Suspected homophobia at the school gates- Your honest opinions please.

[largered]

Hi,

I already have a thread running on this board, which I started when I was incredibly stressed and everything had exploded and I was basically in a very dark place. Dust is settling now slightly, but it's an ongoing problem unfortunately.

I started this thread as I briefly touched on this problem at my DDs school and I would really appreciate your absolute honesty on this. Even if it is brutal- NC if you like. I really want to know how other mums would feel.

It's quite simple, I'm bisexual and I'm in a long term relationship with a woman. I apparently don't look like a lesbian which is possibly why I end up coming out time and time again. My DDs school is no exception unfortunately. Now, as mentioned on my other thread, she has problems with social skills and communication and so I'm fully aware this is the main reason she struggles to make and keep friends. However, I've noticed several mums gradually or immediately start ignoring my DD and I when they hear I am in a same sex relationship, which I obviously find incredibly hurtful.

I'm going to get straight to the point. Would you be uncomfortable with your DC being friends with another DC who's mum was in a relationship with another woman? I've heard of some parents being outraged with their DCs being taught about same sex relationships in primary schools and I guess this falls under the same category.

Thanks for reading and please be as frank as possible.

Actually, DD1 has a good friend (male) whose parents are both women.

I think it's great! I'm delighted that it helps to normalise same sex relationships for my DC.

They tell a funny story about when he was 8, he was upset that he didn't have a dad. They asked him why he wanted a dad, and his answer was he wanted to use the men's loo. They told him that was fine, so in he went. Then, when he came out, they asked if he was still upset about not having a dad. No, once he'd got to use the men's loo, he was fine!

It wouldn't bother me at all. My kids can be friends with whoever like as long as they are nice to each other. It shouldn't matter to anyone what type of relationship someone is in.

I would be mildly intrigued as I don't know many lesbians and really not bothered.

Nope wouldn't bother me at all. Numerous examples of this relationship at my child's school and doesn't seem to cause a problem here. The mums have lots of friends and seem to be involved in school fair etc. Are you sure it is this? School gates can be very cliquey. I've been at my junior school gates for 8 years and sometimes still feel like an outsider to the mums that are childhood friends, boot camp friends, coffee mums, PTA friends etc. Could it be that your child has difficulties making friends? Is she irritating to other children ( sorry if this offends but just like adults if s child is irritating for any reasons kids seem to avoid that child). I really doubt it is your sexuality.

Can't imagine anyone actually responding to this thread to say that they would have a problem with it- they'd be eaten alive!

Anyway, I personally wouldn't, and actually would be quietly pleased because I get a little tired of all the sexist-type assumptions my daughter's been picking up at nursery, and something a bit different to the standard 'norm' of Mummy and Daddy would offer a healthy alternative example of a family set up/gender roles/whatever. If you think about it, in a standard class size of 30, at least 6(?) of those kids are going to be gay or bisexual or whatever else, and seeing it as normal from the beginning could do a lot to offset any negativity they might encounter in working out who they are and how they fit in to the standard view of normality they'll see elsewhere.

Excuse me, that was badly written, but baby brain has affected my language skills. Sorry.

Do people really care who's child's parents are in love with who?
I'd have no problem what so ever, and if I'm honest I wouldn't know if a fair few parents in my child's class are in same sex relationships as its none of my business. Sounds like your child is better off without playing with those kids as they'll only take ques from their parents and end up judgmental assholes as well.

Just saying

Hey there from another bisexual mum. Being gay you will not be able to get 100% approval from family and friends. You just have to ignore the bigots and get on with your life. It is a democracy here and people are allowed to have different opinions. It does not make you a lesser person. Respects and tolerance is due to other human being regardless of their race, gender, religion, colour or sexuality and teachers should be the first to promote this. My kids have never reported to me any occurrence of homophobia towards them. Maybe it did happen, maybe it did. I don't know. When I first got with a woman after divorcing ex H DS refused to get any of his friends to mine and did not invite them for his birthday. Lately he has done so it was just a phase.
You have nothing to be ashamed of and confronting children to differences is the best thing that can happen to them so you are doing others a favour to raise a more human and open-minded person. As far as other mums are concerned you will quickly pick up the signals from the ones who are comfortable with you. I also like to take my kids to group where they can meet other children of gay parents so they realise they are not the only ones in the world.

I'm so sorry to hear you have to go through this.
I have gay friends and have always been very open and honest with my children about them. To them it is the norm that people are straight, gay, bi etc and that they are born that way.
My children have been brought up to not judge anyone because of their sexual orientation, skin colour or religion.
I would certainly have a major problem with my children being friends with any children whose parents were racist or homophobic.

I'm bi and in a relationship with a man. We have children and this worries me for when my DS goes to school, it's a small community who like a gossip. Although I personally wouldn't have a problem with your family situation (obviously!!!!!) there are a lot of narrow minded people out there so you might be right about the homophobia.

Theres only you making a big issue of being gay is what it sounds like

[sigh]. There's always someone who says this. There's always someone who asks why anybody needs to know; doesn't occur to them that everytime they mention their dh they are 'coming out' as heterosexual.

largered, I've been out as a lesbian mother for some years now, with 2 dc at our local primary. Most people don't care; if they do care they're polite enough not to show it. But there are always some for whom it's an issue; and judging from what gets said to my children, there are more parents saying negative things to their kids than would dare say it to my face.

So I don't doubt for one second that you are facing some homophobia. I believe you. But what are you going to do? You have to show your child that your sexuality is not a dirty little secret, that we all have the right to be who we are. And you have to demonstrate to other adults how you expect to be treated. It's not always easy; it takes guts; but it's what we have to do. (Btw, I used to be the only lesbian mum at the school - wonderfully, now there's a few of us! I don't know if me being out has made it easier for others to be out too - but it can't have hurt.)

largered. MN is very liberal and not representative of the wider world so the answers here may not reflect the parents at your school.

Having said that, we are in a same sex relationship and I've not picked up on any issues for my kids at school.

I think it's great! I'm delighted that it helps to normalise same sex relationships for my DC. Absolutely, SanityClause! My SIL once tried to make a joke/not-really-a-joke about how embarrassed she was when she had to explain my sexuality to her kids (my nieces and nephews). "Yeah, thanks for that", she said. Normally I laugh along with that sort of joke, but this time I told her, very seriously, "You SHOULD thank me. I have made it so much easier for you to teach your children about human diversity."

I truly believe this. When children come home asking about what gay is, or saying, "How come mini-Dev has two mums?", the parents at our school can explain to them in very human terms what it's all about. That must help, surely.

Another one here who doesn't have a problem, and born and brought up in the sticks. I think people just need to accept what society is like today, and we no longer have 'nuclear' families. The school gate can be shit even without feeling like others have got extra ammunition.

When children come home asking about what gay is, or saying, "How come mini-Dev has two mums?", the parents at our school can explain to them in very human terms what it's all about. That must help, surely.

I'm sure this is true. Explaining anything to small children is easier when you can say "like Susie's mum" or "like that time at the beach" rather than just abstract concepts.

It was certainly easier to explain divorce/remarriage/stepfamilies to my now-7yo with reference to one of his classmates than in the abstract!

Really couldn't care less to be honest. My best friend is in a long term relationship with a woman and is godmother to my girls and my uncle is gay and is one of their godfathers. Mine have been bought up with it as completely normal. No hiding it as nothing to be ashamed of. I had similar when I got divorced if I'm honest where parents shunned me in playground and treated Dcs differently. It's just going against what is perceived as the norm isn't it. As more have got divorced my kids now not only ones and hopefully same will be for your Dcs as same sex parents now not a wow but just part and parcel of life's differences.

I'm not really surprised you get that kind of reaction I'm afraid. I find mums at the school gate a strange bunch anyway.

I am bi but not had long term relationship with a woman so not encountered it directly but I have known people be homophobic inc ex dh.

I certainly wouldn't ignore you or treat you any differently, tbh I'd probably want to be your friend lol I would give anyone the benefit of my opinion if I heard them same anything negative.

I remember a boy at school having two mummies, we were all sat down and told, we must have been about 6. It was told to us matter of fact and that was it, don't recall anybody ever mentioning it again, there was no teasing or anything else.

"I find mums at the school gate a strange bunch anyway"

That is such a daft thing to say. How can they be "a strange bunch" when they are just a cross section of people?

It wouldn't bother me at all. That's prejudiced behavior. Live and let live,

Actually, there are some depressing responses on this thread - in a slew of people showing off their gay-friendly credentials, there has been a small but significant trickle of 'it's all in your head', 'why are you coming out to school gate parents all the time?', 'hide your sexuality by using a gender-neutral term for your female partner', 'they probably dislike you/your daughter for some entirely different reason' and 'you're the one making an issue of it'.

It's this kind of lowgrade 'othering' response that is most likely to be behind school-gate homophobia, not Ian Paisley-style ranting about sodomy and the Old Testament.

OP, I fear you would get similar responses at the school gate in my village - it's a conservative (big and small c) kind of place where anything that deviates from a perceived lower-middle class norm is regarded with deep unease, whether it's being lesbian, foreign, not changing your name on marriage, or letting your lawn grow beyond four inches.

I agree, Cavaradossi, it's quite unusual to encounter full-on Ian Paisley-style "You're going to burn in hell, young lady!* rants these days. But much common is this kind of "Oh get over yourself, what makes you think you're so special, you're just making it up for attention" type stuff. What on earth makes posters think they know that OP is not encountering homophobia?

Wouldnt bother me at all. My closest and most loved friend was in a relationship with a woman, didnt bother me at all when she told me.

My DD (8) asked me about boys kissing boys and girls kissing girls, I said to her that sometimes boys love boys and girls love girls and there is nothing wrong with it.

Wouldn't bother me. In fact there was one same-sex couple in our NCT antenatal group and they are the friends we are closest to 4 years on. Our kids are best friends and it's all very nice.

The biological mum of the couple has however admitted that she is nervous about their DS (who will for various reasons be an only child) being bullied at school because of 'their unusual lifestyle'. That did make me sad, because apart from the single fact that they're a same-sex couple their lifestyle is identical to ours! Work, cook, do laundry, go out at weekend, repeat.

Neither of my DC has ever said 'Hey, you've got two mums' to their friend, so it clearly does not occur to them that anything is different about his family. This is a good thing IMO.

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time

I know a number of kids whose parents are in same sex relationships (in fact in ds3's class a parents marriage ended & the mum moved in with a woman). It doesn't bother me in thd slightest. I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone who did find it an issue tbh.

Incidentally my kids wouldn't give a damn either. We know a lot of gay people (I wouldn't be surprised if one particular child of mine comes out in the future) & it's very much not an issue.

Not a problem here but then Ds was in a choir with a family with two daddies. They were called Daddy x and Daddy Y, and were also friends if friends so it just felt normal.

DS was teased, bullied and told he was gay. Had to explain male gay sex ( age appropriately) at about 6. As three of his most loved godparents are gay he's never fussed.

Yes, v boring having to explain. Quite a few friends echo this, male and female and bi.