Suspected homophobia at the school gates- Your honest opinions please.

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Hi,

I already have a thread running on this board, which I started when I was incredibly stressed and everything had exploded and I was basically in a very dark place. Dust is settling now slightly, but it's an ongoing problem unfortunately.

I started this thread as I briefly touched on this problem at my DDs school and I would really appreciate your absolute honesty on this. Even if it is brutal- NC if you like. I really want to know how other mums would feel.

It's quite simple, I'm bisexual and I'm in a long term relationship with a woman. I apparently don't look like a lesbian which is possibly why I end up coming out time and time again. My DDs school is no exception unfortunately. Now, as mentioned on my other thread, she has problems with social skills and communication and so I'm fully aware this is the main reason she struggles to make and keep friends. However, I've noticed several mums gradually or immediately start ignoring my DD and I when they hear I am in a same sex relationship, which I obviously find incredibly hurtful.

I'm going to get straight to the point. Would you be uncomfortable with your DC being friends with another DC who's mum was in a relationship with another woman? I've heard of some parents being outraged with their DCs being taught about same sex relationships in primary schools and I guess this falls under the same category.

Thanks for reading and please be as frank as possible.

Sorry, brain not working, male, female, trans, straight, gay, bi. You know what I mean, I hope.

Sorry you are going through this.

Some communities are v insular. I hope it gets better. I didn't actually feel at home at the school gate either. Was made by one group to feel v inadequate and a traitor to DS by not being a SAHM , and by another lot for not deciding automatically which secondary he was going to. And I had the wrong accent for round here.

It would make no difference to me whatsoever. Two of my children's uncles are gay and one aunt so it's something that we wouldn't even bat an eye at. However, sadly I'm not surprised you've had problems. I had one of my daughters teachers call me up when she was 8 absolutely SHOCKED that my daughter knew what the word lesbian meant. Honestly that was the point of the phone call. I originally thought she was calling to tell me that DD thought she was a lesbian but no it was definitely that she was concerned over her using that word. Also my son (now 15) has had to end quite a few friendships as he finds their homophobic views intolerable. I find it all quite shocking to be honest that people could hold such views in the 21st century but they do.

The people that are worth forming friendships with won't give a shiny shit though. At least the arseholes are helpfully signposting themselves.

MrsGradyOldLady: the arseholes are helpfully signposting themselves. lol. It is so true though. I am very tempted to walk through the school gate with a T shirt saying "I am gay get over it" or the like to check who is pulling a face and avoid them from now on.

Agree with mrsgrady - they are signposting themselves, I am shocked this still goes on, though I get the impression a lot of mums face prejudice from other mums at the school gates for a huge variety of reasons :( remember you are so much better than them, I mean, it is hard to get your head around making someone feel bad because they are bisexual, fu## em!

Doesn't bother me. I know that one boy at my DS secondary school has two Mums. He has been bullied but because they withdrew him from rugby lessons.

I agree that MN is far more liberal than wider society so I actually think the responses are more the ones you want to hear. Amongst my sisters one is homophobic, two are indifferent and probably do that othering thing mentioned above and two of us have friends that are gay and sexuality is irrelevant.

I've always been confused and puzzled why some people take such a strong exception to people who just want to love and be in a loving relationship with someone else, regardless of gender, colour, creed etc?

I don't want to sound hippy dippy (but nowt wrong with that, imo, cos I'm quite ancient), but there's so much violence and hate going on around us, why pick on people who want to love and care about someone?

Wish you alll the best, OP

i did limit my children's exposure to friends who's parent's were single or divorced. i probably would have limited their exposure to same sex couples as well.

I couldn't care less. I'm bisexual and so is my husband.

Out2pasture - why is that? I can only hope that you are joking.

Sorry out2pasture you what?! You limited your children's 'exposure' to divorced parents kids?! And single parents, so what if the father had died in a accident or had been in the forces, or the mother had died shortly after birth did you limit your children's exposure to them too?! What did you think would happen your child would suddenly think oh seeing my friends parent struggle is such a nice life I wish my parents would divorce/die?! Being friends with some one who doesn't live with both parents doesn't suddenly want to marry and divorce. Neither does being friends with people in same sex relationships make you gay!

So you'd rather your children were exposed to unhappy parents who are more bothered about scoring points off each other, than paying attention to their own children let alone yours!!
Rather than a happy divorced parent who realised that children are the most important thing in the world and pay high amont of attention to their needs without any of that "adult" politics!

Also don't you think that children who's parents are divorced have had a pretty shit time, and need a friend and understanding from their peers?! They've done nothing wrong! Your punishing your own kids for their friends parents "mistake"

Sorry that was totally off topic.

Anyway, who cares, I'd be more concerned about the wellbeing of the child than the prociece family set up, wether it was divorced parents, single parent, a widow/er, two mums or two dads, if they provide a happy loving home which all of the verious forms of family are callable of doing. Then who is anyone else to judge!

Clearly though you get some who like judging when they don't understand.

I'm bisexual and with a man now. It wouldn't bother me. My dtb is married to a wonderful man and dd spends a lot of time with them. We've never had to explain about sexuality because she just accepts a couple as a couple IYSWIM. Most kids are the same they won't know it's not the perceived norm unless told. Ignore the arseholes who ignore you. Saves you wasting your time on fuckwits. Like my brother says, it's like lending someone 20 quid they have no intention of paying back. They'll avoid you but it's 20 quid well spent if it gets rid of the arsehole

I wouldn't give a toss. In fact, I'd appreciate the chance for my dd to experience same sex partnerships early.

The sooner a child experiences something different, the more likely they are to just accept it without questioning it. I want my dd to just see same sex relationships for what they are - two people that love each other.

I think I agree that yes, not many people would come on here and admit to being homophobic, which is why I suggested that people NC if they were uncomfortable, but maybe people who were anti, couldn't really bothered to do that. I don't know.

Out of 100 odd posts, there have only been 1 (Out2pasture) obviously homophobic person....and single parent phobic too apparently, so that says something I hope. I appreciate the honesty, but it's such a shame you're so broadly discriminative. Your DC are more than likely missing out on so much, because of your views. Very sad.

Out2pasture, I'm not going to debate with you - your views are your views - but just out of interest, what were you worried would happen? Did you think your kids would catch the gay or decide to be single parents or something?

Surely outtopasture is a wind up?

I'd be surprised if you get a debate Dev, but hope I'm wrong, as I would like to know the reason myself.

Wouldn't bat an eyelid, neither would my daughter (12). I can imagine people being surprised and I suppose I can imagine some feeling slightly uncomfortable I guess, if they don't have a wide social circle and are insular people but I think most of the school mums I know wouldn't give 2 hoots.

Just repeating what almost everyone here has already said but it wouldn't bother me at all.
If your straight, gay, bi, trans or anything else that's cool with me. What I'm not okay with is homophobic people and I'd avoid them like the plague.

I couldn't give a stuff but I'm not friends with the sort of people who say 'and what does your husband do?' like we're in an episode of Mad Men anyway :o

I'm very good friends with a lesbian couple though and am a single parent by choice so probably not your average schoolgate mum :)

Must be a wind up as they haven't been back.

not a wind up, just a different time zone.
I've matured quite a bit over time so not sure i would respond the same today at the school gate as i did 20 years ago.
but i did limit my kids exposure as much as possible to anything different.
i worried that if i showed acceptance to sexual or variations in family structure it would make it easier for the children to experiment with different ideas.
to some extent i still believe a male and female married relationship is the ideal.
it may be seen as a warped view, but if the OP is finding some doors closed to her daughter because of her relationship maybe it's because some people are still scared it may affect their children's own sexuality during formative years.

It is not something I would even register as significant. I am bi, DH is also bi and DD who is 4.5yo knows that some of our friends are men married to men or women with girlfriends.

You do know divorce isn't catching don't you? It's also not an experiment, do you really think that divorced parents didn't get married to get divorced they got married because they wanted the same thing as you.

You haven't answered wether that meant you limited your children's exposure to those children who sadly lost a parent through death. What did you think experiment with dying!

out2pasture do you really think knowing about same sex relationships in the formative years will affect how a child turns out? If your gay your gay it's not a choice or something you learn it just is! the same as being straight. Why is being gay a problem genuinely can't understand this way of thinking at all.