Re: Feeling so down after husband has left me for another woman after 30 years

[Hushabyemountain98]

I posted yesterday but was a bit too detailed.
I am feeling so down and tonight I found myself sobbing out load.
I am finding this so hard. Even though I have a supportive family and friends.

Morning Hush.Yes Iv been awake all night too.Just having cup of tea.I sleep when I can,sometimes on the settee,just where ever I am comfortable.Cozy blanket,soft music.At an age when I need all the beauty sleep I can get!!!Bloody typical!!Just sleep and rest as you can Hush.Eat as best you can.Make soup,easy to take,good for you.Listen to peoples advice,but only do whats suits you,and when you are ready.x

One of the things I read on here was to make your bed "your own" and that can be as simple as getting some new ( white :-) ) bedding . I did that and my bed is one of my favourite places - I don't live in it :-) but I do love when I get there. One of the things I changed was getting up in those bleak hours and sitting on the sofa - started to make a cup of tea and take it back to bed until it was a sensible hour. I would watch Netflix to take my mind off it for a while .I know this may sound ridiculous but these little things help you get through those early months.I stopped going to bed when I was tired in the afternoon as I would wake and think I didn't want to wake up IYKWIM..... Now I will have a doze on the sofa if needed in the day but with the TV on but the sound turned down. It makes me feel less alone somehow. Just little coping strategies that I use. As someone else said though I remember very little of those first few months now and I think that is your brain protecting you because it is all just so horrible . Best of luck to everyone today. x

Thank you again WavingNotDrowning.
Sorry that you are awake in the night too.
I feel really rough today with only a couple of hours sleep. My head is banging.
I am glad that you got through your split.
I cannot really ask anyone to deliver his stuff as he is going to live miles away from here.
I will have to just grin and bear it.
I have done everything for him for over 30 years and now he is treating me like this.
Take care of yourself x

Good Morning Timetosay58.
I am sorry that you have been awake all night too.
I feel rough this morning and my head is pounding.
I sleep on the settee. I cannot face getting into our bed.
I know what you mean about needing your beauty sleep!!
Thank you so much. I hope you can catch up on your sleep today?
x

Thanks EamonnHolmesisaPratt2.
I changed our bedding for some I bought before but it has not helped me.
I still do not know what I should be spending money on?
I have the TV on all day and when I need it in the night as it is a form of company.
Thank you again you always manage to lift my mood x

Hushabye that is the biggest thing - the betrayal - the casting off as if you are nothing. How can they do it ? What kind of person are they ? I have had this. My husband rarely communicates with me . Can't remember the last time - many months ago....We are still waiting on stuff for financials - pensions etc. They take forever to process. Find yourself something to watch - a series and then just go from episode to episode . It gives you a temporary lull x

Thanks EamonnHolmesisaPratt2.
Yes the betrayal is terrible. I don't know how thay can do it either. I have been here before with him and he and the same then. I think this one he is with is a really strong woman and I am sure she is encouraging him to push me. I slept in my clothes last night or at least I laid in my clothes last night. How awful!
I am sorry that the financial stuff is dragging on for you.
Yes I will find a series to watch to take me away from thinking about all this.
Thanks again x

I am sitting here all on my own and I feel so desperate. I can't stop crying.
I just cannot carry on x

Just seen this. Deep breath. Make a cuppa.

Put the telly on and find some undemanding programme. (Mary Portas Secret Shopper is on tonight, and I've found that sort of thing quite soothing in the past.)

At the moment, one day at a time. This is a dark night of the soul, and when I felt like that, all I could do was grit my teeth/abandon myself to it (either can work) and just ride it out.

I felt like you do, it is so hard some days when you are at the start of it, it feels like it is the end. But it's not, it really isn't, it's just how you feel right now. It will pass, it will get better I promise you.

Is there someone who can come and be with you? A sibling or a good friend?
You need to talk to someone about how you are feeling. Have you seen your gp and asked for some help? I'm here if you want to pm me, xx

Thank you again TheSilveryPussyCat.
I have just made a cuppa.
The telly is on.
I did not sleep last night so I am really tired and I needed to speak with my solicitor today and she was not there.
I am just hoping I can speak to her tomorrow. X

Thank you again Hobbitwife001.
I am so tired and I have cried a lot today.
I will pm you x

hush as so many have said this is a horrid, horrid time. My H of 22 years left me 4 years ago for his PA, classic mid-life crisis. 4 years ago I did not know how I was going to carry on, I was terrified for my future. I finally got my decree absolute last September and was awarded 90% of the FMH and a substantial pension share - on walking out he told me 'half the house and that's your lot love". I now realise I lost so much of who I was in the final years of my marriage and now, at 55, the old me is beginning to return. I have an enjoyable, stress free job, the love of my 2 grown up boys and moved at the end of last year to a lovely 2 bed cottage. Yes, much smaller than the FMH but every brick is mine. I'm now seeing a lovely (younger!) man who I met when I really wasn't looking. Will it last? Don't know but if it doesn't I do know I'm fine on my own. A cliche, I know, but alone doesn't mean lonely. I am often alone now but was bloody lonely in the last years of my marriage.

You are grieving my love. Grieving due to the shock, because you are worried about the future, because the pain feels like a physical weight crushing your chest.

You are right in the middle of it now - don't try and fight it, but at the same time try not to panic. Just let it happen. It is a process and it will pass, honestly it will. However it takes time.

The absolutely best advice I can give you is let your solicitor deal with it. Don't discuss things with him and don't get drawn into arguments, no matter how much he goads you. Pass it on to your solicitor - her job is to filter out his rubbish and get the best possible outcome for you.

Thank you oldfatandtired1 for your message.
I am so glad that things turned out well for you in the end.
Aren't these men great you give them the best years of your life and bring up the children and then when it suits them they just move on and leave you in bits!
My husband would have a seizure if I got that percentage of the FMH and a substantial pension share. My husband said I would end up in a bedsit!
I have two great sons too. I just hope that I can come through it like you did.
x

My husband suggested to the judge that I should get a caravan while he got a London penthouse! Judge was not impressed 😊

Thank you JolseBaby for your message.
I really need to get hold of my Solicitor tomorrow so I am prepared for when my husband comes here.
My doctor told me it was a grieving process.
I am really worried about the future. I also now what you mean about something crushing my chest. My heart actually hurts.
Thank you for you advice. The people on here are so kind x

Oh oldfatandtired1!
Absolutely charming. What a good judge!x

Just read your thread op and wanted to send some and hugs your way. You sound like you're really going through it at the moment. It feels so all consuming and horrible right now but it will start to slowly get easier as time goes by. Just keep doing all the little things (some great suggestions above) like going for walks, watching box sets...etc just to get you through each hour. Eventually the fog will start to clear and you'll be able to think more clearly and get angry which helps, trust me.

I'm going through a split after 13 years together. Currently in month 4 and definitely starting to feel a little better already. For 3 months I have felt confused, ready to beg him to come back, cried so very much, couldn't think straight about selling the house and the new life that lies ahead...etc the whole lot terrified me and made me want to curl up in a ball and just hide. However this past week it's like a veil has been lifted and I no longer feel as afraid of what the future holds. In fact I'm starting to slowly look forward to my new life by myself and even feel a tiny bit excited by it.

I'm creating a social life now, one that was non existent before. I have leaned on people for help with the emotional side and have found people only too willing to help and have made some friends in the process. My weekends are now starting to fill up with meals out..etc and my friends have become so precious to me right now. The social side has been a fantastic distraction from the misery of the split and has made me realise that there is a life out there - I just need to go and get it.

I know my situation isn't quite the same as yours as you've been together with your dh for such a long time and it must be such a wrench for you. But I just wanted to offer a little bit of hope that things will get better eventually, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Just concentrate on getting through this initial blur and allow yourself the time you need to heal. As horrible as it feels you need to cry, wail, vent...etc because if you keep it in it will just take you longer to recover from. Remember you are still in the very early stages of the split and are suffering from shock right now so your emotions will be all over the place. Take care, keep eating little 'n' often and try and rest when you can. Keep posting if you're having a dark moment.

Hmm he sounds horrible. Horrible horrible horrible. So in that sense you're infinitely better off he's gone.

It sounds like he hasn't treated you well and is currently treating you very badly indeed. He sounds like a total slime.

Here's what I'm hoping for you: that the crippling grief and loss will give way to outrage, then anger, then a whole new, wonderful life for you. Hold on darling, this too shall pass. It always, always does - bad times come to an end

Thank you Angleshades for your kind and helpful message.
You are right I am really going through it at the moment.
One of the posters on MN told me to pull my angry pants on! But I do not think I am there yet. I am still at the crying stage.
All the things you have mentioned are just how I feel. Including begging him to come home!
I am so glad that the veil or cloud has been lifted and that you are starting to feel better. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that you will have a very happy new life.
Thank you x

Thank you springydaffs.
Lots of posters on here have told me that eventually the crying will stop and anger takes over. But it is do hard to see past this at the moment. I had a really bad day today not helped by not sleeping last night.

Thank you x

Perhaps you could tell us about him? The good and the bad xx

Hello springydaffs. I would love to tell you about him but I am paranoid that someone I know may see it xx