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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband shouts swears and calls me names in front of kids!

85 replies

Amber83 · 10/01/2016 19:52

Hi
I'm new to this so please be kind!
I've been with my husband for 6 years, I have 2 children from my previous marriage and we have 2 together. He has always had a short temper and acts like a child when things don't go his way. My real concern is how this is affecting my kids, he will get annoyed if I say or do something he doesn't like it if I disagree with him, he quickly raises his voice, then begins swearing and calling me names like stupid fu*ing bitch and tell me to go f*k myself in front of them. I am constantly telling him to stop swearing and he just seems to let rip more. When he has calmed down he will admit he shouldn't do it in front of kids but then quickly blames me for pissing him off.

My question is should I give up on another marriage and break up another home?

Thanks for reading X

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 10/01/2016 20:00

Yes, without a doubt

Sophia1984 · 10/01/2016 20:01

Please don't think that this would be you 'breaking up another home.' I hear a lot of self-blame and judgement there. How your husband is treating you is not acceptable and that is in no way your fault. Is he abusive in other ways in addition to the swearing (which by itself is horrible)? Is leaving the marriage what you want to do?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/01/2016 20:01

Your man is being verbally abusive and blames you for being this way as well. He is totally abdicating all responsibility for his actions here by doing that and he will not change.

Is this really what you want to teach them about relationships; that this is how people really behave in a marriage?.

Have you as yet sought legal advice?. After all knowledge is power.

I would have a chat with Womens Aid particularly if you are in the UK.

What if your children start swearing at you in a similar manner; they are seeing their dad directly do this to you. If the marriage does end it will do so only because of his actions. Would that be really breaking up another home?. Home to these children and you should be a sanctuary; for whatever reasons your H is having his own private war with you so it is really now akin to a warzone. Your homelife would become a lot more peaceful without his shouting and swearing in it if he was not there day to day.

Sleepingbunnies · 10/01/2016 20:02

Why would you put up with that? You are teaching your children that's what's acceptable to put up with in their future relationships!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/01/2016 20:04

Yes definitely end it.

Then get yourself whatever therapy you need to work out why you married someone who has always had a short temper and acts like a child when things don't go his way so that in a few years time you don't find yourself again needing to give up on another marriage and break up another home

You know what you have to do.

Sparkletastic · 10/01/2016 20:05

There's no give up / break up - just do the right thing for you and your children. You and they deserve better.

Hillfarmer · 10/01/2016 21:24

He is utterly vile. How dare he treat you in this way. Does he think he's got you by the short and curlies because you have been married before and don't want to end up with another failed relationship. Well, newsflash, he is behaving unacceptably and he is destroying your relationship. This is not just nasty behaviour, it's absolutely disgusting and no-one should put up with being treated this way. Don't blame yourself OP. What on earth gives him the right to treat you this way? Ugh.

Lweji · 10/01/2016 21:26

If anyone is breaking anything, it's him.

decisionsdecisions123 · 10/01/2016 23:07

How often does this happen? What else is happening? Doesn't sound like much fun to me.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 10/01/2016 23:12

Does he do this at work? Let rip at anyone who annoys him?
I guess not in which case he is choosing to do it to you. How he reacts is not your responsibility.
Yes you should think about leaving.

goddessofsmallthings · 11/01/2016 00:21

You knew this man had "a short temper and acts like a child" yet you chose to inflict him on your dc and go on to have more dc with him.

I feel so very sorry for all of your dc who are growing up to believe that their dps behaviour is normal and who will no doubt replicate the abuse they've witnessed you and your h engaging in in their own adult relationships.

Original poster

Amber83 · 11/01/2016 11:05

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond, some of your responses were quite hard to read but you are right, think I needed the tough love! I have calmly told my husband that I want to separate, he didn't take it well as expected.
We rent our house in joint names and I know he won't leave quietly or make this easy for me, don't really want to dump all this at my parents door as I have involved them before. Has anyone else been through a similar situation before? I just feel so sick 😕

OP posts:

ouryve · 11/01/2016 11:11

You shouldn't put up with it, even without the kids around.

I would suggest that, if he's always been like this, you shouldn't have married the bastard in the first place. Too late for that, now, but if ever there was a valid reason for walking away from someone, this level of abuse is it. Worrying about "breaking up" another marriage is not a valid reason to put up with this or the rest of your life, let alone expose your kids to it.

Original poster

Amber83 · 11/01/2016 11:15

Thanks I know you are right, I think I was just stupid and nieve always hoping he would change or that I could stop annoying him so he wouldn't need to react that way.

OP posts:

Hillfarmer · 11/01/2016 12:04

Can people please get off OP's back with the 'you should never have married him in the first place' stuff. Come on - I don't suppose she's not thought of that! We don't need to have penance on here do we?

Don't hide away OP. I know it is tough telling your parents again, but they will want to know. You should not be ashamed here. Don't take on the shame your H should be feeling.

And don't expect him to take anything 'well'. He has all the makings of a shit, he will be a shit to divorce as well. Keep your expectations low and you will be better prepared.

Gather support around you. This is the time - when you're feeling sick all the time - that you need to lean on other people and they hold you up for a while. After that you can start to get stronger. You can do it, you just don't know you can at the moment.

Jan45 · 11/01/2016 12:04

Disgusting, if you don't get your kids away from that shit they will grow up to be exactly the same, they will think it's normal and it so very is not.

What an arsehole, he does not deserve you or children.

pocketsaviour · 11/01/2016 12:08

It's better to be from a broken home, than in one.

Your kids will thank you for taking them away from this poisonous man. They may not like the change initially, kids don't. But they will benefit from it.

Original poster

Amber83 · 11/01/2016 12:20

Thanks hillfarmer, and yes I do realise I should never have married him, too late for regrets though. It's so hard because slot if the time we get on, we have enjoyable days out as a family etc but looking at it from a far I suppose it is usually on his terms and the kids have to behave like saints as he has no patience with them or me.

OP posts:

ouryve · 11/01/2016 14:54

If he's taking it out on the kids (and he will likely escalate, as they get older, even if he just snaps at them, now) then use that as your impetus to stick by your words and get you all away from him.

You and the kids will be a lovely family unit, together, without him. Plus, you'll not be spending every moment trying to predict how you might piss him off next and desperately dong a silly dance, trying to avoid it. You'll be able to relax and be yourselves.

Get the support of everyone you can. Don't worry about your parents. If they're decent sorts, they'll be glad to see you get away from the bully. The fact that you've done it before means that you know how to do it again. Only this time you can be all the more determined to learn from your mistakes. Do the Freedom Program or embark on some individual counselling, if that's accessible to you.

Joysmum · 11/01/2016 14:57

It's better to be from a broken home, than in one

Exactly!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 11/01/2016 15:18

a lot of "should not", "must" and "shouldn't have" - cos no one here makes fucking mistakes right? correct me - but don't many people hang out here as we are, or have been on the receiving end of this shit . Yet time and time again ....such harsh words...

OP, the sad lesson I am slowly learning is the trade off between breaking the home up, versus

having a scared Mum, who walks on eggshells
learning that its OK for men to call women "fucking bitches/fucking cunts"
learning that grown ups don't have to control their temper, as their Dad doesn't does he?
learning that when M&D are talking, its time to duck down and stay quiet

The thing that scares me, is my 7 year old now loses his temper and BLAMES ME! I am in the slow and painful process of separating too

I think a broken home is better than witnessing toxic behaviour every day, but its rough and tough

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 11/01/2016 15:19

and mine took it it very badly too!!!! baby steps

please feel free to PM me for any websites. I am on the start of the road like u

Original poster

Amber83 · 11/01/2016 17:36

Thanks, my older 2 are 7 and almost 9, to be honest I think they will have mixed emotions about it, they have known him since they were 1 and 2 so obviously have formed bonds with him but at the same time I think they will be relieved, no more arguments for them to witness and a better atmosphere in the house. My little ones are only 16 months and almost 3, they adore their daddy so I'm really worried about the effect it will have on the 3 year old most. I know I will be happier without him eventually, I'm just dreading this messy but now. He's just come home from work and has gone upstairs to watch to in our room, hasn't even acknowledged the kids!

OP posts:

Jan45 · 11/01/2016 18:00

Children are less affected by this stuff than you think - they don't think like adults, if they are told in the right way and see two parents being amicable then being told that mum and dad are now going to live separately doesn't have to sound like the end of the world to them.

They are much more affected by parents arguing and being spiteful.

In a lot of cases people use the kids as an excuse to not actually change the situation out of their own fear of the unknown or whatever it may be..... kids don't know what a relationship consists of so have nothing to compare it to and let's face it how many kids nowadays have both parents living together, it's hardly something rare or unknown.

I know kids grow up fast and as a parent you have to ensure they feel happy, cared for and have a nice safe environment to flourish in, if you don't provide this or are exposing them to horrible atmospheres etc, it will be a big regret later on when it's too late to change it.

Original poster

Amber83 · 11/01/2016 18:58

Ive just told my mum, she seems more worried that I won't cope with my 2 boys on my own! They are a bit of a handful, the girls are much easier, I said about it being abuse but I think she thinks I'm over reacting.
Does anyone know of any counselling that is not relate? I can't get through to them.

Thanks

OP posts:

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