Husband shouts swears and calls me names in front of kids!

[Amber83]

Hi
I'm new to this so please be kind!
I've been with my husband for 6 years, I have 2 children from my previous marriage and we have 2 together. He has always had a short temper and acts like a child when things don't go his way. My real concern is how this is affecting my kids, he will get annoyed if I say or do something he doesn't like it if I disagree with him, he quickly raises his voice, then begins swearing and calling me names like stupid fu*ing bitch and tell me to go f*k myself in front of them. I am constantly telling him to stop swearing and he just seems to let rip more. When he has calmed down he will admit he shouldn't do it in front of kids but then quickly blames me for pissing him off.

My question is should I give up on another marriage and break up another home?

Thanks for reading X

The boys may well become easier when there isn't a shouting abuser at home.
Counselling for yourself?

It's a shame your mum thinks you are overreacting. But I can bet you've been trying to frantically smooth things over to the outside world, including her, and covering for him when he was being a shit. She doesn't know what went on but she does need to believe you though. Well done for telling her anyway.

Yes, counselling for myself, I seem to have very bad taste in men so would be interesting to see if there is a reason behind it (or are all the good looking ones arseholes?). Yes I hope the boys will calm down when they are but copying his behaviour, I really hope it's not too late for the 7 yr old. Can anyone explain the ds dd dh etc please, I'm new to this!

ds - darling son
dd - darling daughter
dh - darling husband

I think Women's Aid might be able to help you with counselling via the Freedom Programme if you are in a pattern of forming relationships with abusive men. Good luck, OP.

I read this and felt I had to post. I have been where you have been. Married verbally abusive (at times) dh when I was in my early 20's. He was lovely most of the time but when he lost his temper over silly little things, that is when he became verbally abusive. And I woukd also walk round on eggshells not wanting ti set him off. I married him (I can see now) out of a lack of self confidence and like you thought he would change. He didn't. We all make mistajes and you shouldn't let anyone on this thread or in rl berate you for this. What you need is support. I left him 2 years ago after finally guts to go. I stayed for the dc's (who adore their dad ) and didn't want to break up the family. Again, mistake. Please don't stay for them. They will adapt, you will cope. My two were a little unsettled at first (they were 10 and 6) but are now happily adjusted and see plenty of him. I can promise you you will feel like a weight has been lifted. I felt that the moment I left. I am now so much happier than I ever was. I have a new DP who is everything that ex h was not. And the difference in the relationship with him shows me how wrong the other relationship was. You can do this. No-one should have to put up with verbal abuse. No-one should have to live like that and your dc's need to know that that is not how a normal relationship should be.

"Ive just told my mum, she seems more worried that I won't cope with my 2 boys on my own! They are a bit of a handful, the girls are much easier, I said about it being abuse but I think she thinks I'm over reacting".

Your mother was not helpful to say the least in saying that. This is perhaps partly why you have chosen so poorly in men; what sort of an example of a relationship did your parents show you?. What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. You have probably only stayed to date out of some forlorn hope he would change. Such men do not change.

I would contact Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 as they can and will help you further.

I have changed my username just incase anyone recognises my name!

Surprisingly my parents have been happily married for 36 years, they were first loves and have an abuse free marriage so I have no idea where I went wrong.

Every time I feel like chickening out I remind myself of the kids, I don't want them being exposed to his outbursts anymore. Im finding it really hard though, I won't let the kids see me upset though, I think it will get a bit easier once one of us moves out. He's very stubborn though so I'm viewing a house today but it's £250 a month more in rent, will be a real stretch but rents have gone up so much in the 3 years we have been in this house.

Just a point, nrft, but words like 'must', 'should' and 'ought' are considered 100% psychological barriers to effective communication.

A hypnotherapist once told me that.

Encourage the OP to do what you think she 'should' do, but for heaven's sake, just don't use the word if you want the message to be read in the spirit in which it was intended.

Sometimes OP, what seems like an ideal marriage on the surface, isn't in reality in the real sense of the word. It can work perfectly for the couple concerned - they're both really happy, but could include, for example, codependence or other dynamics that only they really know about.

That's why your dm has not be able to see his behaviour as abuse.

Hi I am in a similar situation you described. Can you please tell me if you went through and divorced your husband. I am at breaking point now and don't know what to do.

There is a thread on here by a distressed mother who escaped an abusive marriage but her son is now abusing her copying his father's behaviour. Don't think of it as breaking up a family but as saving your children.

My husband called my son a ‘Fucking dick’ tonight. He is 14. He then called me a fucking idiot. It was all because my son was annoying him by tapping the TV control against the table. He snatched it out his hand and I was shocked he’d been so rude so I said ‘Don’t snatch like that’. We both got a mouthful. I really feel he is starting to rub off on them despite my best efforts to ensure they are a) polite b) do not swear. They love him though! Sometimes things are fine and I think I should stay put and then other times I think it’s just a bad influence and I need to get them out of it. It’s hard knowing what’s for the best! Advice needed. He has been physical in the past - only on a handful of occasions in 21 years but he has a short temper and is crap at discussing it! He has said he’ll do better but can he really change?

I know the answers myself but I need to hear them back.

start a new thread peacefultimes then you are likely to get some responses.

fwiw, yes, get out. save your son from this bully

It's abusive. If your friend called you these things would she be your friend anymore? Your children will learn to disrespect you.

What an arse.

You sound like you’re accepting the blame for his appalling behaviour.
I’m not sure what you want us to tell you but it seems pretty cut and dried to me.
You’ve got to get you and your kids out of this situation.
GET RID!

Hi Mum. Why did you make us live like that? Why did you model that relationship for us? Why did you teach us that we were responsible for Dad's moods? Why did you force us into that situation?

Yes I'm still angry.

So sorry you're going through this. But:

He's just come home from work and has gone upstairs to watch to in our room, hasn't even acknowledged the kids!

Tells you all you need to know. Do you have support in real life to help? Agree that he is abusing you and you your kids should not have to live like this. My Dad was like this and I still remember hiding under my bed aged 5 because I was so scared go him shouting. I'm mid-40s now but it is still as clear as day.

Please make plans to get him out. Keep talking to us.

He sounds awful. How would he view this situation?

Please know your worth. I honestly know how hard this must be but think of how the kids must feel. You are stronger than you realise x

My question is should I give up on another marriage and break up another home?. Nah, your question is, ‘should I protect my children from the toxic atmosphere of living with a verbally abusive bully’?

Fast forward to when your girls are women and your boys are men, is this the environment you want their children to grow up in?

He is disgusting, you are both teaching your kids that verbal abuse is what happens in a family set up, they will repeat this behaviour; he's not sorry, or else he's seek help or stop doing it, get rid of him before he really fucks up your children.

Please do contact Womens Aid.
Ask about their Freedom Programme.
This course will help you avoid abusive fuckwits in future.
Help you set boundaries.
Help with your assertiveness and self-esteem.
Really worth doing.

In the mean-time, get away.
If you think he could turn violent then Womens Aid can help you with a safe exit plan.
They can also advise on local counsellors in your area who specialise in abuse cases.

What is the house situation?
Would he leave if told him to?

I see the house situation.
Could you speak to the landlord and arrange to have your name taken off or get his name taken off.
Do you work?
Citizens Advice can help you with regards to housing and benefits.
Shelter may be able to give you some advice as well.
But please, make sure you get out as quickly as you can.
This is an awful environment for your DC and a terrible model of what a relationship should look like.

100% leave his ass!