Suspected homophobia at the school gates- Your honest opinions please.

[largered]

Hi,

I already have a thread running on this board, which I started when I was incredibly stressed and everything had exploded and I was basically in a very dark place. Dust is settling now slightly, but it's an ongoing problem unfortunately.

I started this thread as I briefly touched on this problem at my DDs school and I would really appreciate your absolute honesty on this. Even if it is brutal- NC if you like. I really want to know how other mums would feel.

It's quite simple, I'm bisexual and I'm in a long term relationship with a woman. I apparently don't look like a lesbian which is possibly why I end up coming out time and time again. My DDs school is no exception unfortunately. Now, as mentioned on my other thread, she has problems with social skills and communication and so I'm fully aware this is the main reason she struggles to make and keep friends. However, I've noticed several mums gradually or immediately start ignoring my DD and I when they hear I am in a same sex relationship, which I obviously find incredibly hurtful.

I'm going to get straight to the point. Would you be uncomfortable with your DC being friends with another DC who's mum was in a relationship with another woman? I've heard of some parents being outraged with their DCs being taught about same sex relationships in primary schools and I guess this falls under the same category.

Thanks for reading and please be as frank as possible.

'Different time zone'

Yes, the 1950s.

Absolutely not but that might be because my mum and her partner's sexual preference influenced my formative years

It was difficult being different at first but I am really proud of my parents and I have the same school friends now in my adult years. So even in the 90's when it was relatively still taboo I managed to find human beings.

I don't know what to suggest if it becomes an issue. I'm sorry! The school can't change peoples warped views. I really hope your daughter doesn't feel isolated by it but having a strong mum helps. It did me, as I say I so proud she didn't have a flying fuck

God forbid anyone should experiment with different ideas...

Argh damn fingers....I'm so proud she didn't give a flying fuck

You knew what I meant.

Well, I've namechanged but at the risk of making myself unpopular, I know homophobia is still endemic, although it's implicit rather than explicit and disguised craftily.

These posts aren't representative.

I will never come out.

My ds best friend has a two mum family and we chose a same sex couple as childminders for him too when he was a baby. I just wanted him to have as many experiences of "normal" as possible so the fact that it was a same sex couple looking after him was abit of positive discrimination I guess.

Now, I know how you feel as my da is mixed race and the distancing etc that you describe i can very much relate too. It is heartbreaking. Bigots

Ds not da

Being gay is a problem due higher suicide and self harm rates. It's not easy. To some extent I think someone can be influenced into trying different things.
I was born in the 50's....

Right you do understand why gay people have a higher suicide rate don't you out2pasture because people that are gay feel ."different" and isolated and their life isn't worth the same as a heterosexual, something you are emphasising by limiting your children's time with them. Rather than treating them the same way as you would a hetrosexual couple, and showing them their people first and foremost.

If you isolate people they fall in to depression and feel worthless.

Same with children of divorced couples, so along with feeling great sadness and confusion about the situation their parents are in, some one who could make them feel nice, I.e a peer a friend is stopped from spending time with them because their mother is concerned her children might be tempted to self harm. Causing them to self harm and be depressed.

If you let your children be friends with them and treated them normally and sent that message to your kids. Neither the gay people, the divorced couple or their children would self harm.

The 1950s comment wasn't a compliment, and being born in the 1950s is an excuse for your type of attitude.

You can't catch gay out2pasture.

Funnily enough the only people I'd want to limit my children's exposure to is bigots (such as yourself), although at 11 & 13 my younger children recognise bigotry & will call it out. (My eldest is severely disabled so presumably we're avoided by people scared of anything remotely different as well).

I wouldn't be remotely surprised if one if my kids in particular turned out to be gay. I have absolutely no fear that he might commit suicude (ffs) for it because he knows it is a total non-issue to us. He talks to me about homophobia at school (the last time it was mentioned being yesterday), we know many people who are gay (including some of his older 'mentors') & have general conversations around things like marriage where heteronormativity is not assumed. Eg:
Me: Is he the one who got married recently?
Him: yeah.
Me: is he gay?
Him: yeah.
Me: oh what's his husband like?
Him: dunno never met him but he looked nice in the photos.

Etc etc none issue.

I'm fairly depressed if our position on all this is unusual - I thought things had changed a lot. We live in the sticks but do seem surrounded by liberal types (may be because our areas of contact with friends tend to be via academia or the arts where homophobia would not be tolerated.)

Increased suicide is a risk if you feel ashamed, or rejected and due to bigoted attitudes (particularly within a community that is important to you). We don't see bigots as important (ds1 scares them away anyway) so I'm not worried about ds2 or ds3's sexual choices.

The other-ing is a little different msybe? We get that a bit with ds1 as well, but if people mean well I can forgive a little crassness from non-exposure.

My parents were born in the 1940's and aren't homophobic. Age is no excuse for bigotry.

Actually my grandmother was born in the 1920's, was a lifelong raving tory & wasn't homophobic - so really being born in the 1950's is no excuse.

I'd care more about whether the DC was a good person than the parent's sexuality. After all my child is more likely to be friends with their child, therefore how they get on is more important to me. If they get on well that's great!

I have to admit I don't have any gay friends or relatives as a frame of reference for my own view (or that I know of!). I'd be secretly quite chuffed that my DC has friends from a wide variety of backgrounds that is more representative of the world.

There would be no problem from me. I'd also distance myself and my child from any parents exhibiting homophobic behaviour. I would not want them around bigoted people.

out2pasture, yes, the ideal relationship is between a man and a woman, if you're HETEROSEXUAL The ideal relationship is between a woman and a woman if you're a lesbian. It's that simple, isn't it? Can you honestly not see that? Would you prefer people to suffer and be riddled with guilt and fear, like the "good" old days and pretend to be someone else and conform to the "norm"? Even though they were utterly miserable? Would you? I'm asking you honestly. Now I can only assume you're as straight as a line, but if it was the norm to be gay and you were expected to sleep with and marry a woman, could you? Your sexuality is no more real than mine and vice versa.

Largered, you asked people to be frank, everyone here has said it wouldn't bother them a bit apart from out2pasture I think it is important that people can have their say whatever their position - they have a chance to rethink their views and opinions and hopefully out2pasture has done just that. Some people live in small worlds and don't know or see anything outside of that. I hope from this thread you have seen most people just don't care who other people love and sleep with. All the best to you.

out2pasture Wouldn't it be great if we were all heterosexual? Sadly that's not the case and you just have to admit that certain people aren't. They were born this way. maybe we should tell heterosexuals to stop making gay babies!
I am not sure you will grow open minded people if you don't expose your Dcs to certain people. Would it not be the best outcome possible that they can live in harmony with everyone?
My parents used to think like you and still do. I didn't have a clue what a gay person was. When I first met one I didn't feel that they looked as bad as they wanted me to believe. The result: they did not stop me being gay. They just made my job of coming out harder and I felt nearly suicidal at times. Today they refuse to meet my partner and I might decide to go NC with them. It will be their loss.

Grumpy, yes that's right, I did ask people to be as honest as possible. I have said I appreciate out2pasture honesty and I genuinely do. However, that does not mean I can't challenge her views. She's not being attacked. I am not being nasty.

out2pasture please do not feel that your opinion is not as valid as any. It is. And don't take it personally.
My opinion just differs from yours for obvious reasons.

Oh I know lagered I just think it is important people can air views and it is right those views are challenged.

"'Different time zone'

Yes, the 1950s."

On, ffs.
I know this thread is about homophobia. But please don't show how anti homophobic you are by being ageist.

Saying it's an attitude from the 1950s is ageist? OK. Live and learn.

Personally for me the thought process would be ok largered dd has two mummies. i might give it a two seconds thought, something along the lines of how do they manage to keep their private life private as it must be a bit odd/annoying having to explain to people your sexual preference all the time as I don't have to say hi my name is muskey and I am a heterosexual. After that it wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

I wouldn't have a problem with it. My DD has been friends with a little boy for about 2 years. They are both now in Reception. He has 2 Dads. Everyone knows because one Dad is a well respected teacher at their school. We live in what is supposed to be a Conservative town. Pah.

There are two families of lesbian parents in my DS' school year group. I don't think anybody has even noticed particularly! Wouldn't even remotely bother me.

anti homophobic you are by being ageist.

No one was being ageist though, just aluding to the fact the attitude may have been acceptable in that period and it's not now.

Because it's been pointed out that people born in the 40's And 20's weren't homophobic, so it's doubtful everyone in the 50's was. In fact the poster you should complain too is the person who's making anti divorced homophobic comments her defence is well that's when I was born so it's acceptable that I have this mind set. Er no no it's not.

One of my closest friends is a lesbisn married couple, god mothers to my son. I would be very sad if anyone felt uncomfortable with this. I hope you don't meet too many numpties at the school gate!