Suspected homophobia at the school gates- Your honest opinions please.

[largered]

Hi,

I already have a thread running on this board, which I started when I was incredibly stressed and everything had exploded and I was basically in a very dark place. Dust is settling now slightly, but it's an ongoing problem unfortunately.

I started this thread as I briefly touched on this problem at my DDs school and I would really appreciate your absolute honesty on this. Even if it is brutal- NC if you like. I really want to know how other mums would feel.

It's quite simple, I'm bisexual and I'm in a long term relationship with a woman. I apparently don't look like a lesbian which is possibly why I end up coming out time and time again. My DDs school is no exception unfortunately. Now, as mentioned on my other thread, she has problems with social skills and communication and so I'm fully aware this is the main reason she struggles to make and keep friends. However, I've noticed several mums gradually or immediately start ignoring my DD and I when they hear I am in a same sex relationship, which I obviously find incredibly hurtful.

I'm going to get straight to the point. Would you be uncomfortable with your DC being friends with another DC who's mum was in a relationship with another woman? I've heard of some parents being outraged with their DCs being taught about same sex relationships in primary schools and I guess this falls under the same category.

Thanks for reading and please be as frank as possible.

I actually thought that the word "gay" being used in that was way dying off. Sounds like I'm wrong.

First it is unacceptable to discriminate this way, and even worse if it affects children.

Second people do say clumsy things like "I would have never guessed" but it doesn't make them homophobic necessarily - just human as in pretty much bound to say he wrong thing.

Third, if your DD has problems with social skills, this may be far more likely to be the reason than your sexuality. I'd try to make friends with someone else whose child "struggles" or has SN. The condescension etc. can be quite horrid.

What kind of a place do you live? City, town rural? Does it have lots of new people or have most people lived there for generations?

Haven't RTFT but honestly, I wouldn't personally bat an eyelid and neither would most of my friends or fellow mums. However, there are some (dare I say chavvy) mums at the school gate who I think might think it was an issue but I can't imagine that even they would avoid making friends with someone or exclude the child.

My parents however are very homophobic. Perhaps it is their generation but much more so than my friends' parents. I think they would keep their distance. But then, do you or your child really want prejudiced friends?

Well just as an update, at pick up yesterday, I saw my DD chatting to the girl I've mentioned before and her mum literally pulled/dragged her away mid conversation and of course, completely blanked me. The girl kept turning back to try and talk to my DD and her mum just started walking faster, pulling her along. Now if that isn't brutal, I don't know what is.

To be honest if I asked you what your husband did and you corrected me I'd be embarrassed because I'd make the mistake of assuming you were straight (though I don't think I'd ever say 'husband' anyway since so many people are not married and I wouldn't want to turn what is just small talk into a conversation about living arrangements).

I hope my embarrassment wouldn't mean I avoided you from then on and in fact I'd be more likely to be a bit over-friendly to try to make amends, but I can see how some people might.

People at the school gate are often in a rush, don't fancy a chat, feeling crao themselves etc etc and I'd be inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe smile and say 'hello' next time you see her and if she STILL blanks you, well, then she's just a cow.

The mother sounds awful! Have you spoken to the school about it? They actually have a duty to ensure your DD can be part of the community and to ensure that none of their pupils are discriminated against due to family circumstances, sexual orientation, disability etc. etc.
If you can make some school gate allies it will help.

This particular mother sounds like an idiot - is she part of some particular religious group?

We have two different families at our school with same sex parents ...no.issue at all. One of the mums is a school governor very involved with all aspects .
never seen or heard of any problems .
If I were you I'd talk to the teachers ( and the head ) get their perspective and their support and ask then to.share the policy on this .
failing that I'd move schools

OP asked people to be frank but nobody will be if they're booed and hissed at if they do. Outtopasture has a viewpoint that might be more common in RL than in MN land. I don't think MN is representative of the population as a whole.

At my DC's primary I doubt anyone would stop DC being friends with other DC because of the nature of their families (except if they were ex-prisoners or something). However there would have been gossip at first and eyelids would definitely have been batted. It was a two form entry with no DC with two mums or two dads so the first example would have been commented on. And then everyone would have moved on. Which hopefully your DD's friend's mum will do once she calms down.