Financial control. What is normal?

[AngryMo]

I've lost count how many times I've tried to start this thread, and don't know how to articulate it as I don't really know what I want. It ranges from I need to leave ASAP to I might as well just stay.

The many questions that I keep switching between are:

Is DH emotionally/financially abusive? I don't know if I'm imagining it or if it is real.

How do couples manage their finances if one stays at home? I want to know what other people do to see if the way he manages it is normal or not.

Why does he on the one hand, show off to his friends about the money he's spent doing up our house recently and the flashy things he's bought, but on the other, makes me feel like I'm almost stealing his money when I need cash for housekeeping or other essential things for the children (we agreed I would stay home until kids are in school)? Why does he make me account for every single penny like we don't have any money when I know he has plenty? Why did he buy me an expensive gift for Christmas and splash out on expensive wines and things for our guests but then have a go at me for spending £7.50 on a gift for a friend's daughter, which he then checked the price of online to check I wasn't lying?

I'm exhausted living with him and he makes me miserable which can't be much fun for him either. I don't see how he can enjoy being in this relationship either. In the past he's humiliated me in front of friends, reducing me to tears in front of them, he's stormed off leaving me in a restaurant on my own with a full plate after I wanted to discuss what was wrong with us and how we could fix it. I've also had two panic attacks because of how he treats me. He never apologises in person but has by email but even the never spontaneously, always as a result of me telling him he needs to apologise.

Also, he doesn't really react when I tell him we should probably just split up and then pretends everything is fine after an argument's died down. Why does he do that?

I never get any real emotion from him and I don't remember the last time I thought what a lovely person you are. I used to, but that was years ago. I get so jealous when I see happy couples bantering away together, being affectionate with one another.

But then again, maybe I am a complete idiot, what was I thinking giving up my job to look after my children? Why did I hand over my financial independence? Is he right to control my spending so tightly? Should I have to ask every time I need to buy a new bra or want to take the kids out or need to buy a present for a friend? Maybe this is normal, I don't know. Maybe it is all his money and I don't deserve to be spending it. I rarely ask for money for anything frivolous. Maybe because he earns the money, if he wants to spend £2000 on an appliance I have no right to say it's too expensive. I'm so scared to tell him I overspent the other day by accident. He's never been physically abusive but I'm scared of his reaction. Often if I tell him something - anything, not necessarily money related, I wonder why I bothered because it's not worth the grief, so I keep many things to myself and it makes me secretive which I dislike. I am a very open person generally and it's not in my nature to behave that way but I feel forced to.

Thing is though because I am now financially dependent, he knows it's not that easy for me to leave. I don't know what to do. I love my children deeply and they are only small and need us to be together.

Anyone who can relate to me or has any experience, has words of advice, or even to tell me I'm being pathetic, whatever it is, I would like to know.

But wait a bit, I've missed something - have you actually decided to seperate Mo?

Cos if not I guess you're looking for new terms for the relationship going forward?

Oh, I see I've gone completely against PSE's advice. I'm so sorry (and I'm sorry PSE!)

Mo, you will know which is the most likely path to freedom. Is he likely to come back if he hears things on the grapevine? Or is he most likely to just dismiss it as unbelievable behaviour from you?

If nothing else, there is logic in claiming Child benefit for your national insurance, there is no guarantee that you will be with him when you are retired & you are advised to for pension etc.
You are now 2 years behind, could you back date it? too bad if his tax goes up.

Hey, no biggie, Jux. We can all have differing opinions!

I was basing mine on the DP being a big ol' narc, and if mutual friends start noticing what's really going on, it might shame him into either a better relationship going forward (unlikely), or a more reasonable parting.

But neither of us know what Mo does, so it's up to her...

How are you today, Mo?

That's really good news about the extra money this month, even if you had to play it by his game but at the moment if that what it takes to get the kids fed and you can have tiny bit left - well so be it.

We all know you are just playing along until you get benefit sorted and legal advice moving so don't feel down on yourself or like it's giving in. Just keep up the face of all normal than wham you can hit when the time is right.

You done so much head and heart work that is really draining on top of looking after kids and home. So what if it takes you few weeks to be able to ring WA again or get ball rolling for benefits. You are making progress everyday you will get there in the end.

Is there any petrol in HIS car ? can you use it ? syphon it out !!! Hahaha

Thinking of you tonight AM

Believe me I didn't want to reply to his email. It was excruciating to have to go back to being that downtrodden woman, but I had to do it, or I'd be asking my parents for another handout before long and that simply isn't right. I was just thinking while writing it, when he replies, it's just further proof of how I have to ask and justify every purchase before he agrees to it, so it may serve a very useful purpose.

I've had a stressful, horrible day. A sick child at home (much better now though) and then a broken down car - yes, me, with my three DC, all I bloody needed at this time. It almost sounds like I am making it up. He'd told me we had cover, so when I rang and then they found no trace of me or him, no idea what's going on there, i had no choice but to opt for the emergency call out service and pay for it. My first thought wasn't thank god someone is coming to rescue us, but very sadly that when I have to tell P I had to pay for the service, he's going to flip and have a go at me for not checking properly, even though he wasn't contactable at the time either. I am sure he will blame me in some way and I'm terrified he will take it out of my money. I have that dread of telling him because I know his first thought will not be oh my god, were you OK, what about the children? Like a normal person.

Anyway my point is despite this, the kindness of strangers and friends today who rallied round to help us has made me realise how I've been wasting my life with this loser who can't even put his own family first when there are so many kind, caring, considerate people who will give up their time without a second thought for a complete stranger, as proved several times today.

Then to have to come home and do homework, make the dinner, give them a bath, read bedtime stories, make packed lunch, get school bag ready, sort out uniform, tidy up living room, load dishes, put another wash on, take out recycling, fold up dry clothes, put them away etc. I am just exhausted. But apparently I need to get a job on top of this. (Yes I know that's all normal parenting and house stuff and nothing unique to me!)

Just hugs & it's been a shitty day for you.

Perhaps time to ask for a newer more reliable car as you don't want him to put you in that situation again! If he dares have a complaint about the cover I would politely turn it around and say this is why you want to be involved as an equal adult so you know what is going on and how to find information...

Oh hon. What a crap day.

You don't need us to tell you this is Just Not Right.

There's no perfect relationship that's going to keep kids from getting po'ly, or cars from breaking down. Of course. But knowing someone has your back when you're facing these of life's irks more than halves the burden. And knowing you've got somebody who will use it as another stick to beat you more than quadruples the burden.

And you see that, don't you. Ah hon. Big un-mumsnetty hugs.

Thank you! Reading it back it sounds like I am begging for sympathy or something and attention, but I swear it's all true! Just life I suppose, like you say Preemptive, and it feels ten times worse when you're doing it alone with no one to give you a hug and say everything's OK love.
If I had a supportive partner, I could probably just laugh it off because very fortunately I had a bumper pack of Monster Munch in the back.

It's not begging it's pathetic that you can't access or make descions about car in emergency. That you first thought is shit what's he going say. If he needed his car fixed he left not going worry is he.

It just put stress on you if you had to get the car towed to a garage and it could be fixed then and there you woulnt have "the authority" to get it fixed.

P.s mmmmm mister munch really fancy roast beef flavour now!

I'm very late to this thread, and I'm so sorry to be reading this.

I have a friend in the very first stages of your relationship. What I mean is that she had a great career then gave it up to be at home with her children. She's a smart woman, but fuck me it's hard to watch this new dynamic play out.

She's booked on to a college course, and I asked when it starts. She said it'd be when her dh has his credit card out. He's just bought a new property and isn't feeling very flush right now .

There's fuck all I can do though. its shit.

You're not begging for sympathy AM. If you feel that way, that's just a further reflection of how unsupportive your relationship has been, and how you have become used to editing out your true feelings to keep the peace.

The everyday kindness of strangers can be a big wake up call. You suddenly realise that being kind to others is just what people do - normal ones, anyway.

I hope today is better for you.

He replied to me and as expected all his questions were about money. How did you pay for it. How much will it cost to fix the car. How much will it cost for the car you're borrowing etc. Not a single other concern in his head. Turns out he has the card that the cover is linked to - and he's not even in the country! But of course how would I know that as I never even knew the card existed. Not much point having breakdown cover if you don't tell the person who it's for how to access it. In a normal scenario, it would just have been an innocent mistake but here it just makes me angry. Another example of how keeping me in the dark about things can backfire.

And then he calls, the first time we've spoken since he left, and he talks to me as if everything is normal and throws in comments like 'I notice you didn't take part in the Skype call, why was that?' - the same man who knew his own family had no money for the weekend without even checking to see if we had enough food in the house and openly refused to provide any more money. But it's ok though, because he's decided to cover me for the breakdown and garage repairs. I am so grateful. (Last bit is tongue in cheek btw.)

Shit. I've just realised the call I made to CAB can cost anything between 3p and 40p when calling from a mobile (don't have landline phone any more). Call was about half an hour. Guess who pays the bill....when he gets it what the hell can I say it was for?

Tell him it was for budgeting advice.

Depends on how long you want to stay in the relationship tbh.

Cos if you're going to separate then the truth.

But if you're not, then say you have no idea what it is and brazen it out.

Oh dear, does he get the bill online? I mean with him being away will he see the bill? Maybe you wanted some advice about childcare costs and vouchers for when you go back to work?

Yes yes yes, I can say it was to do with going back to work or something. Of course I may have told him by then but it's just an in case, so I'm prepared and he doesn't rumble me.

Advice on setting up as a freelancer. Thank you. Sorted.

Good, well read a bit about being a freelancer in case he asks lots of questions

Haha! Yes it'll be fine, I know lots of people who freelance so shouldn't be a problem. Just had a panic moment.

The fact you ha a panic moment speaks volumes Mo. I hope you have a much better day today after the car drama and poorly child. Onwards and upwards.