Financial control. What is normal?

[AngryMo]

I've lost count how many times I've tried to start this thread, and don't know how to articulate it as I don't really know what I want. It ranges from I need to leave ASAP to I might as well just stay.

The many questions that I keep switching between are:

Is DH emotionally/financially abusive? I don't know if I'm imagining it or if it is real.

How do couples manage their finances if one stays at home? I want to know what other people do to see if the way he manages it is normal or not.

Why does he on the one hand, show off to his friends about the money he's spent doing up our house recently and the flashy things he's bought, but on the other, makes me feel like I'm almost stealing his money when I need cash for housekeeping or other essential things for the children (we agreed I would stay home until kids are in school)? Why does he make me account for every single penny like we don't have any money when I know he has plenty? Why did he buy me an expensive gift for Christmas and splash out on expensive wines and things for our guests but then have a go at me for spending £7.50 on a gift for a friend's daughter, which he then checked the price of online to check I wasn't lying?

I'm exhausted living with him and he makes me miserable which can't be much fun for him either. I don't see how he can enjoy being in this relationship either. In the past he's humiliated me in front of friends, reducing me to tears in front of them, he's stormed off leaving me in a restaurant on my own with a full plate after I wanted to discuss what was wrong with us and how we could fix it. I've also had two panic attacks because of how he treats me. He never apologises in person but has by email but even the never spontaneously, always as a result of me telling him he needs to apologise.

Also, he doesn't really react when I tell him we should probably just split up and then pretends everything is fine after an argument's died down. Why does he do that?

I never get any real emotion from him and I don't remember the last time I thought what a lovely person you are. I used to, but that was years ago. I get so jealous when I see happy couples bantering away together, being affectionate with one another.

But then again, maybe I am a complete idiot, what was I thinking giving up my job to look after my children? Why did I hand over my financial independence? Is he right to control my spending so tightly? Should I have to ask every time I need to buy a new bra or want to take the kids out or need to buy a present for a friend? Maybe this is normal, I don't know. Maybe it is all his money and I don't deserve to be spending it. I rarely ask for money for anything frivolous. Maybe because he earns the money, if he wants to spend £2000 on an appliance I have no right to say it's too expensive. I'm so scared to tell him I overspent the other day by accident. He's never been physically abusive but I'm scared of his reaction. Often if I tell him something - anything, not necessarily money related, I wonder why I bothered because it's not worth the grief, so I keep many things to myself and it makes me secretive which I dislike. I am a very open person generally and it's not in my nature to behave that way but I feel forced to.

Thing is though because I am now financially dependent, he knows it's not that easy for me to leave. I don't know what to do. I love my children deeply and they are only small and need us to be together.

Anyone who can relate to me or has any experience, has words of advice, or even to tell me I'm being pathetic, whatever it is, I would like to know.

I agree with grumpy, it does speak volumes.

Wow. Late to this party but I just wanted to stress again that this really, really isn't normal.

You're supposed to be partners, but he treats you like a 7-year old who has to be stopped from spending all her Christmas money on candy. That's ridiculous.

You asked how it works in other families with SAHP - my DH was SAHD for a while. I earned the money. He had 100% the same access to all our cards and accounts. He spent what he wanted. He never asked for permission to spend anything. I never asked what and why and where he spent.

Now that he's earning again, it works the same way. Because we are adults and partners and therefore one has no right to control the other and decide if they deserve to go out for a coffee with friends or not.

(And 200 per week to feed 5 people, while he's looking to get a sportscar and spends thousands left and right, is of course ridiculous.)

Hmmm, Is he going to replace your car before buying his sports car?
if he goes on one about towing/repair, I would say, He failed to inform you of the necessary information, & give you the card. & had left the country.
This could have happened on a motorway, with 3 kids, (one of whom is sick) in the back in sleet. & he is worried about the cost.... while & he is organising social visits & eating out every day....
Yes as it happens, you were able to sort it out, & we weren't injured Thank you.
It costs what it costs Tosser.
So even your phone calls are monitored?
You could be on the waiting line for HV, National Insurance, the council house office......
Actually I think I would say "I was ringing the CAB."

Mo

My DH is often abroad on business for days/weeks at a time. He makes sure that I have funds in my account and always stresses to me to use my credit card if needed.

I cannot believe well do that he is abroad and didn't think want to leave the breakdown cover policy with you.....and he wants to buy a sports car, whilst only allowing you £200 for food on a prepaid card .

Mo, you are not moaning and you sound lovely.

Keep posting, we are here to help.

now family and some friends know what's going on (or even via Mumsnet if have too) do you think you could get some money together for a new sim card and pay as you go so you can make these calls without them on Bill?
Very unusual not to have landline don't you need for Internet? Or is it just a way that he can mointer your calls.

Akire, we do have a landline but no phone. Old handset got broken and never bothered replacing it because hardly use it anyway.

And yes...I know, my friend who's husband also works away also makes sure they have everything they need in the event of an emergency, credit card, access to full details of whatever policy...I know it is not normal and it is flabbergasting to think these things don't cross his mind. I felt such a numpty when the person who stopped to help me yesterday with the car asked me who I was covered with and I said "I think it's with so and so..." But wasn't even sure. My fault too for not informing myself. It was at the back of my mind. It is terrifying to think it could have happened in a more dangerous place but we were very lucky.

The local CAB just called to make an appointment with me next week. Feels like such a long time to wait because day to day things change in this situation, but so be it.

Just to correct those figures...we have £300 a month for grocery shopping (the prepay) and £200 for anything else, for me and the three DC, him not included because he's not here.

Now I am car-less, except for a long journey I have to make which a friend is lending me a car for, I can't even do the sodding shopping - my immediate thought is I'll have to do it online, but I can't even do that without going to him first. More unnecessary stress. I could cry all over again.

I don't want to ask him. I cannot BEAR the thought of sending him a message saying...please sir, can I have some money so I can feed your children? It is making me sick. Of course it wouldn't have even occurred to him at all that shit, Mo hadn't got her car, how will she do the shopping I've knOwingly DELAYED her to do? Apparently the money isn't even on the card yet even though he said he topped it up. So I'm actually waiting longer than the two weeks he claimed it would be.

Sorry mistakes in that...but you know what I mean.

Yes, we know, I could give him such a kick in the shins for you, selfish bastard.
I guess you can use a bit of your overdraft to do an online shop? You and the kids have to eat. It's war now Mo, you have your appointment lined up. I rage on your behalf, simply rage.

Can you email and say we have no food I can't get to the shop even if he did put money on the card. I need money in my account so I can do online shop ASAP? He has to say yes to that. If he refuses do it then bloody perfect timing to say right that's it I'm claiming as single parent. You have fed your kids. In his twisted mind he probable be pleased you claiming as single parent, he may convince himself he's away so you are!!

email this to him, it is a paper trail & will work in your favour later.
no car, no food, no money for emergency, (breakdown), card not topped up. sick child.....
what an utter bastard

Well, yes, you have plenty of practice being a single parent, Akire is right there.
I hate to say this, hate thinking it really, and you are not daft, but, he is away for months, I can't help wondering if he is keeping his cards so close to his chest because there are things he doesn't want you to know he is financing, a girlfriend overseas? Sorry, sorry, sorry but it has crossed my mind and would help explain why you never see his bills. If I am barking totally up the wrong tree tell me and I won't bring up the subject again. I suspect he is just a wanker though.

I feel so highly and disproportionately stressed about things right now, things that if I were I control of, I could cope without batting an eyelid. He probably thinks because I have to go to him for everything, that I couldn't cope without him (or more specifically his money) and I should be grateful when he comes to my rescue. Yet it if weren't for him controlling things, I'd be able to cope perfectly well and with a lot less stress. I've actually forgotten how it feels to not have this underlying stress, caused purely by him.

Thank god it's having the opposite effect now and I can't stand another second of it. How fucking dare he try to absolve himself of responsibility. And I can't even tell him that because he wouldn't even take in the words I was saying.

I would say you're going to do an online shop as you can't get to the supermarket, will he please check out the basket when you're done. Still humiliating but slightly less so, although risks him going through the basket and removing everything he regards as unnecessary - unbeknownst to him you can then go and add more stuff without doing a full checkout again, tee hee.

This is how my DH and I do our supermarket shopping, btw. I do some stuff and check the basket out, he then adds in whatever he wants. I never remove anything unless I think he's put it in by accident eg stuff ds used to like but now doesn't.

I would avoid using the overdraft because you won't be able to reimburse your expense claim (so to speak) from the pre-paid card. Incidentally you might want to tell him that you can do an overnight transfer to a prepaid card if you do a bank transfer to the account associated with it, that's how I manage my prepaid card. Otherwise it takes up to 3 days.

Alternatively can someone else take you to the supermarket? There's no point in trying to keep up appearances, you can explicitly say you have not been left with money to hire a car and have no access to a card that would allow you to do an online shop.

Mo, I'm one of the army of supporters cheering you on. You sound like a lovely mother to your children and lovely person, too. I'm very sorry you are going through this.

Just a thought, why are you embarrassed to ask for different arrangements, now that his arrangements have fallen through? Is it any contact? Or are you taking responsibility for the failure? Does he often twist things so its your 'fault'.

Glad your getting your ducks in a row in preparation....

We are all raging for you Mo. Any decent bloke would sent money straight away, said get a taxi to nearest shop go shopping. Goodness this is sort reason people have to go food bank for, which would be perfectly fine if you were on bone of ass and had nothing but he's on dam good salary and only his controlling selfish make you live in crumbs that he's doing this.

Grumpy: before I told my friend the details on Saturday, as soon as I told her I needed to speak to her without the kids present, that's what she thought too, and she said to me if it wasn't that, she couldn't imagine what else it could be. But no, I'm certain there is nothing like that going on. He hardly ever used to stay 'late' at work, or ever had excuses for going to any networking events, or doing anything much over the weekend without me knowing exactly what it was, or who he was going with, usually backed up by evidence - friend picking him up, Facebook photos etc. He doesn't seem to be the type, because his obsessions are material. He doesn't go leering over women, or even making comments. But then his morals are so fucked and I realise I hardly know him any more, that anything is possible.

I avoid asking him anything. I feel like the more I ask him things, such as 'helping' me out, the more he thinks I am dependent on him so I don't like to show him I am if I can avoid it. How can I ask him this without seeming pathetic and needy? Please someone help me with strong and assertive wording but not anger-inducing.

Ok, I just thought it was a possibility, he is just a wanker then. Can I kick his shins for you?

Can imagine how sick this is making you feel, it's NOT giving in to tide yourself over just this little bit longer until you have everything and advice in place so you can cut all ties.

You could just email and say as you know car broke I can't get to X shop to do shopping. What do you suggest I do to fed the kids this week. Your not begging your asking for his oh so wise valuable advice.......

Your children are dependent on him. bald facts, he is not helping you, he needs to ensure his family are safe.

Oi Wanker, As you know the car broke down, luckily we were not hurt, however I am unable to get to the shops, please transfer xxx to my account so I can get food in for tea.
Never leave me in the position that I am unable to contact the AA (or whoever) again, it was potentially a danger to the children and causes me great inconvenience in taking the children to school and generally running a family life.
By the way, my mate Grumpy is going to come round and kick you like a fucking Donkey.
Love your STBX Mo

It's not needy to point out that he has not left you any money; you have no transport; card not topped up when he said it would be.

And yes, instead of begging, you can ask what his solution is. As according to him, he is so much better in managing all this and you can't be trusted to buy anything without prior approval

LOVE it Grumpy
He did say something like 'well you'll just have to manage on the bus and stuff until you get the car sorted' or some such. So that's what he'd say. Just get the bus. Even the bloody supermarket I am allowed to go to is NOT the nearest, so totally inconvenient for bussing.
Actually...I'm borrowing a friend's car tomorrow so will just go at some point then. I'll just buy a few basics later.

When he called this morning, I mean.