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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Suspected homophobia at the school gates- Your honest opinions please.

160 replies

largered · 13/01/2016 12:45

Hi,

I already have a thread running on this board, which I started when I was incredibly stressed and everything had exploded and I was basically in a very dark place. Dust is settling now slightly, but it's an ongoing problem unfortunately.

I started this thread as I briefly touched on this problem at my DDs school and I would really appreciate your absolute honesty on this. Even if it is brutal- NC if you like. I really want to know how other mums would feel.

It's quite simple, I'm bisexual and I'm in a long term relationship with a woman. I apparently don't look like a lesbian Hmm which is possibly why I end up coming out time and time again. My DDs school is no exception unfortunately. Now, as mentioned on my other thread, she has problems with social skills and communication and so I'm fully aware this is the main reason she struggles to make and keep friends. However, I've noticed several mums gradually or immediately start ignoring my DD and I when they hear I am in a same sex relationship, which I obviously find incredibly hurtful.

I'm going to get straight to the point. Would you be uncomfortable with your DC being friends with another DC who's mum was in a relationship with another woman? I've heard of some parents being outraged with their DCs being taught about same sex relationships in primary schools and I guess this falls under the same category.

Thanks for reading and please be as frank as possible.

OP posts:
AllTheFluffyAnimals · 13/01/2016 13:59

Can I hijack a bit and ask if any of you would have a problem with a mum having a girlfriend and a boyfriend (not live in)? Not planning to come out at school but all the kids involved know and are fine with it, and haven't been told it is any kind of horrible secret.

(Not looking for opinions on my relationships, just on this one issue)

Owllady · 13/01/2016 14:02

I'm really saddened that people have a problem with it. Wtf is wrong with them? Angry

Parsley1234 · 13/01/2016 14:02

I wouldn't care at all but my sons prep prep head is gay and a few parents had an opinion especially when she left her wife for another female teacher. You know what my son is mixed race with a single full time working mum - me - we are not the natural demographic of our school hence people have an opinion and he doesn't get invited as much as some do it's horrible and hurtful but it's not you - hope that makes sense. I always say better to be looked over than over looked !

Original poster
largered · 13/01/2016 14:03

And I'm sorry, but to say it's only me who's making an issue of it is just wrong. I've explained what has been happening. I would be very happy to be wrong, if a little concerned about my judgment, but this really isn't in my head.

OP posts:
Melonaire · 13/01/2016 14:06

I'm stunned that in 2016 you're getting this response from some parents.

Having said that I do know a lovely couple who've lived together for three years and are engaged but one of them isn't out at work.

BertrandRussell · 13/01/2016 14:07

There will be people who are bothered. Use it as an indicator that they aren't the sort of people you would want to know. You can't do anything about it. If they are for some reason horrible to your child then obviously you need to take swift action, but otherwise shrug and move on. There are plenty of other people around!

Original poster
largered · 13/01/2016 14:07

Thanks again everyone. It's made me feel a little more positive.

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 13/01/2016 14:07

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Melonaire · 13/01/2016 14:09

And it's not the partner who works in a male dominated job.

Fidelia · 13/01/2016 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diggerdigsdogs · 13/01/2016 14:13

I wouldn't give a monkeys if you were the mum of one of my dcs friends. :)

If it is causing dramas have you thought of referring to your partner instead of your DH/BF?

Not that you need to hide your sexuality. Just wondering if it would make you more comfortable.

hedgehogsdontbite · 13/01/2016 14:14

I might be surprised if I didn't already know but it wouldn't bother me at all. What would bother me would be those who were bothered by it as I have zero tolerance for people like that.

My DS is only 3 and his best buddy has 2 mums. Their little girl only gets to play with DS because nobody else is interested in being friends with her parents. It breaks my heart to see such lovely people shunned like this.

BertrandRussell · 13/01/2016 14:16

Also bear in mind that it may not be homophobia, it could just be embarrassment. There are an extraordinary number of people (judging by posts on Mumsnet) who find simple social interaction very difficult-so hearing something they weren't expecting could easily throw them...........

Glitterbauble · 13/01/2016 14:16

As difficult as this is (it definitely happens and is not in your head) you really have to not give it the head space, people who are awkward about the situation are not really the people you want to be friends with anyway I'm guessing or for your dd to associate with, very soon as children get nearer teen years they will form their own friendships with much less parent involvement and kids today are so much more unfazed by same sex relationships than ever, I think the important thing is making sure your own child is comfortable with it so can answer any awkward questions without embarrassment, something my own ds isn't great with.

As for the coming out over and over completely relate to that, whenever I refer to dp I get a hoard of questions about how it all happened, recently I was actually stopped in the supermarket mid shop and asked about it by a male checkout worker who had guessed we were a couple as we are always together. We are constantly presumed to be sisters or friends and saying 'actually we are a couple' gives some people the right to ask some very personal questions, throw me already having children into the mix confuses people even further, it's irritating as hell.

Original poster
largered · 13/01/2016 14:24

Fidelia, really good point. Luckily, the first mum I told took it very well and she and her family are very religious, so I certainly didn't assume after that, that religious person = homophobic person. Sorry you had to go through that. How awful. You're completely right with everything you say. I try to think that at least it's a quick way of highlighting and filtering out the people I wouldn't want to be friends with anyway.

OP posts:
IamlovedbyG · 13/01/2016 14:28

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Fidelia · 13/01/2016 14:45

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Stuffofawesome · 13/01/2016 14:48

Wouldn't bother me at all

Joysmum · 13/01/2016 14:58

Don't forget that some people may think they've put their foot in it and embarrassed themselves so will avoid you because they fear they've offended you!

Do you know you're being avoided because they are truly homophobic or could there be an element of that do you think?

Newyearnewme2016 · 13/01/2016 15:00

It wouldn't bother me at all. However in my dc's school I can't think of anyone who has same sex or gay parents so it would be unusual.

I think some people would have a problem befriending a lesbian couple and might not encourage their children to visit your home. They might openly be approving but sadly I definitely think it would affect friendships you or your dc's have and it would be naive to think otherwise.

Some of the school mums I know are lovely but many are judgemental, snooty and disapproving and my family and I do not fit in (different reason to yours but similar attitudes displayed.)

Pooka · 13/01/2016 15:02

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

2016willbebetter · 13/01/2016 15:03

I wouldn't mind at all.
Until recently I had neighbours with a daughter at my children's school. They are lesbians, engaged to get married, and they were really careful not to hold hands when walking along the main roads. I used to see them letting go of each other's hand as they left little alleyways and turned onto the busier paths. I'm guessing they were worried about the reception they would get. They've moved away recently.

My brother and his husband have 2 children and are fully accepted by the parents at the school.

Pointlessfan · 13/01/2016 15:08

My DD isn't 2 yet but already has two friends with same-sex parents who we have met through local baby groups! I hope that when she is older this will seem as "normal" as having heterosexual parents.
Sorry you are going through this. Don't assume it is because of your sexuality though, there may be other reasons too.

Pointlessfan · 13/01/2016 15:13

Sorry, I don't think my last sentence makes any sense - I mean could there be other reasons why she finds it hard to make friends?

bigbadbarry · 13/01/2016 15:17

I have only skimmed the thread so sorry if I repeat what others have said, but I would not give a monkeys. Until told otherwise though, I would probably have assumed you had a husband (or male partner) and would then feel mortified to have made that assumption! I certainly wouldn't avoid you or try to stop my children making friends with yours though.