start

And thats the point Im trying to make here - dont worry about years in front of you because the way you live the little bits of your day in the here and now will be the making of your life in the future. You're going to discover so much about yourself even though you might not even be aware of it right now.

I know that right now you wont be able to comprehend this or much of anything we say to you because your pain and upset is so overwhelming but if you could try and persuade yourself to concentrate on the here and now emotionally I think you would find it helps.

Reading back through your posts its apparent that this is the second time you've found yourself in this situation with your husband. It happened to me also and I realised that I lived with quite a high level of 'invisible' fear after his first set of antics. A few years later I then discovered his second lot of antics and it was enough for me so I instigated our separation and part of it was because I was determined I'd never live in fear again. You see, thats what these men want. They want us to be 'cowed' and to live in fear, to be their victim always, even when its all done and dusted. They want to move on with knowing they had overwhelmed us, that even to the end they had us where they wanted us. So it really is important that you try to stop being afraid (probably even of your own shadow right now) and break down your day into bite sized pieces that you can do, and don't scare you, because one day they'll all add up into a life that you meet head on and enjoy as a confident woman who doesn't scare easily.

There really is so much more for you out there than life as a woman in a one-sided relationship with a man who made cheating and having you in a corner a lifestyle choice.

I will get back to that Im reply later today. Its been a bit hectic here with my son. xxxxx

Thank you for your message Breadandwine.
I am glad that you have been happily married for 45 years with two children.

I hope that I will have a better life in the future with out my husband but as a lot of the posters have written that is hard to see at the moment as I cannot think too far ahead.
I still have the love and respect of both my sons and hopefully always will have.
Thank you xx

Thank you PiscoSour66 for your message.
I actually managed some sleep last night.
I am so sorry to hear that you have had to go through all this after being with your husband for such a long time and with young children. How could he be so cruel to you?
I am glad that you have found walking helps you cope.
Also that you have the kindness and compassion of friends and strangers.
It is good to hear that you are in a better place 10 months on.
I have been in this position a couple of times before with him when he actually left me and numerous times when he was messing around with someone. But like a fool I forgave him. I even thought about asking him to come home this time but that is not the thing to do and he wouldn't anyway as he thinks he has hit the jackpot with this woman!
This time though it seems so much worse not helped by the fact I am ten years older and he is leading the high life with her.
I hope that you continue to get stronger and that your new life will be a very happy one. You really deserve it for you and your children.
Take care xx

Thank you again notonyurjellybellynelly for your message.
Thank you for your tips on how to break the day down into small bits and to get to the next part of it.
I will try to concentrate on the here and now as much as I can.
As I said to Pisco I have been here before. Twice when he actually left me and our sons. The first time our youngest was a baby. Then just under 10 years later he went again and left me in bits. In between he has been doing allsorts with various woman. Now almost 10 years later I am back here again and this time is so much worse as I am 10 years older. I have a few health issues and I do not have my sons at home. Plus he is leading the high life with this woman. While I am here in my pit of despair trying to cope with day to day life and he is still making his demands.
I am so sorry that you had a husband that treated you badly too and not just once. I still cannot understand how they can be like it and just turn themselves into 'strangers' overnight! Everything is about him and this new woman!
Thank you. I hope everything is good with your son?
Take Care xx

He sounds like an arse! Good morning, glad you slept a bit. Are you managing to eat any breakfast? When I had a bad break up several years ago after a while of not eating I bought chocolate flavoured "complan" and survived on that. It was bizarrely comforting - not suggesting you do the same!

Good Morning Chiconbeige.
Thank you. It makes such a difference if you can get some sleep.
I do not really do breakfast. I try and graze as much as I can now as not eating was not helping me but I did not want to eat.
I am sorry that you had a bad break up several years ago. I hope that you have a happy life now?
I will keep the complan idea in mind If I go back to eating nothing.
Thank you xx

You sound so lovely, hushabye. I'm so sorry your husband has done this to you and I hope you find peace and happiness in time.

Thank you FindoGask for your kind message x

Good morning Hush. Glad to hear that you slept.
What's the weather like where you are? I woke to rain but it's clearing up so I'm thinking of dog walking shortly.
I used to find weekends most difficult - during the week everything is open and I could go and linger in a coffee shop with others and people watch. At the weekends they seem full of couples and families and I felt a bit more 'lost'. Today I am pondering whether to have a coffee out after my walk or whether to come home and tackle a really untidy room !

Good morning louisa.
Thank you for your message.
It is still a bit wet outside but better than it was earlier. I better get moving and take my dogs out too.
I hope you enjoy your walk with your dog.
You are right about how different it is at the weekend. I especially hate Sundays. I always think of that as being a family day.
I would have a coffee out and then maybe tackle a really untidy room!
I should be tackling several really untidy rooms. But although I start my day full of good intentions somehow i do not get these things done.
I hope you have a good weekend.
Take Care xx

You are not weak hush - everyone who has been in your situation recognises all of these things you say . There is nothing that you can say that you think or do that we will not have already felt ! It is only natural. I am not sure of your age but a part of it when you have been with someone a very long time and you are a bit older is that you feel very vulnerable initially - you think what will happen to me ? What if I am ill? Will my cats eat me? Who will know ? You are used to having someone there. You think I will die alone - you are looking years into the future when really you should only be looking at the here and now ! I know that because i have been there. I put next of kin details in my pockets in case I dropped down dead in the street - I didn't want to be a Jane Doe . Everyone looks at the knife rack and wishes their life would be taken from then - I did many, many times during the day and every day in those first few months. There is however a difference between wanting it to happen and doing something about it and if you saw a doc they will ask you if you are serious about this. They have to as it is protocol and will act accordingly. It won't get better overnight - or in a week, a few weeks or even months. I am not going to pretend that that is the case BUT it does get better.For now all you can do is roll with it - try to eat, stay safe and try to divert your mind if only for a few minutes at a time. The awful side of that of course is that each time you wake or come back from being diverted, you remember - he has left and it is like the same misery over and over again. Again that will get better and the spells of not thinking about it will gradually get longer. I am telling you all of this because you are not mad or weak or anything else - it is totally normal. x

Good afternoon IamtheRealMrsEamonnHolmes2.
Thank you for your message.Always a pleasure to hear from you.
Thank you for telling me that I am totally normal and not weak or mad.
I am trying to eat and sleep. I will try not to think too far ahead which is something that crops up again anad again.
Thank you so much xx

Hi hush , I have just read your thread , I too am on the same journey as you , I am still in a sort of shock after 10 months , my dc don't live at home 24 and 20 I am so sad , I have tried and to everyone else I am doing ok to fill my life but I have never been hurt like this ever 😢 after 31 years since 18 I invested all my life to our family , and he abandoned me and our marriage for a 40 yr old work colleague with 2 dd 6 and 12, a brand new family. I am 50 in May and will be divorced in 6 weeks. We will get through this and pm me if you need to talk . One day at a time sweet Jesus is my song ❤️

Thank you Kirk123 for your message.
I am sorry that you are going through an awful time too.
My dc do not live at home either and they are a very similar age to yours.
I know what you mean by investing all your life to your family. The feeling of abandonment and betrayal is terrible. They just seem to move on without a second though for you or your children. I am finding that really hard. I am 58 and we have been together for over 30 years. Everybody assures me as I am sure they have you that we will get through this and eventually have a happier and totally different life. But it is hard to see at the moment. Thank you for your offer to pm you. Thinking of you xx

Ahh hush , thanks for your reply so promptly , we have so much support on mn , weekends are hard but you have your dogs that live you , ours died last year a lab aged 13 , I have had too many losses during the past year as youngest dc went to university too , I appreciate time is a healer for us ❤️

Hi Hush, just to let you know the websites i found helpful were Baggage Reclaim, Psychologytoday.com and gettingpastyourbreakup.com.

There is a book by the woman who set up the last website, also called Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan J Elliott. Another book I read was called The Gift of Betrayal by Eve Wood.

Yes, I'm very happy now but it took me a good couple of years plus counselling and doing the Freedom programme online to get there. Everyone deals with it in their own time.

Don't think too far ahead, accept support from anyone who offers it and do anything you like doing. Sunday is a perfect day to go to the cinema and I love going on my own.

I found I went through the stages of denial, anger etc - it takes time to get to acceptance.

Be extra kind to yourself. X

Thank you again Kirk123. Thank you for your prompt reply too. I have just come back from the local shops. Walking along the road crying. I do not think anyone saw me!
Yes we do have a lot of support on MN and that means a lot. It also is good as you do not have to keep bothering your RL Family or Friends. I think it really helps that you can just type away and put your feelings down.
I am sorry that you lost your lab last year. I know what it is like to lose a loved dog and cat. My old dog has problems now and I just hope I can get him over this as I cannot deal with anything else at the moment. I hated it when my two sons went to University and at that time I was not alone.
Lets hope that time is a healer for us xx