Financial control. What is normal?

[AngryMo]

I've lost count how many times I've tried to start this thread, and don't know how to articulate it as I don't really know what I want. It ranges from I need to leave ASAP to I might as well just stay.

The many questions that I keep switching between are:

Is DH emotionally/financially abusive? I don't know if I'm imagining it or if it is real.

How do couples manage their finances if one stays at home? I want to know what other people do to see if the way he manages it is normal or not.

Why does he on the one hand, show off to his friends about the money he's spent doing up our house recently and the flashy things he's bought, but on the other, makes me feel like I'm almost stealing his money when I need cash for housekeeping or other essential things for the children (we agreed I would stay home until kids are in school)? Why does he make me account for every single penny like we don't have any money when I know he has plenty? Why did he buy me an expensive gift for Christmas and splash out on expensive wines and things for our guests but then have a go at me for spending £7.50 on a gift for a friend's daughter, which he then checked the price of online to check I wasn't lying?

I'm exhausted living with him and he makes me miserable which can't be much fun for him either. I don't see how he can enjoy being in this relationship either. In the past he's humiliated me in front of friends, reducing me to tears in front of them, he's stormed off leaving me in a restaurant on my own with a full plate after I wanted to discuss what was wrong with us and how we could fix it. I've also had two panic attacks because of how he treats me. He never apologises in person but has by email but even the never spontaneously, always as a result of me telling him he needs to apologise.

Also, he doesn't really react when I tell him we should probably just split up and then pretends everything is fine after an argument's died down. Why does he do that?

I never get any real emotion from him and I don't remember the last time I thought what a lovely person you are. I used to, but that was years ago. I get so jealous when I see happy couples bantering away together, being affectionate with one another.

But then again, maybe I am a complete idiot, what was I thinking giving up my job to look after my children? Why did I hand over my financial independence? Is he right to control my spending so tightly? Should I have to ask every time I need to buy a new bra or want to take the kids out or need to buy a present for a friend? Maybe this is normal, I don't know. Maybe it is all his money and I don't deserve to be spending it. I rarely ask for money for anything frivolous. Maybe because he earns the money, if he wants to spend £2000 on an appliance I have no right to say it's too expensive. I'm so scared to tell him I overspent the other day by accident. He's never been physically abusive but I'm scared of his reaction. Often if I tell him something - anything, not necessarily money related, I wonder why I bothered because it's not worth the grief, so I keep many things to myself and it makes me secretive which I dislike. I am a very open person generally and it's not in my nature to behave that way but I feel forced to.

Thing is though because I am now financially dependent, he knows it's not that easy for me to leave. I don't know what to do. I love my children deeply and they are only small and need us to be together.

Anyone who can relate to me or has any experience, has words of advice, or even to tell me I'm being pathetic, whatever it is, I would like to know.

I would respond, I need to feed your children, if I need more money I will ask for it and expect it without question.

You, of course may not feel that is possible. I hate this man on your behalf Mo. Don't thank him or say OK.

what about 'Actually, I've thought about it and no, transferring me this measly 'allowance' like I'm 7 years old won't do. I want full access to our family's finances and equal say about spending'?

I bet he'd have a heart attack

Katharina
Maybe just a passive aggressive thanks for the reminder. So I've said thanks but certainly not for the money.

Mo, when he is in the UK with you, do you get more money? surely he doesn't go out and buy fancy foods for himself, I mean do you cook for you all as a family?

Yes he'll increase it when he's here. He doesn't just have a shelf in the fridge just for him full of caviar and smoked salmon, while on ours is an old soggy lettuce and some old crusts

Good god, what am I doing, joking about it?

No, but I wondered if he gave you very much extra. you know, an extra £20 or an extra £100. I mean does he have any idea of the cost of things?

Wow. There are no words that are adequate to describe this man.

You are a grown women....if he thinks so lowly of you why has he deemed it fine for you to bring up his children?

Well we know why. It is so it furthers his career, so he can excert power because he probably has a small ahem penis...sorry I couldn't resist that and reap all the rewards of his salary!

Mo when will your car be back on the road?

We'll even go out for family meals and things. When he's participating it's ok for him to spend £100 on a family meal out but when it's just me and the kids, no way.

Phoenix is right, responsible enough to have almost all input into 3 young lives and to run a house, not responsible enough to have a look at the bank statements.

Grumpy he knows the individual prices of things - who said not knowing how much a pint of milk costs - but oh he so does. He just has no idea of quantity, of frequency, of quality etc because he doesn't understand the day to day workings of running a household.

Wow. There are no words that would adequately describe this man.

You have been very composed an excellent silent assassin, but I can only imagine how difficult it is.

So, so glad that you have this email trail....will come in very handy.

I have said it before but try and contact women's aid when you feel ready. They at least might be able to guide you in locating food banks and things of a legal nature.

No, neither does mine, but he does just accept what I say.

Oops double posted!

Mo he doesn't know. You can easily spend £20 on just basics!

Your reply depends on your exit strategy.

1. Public Fight to the Death.
   Let the war begin now. Send a stroppy email. Speak your mind. Tell all his mates what he's doing. Refuse to hide his dirty little secret any more. Ask the school about claiming Pupil Premium (and put it on FB) even if you think you won't qualify. Start freelancing publicly immediately. All that jazz.

2. Surprise Attack.
   Let him think everything is normal until the exact moment you and the DC leave. Be your old grovelling self. Maybe pointing out the flaws in his sums, over the car and groceries. You could keep your own notes with your true reactions to his behaviour in the quiet time. Get stuff in writing as far as possible. Anything showing failure to act in the interests of the DC could be very useful later. Start freelancing quietly. Plan your exit quietly in the background.

I don't think there is any middle ground. Only you know which option will suit you best.

I think £75 is very little for food for 4 pax, with dairy & protein & veg its 89p per person per meal (3 meals a say)
you then get the top up, but there are hair cuts, & school activities, & nappies, loo role.....& go forbid what else

I think the email should say "£75 per week for food is 89p PP, per meal you fucking bastard."

Funny you should say that *Mix568

Lunch in jail costs taxpayers 88p per prisoner (from a newspaper website). He gives you about the same as the cost of a prison lunch.

I was trying work out that too so you each get £18.75 week or £2.67 per day for food. Living like kings!

Does he top his portion up the same? X5 is £93.75 does he give you exactly that or round up his share to £100? Just wondering how closely penny counting goes

When you think a school lunch is around £2.40, you each get £2.67 a day for 3 meals plus snacks - that is gobsmacking. Of course there are people struggling on tiny sums on low incomes but who would choose to do that to their family through choice, gee whizz.

He also doesn't account for growth spurts in the children. When my DC are having a growth spurt they can eat far more than normal.

Personally, I would go for the silent attack. However, no one would blame you if you also exposed him to the world.

Sorry, I know the school meals you pay for don't come out of the £75 but even so... school holidays and so on...

I have said before, but try (when ready) to contact women's aid. They may least able to direct you to food banks.

I would tell him he has left you no choice due to his miserly allowance to start using food banks/asking HIS friends for charity.

That's a very wise post from Runrabbit. Public fight to the death or surprise attack, unfortunately there is another option - stay and put up with it, which is the default option and one which I'm hoping you're not going for.

I've read this thread with a growing sense of disgust that one man can treat his family like this but also with growing admiration as you've really grasped some hard facts fast and your whole perception of what's happening has changed in a very short period.

To me your biggest advantage right now is the fact he is away. Yes he's exerting his financial control from the distance, but at least you've got a bit of time to plan and think what your next move is now you've reached the bitter truth about him.

He'll already know something odd is going on from your lack of skype and your challenges, I suspect that if you respond in full throttle, you'll be getting a surprise visit home where he might be charming and make a few concessions around the old budget, might even push it up to £100 per week, anything to put you back in your box.

By all means tell him the truth £75 is not enough for his family to live on and point out the cost of things, but if it were me I'd try to keep calm for now.

Work on getting your emergency fund up as you'll need money whatever comes next.Is there stuff you can sell - I bet he's the type that buys expensive jewellery - anything you can pawn or ebay ?

I think RunRabbit makes an excellent point and maybe you feel torn between these choices Mo. I won't speculate about the Child Benefit issue but is there something bigger going on which has a bearing on the whole situation and how you might decide to proceed? Or is it a minor thing? You need legal advice to decide on your strategy. A middle ground response would be 'so the £75 you have given to pay for x,y and z is an advance and as a result you intend to give only £75 on x date for all living expenses for 3 DC and I for 2 weeks?'. Then call the police and book solicitor. It is the only fit response to this cunt. Sorry for repeating myself