Financial control. What is normal?

[AngryMo]

I've lost count how many times I've tried to start this thread, and don't know how to articulate it as I don't really know what I want. It ranges from I need to leave ASAP to I might as well just stay.

The many questions that I keep switching between are:

Is DH emotionally/financially abusive? I don't know if I'm imagining it or if it is real.

How do couples manage their finances if one stays at home? I want to know what other people do to see if the way he manages it is normal or not.

Why does he on the one hand, show off to his friends about the money he's spent doing up our house recently and the flashy things he's bought, but on the other, makes me feel like I'm almost stealing his money when I need cash for housekeeping or other essential things for the children (we agreed I would stay home until kids are in school)? Why does he make me account for every single penny like we don't have any money when I know he has plenty? Why did he buy me an expensive gift for Christmas and splash out on expensive wines and things for our guests but then have a go at me for spending £7.50 on a gift for a friend's daughter, which he then checked the price of online to check I wasn't lying?

I'm exhausted living with him and he makes me miserable which can't be much fun for him either. I don't see how he can enjoy being in this relationship either. In the past he's humiliated me in front of friends, reducing me to tears in front of them, he's stormed off leaving me in a restaurant on my own with a full plate after I wanted to discuss what was wrong with us and how we could fix it. I've also had two panic attacks because of how he treats me. He never apologises in person but has by email but even the never spontaneously, always as a result of me telling him he needs to apologise.

Also, he doesn't really react when I tell him we should probably just split up and then pretends everything is fine after an argument's died down. Why does he do that?

I never get any real emotion from him and I don't remember the last time I thought what a lovely person you are. I used to, but that was years ago. I get so jealous when I see happy couples bantering away together, being affectionate with one another.

But then again, maybe I am a complete idiot, what was I thinking giving up my job to look after my children? Why did I hand over my financial independence? Is he right to control my spending so tightly? Should I have to ask every time I need to buy a new bra or want to take the kids out or need to buy a present for a friend? Maybe this is normal, I don't know. Maybe it is all his money and I don't deserve to be spending it. I rarely ask for money for anything frivolous. Maybe because he earns the money, if he wants to spend £2000 on an appliance I have no right to say it's too expensive. I'm so scared to tell him I overspent the other day by accident. He's never been physically abusive but I'm scared of his reaction. Often if I tell him something - anything, not necessarily money related, I wonder why I bothered because it's not worth the grief, so I keep many things to myself and it makes me secretive which I dislike. I am a very open person generally and it's not in my nature to behave that way but I feel forced to.

Thing is though because I am now financially dependent, he knows it's not that easy for me to leave. I don't know what to do. I love my children deeply and they are only small and need us to be together.

Anyone who can relate to me or has any experience, has words of advice, or even to tell me I'm being pathetic, whatever it is, I would like to know.

I got my ducks in a row to leave and then informed DH, about 5 days later he had an epiphany and 2 years later we are still together and life has steadily improved.

So I can only say get your ducks in a row and when you tell him it is over mean it, if he has an epiphany be very very very clear on what your conditions are for even considering staying and trying to work it through.

It seems the only viable option at the moment. I can't leave him without planning and now is a bad time for other reasons too. I've decided I'm going to be very strict with myself and put aside whatever cash I can get my hands on. I'm going to look into working from home a few hours a week and squirrel away whatever I can. I'm going to remain distant with him. I will not be fooled by attempts at normal conversations or little gifts.

Do you get the child benefit?

Nope.

You don't get the child benefit? How ever did that come about after you gave birth? Who applied for it? Why don't you have access to it? What is it spent on? What would he say it is spent on? Sorry for the questions, I am flabbergasted by that.

He might earn too much newyear

True. And all the more reason for him not to be so tight.

Nothing sinister about it, it's just we don't qualify.

I would say, work on your plan to get your hands some money of your own, which you absolutely must do, and also stand up to him without engaging if you catch my drift. There is danger in submission. If he treats you like a child tell him not to straight. If something isnt normal he needs to know. My H "told me off" for using the landline earlier. I told him he was out of order. But then my marriage is fucked so maybe i shouldn't give advice! Good luck

As a family you don't qualify but I think you can still claim and your partner would then be expected to pay the charge. It can be back dated three months too so could add up to a tidy sum. It might be worth looking into.

Yes. You can claim child benefit, it just comes off income tax

Really? I thought as he owns over £50k or whatever we couldn't claim and that was that. Thanks, I will look it up.

Just done the online calculator thingy and the charge is the same as the benefit, so pointless for us!

It sounds like it might not be pointless for you if you get the benefit and he gets the charge?

I don't get it, how would that work? He'd know there would be a charge so why would we claim it in the first place?

I could be wrong on this but I think if you have a child benefit claim you get national insurance credits as a stay at home mum which make no financial difference now but does on retirement. You could use it as a "reason" to make an application if he asks why you've applied (assume you can do it online). Then the child benefit will go in your account but he will pay extra tax to claw it back.

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/protecting-your-state-pension-when-you-have-a-baby

Link says it is worth claiming if you are looking after child. It is the mother who is entitled to claim I believe so I don't see he can stop you. And it is in your interests at retirement if you're not earning enough to pay national insurance.

I see. I've just found this:
You can choose not to get Child Benefit payments, but you should still fill in the Child Benefit claim form. This will help you get National Insurance creditsswhich count towards your State Pensionn.
Never knew that!

You are entitled to it legally. People who earn enough often don't claim to save the paperwork but they aren't usually being financially controlled by their spouse. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

Augustmoon, sorry you are experiencing similar to me. What did you say to him when he told you off for using the landline? And why did it anger him?

Would it be possible to do some cash in hand work like a bit of ironing while you look for a job so you can get a head start with saving.

I don't think anyone would pay me for ironing but yes, I could do something similar, so thanks for the suggestion.

Its not normal and he sounds like a right bully!

I was a stay at home mum for a year or so when I had my ds and my dh wage was family money and now im working my wage is also family money.

Sounds like he's selfish and entitled. If I were you id look for a job and LTB. Doesn't sound like he helps much with the kids anyway so you might be better off on your own?

I thought everyone was eligible for family allowance until child is 16 or until they finish higher education

It hasn't been called family allowance in well over a decade. It will all soon fall under Universal Credit, too. In some areas, it already is Universal Credit.