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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Re: Feeling so down after husband has left me for another woman after 30 years

978 replies

Hushabyemountain98 · 17/01/2016 22:18

I posted yesterday but was a bit too detailed.
I am feeling so down and tonight I found myself sobbing out load.
I am finding this so hard. Even though I have a supportive family and friends.

OP posts:
dodgeballqueen · 19/01/2016 11:57

You are in shock at the moment. It's an awful process to go through, but you will home out the other side.

In addition to the great advice already given I'd suggest wrapping up and going out for a long walk if you can't get to the gym. Put a podcast on to try to distract yourself (I favour Melvyn Bragg or 'stuff you should know'). You need to change your thought patterns from the old to the new, and anything that can distract you from the past is a help.

dodgeballqueen · 19/01/2016 11:59

Downunderdolly is the lady in Australia. She's magnificently wise and a real inspiration. Fantastic strength of character.

Original poster
Hushabyemountain98 · 19/01/2016 15:44

Hello ChoclolateOrange. I am so glad to hear that you came out the other side and that you are really happy now. So it can be done!
What you have written has come from the heart. You have been a great help.
I feel a little better today. It all seems so unfair though. I have to try and get over that feeling as it is not doing me any good. I have lots of things that I should be doing in the house but I cannot concentrate on anything for very long.

Thanks again x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hushabyemountain98 · 19/01/2016 15:54

Thank you dodgeballqueen for your messages.
Thanks for your advice and suggestions,
You are right as I spend far too much time sitting here thinking of what I have lost and what my husband is doing!

Thanks again x

OP posts:
ChoclolateOrange · 19/01/2016 17:58

That's it, Downunderdolly! Grin She was amazing.

Hushabye, yes I think it is best to focus on what you can do to improve your life, and not on what you have lost. I know that is not easy but it will come.

The walk dodgeball suggested sounds good. It's a good idea to get out every day even if just for a walk and a stop off for a coffee somewhere, just to see people. I still have to remind myself to do that now. Staying in is too isolating.

Original poster
Hushabyemountain98 · 19/01/2016 19:25

Thanks again ChoclolateOrange.
I have taken it all onboard.
Many Thanks x

OP posts:
Nevergrowingup · 19/01/2016 19:59

Hi Hushabye, so pleased to see you posting again.

I don't have much to add to the wonderful guidance posted here. Taking even the tiniest steps towards feeling better is a good thing. Don't try and do too much, maybe look for a new book and carve out some time for that alone. Make a cuppa, pick up something you really like at the shops and sit down for even half an hour to read. It will take your mind away from the pain and give you a break.

And I'm sure you said you had dogs. They will certainly make you feel loved so take every tail wag you can get!

Original poster
Hushabyemountain98 · 19/01/2016 20:16

Thank you so much Nevergrowingup.
You are right I do have dogs. They are always pleased to see me.
I used to like reading so I will give it a try again.
Many Thanks x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hushabyemountain98 · 20/01/2016 19:26

Sitting her blubbing again after contact from my Husband.

OP posts:
EamonnHolmesisaPratt2 · 21/01/2016 10:06

There are many things written on here - to do this and to do that - BUT those are many weeks down the road for you, I am afraid, if you are anything like I was so don't for a second think you should be doing ANY of those ...the fact that you have been together for 30 years is an age indicator and that alone makes it a bit different. I often read on here about single young women who can't get over boyfriends or women who have been married single figure years and it has gone tits up. There is no way I am trying to minimise their pain or anguish but they don't really "get it". The sheer length of time makes it a huge shock. I haven't seen your other post so don't know the circumstances. (Will have a look for it) I was in your situation last year and literally sat on a sofa for weeks/months interspersed with cleaning floors and cupboards or sleeping or watching episode after episode of something on Netflix. Like yourself I was unable to eat for about 6 weeks and was literally starving .Your one aim at the moment is to just get through each day, hour, minute at a time. Your body is actually in physical shock and your brain is in trauma. You think you will never be any better but you will eventually. You probably think that you want to die because I did - many times every day. You may even think about how to do it . You hope that someone will kill you e.g. in an accident .It's probably not much cheer me saying all of this but I think it does help to know that others have been there and have felt the same . Take it easy on yourself right now and don't expect any momentous decisions to be made. People ask you the most ridiculous things - "what are you going to do ?" FFS..a friend of mine would message every day and would stick to the nitty gritty of actual life - are you going out? Have you eaten? What have you eaten ? These kind of things are far easier to deal with than "how are you feeling ?" because there is only one answer to that and it is "shit". You will find that it is difficult to concentrate so things like reading are usually not possible- better to just watch stuff. Hope you are feeling so so today and just keep posting x

Allofaflumble · 21/01/2016 10:53

I agree with Eammon. No way will you be feeling like doing the things suggested (I am assuming) and I expect you can barely focus for a minute as your feelings will be overwhelming everything.

For now just try to eat, drink and get some sleep when you can.

Are you working? If so, that must be tough. Hugs.

EamonnHolmesisaPratt2 · 21/01/2016 11:39

Has your first post been removed OP ?

Original poster
Hushabyemountain98 · 21/01/2016 12:50

Thank you EamonnHolmesisaPratt2.
Yes my OP has been removed as it was too detailed.
Everything you have said is just how I feel.
I am trying to do what I can to try and live some sort of life but it is so hard.
I thought about ending it but that would leave my Husband with everything and my dear Sons devastated. But I do not feel that I can go on. Oh! here come the tears again!
I will pm you if that is OK so you know the background.
I know that everyone is trying to help me with all their suggestions and thus site has been a great help just knowing that someone is there.

Many Thanks x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hushabyemountain98 · 21/01/2016 12:56

Thank you Allofaflumble.
Yes what Eamonn said is absolutely how I feel.
No I do not work.
I am trying to eat small amounts and trying to sleep.
I do watch TV all hours of the night and I haven't slept in our bed for months.
Many Thanks x

OP posts:
Allyson1 · 21/01/2016 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Hushabyemountain98 · 21/01/2016 19:56

Thank you Allyson1 for your message.
I am glad that everything has worked out for you but this is not for me x

OP posts:
Hobbitwife001 · 21/01/2016 20:06

Ignore the fucking spellcaster, hush my lovely, it's all a load of rubbish.
eamonn on the other hand, knows what she is talking about, and has given you some very good advice and support. keep in touch, xx

Original poster
Hushabyemountain98 · 21/01/2016 20:13

Thanks Hobbitwife001.
I see the message has been deleted.
I agree that Eamonn knows what she is talking about.
I have had so much help on here x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hushabyemountain98 · 23/01/2016 07:51

My husband came here yesterday and made things worse for me again. I am so tired of all this.

OP posts:
WavingNotDrowning · 23/01/2016 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allofaflumble · 23/01/2016 08:20

I know it is hard but your best bet is to go cold on him. Dont let him think you want him back. It will swell his head to think two women are desperate for him.

Tell him to stay away and try to find your anger. This is the better emotion for now to get you through.

In the long run you will keep your integrity and that will be best for you.
I think feeling rejected is probably the worst pain one can experience.

You say your friends and family are supportive so that is one good thing. Look after yourself today Hush. X

Original poster
Hushabyemountain98 · 23/01/2016 16:42

Thank you WavingNot Drowning for your message.
I am sorry that you have been through all this.
I am glad that you are so much happier now. As you say it is hard to imagine yet.
He came to collect some more of his possessions and lay the law down!
I need to contact my Solicitor has I believe that he was talking a load of rubbish. Just wanted to upset me again.
I am glad that counselling helped you. I had some before when he went off but not yet this time.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hushabyemountain98 · 23/01/2016 16:46

Thank you again Alloflumble.
I know what you are saying but it is so difficult.
I get so upset when I see him. As you say being rejected is terrible especially after over 30 years together.
I have a supportive family and friends and kind people like you on MN.
Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Hushabyemountain98 · 23/01/2016 17:31

I am feeling a little brighter today after seeing both my Sons. I still have a positive role in life xx

OP posts:
Hobbitwife001 · 23/01/2016 19:16

Of course you do hush my love, you are your sons rock going forward and they can help support you through this, along with the rest of your family and friends and your virtual cheerleaders on MN.

It is so hard to come to terms with such a betrayal after a lifetime together, but small steps will lead to a better life , free of that unfaithful bully.

Keep going sweetheart, xx