Suspected homophobia at the school gates- Your honest opinions please.

[largered]

Hi,

I already have a thread running on this board, which I started when I was incredibly stressed and everything had exploded and I was basically in a very dark place. Dust is settling now slightly, but it's an ongoing problem unfortunately.

I started this thread as I briefly touched on this problem at my DDs school and I would really appreciate your absolute honesty on this. Even if it is brutal- NC if you like. I really want to know how other mums would feel.

It's quite simple, I'm bisexual and I'm in a long term relationship with a woman. I apparently don't look like a lesbian which is possibly why I end up coming out time and time again. My DDs school is no exception unfortunately. Now, as mentioned on my other thread, she has problems with social skills and communication and so I'm fully aware this is the main reason she struggles to make and keep friends. However, I've noticed several mums gradually or immediately start ignoring my DD and I when they hear I am in a same sex relationship, which I obviously find incredibly hurtful.

I'm going to get straight to the point. Would you be uncomfortable with your DC being friends with another DC who's mum was in a relationship with another woman? I've heard of some parents being outraged with their DCs being taught about same sex relationships in primary schools and I guess this falls under the same category.

Thanks for reading and please be as frank as possible.

Wow! A much bigger response than I expected. Thanks everyone!

I'm glad the vast majority of you wouldn't bat an eyelid. It's good to hear, it really is.

Mrs, I understand what you're saying, but whereas yes, I'm rather shy and I'm certainly not one of the "queen mums", I'd say I'm friendly and"normal", whatever that is! I try really hard not to jump to an instant conclusion, but when someone is talking to you one day, they ask what your husband does for a living, you correct them it's actually your GF and the next day they avoid you like the plague, it's very hard to give them the benefit of the doubt. I mean, that's pretty bloody obvious isn't it?!

No. It wouldn't, and doesn't, bother me at all. It bothers me if mums or dads aren't very friendly, or if they are aren't kind to their kids.

I'd be mildly curious about what your dc called each of you and who the birth mother was. But that's just because I'm nosey. I wouldn't ask you about those things unless I knew you pretty well.

Sorry you feel this way. I guess some people may care, but I'd be very surprised if it bothered the vast majority people.

I think it very much depends on where you live. I live in Brighton so it's hardly unusual round here! But I would imagine if you're in a small, conservative-voting, daily-mail-reading enclave, things would be very different.

I don't think Mumsnet is going to give you a very accurate reflection of society as a whole, TBH. People here are generally very LGB friendly. (Not so much T, sadly...)

See what i dont get is why you feel the need to come out time and time again? it wouldnt bother me that you were gay, however some kids can be cruel and you could actually be causing more stress for your child by constantly coming out,whats the need for it? tell your child to ignore the ladies that ignore her, theres no need for stuff like this in this day and age but unfortunately it still happens.

The sexuality of the parents wouldn't occur to me if my DD was friends with their child...
I was good friends with a boy from my primary school, and I remember asking my mum if I could play at his house after school. Mum said something along the lines of "as long as his mum and dad are ok with it"...I told her he doesn't have a dad, but does have two mums, and nothing more was said about it!
Those who have a problem with your sexuality need to get themselves on board with the modern world IMO. their children will come into contact with people who identify as something other than heterosexual whether they like it or not! For all they know, the teacher might be gay/lesbian/bi...I'm sure they wouldn't question their child's teacher, so why should they question you!?

Wouldn't bother me at all, my DSis is gay and my DSs are fully aware of it.

I would be ok with it. I don't know if you will get a true response on here though as I feel the people that would not be ok about it probably won't reply on here ?

Oh dear, that's really unpleasant behaviour. No wonder it upsets you.

To clarify: I wouldn't have a problem with you at all, but I would notice that you'd said "she" rather than he.

I don't have kids but it wouldn't bother me anyway. I second what hownottofuckup says.

The tragic thing is, bigots raise bigots, most of the times anyway. Its like any form of prejudice. You teach your kid something is wrong in their formative years when they're heavily influenced by parents and guardians etc and theyve more liklihood of growing up with those warped views. I wonder if the homophobic parents also have homophobic parents....it just becomes a cycle with some families I think. It's bloody disgraceful

I'm so sorry that you and your DD are experiencing this.

I run Guides and Brownies and have girls with same sex parents and I've never heard any comments at all from a parent. As far as the girls themselves go, Brownie type age there are a few questions which can be answered in a matter of fact way, but by Guide age it's not at all a talking point. But we also have looked after children, children who have never had a dad in their lives, children who lost parents very young and probably some more combinations and the girls don't seem to see any family set up as odd.

I'd be mildly curious about what your dc called each of you

Oh yes, this is helpful on a practical level. It's difficult sometimes when you need to know which parent is which. You can't really ask the kid whether it's blonde mum or brunette mum that's collecting so it's helpful to know how each parent is referred to.

It wouldn't bother me one jot. The woman who are behaving like this are idiots.

Have you thought about the "Kill your enemies with a smile" approach. Gut wrenching to do but just smile and ask them a question. Engage them. If they are still cold then they really are just rude!!!

Good luck, neither you or your daughter should have to deal with this.

I am always bemused how some being gay impacts another person!!!

Largered I would have no problems with your same sex relationship. However if your DD's problems include aggressive bullying behaviour then I would probably keep my distance.

shazz, I feel "the need" because when people ask about my BF or DH, I need to correct them, no? I don't come out with a big speech about how hard it's been, or how my parents took the news etc. So do you believe my relationship should be hidden for the sake of my DD?

I'm not being defensive btw, I'm genuinely just interested.

Frog, of course. I would understand that, but no, my DD is very kind and caring. She would be the one looking after another DC if they were upset. She tends to be on the receiving end of bullying unfortunately.

Really wouldn't bother me, one of my Mum friends is a lesbian who has just had a baby and we're planning some play dates when my baby comes along! Can't think of anyone who would bat an eyelid personally.

I diddnt say your relationship should be hidden, you said ( "I apparently don't look like a lesbian hmm which is possibly why I end up coming out time and time again.")

If someone asks about your relationship by all means answer but by that you are not coming out time and time again.

Neither do i think it should be hidden because of your child, how do you know the parents gripe with your child is not because of something else.

Theres only you making a big issue of being gay is what it sounds like, so what if parents were outraged about the children being taught about same sex relationships, it could be anything, it could even be your daughters socail skills that have people fall out with her and not your relationship, then again it could be, there are a lot more opened minded people about these days.

Why not just ask these parents> they may actually be mortified that you think they dont want theyre child near yours because your a lesbian?

I'm always surprised and saddened to hear in today's society, that children are being isolated because of their parents sexual orientation. Although I am aware it is common experience for some people I wouldn't care if they were gay/bi/trans/straight etc. I care more about how people treat others and the importance of teaching children (and indeed some adults it would seem) to show respect, tolerance of others and empathy.

I am a dad obviously but it wouldn't bother me if the parents of my kids friends were homosexual.

Both of my children (now adults) have very good gay and lesbian friends.

Hope things get easier for you.

Doesn't bother me or any of my sons friends op , he has a mate with 2 dads in fact in his junior school and now secondary it's not unusual. Its a pity I think the kids are better at dealing with it then some of the parents.

Please don't feel you need to keep coming out, if you act matter of fact about it hopefully they will as well.

shazz, having to correct someone like that is very much like coming out. It can be very draining because people don't tend to leave there. I usually get "oh, would never have guessed! ...So when did you know?...How did you parents take it? Are you gay, or just bisexual?" Of course this isn't every time, but they're questions I get a lot and from people who are practically strangers. So it does feel like coming out again and again.

I did explain why I don't think the reason I'm suddenly being ignored is something else, as it happens immediately after I've told them about my relationship. This isn't paranoia.

I doubt anyone who would feel uncomfortable is going to post on this thread!

One of the pupils in DD's class has two mothers, and it's not hidden in any way (they are for example on the PTA class list) and I don't think it should be hidden. It doesn't bother me in the slightest, and AFAIK it doesn't bother DD either. They're not particularly friends, as I don't think they have interests in common, but the DC isn't one of the ones she's ever talked negatively about either.

If the DC was a particular friend of DD, I agree with previous posters it might be handy to know what name is used for each parent (in case there's ever a need to specify).

Of course it would not bother me in the slightest. And tbh I would like there to be more openness about same sex relationships round my DCs.

However, sadly I was quite shocked at the casual homophobia in the pre school queue a couple of years ago.